Patron part 2. 2/3 bottle left

I was hoping that I hadnt actually posted that post last night but as I was reading it I became more convinced that my theory of people being there most honest when drunk was proven. I would believe a drunk over a sober person any day when it comes to saying how they really feel or what they really think. They may regret having said it, if they remember, and lie about it later but for the most part drunk people are incredibly honest. The time Ed choked me 3 different time in one night he was so drunk he didnt remember it, but it was always a feeling seething under the surface for him. That incident represented everything he hated and feared about my relationship with Lo, that he effectively ruined both directly and indirectly. The intensity of his anger I have always known, he had just shown me a degree I knew was there but hadnt seen yet. Not that I ever wanted to see it, and to be honest it took me by complete surprise, I know I posted about it. The whole situation was so ridiculous I still cant believe it. Contrary to what im sure he thinks, I really dont think about it that much, another piece of abuse in a history riddled with it. Maybe thats why it slips my mind so easily. It really was unforgivable, when I look at the past incidents with that as a culmination and everything else being much milder. Im less than half his age and he is more than twice my size height and weight. No way that was a fair fight, I know everyone that knew about it thought I was crazy to stay. Where else can I go, Lo just isnt an option, shes made it pretty clear where I stand with her. I have resisted asking her for any support and therefore have ended up not talking to her, typical me. I dont want to bother her or mess with her life any more then she feels I already have. She emails me she misses me and still uses that word, the one that had always held for me the love truly felt. For everything about her has become a mystery. I feel I am forced to walk this earth with a piece of my soul forever missing. I guess I deserve this, and really it doesnt matter whether I do or not, I feel I have sealed my fate. What I said, the promises I made, I am true to myself. Those feelings and words were true, even if im the only one who believed in them. The life I live now is one of fear and punishment, mental more than physical which I feel makes me the weak one, perhaps I deserve it. I would let myself get off with nothing less with the guilt and pain I feel now.

Why cant we all just be honest?

As I went through my old emails on an account I rarely ever check, there were a bunch of emails in there from ed. I guess not a bunch, like 3... Two of them nice and one of them typical him. I dont know what the situation was but he was obviously very upset and I think we had broken up and he was talking about how he couldnt stop crying and how he loved me so much. Reading that and the others I realized how little had changed and at the same time how much has changed. I was going to post the emails, just to give a better idea of what he is like, I may still.

This whole situation, the last few years really, have taken a huge toll on me. I feel so desperate and trapped right now. I really have no one to turn too, E will be gone soon if he hasnt left already... mixed feelings on that. Ed is really a constant stress, I feel like im on eggshells around him. I need to get on me feet and learn to be more comfortable with myself. Im in a tail spin right now and its really scary. Good example... right now, bottle of patron, great chaser so I cant taste it and the great green god has smiled upon me... bad combo and thank god for spell check.

Smoked way to many cigarettes this morning and ended up puking, thats it for smokes for a while. It seems like smoking cigarettes is involved in my restless legs too, I become more aware of it when im not smoking. Dont have a problem with any other type of smoking though, thank above. I dont know if I really would be able to function without it. I wouldnt eat, Id have trouble sleeping, my anxiety would be through the roof, and it helps my legs. I think thats part of what makes it so difficult when Ed is around, I cant smoke around him and its very stressful trying to sneak it in around times he is gone. As long as I have to be here I have to obey his rules, as much as even typing that makes me want to puke. I really see the manipulative commandeering nature when I take a step back, like reading those old emails it crazy some of the mean things he said... I guess ill put it in and edit for others privacy

"It's because I love you so deeply I writing to you now.If you remember what you wrote or said the month before that had us both so upset it is a repeat of this event. It is a pattern that I'm afraid Is one that you have been through before. I said get some help I'm telling you why. **** is a poor sole that is caught in the you trap of loving you and being with you and getting nothing in return except the occasional hug you give her. That what you had in store for me.You can't handle love like I have for you so you will destroy it. I'm afraid you will just move on to do the same to someone else. It will never get better for you until you get help. Please don't take this wrong I'm doing it and crying at the same time as I only want you to be happy.I felt because of my life experiences I was the man that could help you with all your issues by always reassuring you of love like someone younger wouldn't;t be able to do through your cruel behavior but I just made it worse ran faster. Nell thank you for the good things you did for me and you know what they were. I will love you for ever Ed"

Then this is from about a month before....

