Diary of an ADD/ADHD, Depressed 20-something

Love and war?

2011-02-05T03:04:00.000-08:00

Love and War?

How does the saying go... alls fair in love and war. That may be true but to whose detriment. I feel like someone always loses and its probably not the one who made the statement in the first place. How do you explain to someone that they mean everything to you but youre flawed. You can tell them and even try to warn them away no matter how much it hurts you but in the end I think people always want to find the good in others and think they can bring that out or save them if thats the case... Im sure this happens but more often then not I think someone gets hurt because they think that when they dont succeed it is a flaw on their part. I suppose you see it more with girls who go for bad girls or girls who go for bad guys. Most think they are gonna be the one too change them and then they dont and things are usually not good for the ones who cant change but what about the ones who cant be changed? I feel like it takes a really strong person to accept and deal with major flaws in a person, whether that be cheating or drinking or drugs or any other vice there is. I think that most people that fall into that "bad girl" category want to change, maybe they just havent found someone strong enough or patient enough to deal with it. Thats a scary thing to think about, you find someone, speaking from a person that needs to be changed, and you start to think that this person can deal with it and even if you put everything up front and they know I think they are still never really prepared for the kind of situation you are worried about and they want to change in you or keep you from falling into... In my case, if youve read my other posts you know my major battle was the blue devil... I thought that would never end, two years of my life spent trying to survive for nothing other than that. Everything I did was in some way related to trying to keep the devil on my back or trying to get it off. Far more time was spent trying to keep it on if im gonna be honest. Then I got sick of it and realized that the only way to keep it off was to get away and so I did. I moved 1000+ miles away from the life I had known since moving away from home. To be honest I wasnt leaving much at that point, I had shunned so much in my single mindedness for blues. I was truly on my own and I know I put myself there. All I could do was go home with my tail between my legs and hope that the agony would somehow end there. In retrospect I think it was by far one of the hardest things ive ever done in my life. I left without a backward glance on a moments notice and feeling like I had completely failed at life. I came home and felt like shit for a couple months at least, then I managed to find a couple connections, not to blues at first but vics and the like. Which to anyone who has suffered through WDs knows is like the next best thing to blues themselves. Then eventually like an idiot I got online and found a connection for blues. I dont even know why, I think looking back now I was feeling ok, not good but better then i was when i left. I just couldnt be happy, I felt like I forgot how to even smile. The only time I could even muster it was when I felt like I needed to for my family. So began the cycle of getting blues from online, at first it wasnt so bad but like it always does it gets its claws in you and youre right back where you started before you even know what hit you. I started the damn cycle of getting a shipment then going through withdrawals if I couldnt afford another one or if I had to wait to long for the next. I couldnt believe that even from a thousand miles away I had managed to do exactly the thing I had run away from. I can remember the last time I actually got them, It was my birthday of this year and when I ran out I was feeling like shit, driving home from my sisters and taking 100mg morphine just to try to feel like I was gonna make it through the day.

Then it happened, as it usually does when you are not expecting it, I started to talk to someone online, i know very cliche these days,but still... I started talking to her and eventually texting and suddenly I wasnt thinking about blues anymore, I wasnt thinking about anything but her. She completely captured my attention and I was totally blindsided. Suddenly I wanted to go out again and be alive again and not stay in the same basement I had been in for nearly six months. I feel like my body healed because my mind did now that i think about it. She patched something that had been long broken and I wasnt even sure what it was that was broken at the time. Im pretty sure now, again pardon the cliche, that it was my heart and spirit, and along with that my will to live. This was only talking through text but I just felt like I knew her and I felt like she felt the same way. She got me in ways that I didnt think were possible to get a person without years of getting to know them. I knew it before I met her, in person that is, that I was gonna fall hard and even though it was a scary and dangerous position for someone like me to be in considering my recent break from a long scary journey and the fragility that was still so painfully obvious to me.... If things went bad they could send me right back down and probably further then where i was before if thats possible. But I didnt even think about it, I just went with it I had to, I felt this compulsion to know her that I still dont understand. Within a couple weeks I felt like we had been together for a long time and I felt better than I had in well, two years at least. Probably more like four to be honest because it was just her and I not the triangle I dealt with for so long with Lo and Ed. I didnt feel any pretense to be something or someone I wasnt and I reveled in that freedom to finally be myself. I told her things before we even met that would have taken me years to tell other people, I was totally honest with her about myself even stupid things. I just wanted to say everything that was me because I felt like I hadnt even been me in so long that by telling her I was also rediscovering and remembering the person I used to be, that I wanted to be. I felt very free but at the same time we hadnt even met in person and even though I pretty much ignored that minor detail it still made me a bit nervous. Eventually the time came to meet though because we were already in as far as we could go without meeting each other and deciding whether or not to pursue it which seemed like a rather ludicrous thought considering how close we already were. I remember driving there and not really feeling a bit nervous. I should have, I've only met someone online once and that was very short lived and I had so much more at stake with this. Though I didn't want to admit it at the time my heart was already slipping to this girl felt like I knew forever but really didn't know that well at all. I really digress from the whole point of this post but I thought background was good. Too make a long story short we met and were completely in love within a month. It may sound crazy, he'll we said it was crazy many times but it was good and suddenly I felt like I was high. As close to a blues high as you can get without putting chemicals in your body that aren't naturally there. I was shocked, I hadn't thought about blues since she and I started talking and now I was feeling that way without having touched anything, except well her of course... Again I digress. Anyway I have quiet the sordid past and since I wanted to be myself and not have to worry or keep secrets I told her everything. The best and the worst of it though I feel that there was/is far more worse then there is best. I told her about the blues, where I had been, being sick... even Ed and how I met him which I dont think anyone except Lo knew. It was freeing and terrifying at the same time. I wasnt trying to push her away but I wanted her to know what she was getting into too, with the struggle that I had gone through with the blues and was honestly just getting out of. I had already hurt enough people with it and I didnt want her to be one of those people. Maybe I dont give myself enough credit, as she always says but Ive learned from my many battles to stay clean that it is a life long process.

Now back to the original point of the whole post, you find that person that says despite all that you have told them that they love you enough to deal with it. But is it fair? I mean she would say once again i dont give myself enough credit but I upset her last night and tonight and its indirectly about blues but not. I suppose I did this to myself by being so dramatic about the potential issues I face but I felt like I had to put it all out on the table and let her decide... At least I thought I did, put it all out that is... But im realizing that by focusing on what I thought was the most pertinent and most relationship deciding thing for her I left out other parts of me. Not intentionally but nonetheless I did and tonight I felt the sting of that. I dont ever want to be someone im not again, it made my life miserable and nearly ended it. However with that being said I also dont want to be someone that she isnt happy to be with. I feel like i keep messing up by trying to protect her from things that maybe I underestimate her strength on. And then there are the things that worry her that i screw up on too and whether its explanation or just stupid comments which by the way I am quite adept at. I feel like ive made a huge mistake though without realizing it, and something she said tonight made me realize it and scared me. If youve followed my previous posts then you know that I was on adderall for quite a while, then off for a while then when i got back home after a couple months they put me on ritalin... well I dont quite use the script the way it should be... I used to snort it in college, i feel like saying that kind of implies more than a couple times but thats all it was was a couple times but adderall is way stronger and though the ritalin helps, taking it by mouth is like eating a breath mint at that strength. Not that I am saying that its right or even the best way, maybe i should ask for ritalin xr but the whole point of it is that she hates it. I dont know if it always bothered her or just now thats she is with me all the time she sees it more and so it scares her... again my doing for trying to get her to understand the gravity of the situation with the blues, which she obviously does or i feel like she wouldnt have such strong feeling on this. Then again maybe she would, I dont know. When we first started talking, or maybe after we had already met I told her that I was out partying with some friends and they had yay and she asked me if i did it and i told her yes... I suppose i could have said no but I dont want to have to hide anything and she didnt comment just said be careful I think... Then the ritalin, which i was actually on a couple months before we met, or maybe just one but it has always been the same since I started it. I used up the script in a few days and then didnt think about it til it was time to refill and even then it wasnt like i marked the days on my calender. Then my sis got her scripts going again and I will admit that that was probably not the best situation... I feel like when I compare myself to my sister I am def not where she is and again just speculation and drawing on previous experience but I dont think I even could be... It has the opposite effect on her as it does me... I think I cant really tell i guess because its hard to judge your own behavior in a situation like that but she even scares me a little bit when she is on it. I mean its just like a person on speed and thats not the effect its suppose to have on people that are suppose to have it. I asked my girl tonight if I was that different on it and she said more talkative and outgoing but nothing crazy and nothing like my sister. My sister just goes on and on and you cant get a word in edgewise unless you tell her to stop and listen to what you have to say and thats normal conversation and she is very edgy, i know i can get that way but i also know that the klonopin helps not only with seizures but to keep that edginess away. What scares her is the way I am a day or two after I run out. I guess I can see that particular behavior and worry and i respect that but i feel like she needs to understand that even if I took it as prescribed and how I am suppose to take it I would go through that, except it would be worse because I would be taking it full time, all the time. my script if for 3x a day every month. I remember the withdrawals from Adderall when i took it for so long exactly as prescribed and it was nothing compared to a day or two of being a little down. Maybe its my own fear of becoming dependent on something again that doesnt allow me to take it like that. That may sound nuts but if you think about it it makes sense, to me at least. I know my limits, especially after dealing with the blues and starting to take that everyday as prescribed would cause a physical dependence that I cant handle right now. It helps me to not feel restless and to be in a better mood, which incidently in rare cases it is used as an antidepressant, i feel like talking more and being more outgoing for a few days is a lot better than the potential physical and eventually mental dependence i would develop from everyday use. Even at the small level im at it would eventually cause that, within a month. Im not ready, im not sure if ill ever be ready to deal with that kind of dependence again. I do doubt myself but only to protect myself from being to sure, the kind of sure that gets you in trouble cause you think youre fine and you let your guard down. Im fairly sure that i will never be in the situation i was in with the blues with anything else. Thats why i get my script and its gone so fast because if im honest with myself and i guess with her I dont want to add another involuntary dependence. I can and have dealt with the good and bad with this situation and maybe it only makes sense to me but I think I would rather have a few good days to focus and be happy and get shit done then worry about the consequences of taking it regularly, note as prescribed. There is no way a few days will cause that dependence, it hasnt in months and im not worried about it starting randomly now... However i will say that I probably should not be hanging out with dorrie when she gets her script. That has become to close together and its one thing for me to use mine because im actually using less with what she uses out of it but I dont need or want the extra that comes from her seemingly endless scripts either. I knew when I had to get away from the blue devil, even though i am a little thick headed and it took me a while. I can honestly say that I have learned a major lesson there and not one I care to repeat. I feel like I will know when I need to step back from this, like for instance what i said about not being around lanae when she gets her scripts. i will concede to that not being a good thing but its again also a testament to knowing my limits so much better now after having lost them so completely before. I guess that tonight made me see that too, the comment about always being with lanae and that being what we do made me look at it differently and reexamine whether or not that was going to be dangerous for me. I understand that i need to make compromises for both of us and i am completely willing to do that but i feel like that has to be on both ends. Like i said I need to be trusted and feel like i do have control over it, I cant let myself be scared of things because of past mistakes. I need this in a way to prove to myself that I can do this, not that I think I will ever be able to do it with blues for instance, i know thats out of the question but in my mind that shows just how much I have learned from that. I cant ever go there, not just once in a while, never. The whole situation with the blues and the company i was keeping and all that til i moved completely tore me down. Im not perfect and i never will be but as dumb as it may seem and again refer to the im not perfect statement and i do things kind of weirdly, this is my own way of proving that im not born to be who my parents were that i wont end up like them and i can do something without worrying that its gonna become a never ending cycle that i feel their lifes were. Maybe thats playing with fire but its also good to know that I have succeeded in many areas that they have failed and this is just another....

So I feel like in the end there will be compromise and everything will be fine because ive been through worse and like i said before i made it through where my parents gave up. Little bit of a sidetrack there but still pertinent. So now that i have been up all night getting this piece of my brain out it is time to go be with the one that i do so trust and know that no matter what we will always find a balance and compromise to any situation... Thats part of the reason I love her so much...

So the Journey continues whether we want it to or not

2010-11-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

I cant believe I have been back home for 6 months now. I feel like I just got here in terms of what I have actually accomplished. I suppose if I really think about it I am in a better position now then I was when I left FL but I feel so helpless here. And def like a ghost of the person I was 10 years ago when I first left home. Its weird because its like all the people around me have changed and yet the environment and expectations are the same. I am so sick of pretending that I am the same whole person I was when I left. Im not, no one sees the shell of who I used to be, either than or they ignore it. I dont know if I really care anymore, my own disguise is failing and I am forgetting to put up the fake me which just confuses everyone and they attribute it to a bad day. How could I the one with so much potential, with the college athletic and academic scholarships turn out to be the most messed up of all my siblings. It wasnt suppose to happen this way. Shit my younger sister is 26 with a 5 year old and living on welfare but I still think she is more well adjusted than I am. I dont know who said it now but they said what I have been thinking all along, they thought I was the well adjusted one, the college athlete/ graduate and one with the determination to make it and I know better. My sisters may not have have the same oppurtunites as I have but apparently they took advantage of them. Even with all I had going for me I made a couple bad decisions and threw my life away. I know its not over but it feels that way. I lost the only person who probably would have done anything for me and the bitch of it is I dont blame her. I wouldnt have wanted to be with me that way either. I say now that I was young and stupid and to a large degree its very true. As ive gotten older ive come to appreciate the true beauty of what we had and the complete lack of love and respect that I showed that. I broke her heart so many times. It makes me want to cry just thinking about all the stupid shit I did. The worst part is that much of it is unforgivable, at least in my eyes, it would take a big person to look past that stuff and give me another chance and I dont know that I really deserve one, even if I know I would never make those mistakes again. She doesnt know. Many times I think she isnt nearly as happy as she was when she was happy with me. Not when I was being an immature ass but when we were happy together, out having fun, running by the beach, mountain biking, traveling, happy smokey and piggin out. The time we had smoked so much and had a huge dinner and less than half an hour later she asked me if we ate and I told her no and she ate a whole nother dinner. Holding our newborn nephew and watching him grow, getting to spend time with him in FL, taking him to the ocean for the first time. Being there are as some of the most important people in our lives died, my mother and great grandmother, her grandmother and dog daisy that she had had forever. Our best friend TJ. A lot of sorrow we survived together. A lot of trauma we made it through, I never thought there would be something we couldnt survive and I put all my stock in that and thats why I am so broken now. I had 100% complete trust in this person, would have gladly put my life in her hands and would have jumped in front of a bullet for her and the whole time it was me who was killing her slowly. I can remember when we broke up for the first time and she was sitting in the bathroom with razor blades threatening to kill herself. I didnt leave, no matter how wrong it was, no matter who I was dating, even though we werent together we were and every night I spent away was another sword through her heart. Even though I told her I would never leave her for anyone she couldnt put that complete trust in me. I screwed around but I came home to the same bed every night. No one ever compared to her in any way and I realized at some point that thats what I was comparing everyone too. I took for granted that she would always be there and when I finally settled down she would be there to settle down with me. No amount of spoken apologies will likely make up for all the heartbreak I caused and yet I know that if I dont get to be with her again Ill just keep finding out what I always knew, there is no one else like her and there never will be.

Interestingly I used to have these dreams early in our relationship and periodically throughout it that she was going to leave me and no matter what I said would make no difference. They used to upset me so much that I would wake her and she would promise me over and over that no matter what she would never leave me. I should have paid attention to those dreams, it was my subconscious warning me that thats exactly where my behavior was heading our relationship too. Occasionally I will have dreams now that we get back together but I cant tell anymore if its wishful thinking. I asked my best friend one time if she thought I would ever find anyone better than her and she said no. She was so right.