"I'm going to bed early in simpathy with you. Nel. Nell. Nel. When we are
together we need to be together I want you to sleep but I want you next to me.
You need someone to show you your beauty. Wrong I know everyone you meet loves
you. I'm going to cry all night I'm so weepy now. My heart is breaking. I'm so
sad without you. Sleep tight my love remember I'm there for you"

and this

"I was more upset today then I've been in 100 years. I m a tough guy with most
everthing but not with you."

and finally

"I just walked out to the pool area. I'm so lonely here in our get away without
you I can stop crying Nel I'm a mess. Tears are running down my face. I love
you"

As time has gone by his emotions are not nearly as strong and it could be that ive thrown it in his face so many time he has resolved not to let them show anymore. I dont know that I care anymore. I want to survive and thats the mind set I have when Im not wishing I were on another chemical plane of reality.

A quarter or more into the bottle of patron.. thats was a little while ago, now more like half gone and on a green stick. This wont be an interesting night, Im sure I will just pass out. Again I refer to the comment about this being a dangerous situation for me. I need to motivated toward something, school is my main goal right now. Laughable considering the state im in now.

Some how I know im never going to get over this period in my life. Ive contemplated alot of things in this time, fear is the thing that holds me back in any decision I make. I truly feel I have nothing to live for anymore. Lindsy will be ok, she is much stronger than me, they both are. Lo obviously has no need for me and Ed will be fine. If no one needs me, I would just rather be where I belong.. with my parents. I miss them, I need them. Maybe im just not cut out for the world, I dont want to spend my life suffering. I cant shake the feeling that thats where I will end up, my destiny if you will. My heart is gone, what else is left?

Day and Night

Things are at somewhat of a standstill, with everything. Im finally away from all the sub, never going back there. Things have happened with Eds work, the company was sold and Ed is basically reduced to a consult to keep the important accounts that he has such rapport with, that they will likely find other options if he isnt part of the working relationship with the new company. One of the 3rd largest in the US. It is acknowledging without acknowledging that he is an asset to the company but without really giving him anything and taking his job and making it seem much less important,,, yet they want 100% account retention that basically rests on him and depends on whether he really gets the 2nd year of the contract. Its really messed up, I feel bad that a 30+ year career has come down this. Everything gone in the course of one conversation. No more responsibility like before, suddenly everything is new and alot depends on understanding that new role and mastering it before you really know what it is. That being said, thats what you get for making your entire life your work, when its gone, you are left holding onto strings and everything you sacrificed to get to where you were is still gone... youre not left with much. Everyone deals differently, some reinvent themselves, others cant take it. Im not sure where Ed falls but im leaning towards him reinventing himself... Unfortunetly its not just the work area of his life that needs revamping. We hardly talk anymore, its a relief while at the same time being a source of anxiety.

I need to get my shit together and get myself into a situation that im truly happy in. I truly miss Lo but if I really stop to think about it, im not sure what it is im missing. Im not sure if its the company, a true love, a soul mate, a best friend, a romantic notion of true love in my head? I know that I will base every person I ever come into a relationship with on her. At the same time she turned out to be everything that scared me and like the devil is somewhat of a fallen angel in my head and heart now. Everything she said she did the opposite of and in the end took the only thing sacred to me, trust, I trusted her implicitly and she knew that and counted on it in the end. She was the only one I have ever truly trusted and perhaps that is where my true lonliness comes from, not trusting anyone is being on your own, whether you are surrounded or not.

Ill never return to the path I just came from, the damage ive caused to others and the consequences thereof have been felt and are done. I wont further damage myself by playing with fire, but ive learned there is more than one way to light a fire and I need to be careful with matches as much as the fire they create. It seems like every turn I make right now has negativity attached to get by. Its a viscious cycle I really want to break. I should know by now how quickly something can turn on you, ive found that to be true with anything, people, pets, meds, drink, food... best friends, those who say they love you more than anything in the world, more than their life. Let me just say on that, I ve heard that more than once and yet still, here I am alone.... Ive made my mistakes, its hard for me to accept love will not forgive them all..

30-60 Days...

Ok, so now having been through the worst year of my life and on somewhat of a continuum from mediocre to worst still as a daily measure now. I thought that I made a life changing decision when I decided to get on the Sub, no other method worked for me. Not that I tried anything other than trying myself but still, I tried many ways myself. I have no desire to do anything I was doing before but im finding out now that even with a slow taper and going all the way down to crumbs... Im going to go through hell for at least a month to two months. Now I knew that there would be WDs with the sub and that was one of my reasonings for not going on it right away when I first heard of it...

As time went on, and at the same time it became apparent as I was losing everything that nothing was working as far as getting off, I still never really thought about going on it. Knowing what the WDs were for what I was already going through were enough to scare me away from just substituting. I finally heard of someone who had a habit close to me that took the sub for a week to get away from the other chain and was able to quit with no problem. Still not having really done alot of my own research I didnt really give any thought to the problem of RIDICULOUSLY LONG HALF LIFE. The combination of knowing someone who was able to jump off with no problem and knowing that this was my final chance for a lot of things, most importantly saving some shred of dignity (not sure I have accomplished that) I finally called the doc an made the appt as you know from previous posts. Now after having done alot more reasearch I realize that this could have been an even bigger mistake and now, when I really have no support as far as anyone being around or really having anyone to talk to, this may be the worst part of this horrific trip i've been on.