I dont want to live in the world without her, I just have to decide if her existence in this life is enough. I spend far more time in our past memories than I do in the times that are happening now. I get out of bed everyday and I consider that an accomplishment. If I can get of the basement apt im in in a day thats another accomplishment. My life is being measured in accomplishments that most people think of as second nature, things they do on the way to their accomplishments. Its not that I want to feel this way, I just dont know what to do to get out of it. Half the time I feel selfish for it and the other half I feel helpless. I seem to be best at hurting the ones that love me, whether they are aware of it yet or not.

I have such a long journey in front of me to even become a shadow of the former person I was. I smile when someone catches the grimace that seems permanently etched on my face. I do things so that everyone thinks im ok, but no one realizes what a shell of the person I was I am now. I feel like there is some barrier between the feelings that hit me and the actual feeling of them. Someone took the substance out of me and forgot to replace it with anything. I cant even remember the last time I was truly happy without any chemical assistance and even that offers no happiness anymore, just a numbness that is as close as I come. I say I dont really care but I guess that isnt entirely true either I worry about my family and the effect my downfall has had on them. They are supportive and do whatever they can but I follow through just to keep them happy, to keep them from worrying. Sometimes I think I make the effort just so they will leave me alone and believe the facade that I have worked so carefully to construct and maintain. Thats the thing about facades though, they arent the real you and eventually that will come out. I think my family wants so badly for me to be the person they thought I would turn out to be that they turn a blind eye to a lot of the stupid shit I am doing. They are a prayer will fix everything type of family and I dont even believe in that stuff.

I know I sound like im whining, I am very lucky to have a family like mine and even though we have difference of opinion they would do whatever they could to help me be happy again. Its just that none of them can heal a broken heart and thats truly what I need. I dont really think any of them truly understand how hurt I am. All my aunts and uncles and grandparents have been married forever. They dont understand the concept of having your heart broken to the point it leaves you laying on the floor with nothing but the breath escaping your lips to let someone know you are alive. I know it is possible to die of a broken heart, I just keep wondering why it hasnt happened to me yet.

I know a while I posted an opinion on the topic of suicide. I have a lot of info on the subject as both my parents committed suicide. I dont think I ever understood it until now. I was angry at one time and thought it was selfish of them too but now that I understand what they were going through and the similarity to my own situation I think that I am happy for the peace they attained. Even though I miss them both I know that even if death is simply a lack of existence, a nothing. It lacks the pain of life and thats the draw for many. I think as I stated before that I think the selfishness comes from the people who insist they stay because their sadness would be an issue yet the sadness that person goes through every day is not of concern. Everyone has a life and eventually they get sick of worrying or taking care of the person who wants to end their life but then sit there and say what could I have done. I dont want to be seen as the pathetic or depressed person, the perpetual burden and hardly fun to be around. As I mentioned before I spend far more time in my memories than I do in the present. In fact I think I would be hard pressed to come up with a specific memory from the last six months. Despite the cliche I feel like Bella in New Moon after she loses Edward. I am sitting in the chair watching the months and seasons pass but the chair keeps spinning and there is no Jacob to heal anything. What scares me is that there may never be, I will always compare everyone to her and no one will measure up. I may settle but it will never be her and that will always weigh on my mind and effect the person I "settle" with. Thats hardly fair.

However as my title says, life will go on whether I want it to or not. I know I have the choice to end it and it is something that I have both tried (you would not believe how difficult it is to kill yourself, painlessly at least) and will continue to consider it an option and in the meantime I hope that this endless spiral down will eventually follow the law of what goes down must come up. Im sick of measuring my life in times that I have something to dull or help the pain and spending the rest of the time thinking about how im going to aquire those things. I hate the person I have become and only hope that fate intervenes and gives me one more chance to do it right. I cant say that I wont screw that chance up too but I will sure as hell try my best to recognize it and make the best of it. I know there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse but its hard to think about that when you only know and understand the situation you are in, or not understand it. Its hard to empathize with a situation you have never experienced.

Ritalin Vs. Adderall Instant releases

2010-10-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, a little note: I am prescribed Ritalin for ADD and I am an adult, my experiences may not hold true for the younger people on these meds. I also have no training or degree in Pharmacology or chemistry, these are strictly personal observations. I was also on a pretty good prescription coverage insurance program that allowed me to get my Adderall at a twenty dollar co-pay. After the loss of that insurance I am making due with the resources I have.

So after being switched from Adderall XR to Ritalin IR I thought I would offer my two cents. Ive done a little research online and havent been able to find the answers I was looking for so here is my observation. First of all Adderall is way more expensive then it has a right to be. I mean if you dont have insurance you are looking at least $200 a month in script cost and thats if you take it once a day. If you are suppose to take it more than once a day you are screwed. That being said I do think that Adderall is superior to Ritalin in many ways. My first complaint with Ritalin is the come down. I am sure that many would agree with me here. I have heard in my research that Ritalin has come to be referred to as Diet Coke and I can see why. At least in terms of craving more as the effects wear off it is a dead ringer for coke. In terms of effect on the brain Ritalin effects the brain in nearly the same way as cocaine. I havent noticed a marked improvement in terms of concentration as I did with Adderall. Conversely Adderall effects the brain more in the way of meth and since both Cocaine and Meth have the effect of craving more once the effects wear off I am wondering why it is so much more pronounced with Ritalin.

Once upon a time before I actually had a legit prescription for either I did experiment with Ritalin and found almost the same effect in a compulsion to continue use as the positive effects wore off. Even though they were not XR I still found they had a rather peak and valley effect. As a side comment it was a good thing I had a very limited supply of pills because I probably would have continued use til they were gone. Although this is another topic entirely I will say I probably had the best athletic practice ever in terms of performance.

With Adderall I never had a compulsion to re dose when I felt the effects begin to wear off. I was also far more focused on what I was doing with adderall yet with Ritalin I feel somewhat scatterbrained in I can start something and pay attention to it for a while but soon feel a desire to move onto something else whether what I was doing was finished or not, not unlike the effects of ADD without the help of meds. Part of that for me was the interruption of that desire or perhaps a better term would be a compulsion to do more to continue to stay on task. On Ritalin I tend to feel like after a half an hour to and hour the feeling is closer to taking massive amounts of caffeine than anything productive. I have seen in my other reading a reference to Ritalin as little more than glorified caffeine and though I would not necessarily agree with that I will say they do have their similarities.

Also with adderall the after effects are not nearly as unpleasant. Not only does ritalin have that nasty compulsion to do more but if you do not you do tend to feel more or less like you have had way to much caffeine and are all revved up with nothing you could possibly concentrate on enough to actually do. Again I have never noticed that effect with adderall.

Im sure there are a lot more observations that I have neglected to address here but feel free to add your comments or experiences and if I think of anything else I will add another post about it. In general though I feel way more whacked out on ritalin then I ever did on Adderall and felt like Adderall actually did what it was suppose to and well, without the negative effects. Just my opinion. Despite the cost, if you can afford it I would say Adderall is by far the better choice but again to each their own.

Late Night Writing

2010-08-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

Every night I stare at the ceiling, the walls, anything not to close my eyes.
Anything not to see you in my eyes.
I feel the pain, its turned to a constant strain.
Death is lurking nearby trying to pull me down. Trying to offer its sweet relief, im almost won over in my belief.
From all these things I try to protect myself, sit back and put it on the shelf.
But it all keeps tumbling and im still crumbling.
I lay and pray that somehow I wont live to see another day but it doesnt work that way and still I live to see each new day..
Its a curse that I live to write this new verse.
Thinking I dont belong here and how that all seems so clear and yet I still stay in the hopes that ill find a way to make this pain fade, to see that I have it made.
You have me in your grips and I dont know if I can handle this.

You see my crying, you see me dying.
You know this pain, you can see it plain.
You see what I lack but you wont give it back.
Im dead to you, you can see right through.
My heart is bleeding but im still needing you.
Ill lay here and burn cause I never seem to learn
that no matter how hard I try it will always be a lie
that you cant believe, the thing that made you leave
The thing that makes me see that youre to good for me

So get away while you can, here ill even count to ten
Go now, run, head toward the sun and stay in the light
that I could never keep bright.
My life will pass and I may finish last
but thats never what I wanted for you and you can believe thats true.

Your last smile will have to last me a while
Til I can step outside and not have to hide.
Your shadow will never be far behind
and ill always be here if you want me to make you mine
I doubt it will ever be true but either way Ill always have a thing for you.

These lines are in front of me and I want to see more.
More and more til I hit the floor.
No twitch while I sit and bitch
about what I lost and what it cost.
The tears and fears of the last 8 years
fill me with loss that I just cant toss away.
Its a crime in a way but I still have to pay even if it was my choice to stay.
Just take me away, just let me lay,
let my life pass by, just let me die.

Amazing the perspective time gives

2010-07-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

So much has happened, I dont even know where to start. Im coming from a mostly clean mind, Ive won some fights but sometimes I feel like im losing the war. Everyday is a struggle and most days end with my wishing I wasnt gonna wake up the next day, then waking up and wondering what the hell im suppose to do with myself. Funny as I read back over these posts I see so clearly now what I should have done, the road I was headed down. As the saying goes hindsight is 20/20. Ive gained and lost so much in the last ten years its hard to comprehend from where Im sitting now. From truly being high on life and sports to being high on everything else. Dealing with that blue devil has consumed me, made my whole life focus all about it. I hate myself for it. Ive lost everything thats important to me. Been robbed twice, lost everything everything ive ever gotten from anyone. Got pictures and clothes left I dont really feel sorry for myself because I can see that I brought it on myself.

Lost Lo, left ed and its me myself and I.

New Beginnings

2010-07-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I last posted and with time comes change. The devil on my back has come and gone and come and gone and is in the process of trying to climb back up again. An annoying and wearisome battle to be sure. I moved to another state, back with my family in another attempt to thwart it but im learning that moving only causes your problems to travel. I now have a basement apt at my aunt and uncles which is far better then the last couple years as far as space and comfort. The same loneliness without Lo though. That I fear will never go away. In fact it has been the cause of many a wakeful night trying to figure out what it is I am living for again. I have forgotten what its like to be content and happy. Something I didnt realize I was until I wasnt. Lo said the other day that if I were to do, which I would happily welcome right now, that I would make the seperation permanent. That has merit but Im not sure that the way things are now is much diff. It already feels like a permanent separation and I dont forsee a change in that. I have looked at all sides of that and though I know and have talked about the "selfish" side of that I ultimately think in some situations it is the best thing. Is it not selfish on the part of others to want someone to live in pain and suffering just so they are still alive and available to those who want them there?

New Job... New Beginnings

2009-10-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

So after a looong drawn out period of searching for employment, I am finally working. I had been looking for a long time for anything other than what I was doing with my last steady job. I was at the vets office for a while but that began to wear on me with all the cruelty I saw and the death. I kind of just left one day and never came back. They never even called me to see if I was ok, whatever, I dont think they were the brightest people anyway. After working in the clinic and seeing what has happened and happens behind closed doors I wouldnt bring my cats there. They lost 3 animals the week I left

Note: this was 10/29/09 just decided to post my drafts

Why does it come to this...

2009-10-03T11:58:00.001-07:00

I am not sure what makes someone decide why there life isnt worth it anymore... I can only give my own perspective. Many people think its a selfish act but how selfish is it to give up the rest of ones life and not because of frivolous reasons, have you considered how hard it is to die alone, or even die. We all have thoughts and dreams we want to accomplish. Can you imagine being so hurt that the only thing left for you is to leave. Nothing that made you happy, makes you happy anymore. You are lost and alone, whether real or imagined that is the way you feel. Maybe you were wrong, you didnt give the one you love what they want, despite what they said. The rest of your family is gone... you are stuck in a situation you truly cant see a way out of. If you get to the point where you truly dont want to live anymore, I feel sorry for you, not the family you leave behind. They tend to hide behind BS excuses as to why they couldnt see it or recognize where you were. They had their own lifes going on... no one would say it but I bet that tends to be a reason. I say that with a heavy heart, knowing that the same applies to those I love. I wouldn't say everyone, but those who have know you longest or best would apply. For instance my dads family would probably do a lot if they thought that was where I was headed but my moms family, who has known me my whole life would be slower to react. Weird I suppose, but true.

My ADD has really been tough for me lately. I cant afford to see a doctor for it, and even if I could, I wouldnt be able to afford the medication. Really, $250+ for adderall is ridiculous, and I thought the patent was suppose to be up soon. Its really sick what the pharmaceutical companies get away with, I know I would rather not have to take anything and just be normal. The cost is just an added "Bonus" for me, just to be able to focus like most people. I think I could do great things if I could focus on something for more than 10 seconds. The worst part is I dont even know when I will have the insurance to be able to see a doc and when I do he/she may not be willing to prescribe me the adderall. Its a sad world when those who need it cant get it because of those who "want" it. Either way I need to do something, its not such a big deal while im not really doing anything, although that may be why I have not really been doing anything. Lol. I had to laugh at myself because I started a sentence then my phone went off and when I came back to the sentence I had no idea where I was going with it... Yes it can happen to anyone but such a typical ADD moment.

My sister has been in the hospital for the last 8 days... they moved her from where she was about 45 min south to a bigger hospital. She was in for pneumonia, then they told her she had Mersa, then finally they transferred her for a collapsed lung. I dont personally see the connection between the 3 but I guess thats why Im not a doctor... Anyway she says she is doing better finally, which knowing her could mean anything, she just doesnt want me worrying. I feel bad that she is less than 15 min from the family we grew up in and they still havent visited her. My older sis has been a few times, for which I am thankful.

I was freaking out about how I was going to get all my bills paid... My phone was shut off today but luckily a friend paid it and didnt tell me until they said call me when its on. Now I am worried about my car insurance, it is suppose to come out tomm but tomm is a Sun so im not sure how that works... anyways Im almost $30 short and since Im still on that account with Lo I feel really bad about it taking anything out much less putting it in overdraft. I still need to pay for the last time they took out insurance and another $40 I spent... I am putting my pride aside and asking my step dad if he can help me out so that I can put the cash back... Even though Lo took what seemed like a lot of extra cash out when I had my tax return in there I still feel bad. Besides, im sure she felt that I owed her which im sure I really did, I just feel like she should have told me. I told her as much, so I didnt feel terribly about the last insurance and money I needed to take for the car. I just dont want her to think I am taking advantage because if there were any other way I would do it. The last thing I want is her thinking im not responsible or cant handle myself... It just hit at a bad time in the month.

Im sick of feeling like crap all the time, every morning I wake up wondering why I did. I started a book then realized I already read it... "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom In it this guy tries to kill himself and at one point he says, those who want to die are the ones that have the hardest time doing so. It would be interesting to see what the statistics are for those who die by there own hand and those who dont but by the same method... for instance, how many people shot in the head survive vs. the amount of people who die by self inflicted gunshot to the same area... of course accounting for number differences in both categories. I guess my mom would be a good example of that for me... She tried to OD on pills so many times but then according to the M.E. she just took her meds twice in one night and poof, shes gone. After all she had been through, she dies on the smallest overdose. Of course I have my own theories about that but for now this is case in point.

Anyway, my whole point was on suicide, I just dont agree with the whole selfish thing. Having been at that point myself I know how much pain it takes to get there. The despair and anguish I have felt at that point is unbearable, im sure anyone who saw a way out would take it. The whole point is ending the pain you are in. I think saying it is selfish is just another way of throwing blame rather than accepting it. That being said, there are exceptions to everything. Some people overestimate anothers ability to deal with something they think is "part of life". For instance the loss of a partner or significant other, it happens to everyone at some point or another. What if someone feels like they have lost "the one"... that can mean something different for everyone and probably means more to those who have already found that person. There was a case in the news about an Asian couple, I use the generalization because im not exactly sure of the nationality. Anyway, the woman died, im not sure of the causes, and her husband was absolutely bereft. In the end he went to wherever she was (morgue or funeral home) swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and lay in the crypt with her until her died. I can imagine a lot of people would think this was sick, but I can understand. Having been in a relationship that I feel that strongly about someone, I use present tense because I still do, if that were to have happened I would have done the same. Who would understand but someone who has been that close to someone? Obviously a lot of other factors can work into that or what makes a person commit suicide in general but that is just my very general opinion. As I write this I realize there is really a lot more I could add but for now ill leave it at that....

What a mess.

2009-09-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

I need to start a new job, any job cautiously optimistic about Cheese, need to call today to find out what the outcome of my interview and subsequent call to my old GM was. I am no where near patient and so I called myself to my old store and asked what my outcome was when I left. He said everything was good, so it will be interesting to hear any excuses if there are any. Im worried about not having insurance and not being able to get my adderall. I went to get my last script anticipating starting a new job but it had been to long since I dropped it off, so they wanted me to get it rewritten. Ha, it would cost me $250 for the appt, if I could even get a hold of him and then an additional $200+ for the script. Not having health insurance sucks. Ive never been political, but im starting to pay a little bit more attention to the whole health care thing. I don't pretend to know for a second whats best but I know it would help me a hell of a lot if I had insurance and could get the med's I need. I would definitely be more of what people would call a productive member of society. It seems like I focus less as the days go by, and I've developed plenty of bad habits to add to my general lack of focus. I feel like I'm losing my mind, it sucks to not be able to be interested in something for more than a few minutes. It always amazes me that I can even get through an entire post, which is why they tend to be few and far between. I know things need to change but im afraid of getting sick of things so fast that regardless of how much I want the job, I wont be able to keep with it. The more I think about it, the more I realize these last 8 or so months has flown by and I hardly remember any of it. I have become the thing I feared the most and as of now im really not seeing many options for getting out of it. I have plenty of ideas but having ideas and putting them into action are entirely different stories.
I am actually listening to music today, Ive found that for the most part Ive lost interest in things that used to interest me, the most of which being music. It also doesn't help that I am horrible about keeping in touch with people so I've pretty much isolated myself. My sister is not doing well, how you can go from pneumonia to mersa to collapsed lung, is beyond me. I feel like I should be there but im barely hanging on myself and I know I can't afford it. If she wants me there then I will go... Im feeling so much desperation right now, im not even sure what makes me happy anymore. I don't even know why I get out of bed in the morning right now. This isn't exactly where I pictured myself at this point in my life. I guess no one really ever ends up where they think they will. No amount of hiding or burying myself in books will change what my reality is now.

mistakes

2009-09-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

"What matters more than the mistakes you make, is what you learn from them" T.I.

New roads on the horizon?

2009-09-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

Im not really sure what to make of myself right now... Maybe just because I am reading the books, but I feel like Bella when Edward left her in the forest. I could I have been so stupid, even with being able to see this coming, I did nothing to stop it... i put too much stock in the word of another.. I wonder if she is missing me too. No doubt I am in by far the worst shape I have been in my whole life. Drinking only makes it worse but I feel like ill crumple from the pressure of my own broken heart if I dont black it out somehow. I dont even know how I make it through the day... not that others havent been through this but I feel truly bereft and after 6 months or more you would think I would start seeing the light... I dont know if i cant or dont want too. I just dont feel whole, i dont think i ever will. I cant imagine ever having that type of relationship with anyone. I was told at one point that my lot in life was to suffer for others... is that the whole leaving her alone part, and remaining unhappy to keep others happy? Its nothing less than I deserve, even if I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I have made my mistakes but this is a heavy karmic punishment, even for my behavior... i waiting for my last chance angel next lol. I hope she sees this for what it is, i would be by her side in a heartbeat, but i think she is happier without me. I love her enough to want her happy, even if it kills me. Which it may, i would have thought ive drank enough to put down a horse...I think ive blacked out everynight for the last month or more. The mechanic where i get my car fixed said they lost one of their mechanics too tequila... it took 7 years or more. I cant wait that long, however a passive route ive taken.. and not that it does anything to aid my postition with her. She would think me as weak and worthless as ever. She is mistaking inability as just that when its more like just not seeing what the point is to moving on without her. Im going through the motions, im sure it will take alot to pull me out of that.. if its possible. I wish i had some support or understanding but im pretty much stuck. I want to run away but im afraid of losing even the proximity of her. Why did it take this to realize I was completely lost withhout her, my soul mate. And does she not feel the same? This may be the death of me yet.

Dads family for the first time

2009-08-19T16:54:00.000-07:00

" Lately ive been hard to reach, ive been to long on my own, everybody has a private world where they can be alone. Are you calling me, are you tryin to get through, are you reaching out for me, and im reaching out for you." " im just f*ckin depressed I just cant seem to get out this slump, if i could just get out this hump but i need something to get me out this dump i took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and got right back up...."I dont know how or why, or when i ended up in this position im in im starting to feel distant again.... I dont know how i got into this situation again, but I know one thing, ill be one tough act to follow." Not exactly the lyrics but close... Eminem song beautiful perfectly describes how I feel. I just dont think anyone can understand without walking in my shoes... the one I lost. I feel like im just going throug the motions. I wish I could qoute the song but it takes forever, just download it if interested. Meeting my dads family was an experience, I missed them almost as soon as I left. They are the only part of him I have left, I am left with more questions than answers. He may have shot himself, but he lived for a reason and the fact that his gf pulled the plug gives me murderous rage. She had no right and I will hunt her down till the day I die. She had no right and I feel that urge to kill when it comes to her. Movies show the same, you feel that obligation to your parents. He was coming home, maybe she killed him herself, who knows. I can tell you, she will regret ever meeting me thats for sure.

Where Am I?

2009-08-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

So, its been a couple months since my last post and im not really sure im any further from that spot... That being said, I didnt re-read it because I probably would be embaressed by what I wrote, it is after all entitled Patron 3/4 bottle... That should say it all. The biggest things that have happened are a family reunion, that I nearly didnt go to, for lack of invitation and that I hadnt talked to grandma in nearly 6 months. Not such a great idea when it comes to family relations. I need to call her now that Im thinking about it. I am currently seething over a situation that happened while I was at said reunion. I left my cats in the car of a neighbor for 1 day and she says she locked the key in the house... She then took it upon herself to have a locksmith come out and change the locks on my door. If that werent enough to piss me off in itself, she then handed me the bill.... $200. Absolutely f*cking ridiculous, they took the old lock and changed a top lock that she told them had no key, which was done purposefully. When I contacted the lock company they of course tried to put all the blame on the neighbor saying they only pushed the door open and she was the one who decided to have the locks changed AFTER the door had been opened. I asked them very specifically if they used any tools at all to open the door and they said no, they simply pushed it open, could someone please explain to me then why she didnt just take the key and say thank you and leave? I need anger management, im ready to strangle someone for this. It may seem petty but really who has $200 dollars to spend on a lock that didnt need changing. That and the fact that this nosey freakin neighbor made a decision without even consulting me. Meddling does not even cover this person, that and she got a hold of someone I work with to take care of my cats because apparently she felt that one day was too much for them to be alone. I have not paid of course and I refuse to do so. This is going to lead to somewhat of a neighborhood feud im sure but seriously, what right did she have? The lock company is just as liable for changing the locks on someones place without even talking to them, just taking the word of a neighbor. I really could go on and on about this but im doing everything I can to make the company pay and if I have to, I will go after the neighbor. Yea it may only be $200 but its also the principle of it and the fact that the damn door looks ridiculous now and Im gonna have to pay for another lock that looks reasonable anyway. Someone is lying, either she is about locking the key in or the company saying that she decided after they simply pushed the door open to change the lock. Ok, still really seeing red about it but ill leave it at that for now.

Anyway, the family reunion, much less stressful then I thought, apparently my sister told my aunt that I was suicidal, my aunt then told my grandmother and I got a phone call that night. No animosity and everyone seemed closer then before at the reunion, the could be the influence of the gin though. It was fun to be around everyone and my sisters, hasnt been that way since mom was alive and we were young. That and I whipped everyone in pool. Guess all that time playing at the rec center with my sister when we were young paid off, for me at least... she still lost to me ha ha. Oh and the more interesting highlight, my sister was staying at my aunts and I at my grandmas, they only live a few blocks apart. So I went to my aunts and my sister and I went to 7-11 a couple streets from my aunts so I could get a phillie and get my sister cigarettes. I got my philly and put it to good use. Rather than smoke in my grandmothers car we decided to sit outside the car in the parking lot behind 7-11 and talk while smoking. We had talked for awhile and one car passed and I got nervous for a second thinking it was a cop, it wasnt... damn paranoia. A little bit passed and I turned to put out my philly... Not even 2 minutes later a bright light was shining on us and I was having a heart attack. The cop got out of his car and asked us our names, I of course was talking as fast as my heart was beating... being under the influence was not helping. I explained that we were just out here talking, that I was staying at my grandmothers and she was staying with my aunt, we just came out to talk. I offered up that I was here from out of state... stupid on my part I know. He asked if we walked and I said no that the car in front of us was mine. He said people dont usually sit behind closed businesses.. I replied that we could leave if he wanted. He said no thats ok, shined the light into the car, where my open container was sitting in a cup holder and then left. Talk about dodging a bullet. I dont know why he didnt see the can or even give us a hard time for that matter, maybe because it was 2 girls? Whatever, new respect for MI cops definitely earned. My sister and I were cracking up after that, she was far calmer then I was, of course she had nothing on her. I was the only idiot there. I hope that was a sign of my luck changing. It was luck for sure.

On another slightly less ridiculous note, I have gotten caught up in the Twilight series. I never watch a movie more than once and im ashamed to admit I have seen Twilight I think 4-5 times and just bought the movie. I also finished the all the books in about 4 days. I hardly consider myself someone to get caught up in things like this but for some reason its got me. I cant wait for New Moon to come out, even though I just cringed thinking that. Whatever, I guess it will be my little guilty pleasure. Im not particularly attracted to anyone in the movie, guess I just wish my life was as exciting. Probably what it is for most people I would think, that and I wish I could write like that. Ive wanted to write a book for so long, I used to write books when I was young, I dont know what happened to the ideas or the creativity but I cant seem to find it now.

So took a little break to go talk to the neighbor about not being happy with the lock, talk about shooting the messenger, she threatened to tell the whole damn neighborhood about not being paid and where I work on top of that... and I didnt even say she wasnt getting paid, I just said I wasnt happy with the lock and the lock company said that she lied. She practically threw me out of the house. I now despise her more, however, my anger is somewhat tempered by the way she reacted before I even had a chance to get angry. She threatened to sic her crazy gun collecting son on me on top of that. Geez people are effin crazy. I need to get out of here... I now know where that saying, drive you to drink comes from.

Part 3 Last Third

2009-06-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

I dont know if I will actually get through the last 3rd tonight but it should stand as a testament to my state of mind that I have made it to this point in relatively little time. That being said, pause for another shot. I forgot I already set it up, probably a good indication I dont need it. Bottoms up... I have come to realize if Lo is reading this, it will just reiterate the fact that I am a loser. Not totally irresponsible but still a loser. No wonder she had resorted to emailing me on facebook and myspace rather than just texting or calling, how nice of her to make the effort at all. Again refer to above state of mind..

The sting I feel now, barely touches the pain I feel in my heart. This is the next day, passed out before I could write anymore and consequently post it. Not that im any better state of mind to being writing or posting this morning... Long story, and not morning anymore... 2 15 300 im sorry, ill be back and in the meantme ill watch out

Note: posted draft 6/20/09

Patron part 2. 2/3 bottle left

2009-06-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

I was hoping that I hadnt actually posted that post last night but as I was reading it I became more convinced that my theory of people being there most honest when drunk was proven. I would believe a drunk over a sober person any day when it comes to saying how they really feel or what they really think. They may regret having said it, if they remember, and lie about it later but for the most part drunk people are incredibly honest. The time Ed choked me 3 different time in one night he was so drunk he didnt remember it, but it was always a feeling seething under the surface for him. That incident represented everything he hated and feared about my relationship with Lo, that he effectively ruined both directly and indirectly. The intensity of his anger I have always known, he had just shown me a degree I knew was there but hadnt seen yet. Not that I ever wanted to see it, and to be honest it took me by complete surprise, I know I posted about it. The whole situation was so ridiculous I still cant believe it. Contrary to what im sure he thinks, I really dont think about it that much, another piece of abuse in a history riddled with it. Maybe thats why it slips my mind so easily. It really was unforgivable, when I look at the past incidents with that as a culmination and everything else being much milder. Im less than half his age and he is more than twice my size height and weight. No way that was a fair fight, I know everyone that knew about it thought I was crazy to stay. Where else can I go, Lo just isnt an option, shes made it pretty clear where I stand with her. I have resisted asking her for any support and therefore have ended up not talking to her, typical me. I dont want to bother her or mess with her life any more then she feels I already have. She emails me she misses me and still uses that word, the one that had always held for me the love truly felt. For everything about her has become a mystery. I feel I am forced to walk this earth with a piece of my soul forever missing. I guess I deserve this, and really it doesnt matter whether I do or not, I feel I have sealed my fate. What I said, the promises I made, I am true to myself. Those feelings and words were true, even if im the only one who believed in them. The life I live now is one of fear and punishment, mental more than physical which I feel makes me the weak one, perhaps I deserve it. I would let myself get off with nothing less with the guilt and pain I feel now.

Why cant we all just be honest?

2009-06-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

As I went through my old emails on an account I rarely ever check, there were a bunch of emails in there from ed. I guess not a bunch, like 3... Two of them nice and one of them typical him. I dont know what the situation was but he was obviously very upset and I think we had broken up and he was talking about how he couldnt stop crying and how he loved me so much. Reading that and the others I realized how little had changed and at the same time how much has changed. I was going to post the emails, just to give a better idea of what he is like, I may still.

This whole situation, the last few years really, have taken a huge toll on me. I feel so desperate and trapped right now. I really have no one to turn too, E will be gone soon if he hasnt left already... mixed feelings on that. Ed is really a constant stress, I feel like im on eggshells around him. I need to get on me feet and learn to be more comfortable with myself. Im in a tail spin right now and its really scary. Good example... right now, bottle of patron, great chaser so I cant taste it and the great green god has smiled upon me... bad combo and thank god for spell check.

Smoked way to many cigarettes this morning and ended up puking, thats it for smokes for a while. It seems like smoking cigarettes is involved in my restless legs too, I become more aware of it when im not smoking. Dont have a problem with any other type of smoking though, thank above. I dont know if I really would be able to function without it. I wouldnt eat, Id have trouble sleeping, my anxiety would be through the roof, and it helps my legs. I think thats part of what makes it so difficult when Ed is around, I cant smoke around him and its very stressful trying to sneak it in around times he is gone. As long as I have to be here I have to obey his rules, as much as even typing that makes me want to puke. I really see the manipulative commandeering nature when I take a step back, like reading those old emails it crazy some of the mean things he said... I guess ill put it in and edit for others privacy

"It's because I love you so deeply I writing to you now.If you remember what you wrote or said the month before that had us both so upset it is a repeat of this event. It is a pattern that I'm afraid Is one that you have been through before. I said get some help I'm telling you why. **** is a poor sole that is caught in the you trap of loving you and being with you and getting nothing in return except the occasional hug you give her. That what you had in store for me.You can't handle love like I have for you so you will destroy it. I'm afraid you will just move on to do the same to someone else. It will never get better for you until you get help. Please don't take this wrong I'm doing it and crying at the same time as I only want you to be happy.I felt because of my life experiences I was the man that could help you with all your issues by always reassuring you of love like someone younger wouldn't;t be able to do through your cruel behavior but I just made it worse ran faster. Nell thank you for the good things you did for me and you know what they were. I will love you for ever Ed"

Then this is from about a month before....