I planned right away to do less than what the doc prescribed and pretty much taper after a week. Still not fully comprehending how long the half life was, never actually having heard anyone give an exact number or range. I planned for only a week and ended up being on it for more like a week and a half to two weeks. I jumped off at I think a quarter of the 8mg so like 2 mg... I had no problem it seemed, I was still on the klonopin prescribed by the same doc. Also the greens.. thats it. The first few days were ok and then it seemed looking back that I just started to lose a little more energy and gain a little more restlessness every day. One day I was on the roof deck with a smoke and as I walked back into the house I realized I forgot something out where I was sitting. Literally I didn't think I would have the energy to walk back out to get it. I did due to the possibility of inclement weather, which is always a possibility here, but it took a ton of effort. By the time I got downstairs I crashed on the couch and felt like I couldn't breathe, giving myself a little panic attack. It passed eventually but that general feeling of exhaustion was always there and seemed to be getting worse. My anxiety was getting worse at the same time and being on my own that alone was/is terrifying. Sleep was difficult, I started taking advil PM but thought the antihistamine was messing with my legs which seemed to be getting worse. They generally ached and had that vaguely restless feeling that I have felt much worse but know so well. Not to mention depression and total lack of motivation, most likely related to my inability to sleep or get off the couch. If I had someone here a lot of things would be helped like the anxiety and depression and I would be forced to get off the couch (shred of dignity thing). Being completely isolated is definetly not a good idea when attempting a WD from anything or thereafter for that matter. Having some kind of constant support physically around, at least through the first 30-60 days I think is essential for moral support and general help when you cant pick yourself up off the floor. Not that its realistic just what I think is very important, personally.

Back to my point, if I have one.. So finally got to the no sleeping point and that too im sure contributed to the exhaustion. I was probably at two weeks at this point and then realized it may be the sub... I took a quarter and my hunch was right. My legs quieted down completely, the anxiety abated, I actually had some energy and motivation to get something important done. Most importantly, I was able to sleep with relative ease. I still didnt really attribute anything to sub WD, I thought I just stopped to soon and didnt give myself enough time to cleanse myself. Little did I know it was the opposite and it was the sub that stayed there forever.

Anyway this led me to do research about people getting off sub in earnst and thats when I learned of the ridiculous half life and the likliehood I had progressively felt like crap. Sub can stay in your system for up to 11 days and while you are WD during that period you really dont start a complete WD until possibly up till 11 days. That being said there are factors that lengthen or shorten that period and possibly severity of WD. Most of what I am reading about these incredibly long WD periods is from long time users, like two years or more. There is very little on those who were on sub for short periods. Plus there is a difference between suboxone and subutex that im sure makes a difference in time period too. I dont know if im on the good or bad side of that. Everyone had symptoms similar to mine and im sure would have only gotten more similar had I not reset that clock. So even though I was only on it for a limited amount of time, I know this is going to be a rotten WD. Im hoping that because I know what im going through this time and I was on it for such a short period of time, I will only have a couple weeks of hell before I start to feel better. From what I experienced and have experienced the WD is still nowhere near as bad as it could have been with the other, it just lasts forever. Im not sure whats worse now, the short period of severe hell I would have been in stopping the other or what im going through now with this. At least I knew what to expect for the most part with the other, this comes and goes after an acute period for who knows how long. Every individual is truly different with this, whereas most people know the length of time for the worst and be able to measure feeling better in days and not weeks like I am reading about sub. A week seems like an eternity, especially alone and having nothing going on, I cant imagine measuring 5-10% increments of feeling better by weeks and not days. Thats just one persons estimate and story but I like to prepare for the worst if I can so im just gonna take it as the baseline.

The worst part is that the stigma for me is still attached even with the sub which was another reason for jumping off so soon. What seemed like the solution, seems to me, and echoed by many others, may have just put off the solution. So I can only hope that I will be on the shorter and less severe end of this and do what I can to ease what I can. Im just waiting for the worst to start, probably not the best mindset but knowing how long this can take I know there is worse to come. I just want to come through this... I just want an end to this hell that has been my life for the last 1.5 years and generally the anxious depressed person ive been for the last 4 years.

"So sick and tired of being sick and tired"

Candle (sick and tired) by White Tie Affair... This is a perfect song for me right now.