"I'm going to bed early in simpathy with you. Nel. Nell. Nel. When we are
together we need to be together I want you to sleep but I want you next to me.
You need someone to show you your beauty. Wrong I know everyone you meet loves
you. I'm going to cry all night I'm so weepy now. My heart is breaking. I'm so
sad without you. Sleep tight my love remember I'm there for you"

and this

"I was more upset today then I've been in 100 years. I m a tough guy with most
everthing but not with you."

and finally

"I just walked out to the pool area. I'm so lonely here in our get away without
you I can stop crying Nel I'm a mess. Tears are running down my face. I love
you"

As time has gone by his emotions are not nearly as strong and it could be that ive thrown it in his face so many time he has resolved not to let them show anymore. I dont know that I care anymore. I want to survive and thats the mind set I have when Im not wishing I were on another chemical plane of reality.

A quarter or more into the bottle of patron.. thats was a little while ago, now more like half gone and on a green stick. This wont be an interesting night, Im sure I will just pass out. Again I refer to the comment about this being a dangerous situation for me. I need to motivated toward something, school is my main goal right now. Laughable considering the state im in now.

Some how I know im never going to get over this period in my life. Ive contemplated alot of things in this time, fear is the thing that holds me back in any decision I make. I truly feel I have nothing to live for anymore. Lindsy will be ok, she is much stronger than me, they both are. Lo obviously has no need for me and Ed will be fine. If no one needs me, I would just rather be where I belong.. with my parents. I miss them, I need them. Maybe im just not cut out for the world, I dont want to spend my life suffering. I cant shake the feeling that thats where I will end up, my destiny if you will. My heart is gone, what else is left?

Day and Night

2009-06-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

Things are at somewhat of a standstill, with everything. Im finally away from all the sub, never going back there. Things have happened with Eds work, the company was sold and Ed is basically reduced to a consult to keep the important accounts that he has such rapport with, that they will likely find other options if he isnt part of the working relationship with the new company. One of the 3rd largest in the US. It is acknowledging without acknowledging that he is an asset to the company but without really giving him anything and taking his job and making it seem much less important,,, yet they want 100% account retention that basically rests on him and depends on whether he really gets the 2nd year of the contract. Its really messed up, I feel bad that a 30+ year career has come down this. Everything gone in the course of one conversation. No more responsibility like before, suddenly everything is new and alot depends on understanding that new role and mastering it before you really know what it is. That being said, thats what you get for making your entire life your work, when its gone, you are left holding onto strings and everything you sacrificed to get to where you were is still gone... youre not left with much. Everyone deals differently, some reinvent themselves, others cant take it. Im not sure where Ed falls but im leaning towards him reinventing himself... Unfortunetly its not just the work area of his life that needs revamping. We hardly talk anymore, its a relief while at the same time being a source of anxiety.

I need to get my shit together and get myself into a situation that im truly happy in. I truly miss Lo but if I really stop to think about it, im not sure what it is im missing. Im not sure if its the company, a true love, a soul mate, a best friend, a romantic notion of true love in my head? I know that I will base every person I ever come into a relationship with on her. At the same time she turned out to be everything that scared me and like the devil is somewhat of a fallen angel in my head and heart now. Everything she said she did the opposite of and in the end took the only thing sacred to me, trust, I trusted her implicitly and she knew that and counted on it in the end. She was the only one I have ever truly trusted and perhaps that is where my true lonliness comes from, not trusting anyone is being on your own, whether you are surrounded or not.

Ill never return to the path I just came from, the damage ive caused to others and the consequences thereof have been felt and are done. I wont further damage myself by playing with fire, but ive learned there is more than one way to light a fire and I need to be careful with matches as much as the fire they create. It seems like every turn I make right now has negativity attached to get by. Its a viscious cycle I really want to break. I should know by now how quickly something can turn on you, ive found that to be true with anything, people, pets, meds, drink, food... best friends, those who say they love you more than anything in the world, more than their life. Let me just say on that, I ve heard that more than once and yet still, here I am alone.... Ive made my mistakes, its hard for me to accept love will not forgive them all..

30-60 Days...

2009-05-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, so now having been through the worst year of my life and on somewhat of a continuum from mediocre to worst still as a daily measure now. I thought that I made a life changing decision when I decided to get on the Sub, no other method worked for me. Not that I tried anything other than trying myself but still, I tried many ways myself. I have no desire to do anything I was doing before but im finding out now that even with a slow taper and going all the way down to crumbs... Im going to go through hell for at least a month to two months. Now I knew that there would be WDs with the sub and that was one of my reasonings for not going on it right away when I first heard of it...

As time went on, and at the same time it became apparent as I was losing everything that nothing was working as far as getting off, I still never really thought about going on it. Knowing what the WDs were for what I was already going through were enough to scare me away from just substituting. I finally heard of someone who had a habit close to me that took the sub for a week to get away from the other chain and was able to quit with no problem. Still not having really done alot of my own research I didnt really give any thought to the problem of RIDICULOUSLY LONG HALF LIFE. The combination of knowing someone who was able to jump off with no problem and knowing that this was my final chance for a lot of things, most importantly saving some shred of dignity (not sure I have accomplished that) I finally called the doc an made the appt as you know from previous posts. Now after having done alot more reasearch I realize that this could have been an even bigger mistake and now, when I really have no support as far as anyone being around or really having anyone to talk to, this may be the worst part of this horrific trip i've been on.

I planned right away to do less than what the doc prescribed and pretty much taper after a week. Still not fully comprehending how long the half life was, never actually having heard anyone give an exact number or range. I planned for only a week and ended up being on it for more like a week and a half to two weeks. I jumped off at I think a quarter of the 8mg so like 2 mg... I had no problem it seemed, I was still on the klonopin prescribed by the same doc. Also the greens.. thats it. The first few days were ok and then it seemed looking back that I just started to lose a little more energy and gain a little more restlessness every day. One day I was on the roof deck with a smoke and as I walked back into the house I realized I forgot something out where I was sitting. Literally I didn't think I would have the energy to walk back out to get it. I did due to the possibility of inclement weather, which is always a possibility here, but it took a ton of effort. By the time I got downstairs I crashed on the couch and felt like I couldn't breathe, giving myself a little panic attack. It passed eventually but that general feeling of exhaustion was always there and seemed to be getting worse. My anxiety was getting worse at the same time and being on my own that alone was/is terrifying. Sleep was difficult, I started taking advil PM but thought the antihistamine was messing with my legs which seemed to be getting worse. They generally ached and had that vaguely restless feeling that I have felt much worse but know so well. Not to mention depression and total lack of motivation, most likely related to my inability to sleep or get off the couch. If I had someone here a lot of things would be helped like the anxiety and depression and I would be forced to get off the couch (shred of dignity thing). Being completely isolated is definetly not a good idea when attempting a WD from anything or thereafter for that matter. Having some kind of constant support physically around, at least through the first 30-60 days I think is essential for moral support and general help when you cant pick yourself up off the floor. Not that its realistic just what I think is very important, personally.

Back to my point, if I have one.. So finally got to the no sleeping point and that too im sure contributed to the exhaustion. I was probably at two weeks at this point and then realized it may be the sub... I took a quarter and my hunch was right. My legs quieted down completely, the anxiety abated, I actually had some energy and motivation to get something important done. Most importantly, I was able to sleep with relative ease. I still didnt really attribute anything to sub WD, I thought I just stopped to soon and didnt give myself enough time to cleanse myself. Little did I know it was the opposite and it was the sub that stayed there forever.

Anyway this led me to do research about people getting off sub in earnst and thats when I learned of the ridiculous half life and the likliehood I had progressively felt like crap. Sub can stay in your system for up to 11 days and while you are WD during that period you really dont start a complete WD until possibly up till 11 days. That being said there are factors that lengthen or shorten that period and possibly severity of WD. Most of what I am reading about these incredibly long WD periods is from long time users, like two years or more. There is very little on those who were on sub for short periods. Plus there is a difference between suboxone and subutex that im sure makes a difference in time period too. I dont know if im on the good or bad side of that. Everyone had symptoms similar to mine and im sure would have only gotten more similar had I not reset that clock. So even though I was only on it for a limited amount of time, I know this is going to be a rotten WD. Im hoping that because I know what im going through this time and I was on it for such a short period of time, I will only have a couple weeks of hell before I start to feel better. From what I experienced and have experienced the WD is still nowhere near as bad as it could have been with the other, it just lasts forever. Im not sure whats worse now, the short period of severe hell I would have been in stopping the other or what im going through now with this. At least I knew what to expect for the most part with the other, this comes and goes after an acute period for who knows how long. Every individual is truly different with this, whereas most people know the length of time for the worst and be able to measure feeling better in days and not weeks like I am reading about sub. A week seems like an eternity, especially alone and having nothing going on, I cant imagine measuring 5-10% increments of feeling better by weeks and not days. Thats just one persons estimate and story but I like to prepare for the worst if I can so im just gonna take it as the baseline.

The worst part is that the stigma for me is still attached even with the sub which was another reason for jumping off so soon. What seemed like the solution, seems to me, and echoed by many others, may have just put off the solution. So I can only hope that I will be on the shorter and less severe end of this and do what I can to ease what I can. Im just waiting for the worst to start, probably not the best mindset but knowing how long this can take I know there is worse to come. I just want to come through this... I just want an end to this hell that has been my life for the last 1.5 years and generally the anxious depressed person ive been for the last 4 years.

"So sick and tired of being sick and tired"

2009-05-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

Candle (sick and tired) by White Tie Affair... This is a perfect song for me right now.

I feel like Im being swallowed in by myself, im losing myself to the quiet and shame and sadness and inability to really wrap my head around anything right now except those feelings... I feel selfish in that I turn become lost in myself and shut everyone out, the isolation I feel on the inside becomes my hell on the outside. I cant help it, ive spent so much of my life doing it. I cant reach out, I feel so frozen and unsure. Where did I lose my confidence? I can pretend for only so long before I feel the anxiety and sadness grip me.

I havent talked to my family, im pretty sure my grandmother has disowned me for not calling in a couple months, I just cant face talking to her. It sounds crazy but the longer I didn't call her the harder it got to to call and when I called on her birthday she was very short and it was clear she was pissed. That kind of rejection right now is just more than I can handle.

LOL, I am listening to a Pitbull song thinking of a cheerleading routine to it. I hate cheerleading and it in no way is appropriate for the song. Sorry thats the greens talking.

At least I still have moments of humor I guess I have that to be thankful for... good note to end on. I need to start writing more often, Im suprised ive had the focus for the last few posts. I hope that is a sign of a general upward trend.... we'll see.

Seriously?!

2009-05-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Ugh... I feel like I've had it. Im struggling from day to day, hour to hour. Im so alone and this is really a time that I have needed support the most. I hate this feeling of never knowing when its going to end, having really no one to talk to about it or anything else for that matter and feeling so paralyzed with anxiety and depression. I need to get a job, I know that will help, but it could also hurt and the anxiety of the process of getting a job seems daunting. I need to be in a laid back place, make at least enough to save a bit and have understanding bosses. It would really really help if it was at least half way interesting too. I know thats going out on a limb but if im going to succeed I know at least part of the recipe.

Of course if I could focus for any length of time, that would be great too. I cant take my adderall for two reasons right now... soon to be three. First, not sure how it will interact with subutex and I dont want to put myself through a day of possible panic and hee bee jee bees in my legs to find out. Second, I have no insurance and the script is obviously very expensive... which brings me too my third soon to be reason. I only have one script in the pharmacy and I stopped seeing that doc when I went to MI to try to get clean. When I came back he didnt return the phone calls. I guess 4 months was a bit long for him to wait on a patient? Now I have to find a doc that isnt going to hassle me about prescribing the klonopin or adderall and if he would throw in a litle bit of xanax for breakthrough panic and not sleeping, that would be nice too... Luckily the sub doc is prescribing klonopin
and im just not filling the extra sub scripts so I have a little bit of time to find a psychiatrist that will treat... I was thinking about going back on the triavil because it worked so well for me before, but again, afraid of it interacting with any sub or sub withdrawals. Wouldnt hurt to have an appetite again either since that will help replenish and stock essentials for my brain to start getting back into some sort of normal chemical pattern, which I hope is still possible.

I hope im doing this the right way, there is a long list of things that still need to happen before I will really consider myself "living" i.e. friends, job, good relationship etc but there are alot of little things within myself that have to happen too before those big things are possible. Being able to make it through the day, go to bed at night, sleep through too the morning and wake up without feeling like crap is a good place to start. Obviously I will have to multi-task and work on the job and all the other stuff at the same time.

I just would like maybe a weekend of relief. Of feeling happy, of being able to just drift asleep when I want too, of not knowing any anxiety and everything being alright with the world, having someone that I love and truly enjoy to talk to and do just about anything with, there to bask in the glow of not having a worry for once.

I just need a break.

The End

2009-04-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

Such mixed emotions, I am finally free from that devil on my shoulder and yet now I have to face the fact that im left with nothing. Ive lost my best friend, I am on my own and dont even know where to start. I guess I could look at it as a new lease on life but right now I know I still have alot of healing to do. Ive done this with no support and I know its made me a stronger and smarter person, I just wish I had someone to share that with. I've had a tough time with being alone all the time and the only human voices i've heard in almost a week are on the TV. I've takin to talkin to the cats. I don't know when I've ever been this alone, im trying to take what solace I can from what I have accomplished but its hard when the harshness of reality sets in. Im not meant to be alone like this, some people like to be alone and dont get me wrong I like my solace but I feel like im going crazy here. Any friends I have, are at least an hour away and its just as sad when I have to leave.

I know time will heal a lot but right now it hurts like hell to be in this situation, and i've never been one for patience. I need to find a good support system and try to find my true friends in life. It sucks to learn things the hard way but once you've learned the lesson all you have to do is go to bed and wake up and let the time pass hopefully healing a little bit everyday. Thats what im trying to do, I just want to get as much time between me and this situation as possible. I have a lot of choices to make and deciding to pry this devil off me was just the beginning in what I have a feeling is going to be a line of decisions that may or may not determine the course of my life, then again I guess every decision plays a part in what the course of the rest of your life will be. I've made a long string of bad decisions and im hoping that is the end of that streak and I can start getting some good Karma back.

The Beginning

2009-04-16T08:40:00.001-07:00

Well finally being at the end of my rope, which I thought I was at before, I finally made an appt and went the 12 hours without and am now almost 3 days without that devil on my shoulder. In the process... I have lost nearly everything. I cant believe the end to this nightmare is almost here. I have lost so much but at the same time I have to say I learned alot about myself... Though it was a very tough lesson to learn and I obviously needed a blatant wake up call.

Lo packed all her stuff, mostly behind my back. One day it occurred to me that she moved out right in front of me and yet I barely saw it or comprehended it. I looked around and sure enough only the bare essentials were left. It all happened to so suddenly, though probably not for her. She was very secretive about it and never said a word. I slid back again and she couldnt take it anymore. The heart wrenching gut sickness I felt was enough to make me schedule and appt with the doc for the next day. It was not nearly as bad as I thought, I had taken xanax to help me be somewhat relaxed or at least tired when I went in. This proved to be a good strategy, though I was afraid I hadnt spent enough time without I had gone 12 hours and they only required 8. I had smoked also the night before and the combo of xanax and smoke were helping the mild symptoms I was feeling so even though I waited enough time in between seeing the doc and my last dose, I wasnt as sick as I could have been.

I had run out of my klonopin almost a week ago and thank god Dr. S prescribed that in combination with the other so that takes care of that other discomfort. Ive been doing really well so far and this is day 3 so I would think it will only start to get better from here. I know they recimmend at least 6 weeks but I really want to be off it in 2 weeks tops. I know the statistics but I also know my luck with tapering off something else that can be addictive. I dont want to hit that point. Im not worried about ever going back to this devil again. It took so much to get here and it was a painful and expensive process, there is no way im going back.

Will keep an update on progress

My Poem

2009-03-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

I wonder do you feel as lonely as I do?

Does your heart beat in time with the rythum of mine
Do you feel as I do when ours hands entertwine?

I miss your touch, the fun we had
How can I sit here and feel so sad

The tears that fall hold so much sorrow,
Neither or us know the amount of tommorows

I feel it should rain and never stop,
Too match the pain thats in my heart.

Sleepless nights and mindless days,
feeling hurt in so many ways.
So much to say, so much left unspoken,
So much trust that was so easily broken,
you took my heart and broke it wide open.

All those times I fought for you,
so much you said that was untrue, guess im just annoying and not worth it to you.
You've said it so much why should I be suprised,
you never needed to say it when I could see it in your eyes.

I cry so much, not that you care,
you say you cry but mostly just stare.
You say you hurt so much but I just don;t see it,
I think you feel more like that song, just beat it.

All the times you're so hurtful and try and pass it off on me,
seems like an excuse fir what youre really starting to see.

Your calls mean nothing, I can already hear the sarcasm on rhe other end,
I know how you are, you dont break and you never bend.

I sit and I wonder what i've done thats so wrong, but I know it doesnt matter cause to you i've always been wrong.
One of the worst mistakes you've made in your life, I can almost garuntee you won't make this mistake twice.

Just anoother stupid girl, who doesnt see it your way.
Just another stupid girl that for you is just another stupid, wasted day.

No matter the hurt, I know you don't care,
just lay it on me and pretend that its fair.

Dont look at my phone or the messages you leave, so I can be hurt and you can be pleased.
What does it matter, you dont think I care, dont think I hurt, and donr see rhe tears.

Its been a couple years and all I do is suffer, im never right and you'd rather I suffer.
Im always so wrong and I should put up with it, as it is the pain I feel, its what I self inflict.

Over The Line

2009-02-23T19:51:00.000-08:00

So I went to G's house to work on the survey thing for E's job, he decided that he was going to call G and find out what else needed to be done and what the next steps were. G said he didn't know when the next meeting was going to be taking place. G assumed that he was talking about the three of us, him and Sherri and I. So he said he didn't know, that nothing was planned and didn't mention the fact that I was coming down there or actually at the time, was on my way there. So E read into that and decided that I was lying to him. He called me and said that he was "chewing the fat" with G and that G never mentioned me coming down there or working on anything that had to do with the project. He said that it wasn't a good idea to be lying to him and that I set the ground rules or some sh*t like that. I was pissed that he would involve my friends in order for him to check on me.
So I went about my business, G, his roommate and I went to lunch, then to publix then we went back to his condo and started to work on the surveys. We went to a site aimed at designing surveys and started working on putting the survey together, had a little help from a survey that Barry was already doing on their food service. G wanted me to stay and said that I needed to relax but I already knew that E was going to be pissed because the last contact we had was the phone call about not lying to him. I finally extricated myself from the house and started for home.
When I got home, E was not home and I just changed into something more comfortable and turned on the TV. I'm not sure how much later he came home but when he did I could tell right away that something was not right. I went to go talk to him, saying his name as I went and he suddenly turned around and flipped out on me. He was saying that I was a liar and calling me every name in the book in the process, he proceeded to grab my throat, I guess to make his point better and get right in my face saying that I needed to get out of his house now. He pushed me face in a half smack, half punch and grabbed my throat at least two more times. He was absolutely crazy, I couldn't even believe he put his hands on me much less trying to ring my neck. I was in shock and couldn't do much to defend myself seeing as how he refused to believe me and was convinced that I could get anyone I could use as proof to lie to him and just tell him that i was there. I couldn't even get out of him what it was that I was supposedly lying about. He just kept saying I was a lying b*tch and whatever other names he could possibly say and getting in my face. He pushed me around a little bit after the choking and face hit. By that time though I was getting so angry I couldn't see straight. I couldn't believe this was happening and I really did absolutely nothing wrong. The one man I was suppose to trust in my life had just shattered that all to hell. Especially after the last couple weeks and the fights we had and the promises of not ever getting verbally abusive again. I should have known, especially with my background in psychology that eventually it would escalate and that he would never be able to change that many years of obviously getting what he wanted by acting like that.
Finally he said that I was lying about going to G's and that really I went to spend the day with Lo. Lo was in Orlando visiting with her new girlfriend K and had no idea what was going on. I couldn't believe that was what the whole thing was about, and there wasn't even any proof, only the fact that G didn't say that I was coming down there to work on the survey that day. When I first talked to him on the phone when he said it was a bad idea to lie to him, I thought he was pissed because he didn't think I was going there to work on the survey and that I was just going there to get away from him. I call G because I didn't know who else to call and he couldn't believe that this was happening. He told his roommate what happened then told me that I needed to get out of the house and call the cops and let them handle it. I don't know why I didn't, I guess because that's what E said to do too and I was thinking that he was going to be able to turn it around on me somehow. I hardly did any damage to him considering the size difference but I pushed him around too after he was done pushing me around. Mainly because i was so angry at what was going on. I tried calling Lo in the meantime but she didn't answer the phone. I spent a lot of time after that trying to convince him that I wasn't lying and that I was where I said I was, doing what I said I went there to do. He refused to accept anything I said and was acting completely irrationally. Insisting we were completely over and that he wasn't going to let anyone play him like he was stupid or take advantage of him like that. I didn't even know what to say, what could I say? I didn't do anything wrong and he didn't want any proof of that, not that he would have accepted it anyway.
It was a pretty vicious night I kept telling him how ridiculous it all was that he had no proof I did anything wrong and that his logic didn't even make sense. He seemed to calm down finally and though it had nothing to do with me and he was still convinced I was lying and still acting like he hated me it was at least better then the violence from before. Im sure by that time the alcohol was making him tired. He was going to leave and get coffee earlier but I took his glasses because I was so p*ssed at him so eventually he gave up and got ready for bed and turned off the light and got in bed telling me to leave him alone and go watch TV or something. I was done arguing with him and he obviously wasn't going to listen to anything I had enough of the whole fighting yelling and defending myself when it obviously wasn't working. Finally I left the stupid glasses and just walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me.
Eventually Lo came home and she took pictures of all the marks and the cut on my throat the chain I had been wearing left from him squuezing my neck so hard. We stayed up for awhile talking about everything and then got tired and we decided to go to bed. E came out not to long after and said something about going to sleep with my girlfriend so I went back in the room and started yelling at him and telling him what a piece of sh*t he was and how nothing made sense and I pointed out all the wrong things he had done to people and the life's he had messed up, how he wasn't even a real man because he had to hide behind his attitude and now his physical abuse. I just brought up anything and everything to make him feel as crappy as I did. I turned the room light on and told him there was no way he was getting any sleep tonight, I poured a little bit of water on his head to make my point. To my surprise the whole time I was bashing him he didn't say anything, he pretty much just listened, or pretended to anyway. Finally he said something that made me really upset and I dumped the whole bottle of water on his head and walked out of the room. He was getting up and changing when I walked out of the room and I just came out to the living room and just laid on the couch. After awhile E came out to the living room where I awake but suppose to be sleeping. He came out and asked if I was sleeping out there, I said this is where you told me to sleep. Finally he said come on, I really didn't know how to respond so I just grabbed my pillow and went into the bedroom. He was like a totally different person again, like he could not believe what he had done, I hardly knew what to say myself. He was almost acting like nothing had happened. It could have been the bottle of water i poured on his head. Im surprised he didn't flip out on me then. So I went in and asked what the hell happened and he just said he couldnt sleep without me. I ended up falling asleep and the next day he was apologetic and upset, brought me a card and flowers, saying if what I said was true he was completely in the wrong, to which I said he was completely in the wrong anyway. So that pretty much brings us to where we are now, he is upset about it, he says, but is not nearly as remorseful as I think he should be. Its only been a couple days, so I guess I will have to wait and see what happens. I know I shouldn't even be waiting, I should just take this as a big sign that things are never going to change and leave.

Its definitely given me a whole new perspective on abused women and why it is they stay with their abuser even though the obvious solution is to leave... I feel stupid for being in the situation when I used to criticize those in the same position im in now for not leaving... Completely different when the shoe is on the other foot.

Recovering?

2009-02-20T15:36:00.000-08:00

Since ive gotten back to WPB things have gotten better rather than worse like I thought. I finally stood up to E and told him his bullsh*t was just that, bullsh*t. I was sick of it and really what it boiled down to was emotional abuse. I finally called his bluff, something I should have done a long time ago but never got the guts to do so. I guess losing everything will give you a new perspective on things and a lack of fear in losing anything else. I was standoffish the whole time he was here and even though we still slept in the same bed there was nothing there but sleeping and I was fine with that. I stayed up late to watch TV or mess around on the computer, whatever I could but go to bed. I dont sleep well anyway so its not a stretch for me to stay up and out of the room. Lo helped me move the TV out of my room, actually turning the living room into a living room. This is actually the first time since the furniture was bought that ive actually used it. I brought the table down from upstairs and a side table to put my laptop on. Later I brought out another table/stand with a drawer and empty middle out from the sunroom so I could put my speaker system for the laptop and other random stuff on and in it. Its turned into a nice little space and its out of the bedroom which makes it a great little space. Ive been sleeping on the couch since he left and I sleep better out here then I ever have in there. Im up later but really the only reason is because I feel like im not going to get sh*t for it. I would stay up that late on the regular if I could but I feel like im going to get in trouble if im not in bed by a certain time. I guess I just sleep out here because its convienent. Ive been so tired lately so I could fall asleep around 11 and probably stay asleep all night but with Lo coming home late I tend to wake up then and stay up for a little while before passing out again. I dont sleep any later than 10, 1030 at the latest even though I usually dont go to sleep until around 2 or so.
He is coming back tonight, I am really not looking forward to it and I just hope it doesnt through off any progress ive made so far. The blue devil, ever present has at least been at a consistent level and im making that move to bring it down more. I cant believe ive managed to quit everything except that. Im still on the klonopin, which is prescribed and ive been on for a few years now but thats it. Trees are definetely something I never thought I would be able to quit and that seems like a breeze compared to this. Then again there isnt any physical pain or discomfort from quiting that, unless you count the lack of appetite. Thats going to be a problem once I start taking my adderall again too, Im going to have to do something to eat or ill be way to thin again before I know it. I need to start taking my adderall again. Even though I have health insurance though, it isnt great and it will still be a very expensive script. Its hard to cover that and the blue devils. Im not getting anything done though and I need to get moving before I get back into the same pattern I was in before I left here. I am doing some work for E's company, just some survey stuff to help them get a foot in at Barry for food service. Im really more of a "middle man" so they can get to a friend of mine who is still working on the campus and an alumni. I dont really think there is a large potential to make any money there, but I suppose anything is experience and that cant hurt.
Garrett texted me tonight and asked what I was doing later or tomm, it would be nice to just get away from here. I guess I can get away with that seeing as how we are suppose to be working on this project together. I told him about Lo and K and he seemed a little surprised but thought that she would be good for her. I guess so but I think for the wrong reasons. He said because she is mothering like, a very good insight considering the way her mother is. I always thought she was very cold and treated Lo like more of a student then her child but I can see where Lo gets very impatient with her mother and can be frustrating too. Too her credit she has relaxed alot in her old age and seems more caring then I have seen her in the whole time that I have known Lo. Not a good reason to be with someone and can lead to disaster... I know that firsthand with what I have been through with E. Not a good place to be for sure and easy to get caught up in. Its difficult to be in a relationship where someone else has an upper hand age wise. Its easy to feel like you are being scolded and you are doing something wrong, like a kid hence the problem with age difference thing. If they have been talking a lot, I haven't noticed it. Whenever she is texting or talking to someone, she always says its someone else. I never ask but she offers it up which is what makes me think she isnt telling the truth.
An old friend from college, one of my best friends emailed me back yesterday too and said that she was here for me and we could meet up and talk, ended it with love you and miss you. I thought that was strange just because of the type of relationship we had and the lack of relationship we have had for so long. I can remember staying up all night talking about anything and everything when we were in school. She knows nothing about whats going on and only knows about E, which sruprised her and she is one of the few people, friend wise, that do know about it. Im surprised it never really changed her opinion about me, or if it did she never let on to it and she certainly isnt letting it effect her now. Either way I need to get as much support around me as I can, no matter whats gonna happen and just in case.

He will be here soon and already im anxious about it. I know I gotta be strong about this again for this next few days. Im not going to let it get me down again.

Sticks and Stones

2009-02-08T15:27:00.000-08:00

Its been a tough road since my last post. I let my life be taken over by the sh*t that I knew was going to be a battle for me. It finally got to the point where I went down to three a day and even got down to 1 3/4 a day. Considering a couple weeks before that I was ten a day I made a huge jump. Then it kept going up whenever E came home. Eventually I tried even having him stay away for a couple weeks just so that I could try to get off without the potential trauma or fighting. We agreed not to talk for a couple weeks because things had gotten really hard for us, especially with these blue fairys in the way. In the end, that didnt work either and I just kept getting thinner and thinner, not eating and barely drinking and working myself to the point that eventually is was in my room all the time. Finally decided what I needed to do was come home to get away and try to get off. Lo sent me packages so that I could try to ween off and I went to my sisters to try and do it cause it was quieter and no drama. Then a friend of hers came up from Georgia with baby daddy drama, as my sister puts it, and it was all over from there, between her drama and her annoying ass kid, I wasnt able to come back down. I finally decided id been up here long enough and it was time to go home. Within days of me getting ready to go home I get the shock of my life. I had felt that Lo and I had grown apart in the last few days especially and I brought it up, she said is was nothing just missing me so much and working alot on top of that.
Ive finally lost all I have in this not so long battle with the devil on my shoulder. It has taken all that is important to me and now finally the person I love most in the world.
Ive always drempt about things happening and when I remember them so clearly they usually end up happening. I used to have these dreams in college about Lo leaving me. It was so much more practical then because it was a relationship we had just started but I was always reassured and eventually as time went on it became an impossible thought as i listened to all the times that I will never leave you were said, that I couldnt do anything that would drive Lo away. We've been through hell together and always said if we could go through the things we have gone through, we could make it through anything. Apparently thats not the case.
I'd been feeling sick and anxious for the last five days or so had a few nightmares and hadnt been sleeping well at all. I remembered all the nightmares very clearly, and especially the last. I had a dream once again that Lo had left me, it was a strange dream but one with a clear point. I told her about the dream and she said wow that is a weird dream. Fast forward a couple days and I just feel like something is wrong. It was late at night and I couldnt get ahold of her, I was flipping out worrying that she didnt make it home from work safely or something crazy had happened. Then I finally asked her the question I thought would have an obvious answer... Is there someone else, she says no but someone has expressed interest. That didnt even really throw me off, then I started wondering who it was and she didnt want to tell me, saying that it didnt matter. I made two guesses and I was right on the last which blew me away, it was a friend of ours, someone we had gone to college with someone who lived in Orlando. Then she went on to say she wasnt sure she wanted to be with me anymore, which freaked me out, because even though we havent been together for the last 6 years, we have still had a closer than close relationship. I couldnt and still cant believe she was basically saying she didnt want to be with me anymore, which obviously meant have the same type of relationship anymore. She really doesnt even want to live with me anymore, even though she says she still wants to be best friends and she still loves me and that she will see me through this blue devil issue, which by the way has sky-rocketed with everything that has gone on.
Then comes E and I tell him im sick of the in and out, that it hurts so much when he leaves because I do love him, I just dont know where he falls with everything else. He says that I need to be strong and that I wont be alone as much as I think because he is going to unravel things quickly and try to be in FL. For a few days we had been talking about it and we both had our turns sobbing over the phone. I didnt know how I was gonna juggle him not being there and Retta not wanting to be there. So my sis starts talking to E and telling him that I just cant deal with the in and out and that he needs to give me some time to get on my feet before he starts doing that to me again. He ended up getting pissed because she mentioned me talking to Lo and I had already told him when he said that i wouldnt be alone that Lo was leaving and that i was going to be alone. Something my sister said just made that change and made him think it was about her. Which really made no sense because then I would just take the ways out he has given me. He offered to put me up in an apt so i could get back on my feet and figure shit out. I never really talked to him, she did and then I had to practically beg for him to call me since I need to pay my cell bill and couldnt just call him. He has made all kinds of threats, told her that I was NOT coming home and then wanted me to move my flight from tomm to next week when he would be gone so that I could go back and figure shit out with Lo. Ive been up here long enough though and being up here def hasnt helped my situation with Lo. I just know I cant stay away and try to deal with things up here, its easy to hang up a phone or not even answer and you can always sign off or not sign in, or just put up an away message and ignore IMs. If I had agreed to wait he would have just used that against me too, so really it was a no win as far as pissing him off.