I feel like Im being swallowed in by myself, im losing myself to the quiet and shame and sadness and inability to really wrap my head around anything right now except those feelings... I feel selfish in that I turn become lost in myself and shut everyone out, the isolation I feel on the inside becomes my hell on the outside. I cant help it, ive spent so much of my life doing it. I cant reach out, I feel so frozen and unsure. Where did I lose my confidence? I can pretend for only so long before I feel the anxiety and sadness grip me.

I havent talked to my family, im pretty sure my grandmother has disowned me for not calling in a couple months, I just cant face talking to her. It sounds crazy but the longer I didn't call her the harder it got to to call and when I called on her birthday she was very short and it was clear she was pissed. That kind of rejection right now is just more than I can handle.

LOL, I am listening to a Pitbull song thinking of a cheerleading routine to it. I hate cheerleading and it in no way is appropriate for the song. Sorry thats the greens talking.

At least I still have moments of humor I guess I have that to be thankful for... good note to end on. I need to start writing more often, Im suprised ive had the focus for the last few posts. I hope that is a sign of a general upward trend.... we'll see.

Seriously?!

Ugh... I feel like I've had it. Im struggling from day to day, hour to hour. Im so alone and this is really a time that I have needed support the most. I hate this feeling of never knowing when its going to end, having really no one to talk to about it or anything else for that matter and feeling so paralyzed with anxiety and depression. I need to get a job, I know that will help, but it could also hurt and the anxiety of the process of getting a job seems daunting. I need to be in a laid back place, make at least enough to save a bit and have understanding bosses. It would really really help if it was at least half way interesting too. I know thats going out on a limb but if im going to succeed I know at least part of the recipe.

Of course if I could focus for any length of time, that would be great too. I cant take my adderall for two reasons right now... soon to be three. First, not sure how it will interact with subutex and I dont want to put myself through a day of possible panic and hee bee jee bees in my legs to find out. Second, I have no insurance and the script is obviously very expensive... which brings me too my third soon to be reason. I only have one script in the pharmacy and I stopped seeing that doc when I went to MI to try to get clean. When I came back he didnt return the phone calls. I guess 4 months was a bit long for him to wait on a patient? Now I have to find a doc that isnt going to hassle me about prescribing the klonopin or adderall and if he would throw in a litle bit of xanax for breakthrough panic and not sleeping, that would be nice too... Luckily the sub doc is prescribing klonopin
and im just not filling the extra sub scripts so I have a little bit of time to find a psychiatrist that will treat... I was thinking about going back on the triavil because it worked so well for me before, but again, afraid of it interacting with any sub or sub withdrawals. Wouldnt hurt to have an appetite again either since that will help replenish and stock essentials for my brain to start getting back into some sort of normal chemical pattern, which I hope is still possible.

I hope im doing this the right way, there is a long list of things that still need to happen before I will really consider myself "living" i.e. friends, job, good relationship etc but there are alot of little things within myself that have to happen too before those big things are possible. Being able to make it through the day, go to bed at night, sleep through too the morning and wake up without feeling like crap is a good place to start. Obviously I will have to multi-task and work on the job and all the other stuff at the same time.

I just would like maybe a weekend of relief. Of feeling happy, of being able to just drift asleep when I want too, of not knowing any anxiety and everything being alright with the world, having someone that I love and truly enjoy to talk to and do just about anything with, there to bask in the glow of not having a worry for once.

I just need a break.

The End

Such mixed emotions, I am finally free from that devil on my shoulder and yet now I have to face the fact that im left with nothing. Ive lost my best friend, I am on my own and dont even know where to start. I guess I could look at it as a new lease on life but right now I know I still have alot of healing to do. Ive done this with no support and I know its made me a stronger and smarter person, I just wish I had someone to share that with. I've had a tough time with being alone all the time and the only human voices i've heard in almost a week are on the TV. I've takin to talkin to the cats. I don't know when I've ever been this alone, im trying to take what solace I can from what I have accomplished but its hard when the harshness of reality sets in. Im not meant to be alone like this, some people like to be alone and dont get me wrong I like my solace but I feel like im going crazy here. Any friends I have, are at least an hour away and its just as sad when I have to leave.

I know time will heal a lot but right now it hurts like hell to be in this situation, and i've never been one for patience. I need to find a good support system and try to find my true friends in life. It sucks to learn things the hard way but once you've learned the lesson all you have to do is go to bed and wake up and let the time pass hopefully healing a little bit everyday. Thats what im trying to do, I just want to get as much time between me and this situation as possible. I have a lot of choices to make and deciding to pry this devil off me was just the beginning in what I have a feeling is going to be a line of decisions that may or may not determine the course of my life, then again I guess every decision plays a part in what the course of the rest of your life will be. I've made a long string of bad decisions and im hoping that is the end of that streak and I can start getting some good Karma back.