E tried telling me I wouldnt get in that house, that he would have it locked down before I ever got near it but first of all he thought my flight was a day later and second he doesnt know that the door handle on our bedroom door was changed a long time ago and im the only one with keys, to both the door and the deadbolt. I told him by law he cant keep me out because after two weeks, whether I pay or not im considered a tenant and he has to go through land lord court to get me evicted and even then I would have 30 days. On top of that, if we got in a fight and Lo were to lets say call the police, they would make him leave because in domestic disputes, its the man they make leave the house. He said fine ill see your dead ass in court and by the time im done, you wont live anywhere in FL. I dont know who he thinks he has pull with but really I think he is kidding himself. He tried saying no sheriff in Florida would come near that house. What a joke. Apparently he isnt realizing how much damage I could do to him. I could call his wife, I could call his job and all his accounts and tell them they should question the integrity of someone who makes threats like that and is dating someone 30 years his junior when he has been married for as long. There is just so much I could do that its not even funny, i think its him who doesnt know who hes messing with.

When I finally talked to him tonight I thought i had gotten through to him about loving him and it not being about Lo, he said I love you whatever. Then when he said goodnight, he was like goodnight buddy, then next IM was I do love you travel well and asking if i had a working phone, but by the time he was on his last text it was when you land use your girlfriends phone and call me. He knew it would get under my skin, just as much as the goodnight buddy did.

So thats where im left, with no idea what tommorow will bring and no idea where I will be sleeping tommorrow night. Im at a scary point in life and unfortunetly all I can do is take it as it comes and deal with it from there. Nothing is a garuntee, not even the person I thought would always be there for me. Ive been completely knocked down and all I can do is react to things, im trying to be as proactive as possible but theres not much I can do when its his house and I only have so much money to my name, I doubt he will be giving me anymore. Ive emailed my two closest friends over the years, besides Lo and all I can hope for is there support and help as well. I already talked to Erik and he said he would be there for me over the rocky times, so at least I have one person... I will try to post an update as soon as I can. Its an hour and 45 min before I have to get up for my early ass flight so its off to try to get some sleep. At least being so emotionally exhausted ive been able to do some of that. I passed out earlier knowing I need to pack and get ready and I still cant take everything... Oh well. Im losing everything, why not some material sh*t too.

Gotta Get Away

2008-10-17T21:58:00.001-07:00

I gotta get out of here, this place has nearly ruined my life. I dont know what im going to do or where im going to go, I just know I need to go. I cant get off this blue sh*t and no matter how hard I try and im constantly running out of everything else so its impossible to regulate it. I cant borrow the money and Ive got nothing left except my laptop and my PS2 which are not going. E only eft me $200 this time and has no idea when he will be back. Then Lo get paid $500 and its gone in a day. Yet somehow I only got 10-15 blue fairys and maybe a quarter and a half of the skunkie. If its being hoarded I really dont care because then I know its there and I dont need to worry about the ridiculousness of the fact that $700 was gone through in a day. Just doesnt seem possible to me especially when I dont even have enough to get me through tomm, on anything except what im prescribed. Thats at least 2 withdrawals one of which can be fatal. This has gotten so out of control so quickly, I wish I had never seen the stuff. I was happy with what I was doing and where I was going. Now I dont even know what im doing much less where Im going. Everything has been choas this last 6 months and I just want the whirlwind to end. I want to go back to being able to sleep without a million different things to take at night. I dont want to cry and feel depressed all day and then lay awake all night thinking about how tomm isnt going to be any better and most likely worse. Im really stuck on this $700 thing, nothing got paid, no bills that im aware of and if the stuff I need was the only stuff that it was spent on then it wouldnt be gone within 5 days. How can $700 be gone in five days and im out of everything already. Even if she got half an O at 200 and 20 blue fairys that still would have only been 400, plus perry would have been $520. So unless she is hiding it aware somewhere then there is money missing. Which annoys me a little because I always give her my cash right away, its not like I don't know where its going but coming down to this where I dont have what I really need and there was not nearly enough bought even with the $200 I gave her.... At the very least it should have been a quarter and 10 fairys its only Fri and im out of fairys and no trees and she says shes broke. If she doesnt come through for me tonight I really am going to wonder what the hell is going on. Its one thing to not say what you have and just take care of things, its another thing to not say anything and act like im just going to be SOL. Very rarely does she not come through for me and she is usually still waiting on calls even when she gets home late at night.

If my account werent negative I could just ask Ed to put in like $50. I dont even know when he is coming back and im suppose to have a doc appt Tues which is $60 I dont have. I guess I could have him deposit it into one of the other two banks but both those accounts have both our names on them and the only one I have an ATM card for that he could deposit with is HSBC. I dont know if there are any branches up there though. I guess he could wire directly from his to mine. Not on a Sunday though so I have to make it through tomm. Then I can ask him to put in the cash Monday for the doctors appt Tues. We shall see.

The last post I was still sane

2008-09-30T22:00:00.001-07:00

I've managed to work myself into a corner of the bedroom I hated. The devil that had cornered me into my last post has taken over my life for the last four months, going on five. I pretty much talk to no one and im barely holding onto the two relationships I have. One of which is making this whole situation 10 times worse then it should be and last that much longer as well. Ive gone from ten a day to a night with none and a rather painful and death wishing set of withdrawals from that. That only took half a pill to stop and a quick relization that this was going to be a painful process and one that was going to be very difficult to hide and deal with, not to mention fund. Since the night of hell the lowest ive gotten too is 1.25 pills a day. Im not sure I made it through that day... Ed came back that day and the stress caught me back up into it. Somehow I got back up to 3 pills a day with a few days here and there having a bit more than that. I think ive tried nearly every method except the ones that cost money which basically leaves you with tapering or cold turkeying... if you can afford to continue to support it for the taper, or be strong willed enough to continue the taper without going back up again, hence me going from 1.25 back to 3-4... now im back to 2.5 which is suppose to be 2.25 and was really more like 2.75. I really want off of this roller coaster of feeling like crap and having intermittent periods of time where I feel like it will be over. The mornings are the worst by far. I feel like everyday is just another futile attempt to make it through the day and hopefully come up with the solution. Some times I wake up in the morning and think the worst of it would be over in three days. I could get back on my adderall and get my life back together. Have the desire to do something, anything for that matter.

I've gotta suffer through this and get it over with. Maybe I should just go home for a while and beat this... keeping from being disowned due to lack of contact would be good too.
That is the most important thing to take care of, from there its on to smaller and better problems. At least they dont have physical side effects...unless someone throws something at me.

Helllloo Again, its been a while

2008-05-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

It seems like so much more than a couple months have gone by. The last post I was writing that I accidentally erased would have probably given alot of insight into where I have been over the last few months. Reading over my posts I mentioned nothing of the blue devil I had been starting to dance with. It started innocently enough with pill split in half and shared with a friend. Now im up to almost 8 a day and its gotten out of control. That was only over the course of a couple months. I cut the trip to MI short because I ran out while I was there and couldnt take it. Its pretty much all been down hill from there. I dont even know how I let it get this far, I knew the dangers and yet I still went down the rabbit hole. I thought i was taking a financial hit before just walking through the forest but this is far worse. I need to quit and yet im terrified of what im going to go through now. From everything I have read, quiting is not pretty and you pretty much want to kill yourself. I really do want to quit though, I cant take my adderall because it makes me sick with this stuff so i've pretty much gotten nothing done in the last couple months. I just want my life back on track. Ironically enough I quit doing everything else when I started these, and if I can quit these I dont think i will need to go back to it all.

Lo is supporting me through all of it, from financial to emotionally and she is stressed and getting sick of it too. I dont blame her and as much as I want her here I hate the fact that I am ruining her life. How could she possibly be happy with this? I guess she is mad at me now for telling her that she could leave and I would understand. I would understand, I would be heartbroken but I would understand and her life would be so much better. Just because I dont see it as a possibility for me right now doesnt mean that she shouldnt have it. Yesterday was suppose to be my first day trying to quit or rather tapering. It went well for the first part of the morning or I guess resonably well. Then Lo got her refund check and I kind of fell off the wagon. Today doesnt feel like its going to happen either. I need to taper down and stop, but im finding that even though I really want to its alot easier said then done. I will give it an effort today to stay at my alloted number at least. I know I can do this, I quit smoking cold turkey and I didn't even really want to do that. I just need to have as much faith in myself as Lo has in me. We shall see how the day goes.

Ready to pull my hair out

2008-03-07T17:22:00.001-08:00

So Lo and I are leaving in like four days to go to MI, hopefully we will catch the birth of my god-daughter. We were going to leave on sun night but Ed decided to stay in town for the space shuttle launch and got us security clearence to go up to the press box for launch. Even though im not a huge space fan this is really a rare chance so we are going then i guess continuing on to MI from there. Really not looking forward to another 24 hour drive but i am looking forward to being there. Im not sure yet if im telling any of my family other than Dorrie that im coming in. That just adds a whole nother set of obligations.
Im getting antsy to leave, things with Ed havent been great either and I know that isnt helping. Ive been generally short tempered lately, worse than I normally am which is really bad for me. I know ive taken it out on both Ed and Lo and its not fair to them. Lo is a hell of alot more understanding then Ed on that. After we leave on Tues it will be two weeks before I see Ed again. I think this is a good thing, I need some air and I need to figure out a plan of action for myself. I need to start something or get a job, anything to keep me busy, boredom is avery dangerous thing for me. Ive learned that lesson on more than one occassion recently and it picking me up some bad habits, like i need anymore.

so frustrated

2008-03-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

Soo Ed says he is flying into ft lauderdale last night, i had to be down there with Lo so I suggested that we get drinks or something at this really good Irish place near the airport. He says ok, great. Then this morning he says something about eating off of glades. I said what happened to the Field... he says that Glades is closer to where he needs to go so... Rather than argue I just said ok whatever. So then today I am waiting around to go see him and end up getting coffee with Eric. He lands and texts me that he had a bad flight etc then his next text is hading up now, see you soon. After already being agitated from the day, the doc was his usual helpful self and im just sick of it. Rather than texting something nasty and potentially setting him off I just didnt text him. He called me and acted like I should have known exactly where we were going and what was going on. I kind of went off on him and didnt understand why he couldnt just tell me where he was and how to get there. It just didnt go well and we hardly said two words by the time we left the restuarant. Not only was he not where he said to go but he left the second place he told me to go and went to a third. I dont understand why we didnt just go to the field like i suggested in the first place. He never sticks to what he says he is going to do and it drives me nuts, whether its changing restuarants or saying hes getting something for dinner and comes home with something completely different, or when i ask him to pick something up and he gets whatever he thinks is equivalent or better.

I need to chill or this will be a long week.

Where has all the happieness gone?

2008-03-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

Damn I really hate computers sometimes, this is the second time I had a pretty lengthy post and accidentally hit back or something stupid like that. Once again I dont feel like going over all of it again. Oh well. The point was im miserable and looking for something to help soothe that a bit, regardless of consequences.

The Anorexic insomniac-- Thank you Adderall

2008-02-21T14:34:00.000-08:00

I think its safe to say that my life is out of control at this point. The days have become about surviving not living. I havent been taking the Klonopin or triavil but have done plenty of substitution. I slept today for about 4 hours this afternoon, the only sleep I have gotten in the last three days. I felt like I was waking up from a long dream but somehow im still caught in the lucid dreaming phase. Lo had come back at some point and passed out too, its a good thing I woke up or she would have never gotten up for work. I am pretty much back to the weight I was at right before I got sick. I have been living off a combination of red bull and whatever snack will get me by so I dont throw up when I take the adderall or have my heart racing out of my chest from exertion with no energy. Its not like im hungry and dont eat, im just not hungry. Ed has no idea how bad ive gotten, he hasnt even mentioned how thin ive gotten and I know he can tell, hell Lo can tell and she sees me everyday. From a psychological point of view all this of this behavior and the way im feeling makes sense. I can only think of it in pieces at a time though and even though I feel like im seeing it rationally, im still not acting accordingly. Like my mind is trapped in a body that just wants to escape and its the body acting of its own accord, taking over and medicating my mind. I know how that sounds but its none the less the closest description that fits.
This relationship with Ed is essentially manifesting itself into every the pattern of relationships i've always had with men. Once again I am being let down by the central male in my life and I just let it go. Sometimes I think im crazy and expecting to much from him but at the same time I know im never going to require less so whats the point to settling now? Am I being this self destructive in an effort to get his attention? Its sickening how much this is turning into my childhood all over again, no wonder im so stuck in the past, it just keeps repeating itself. The larger picture too, I am continuing my mothers cycle. I knew somewhere in my heart that this is how it would be all along, the huge irony that is my life. Lindsy and Dorrie were the ones who made it out, they struggled and continue to struggle and thsts made them so much stronger than me. Mom and I were always so close because we are so much alike. Maybe she always knew that and that I was going to be the one that needed the most help in life. Ive been given so much to work with and in a way I have used my past to escape far more than they have. Ive used it as my motivation and now for my demise. Its like I suddenly ran out of steam and started to go in reverse, whatever it was died with mom. Whats the point?? Even after everything she still died, if she couldnt do it what does that say for me?
Its sick to, the family should be so proud of Lindsy and Dorrie, they have gone through so much and they didnt have the same isolations I did. Dorries about to have a baby and Lindsy already does. They have always had more responsibility than I have and they havent done anything close to the BS ive done that I didnt have to do. Maybe all this self destructive behavior is the manifestation of my own self loathing, im trapped in my own hell. I feel like im almost insulated but as much as im insulated from the bad Im also not allowing anything else through, I cant emotionally connect. Its so cliche and im watching it through some window in my mind but its not really happening to me. Im hiding in the haze of all the shit im doing and puting into my body and I know where this is headed. Like I said before, I am merely repeating history. Its such an excuse, I resent myself for it but I know thats the end for me. Ive always known that was that it would be, the tragedy of history repeating itself, its sick but I feel its my destiny and from where I am now I almost take comfort in it. Its this interim, this space of time that I dont know how to fill that is killing me.

I shouldnt be thinking this much in this state of mind. What I really need right now is to mentally and physically recharge. Too bad Ed isnt home until wen, that gives me five more days to float...

"Have you ever had a dream, that you were so sure was real? What if you never woke from that dream and never knew what was real and what was a dream?"

Damn Computers

2008-02-17T12:26:00.000-08:00

I just had this whole post typed up and the damn computer had an error. I dont feel like retyping it again. Too bad, guess ill attempt another one while im up for the next few days.

Update, of sorts

2008-02-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

Its been over a week since I checked in I think and things have gotten worse and better and they are about to get worse again. Eds been here since Wen, we started off on a bad foot and it seems we are having troubles changing stride. I am miserable here right now and its not helping that he is about to leave again. Everytime he leaves I go on this temporary binge or downward spiral. By the time he gets home again I know I have to clean it up so im better for the time that hes here. Its a nasty cycle though and its going to start to tell on me soon. It has already, I am almost back down to the weight I was at right before I got sick. That is somewhat of a relief because that was starting to weigh heavy on my mind. Ive started throwing up in the mornings again too. Not every morning but enough to make me wonder if its a correlation with the low weight. Last week I also developed the habit of just not going to bed for about three nights straight. There was of course some chemical assistance there... add that to the self destructive list. It almost got to the point that I was afraid to sleep, I felt anxiety coming on when I would nod off, wierd. I fail to see why this week will be any different.
Ive got to get out of this habit of going a little nuts when he is not around. I guess I feel really repressed when he is here, thats the only reason I can come up with. He took the adderall yesterday because he wanted to see what it was like for me, of course the effect on him was nothing like what it is on me. I should have known that but part of me was curious to see how it would effect him.
Ed leaves tommorow and then Lo has those next two days off, that means lots of time to make poor decisions.

Note: Draft posted from 2/17/08

He's gone...again

2008-02-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

Well Ed left for home today. His flight left around 230. We actually had a fairly good week, one little incident but we both got over it and never mentioned it again. He was suppose to leave on friday but he ended up leaving today instead. I wasnt upset about him leaving early, we actually had a good night last night. We went out to mail eddie jrs clothes and then he wanted to go get a drink. Lo and I hadnt been home all day from doc appointment and running around and trying to see everyone while we were down south. I hadnt smoked all day and really wanted to go home and smoke but said that we could go if he wanted to. He said he really didnt care either and I almost asked to go home but he went there anyway. I said I thought we were going for a drink and he said he didnt really think I wanted to so he came home. He said not to ever do something just to make him happy because he really didnt care and he really just wanted to make me happy. We discussed going out and he asked if I wanted to get Lo, before I said anything she came out and he rolled down the window and asked her himself. She said yes and I took the oppurtunity to ask if we could go in and smoke first. He was fine with it and while we smoked he made himself a drink. By the time we left for the bar he had already had a couple doubles at home and Lo and I had smoked.
The bar was close to the house, Ed and I had been there before and it was happy hour so 2-4-1. Just the ones were ridiculously large, 3 quarters of the glass was vodka. Ed had three more doubles, I had three and then another vodka cranberry single, and Lo had at least 4 singles. I really dont even remember leaving the restuarant or at least in bits and pieces> Ed definetely should not have been driving home.
When we got home Chris was there and all I remember is going in the sunroom to smoke with Lo. Ed and Chris ended up staying in the kitchen and talking... and drinking. I managed to talk them into going to get hot fudge and Lo and I took advantage of the time to smoke again. They came back and made dessert and just after that I went to bed. The first time in our whole relationship that I went to bed before him. I passed out and didnt even wake up when he came in. My hangover in the morning wasnt bad, I threw up once but I think it was more from lack of food in my stomach from the day before and I believe I forgot to take my triavil the night before in an effort to not pass out early. Inevitably I always throw up if I forget to take the triavil.

Speaking of which, went to the doctor and after intial problems with insurance, my cobra switched and he told me before he didnt except my insurance. He actually called them and is going to work it out somehow. Finally asked him to give me the regular adderall for the afternoon dose because of the lack of eating and sleeping so late. I didnt think he would prescribe it simply because I asked him for it but when I asked him what he thought he wasnt opposed and in fact didnt even know they made a regular adderall. So he put me on 10mg of the regular release and I just took it for the first time today. I took half of it at first because I was afraid of the initial hit but it wasnt bad and I ended up taking the other half. It didnt feel bad so im probably going to take the whole pill tommorow. I think at the next appt I will ask for a higher dose of the regular. He asked if I wanted to keep it at the ten for the regular so I dont think he will be opposed to raising it. Guess we will wait and see, took a xanax tonight, but ended up taking the 30 XR kinda late in the day so im having a little harder time relaxing tonight, that and the help of another unnamed prescrition im feeling better now. I feel like I will be up for awhile but it least i will be feeling kind of relaxed. Im going to try to take the XR earlier tomm and then the regular earlier too. Timing is everything. Its bothersome that I am getting used to the not eating thing and I kinda like the feeling. Thats dangerous for me because losing the weight is addicting to me and I take everything to the extreme. We will see what happens...

Relationships an ADD: Communication!

2008-02-04T15:33:00.000-08:00

ATTENTION!
The Magazine of Children and Adults with Attentional Disorders

AD/HD & Relationships: Communication is the Key!
By Dr. Ron Weinstein, Ph.D. Clinical Director
and Marlynn Block, M.A.
The A.D.D. Center

"We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
"...one can change things by the manner in which one looks at them." Tom Robbins

"Tell me and I will forget. Show me and I will remember. Involve me and I will understand." Confucius

Many of the arguments and the resulting rages, tantrums or cold shoulders that arise between people in close relationships can often be traced to differences in perception and communication style. How we see and make sense of the world around us influences how and what we communicate to others. This usually becomes apparent to anyone involved in a relationship with someone who has AD/HD. Developing an understanding of these differences is essential to effective communication.
As therapists who specialize in AD/HD, we work with children, adults, couples and families in numerous capacities. Our experiences with these folks is "in the trenches", often as part of a school PPT team, as coaches when emotional support is needed, or as objective observers in the heat of family battles, helping to prioritize issues that are causing unbearable discomfort.

We, ourselves, must deal with AD/HD in our own relationship. Ron’s AD/HD was undiagnosed during the first half of our marriage and there most likely would not have been a second half had it remained undiagnosed! We are fortunate to have been armed with a professional knowledge of AD/HD and first hand exposure to how it affects couples, so we have been able to work on our own lives and relationship with a clearer understanding of the differences between our communication styles. We use this knowledge to help our clients resolve issues that may have dissolved relationships in the past.

It's not difficult to understand how the "triad" of AD/HD symptoms — impulsivity, inattention and hyperactivity/restlessness, can affect relationships. However, we believe that these "visible symptoms" have somewhat less direct impact than the ways in which they have affected a variety of "hidden" developmental characteristics.

Most adults with AD/HD were not diagnosed until they were adults. Throughout their lives, they have suffered a great deal of pain. Many have had to develop coping mechanisms to help them survive. Over time, the constant pressure of trying to cope with their problems brought on by their new ways to cope can bring about stress. As a result, some adults become overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and lose confidence. Since we can't go back and change this history, we need to move forward and realize that the efforts we put into our personal growth create hope for a changed life. Newly diagnosed adults finally have an opportunity to closely examine their lives in a more reflective and meaningful manner and to understand why they made the choices they did. But as we are aware, just understanding doesn't guarantee anything will change.

Therefore, we work closely with our clients to help them understand who they are; identify their strengths, weaknesses, and the hurdles they have to overcome; learn what they need to do in order to grow and experience a sense of well-being.

Who are you?
At our initial meeting, one of the first things we ask a client is — "Who are you?" This usually catches them off guard. They might have thought about the concept during times of turmoil, but for the most part, the question never entered their minds. Are they comfortable with their "gut" reactions to things? Do they believe that what they feel is appropriate? Do they feel guilty about not doing something or then resent it if they do?

Adults with AD/HD typically have a problem identifying who they "really" are since throughout their lives they've tried to change their personalities to fit the situation at hand. Adding to this confusion is the fact that they can't often trust what they feel. For example, people may pretend they are wise and sophisticated, while worrying about being "found out"!

Making Sense of Interpersonal Communication
Good communication depends on people understanding one another's true thoughts, regardless of the words they happen to be using. Since our brains work so much faster than our mouths, we often use a kind of shorthand, which might have an entirely different meaning for another person than it does for us.

When two of us interact, we often experience what goes on in such different ways. If either of us could see the way the other views the relationship, it would probably make no sense at all. Adults with AD/HD must also contend with the three-ring circus performing in their heads — they are paying attention to the sound of the other person’s voice, experiencing past and future fears, becoming aware of the freedom to or fear of saying what they are feeling, and concentrating their efforts to get meaning from the other person’s words. The more involved they are in trying to be less distracted, the less involved they are in the conversation!

Unlike a "non-AD/HD" brain, which runs on batteries, the brain of an adult with AD/HD is like a wind-up watch that requires winding periodically throughout the day. The non-stop circulation of thoughts and ideas in the brain of a person with AD/HD provides stimulation and is a wonderful source of creativity, but it often creates difficulties with communication.

Words and meanings are not always the same.

From our experience, it seems clear that many of the difficulties experienced in relationships result from the fact that the meanings of the words spoken and the priorities placed on tasks are quite different for the individual with AD/HD. It's as if they speak a different language. This results in miscommunication, misinterpretation and misunderstanding! Thus we often hear, "That's not what I meant!" or "You don't understand!"

Problems with word retrieval cause misunderstanding. You must know where a word is "mentally filed" in order to retrieve it. Individuals with AD/HD often have difficulty maintaining an organized "filing" system since the AD/HD brain creates so many options. For example, a person with AD/HD may file the word "apple" under the letter "A," or "F" for fruit, or "R" for round or red and so on. She may file it differently every time. However, the person who does not have AD/HD will probably file it the same way each time, under the most universal choice — A for apple.

The disorganized filing system of a person with AD/HD impacts communication in a big way, causing him to seem hesitant or unsure while he searches through his mental file cabinet for the right word or phrase. During this time, the "lottery ball effect" takes over. Instead of numbered balls flying around until they drop down the tube, a word, idea or fragment of an incomplete thought may randomly and impulsively come out of the individual's mouth. If it is inappropriate, he may then respond by saying, "Oh, I didn't mean that!" Oftentimes, however, The recipient of the remark has difficulty believing he didn't mean it, especially if inappropriate remarks are made frequently.

A thought process begins when a question is asked. The person responding must stop, listen to what is being asked, compare this information to previous experiences, choose an option and then respond. The person with AD/HD most often has difficulty in step one - stopping. As such, the process does not occur and, like the balls in the lottery machine, what comes out of the mouth is often a surprise even to the person who said it! This happens because of the difficulty isolating individual thoughts in a brain that's constantly being filled with new ideas. The spoken word only becomes real when it is uttered aloud. It is only after the word leaves the mouth that the AD/HD individual can decide whether or not it make sense, and whether or not it's appropriate. So the statement, "I didn't mean that" should be taken literally.

Priorities

The level of importance we place on something determines our priorities. In our clinical experience, many couples have never even considered that their different priorities can profoundly affect their relationships. For instance, simple day-to-day activities that require planning and organizing may not be high priority tasks for adults with AD/HD. A task that is more stimulating, or one to which he may respond in a more extreme or "emotional" manner, is more likely to be a higher priority.

Differences in priorities and time urgencies are often reflected in the "no big deal" response. For example, walking past a bag of garbage without picking it up, leaving the lawn covered with leaves, or even driving past the library with overdue books and not returning them may not make any sense to some. In the mind of the adult with AD/HD, however, it is "no big deal", since their thought is "it will get done eventually."

Becoming Aware, Accepting Our Differences and
Developing an Action Plan

Adults with AD/HD are complex individuals. Adding to this inherent complexity are the emotional defenses resulting from years of being misunderstood and not trusted or believed. One goal is to be aware of what triggers these defenses, thereby reducing anxiety and anger, which allows the AD/HD adult to incorporate the tools for improving interpersonal relationships.

Acknowledging and accepting differences helps the adult with AD/HD to feel respected as a separate person. Only at that point, can the process of successfully negotiating differences and working on those issues or behaviors that may be inappropriate begin.

An "action plan" usually involves change, either in behavior, attitude, environment, or responsibility. Change is an essential part of life, yet one which can be extremely painful for many people. There is not much hope for a relationship in which one person takes no steps to change. Often, we find that the non-AD/HD person is more hesitant to change, because it has been easier to blame all past problems on her partner’s AD/HD. On the other hand, partners with AD/HD often believe that the partner must accept AD/HD as an "excuse" for certain behaviors.

Neither partner in a relationship has to accept unacceptable behavior. When a person who does not have the disorder seeks a support group to help deal with a partner with AD/HD who is sloppy, has frequent outbursts, or is unable to hold a job, in some cases, our advice is to forget it! Behaviors that lead to disorganization, screaming or unemployment can be changed, but only if the person with the problems is able and willing to make an effort to change. If he is not, we suggest re-thinking the reasons for remaining together.

Getting out "poisonous" feelings like resentment and anger is important, yet it's often difficult when one or both partners have a hard time keeping quiet or listening without interrupting. We use and suggest "emotion dumps", which are similar to the "10 & 10" sharing time encouraged by the Marriage Encounter movement. In this case, because adults with AD/HD are often impatient, we suggest making it a "2 & 2" — two minutes for each person to write on paper or via email about how they felt that day, what may have bothered them or share positive experiences. We suggest using "I" statements, reflecting how the person writing feels, rather than what he perceives has been done to him by others. Since this format is not face-to-face, neither partner can interrupt, be distracted by the other's words, or impulsively make a judgment leading to a blowup.

Another tool which helps gain clarity in the relationship is the Top Priorities List. Each partner compiles a list of what he or she feels are the most important daily and long-term issues to be dealt with. In many cases, the long-term priorities are similar. However, the differences in daily priorities are typically great. What the adult with AD/HD may consider "top priorities" is often in direct opposition to what the non-AD/HD partner gives weight to, revealing possible causes of tension.

Essentially, mutual trust is fundamental in a relationship that works. Mutual trust is based on the ability to correctly interpret what our partner is trying to communicate and vice versa. That process is the one that takes the most work, but as we tell our clients, life never gets any easier, we just hope to get better at dealing with it!

BACK to ARTICLE INDEX

Restless

2008-02-04T14:24:00.000-08:00

Here I am again, sitting and waiting. Ed was in Tampa today, left before I was even awake this morning. He texted me last night at like 1 am from the bedroom and said come to bed. I wasnt tired and really didnt want to go to bed so I went in to see what was wrong. He said that he couldnt sleep without me, but he never has trouble any other night. I sat with him for awhile and told him that I would be in soon. He didnt really say much, just that he missed me and just wanted to see me for a minute.

Lo came home late and I was up for about 15 minutes after that and went to bed. When I first got into bed Ed had his arm over me, but less than five minutes later took it away and put it on his hip instead. He was still awake when I came in and after that I just went to sleep. I was suprised when I woke up this morning and he was already fully dressed and heading out the door.

He really didnt text me at all today. Texted me twice from the airport here and then didnt text me again til almost 4 hours after that. He hasnt really replied to anything ive texted him. Then he texts me that we need to talk about his schedule when he gets home and asks me to get a box to send Eddies clothes in. Went to UPS for the box and it was 18.00 by itself. I of course am broke and didnt end up getting one. I luckily found a box in the house that can be used so I dont have to tell him the reason I didnt get the box was because I couldnt afford it. I definetely wouldnt have been able to afford to send it even if i was able to get the box. Its going to be almost $130 to send it.

Now im feeling restless and anxious about him coming home. I really dont want to fight but I can tell he is brewing up to it. I already told Lo that I refuse to fight with him tonight, im just not going to get into it. I thought about taking another Klonopin before he gets here just to help with that undertaking. I am already feeling strained and anxious. Ive fought very hard to keep my attitude and reactions in check so that we dont end up fighting. I also havent been drinking which I know makes me more confrontational, at least with him. He seems to be drinking more everytime I see him. I wouldnt call him a drunk because he has alot of stuff to do and he gets it done, I dont think he would start drinking before noon (my persona rule). At the same time he is drinking from the time he gets home it seems to the time he goes to bed. He probably looks at my smoking the same way. As I mentioned before it is getting out of hand. I need to find something else to fill my idle hands. I cant believe im feeling that nagging restlessness again. I dont want to head down this road again.

Even though the 30 MG adderall is helping its also getting more dangerous for me. I crave it more on the crash and the klonopin is not taking off enough of the let down. I dont want to raise one medicine to raise another, as it is tolerance builds and im just hoping that im on low enough doses of the benzos to be able to stop without withdrawals. I hate going through this roller coaster and Ed really does not have any idea. I know he trys but i think that really somewhere in the back of his head he thinks that im weak or defective because of this. He asked what would happen to him if he took it and I had been thinking that myself. I want to have him take it just so that he can understand how I feel and what I go through.

He texted me and asked me what im doing, I told him and he said he could go to the gym if I was busy. I texted him back that I could work with him here but if he wanted to go to the gym then I understood. Im sure im going to hear about that and it will be turned into you dont want me around as much or you are trying to get rid of me. I just hope that he goes to the gym and burns off some of that steam before he gets here. I feel like im going to have to make up for coming to bed late last night by going to bed early tonight. I hate this feeling like a kid that needs to make up for things that he thinks I am doing wrong. He knows that I have trouble sleeping and always have, since the day we met. I feel like I am constantly going for the uphill battle. Even when things are good on the outside I still feel like inside I am struggling hard to maintain this balance and keep it at this good point. Its mentally very stressful and I know in the long run this is going to hurt more than help.

I feel so trapped.

Been a while

2008-02-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl night, Giants won, good game to watch. Ed has been here since Tues. Remarkably we havent fought since he got here. We have been getting along well despite me feeling so short tempered. I take it out on Lo which isnt fair. Its hard on her when he is here but I feel obligation to Ed when he is here and I know he feels that way too. I have no idea where things are with Lo, she seems so upset all the time. I know it bothers her when I disappear with Ed, I feel bad and hate feeling like I am in the middle.

On a meds note, the 30Mg Xr is working well for me but I am starting to feel that nagging restlessness again too. At least I have something to do to keep me busy so im not stewing in my head to much. I dont like the added short temper though, I feel like I need to just be left alone until it gets out of me. The klonopin helps a little with the come down but barely. I havent taken any xanax for awhile, i really dont want to start that because I see the likliehood of dependence as very high. At least with ed here I havent been doing any of the other stupid habits that I seem to have picked up lately. I am smoking more, I dont know why but its become a compulsion of sorts. I am definetely not going back to cigarettes. Its getting expensive though. We'll see what the doc says I guess.

Adderall 30 mg XR

2008-01-25T15:13:00.000-08:00

So I started taking the 30mg XRs today, a couple days late thanks to insurance. A little much at first, I definetely felt jittery and got a little panicky at times. Overall it has improved my focus though I think, this is day one so just going by my productivity today. I had some very minor and fleeting chest pains today, it made me a little nervous but I figure you cant expect no effect from a drug like this. I was a little more chilled out, kind of in that focused contented way, hard to explain except to say that it was the opposite of being restless. At the same time I felt that low thresh hold of frustration that is typical of my adderall experience. I really need to focus on that and the ability to identify it and keep my mouth shut and calm myself before saying anything.

The thought briefly crossed my mind that raising this dosage to the theraputic effect is going to lead to more problems with stopping it, and inevitably it will have to be raised again. I think I was on the 20mgs for over a year now, granted that was with my self imposed vacations from it. The urge to smoke is there with this higher dose but so far it hasnt been uncontrollable. It is lessening the crazy impulsiveness which for my health and sanity is a good thing. Not sure how easy it will be to sleep tonight, not drinking so that will possibly help the quality of my sleep but not necessarily how much of it I will get. I was pretty tired last night but that was after a bottle of wine too.

Weight is dropping fairly rapidly, I really dont have an interest in food, my stomach growls every now and then but the desire to eat isnt there. I need to start getting into the habit of eating in the morning before I take the adderall, of course cutting out the red bull couldn't hurt either. When I do eat I try to make it as healthy as possible at least.

The more I read on Adderall the more concerned I am about side effects. I should know better than to assume that its safe just because it comes out of a pharmacy. I've felt my heart go tacky for a beat or two a couple times, im hoping thats something that will go away with time, as my body adjusts to it. If the anxiousness doesnt get any better than I will start taking one more triavil a day or elavil at least. I read up on the perphenazine, with is the other ingrediant in the triavil. I cant believe I was still throwing up on that, its pretty powerful stuff and seems to have alot of CNS effects so I would rather not take it if I dont have to. I read up a little on elavil too, taking that by itself will help with the anxiety, im not sure whats better, that or xanax. Not getting to that panicky craziness i've been in before so I will try one or the other or both. The klonopin and one triavil a day have kept me pretty balanced but that was with the 20mg we will see with the 30mgs. I still feeling a tad shaky but that has to do with not eating im sure.

Overall, we will have to see.

Another fight?

2008-01-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

So we talk on the phone and start to get on another topic of why things are messed up. He called me upset again and finally I told him that I didn't know what to do that he was in control of everything. He got upset and went on about how he was there for me. I asked him how he there for me, he hasnt been here through all this self-destructive behavior. He is so caught up in things that he is really oblivious to whats happening right in front of him.
Now he texts me that im wrong, that I hurt him and he is there for me. I asked him how, I would think I would know if he was there when I needed him or not.

Yay, or so I thought

2008-01-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

Ok so I got some Salvia from a head shop down here. 60x which i guess i alot, ive seen people be gone in half a hit and ive smoked 3+ bowls and really only lost touch a little bit once. Oh well, hits your body pretty good though.

Doc raised the adderall too 30mg XR instead of 20. As soon as insurance kicks in im getting it filled. Not really sure its a good idea to up the dosage but if it at least helps me concentrate and get shit done then its all good. I mean it is prescribed so how bad can it really be.

Success

2008-01-21T22:18:00.000-08:00

Success for last night, even though it was almost 3 am before it finally got here. Did half yesterday and finished off the other half tonight. It wasnt really great so im not craving it. I just want better shit, overall. Doc appointment tomm, going to try to get the adderall IR for the afternoon and the XR in the morning. Sleeping wont be hard tonight since I only got about 2 hours sleep and thats through the last couple days. I hope things work out with the doc, that would really make me happy but I need to be careful with it too. Either way he needs to raise the XR dose because it just isnt enough to get through the day without being severly off track or just not getting anything done. I guess we will have to will have to wait and see what happens. I am still foraying into my recreational stage, money is a dangerous thing to have at this time. So is someone who has the desire to feel the same way you want too.
Misery loves company even though misery is the opposite of what I am trying to accommplish for myself.
Losing weight, not sure which drug is responsible for that but thats not necessarily what I would call a negative side effect.
I think I would like to get the 30mg XR rather than the 25mg I was originally thinking about. Then again I shouldnt take any more than I have to to stay on task or I am going to a tolerance to quikly and its down the rabbit hole I go... Or am I already half way down the hole?

The Roller Coaster... hasnt ended so far.

2008-01-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

Here I am again mixing and trying to generally be F***ked up. Who knows what trouble I am going to find myself in tonight. Lo is at work and I am once again passing the time, the best way I know how. I might be getting some fun stuff tonight, depends on Lo. We could have some fun or we could improvise with some of my other things. I hope that things come through, missing that crazy fun and good feeling. I have been taking the adderall regularly but I think its just adding to this bad behavior and craving for other things. I want to get away from it but at the same time I want to stay in it and take Lo with me. Not in a negative way, just feel safe and comfortable with her and that includes our recreational use together. She is now I think after the same thing I am and we both try what I recommend to get there.
I dont know what effect this is having on her, what she is going through with my phases... She is with me in whatever I do.

I think about Ed and the relationship we have now, we have come so far yet he still has no idea what I am going through right now and even if he did I dont think he would know what to do. In fact I think that it would scare him and make him think it was beyond his understanding and ability to heal. I want to tell him, I want to ask for his support, and yet at the same time I want him to engage in the same behavior with him too. I want to be crazy and our relationship intense and completely honest. I want him to want to do what I do so that we can do it together. I want to be with him in the same crazy state of mind that im in now. Or he can save me from this destruction that I am falling into. I am trying not to see the relationship with the way I am now and the path that my mother took but I am seeing many similarities and I am even younger now then she was when she seemed to check out.

I am already dependent on somethings, I am scared of stopping the klonopin now because of all the things that ive read about withdrawal from benzos. Cant believe I used to carry a prescription bottle of ativan in my car in case something happened at work and it eventually disintergrated in the heat to a powder. I think I threw it out which I also realize now was stupid.

We'll see how well tonight goes... Hopefully something works out.

Gone Again

2008-01-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

Ed is gone again and as hard as I tried this time we still ended up arguing. We dont seem to argue any less we just seem to get more effective at arguing. At least this time we were able to calm down before it turned into another full fledged fight. It will be another ten days or so before he comes home and I dont know if the time will be good or bad. I think the more time he spends away the less time I can really see us being where I want us to be. Cant tell him that, I would be being pushy and pressing him. It would only be the truth.

Been on the adderall consistently though I have taken it late the past couple days. It seems to work for the first couple days I take it but after that its back to the same restlessness and agitation. I think that I may need a higher dose now but asking for it is the cardinal sin with drugs like that. Am I trying to get high? I dont think so, its a matter of it working or not. I would rather not take it at this point because it really doesnt help that much.

Still havent really shaken this desire to experiment and be F***ed up. This is a dangerous road to be heading down. I can almost see the same mistakes my mother must have made. I dont want to go there or end up like her and somehow I feel like its almost calling me, like its my fate. I read somewhere that its human, the desire to experiment and feel high, we are seeking alternate stages of consciousness. Thats the excuse im gonna use for now.

Sampling legal alternatives, inconclusive thus far...

FDA black box warning on Adderall XR

2008-01-11T08:18:00.000-08:00

Hmm this is comforting to think about, and what determines it getting pulled from the shelf. I mean im sure there are many things but if they pull all these thats gonna leave alot of people hurting. Unsure of date of this...

FDA Black Box Warning Labels on ADHD Medications
in
ADHD Medication
FDA warnings

After much debate the following medications carry the "black box warnings" on the labels of the bottles. These are the strongest warnings that the FDA requires, a step away from pulling the medications.

Adderall Tablets (mixed salts of a single entity amphetamine product)
Adderall XR (mixed salts of a single entity amphetamine product) Extended-Release Capsules
Concerta (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Tablets
Daytrana (methylphenidate) Transdermal System
Desoxyn (methamphetamine hydrochloride) Tablets Label (will be updated soon)
Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine sulfate) Spansule Capsules and Tablets
Focalin (dexmethylphenidate hydrochloride) Tablets
Focalin XR (dexmethylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules
Metadate CD (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules
Methylin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Oral Solution
Methylin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Chewable Tablets
Ritalin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Tablets
Ritalin SR (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Sustained-Release Tablets
Ritalin LA (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules
Strattera (atomoxetine hydrochloride) Capsules

Warnings for Amphetamine, Dextroamphetamine, Lisdexamfetamine dismesylate, Methamphetamine, Mixed Salts of a Single Entity Amphetamine Products
Adderall, Adderall XR, Desoxyn, and Dexedrine (SR)
High abuse/diversion potential: Amphetamines have a high potential for abuse. Particular attention should be paid to the possibility of subjects obtaining amphetamines for non-therapeutic use or distribution to others, and the drugs should be prescribed or dispensed sparingly.
Drug dependence: Administration of amphetmaines for prolonged periods of time may lead to drug dependence and must be avoided.
Serious Adverse Events: Misuse of amphetamines may cause sudden death and serious cardiovascular adverse events

another me moment

2008-01-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

so we go out dinner and there is the culprit staring me in the face. Alcohol always seems to be my thing with him. we go out and I cant wait to get my first drink, actually anything we do I cant wait to drink, the problem is I always get to talkative and then end up creating more problems for myself then I started with. Pretty much no matter how you cut it I am unhappy with him. He is so involved in his world and he makes me feel that I am crazy and that he has to put in so much work just to manage me. I am tired of feeling like a burden. If he doesnt think he can handle me then he should just say so and let this go. I cry for hours and yet he still has no idea why. I cant even be who I want to be around him, it doesnt help that he falls asleep why I am sobbing.
I feel so alone and I dont know what to do, can't turn to him and cant blame Lo for not wanting to hear it. She is in her own kind of hell and if I were her I would cry myself to sleep every night. He doesnt undertand and he wont I dont think. I cant handle this pressure, I am losing my best friend and my signifigant other and my world all in one.
He said tonight that he wanted all the rent, that wanted to manage his own money and of course I felt the sting immediately. It couldnt have been more obvious if he flat out said I want to know where the money is going and why. It was just a slap in the face. I guess that was a pretty obvious show of what he thought of me and my money managing ideas in general. He knows that I have no income, how nice of him to take away the little he knows I have and make me ask for whatever I need. I just want out of the situation now, I am only now realizing how stressed and anxious its making me.
I could easily fall asleep on the couch but im afraid Ed might wake up and find me and then that could open a whole can of worms that I would rather stay away from. My whole goal while he is here is to stay away from the conflict and make it as peaceful a visit as possible. If he doesnt want me to show emotion then I wont and he will have no clue as to how I truly feel. Maybe he doesnt want one, I miss my life and my friends. I need to become self sufficient and autonomous, the more I can do for myself the better, he has just proved the ridiculous of trusting anyone other than those you feel you can.

Passed the crazy phase?

2008-01-09T19:10:00.000-08:00

Ed has been home for about four days now. Things are actually better. I started running again, it feels good. I havent started smoking again and its been two weeks and as far as the other well im working on getting it to a managable level. Im getting into more of a routine which is helpful. Ed and I have been doing well, he isnt leaving til late saturday, thats a long consecutive stretch for him. We havent fought so far and I really am trying hard to keep it that way. He has been really busy but I've been keeping busy to, between working out and doing the work for Ed Jr.'s house. Its really essential for me to find something to do and keep me occupied, that really is the key to my happieness.
The adderall is working well for me but in the back of my mind im still thinking about how im gonna feel when I have to stop. I am down to just one triavil and a klonopin later in the day and the adderall in the morning. I am only eating like once a day but I eat a good amount then so I dont think im doing to bad. I am losing weight though which im happy about, ten or fifteen more pounds and I think I will be where I want to be. I've seen alot of improvement in my heart rate and running just in the three days I have been running regularly with one day break in between. Already running two miles a day is a good start I think, I cant wait til I am running up to five miles a day again, and comfortable running in a sports bra again.
Talking to the doctor I am making improvements, the biggest right now being quiting smoking and starting to work out. One thing at a time and im feeling better already.

Experimenting.... not such a great idea...

2008-01-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

Im feeling crazy, my behavior feels extreme even to me. I feel like I just want to be f**ked up. Maybe its the adderall, I dont know. I've been drinking so much more and taking more pills, I just want to get away from my life. Im doing stupid things but even though I know I know how stupid they are I cant seem to get away from it. Its scares me but I can see how easily my mother fell into this and how close I am to falling into it too.

Ed is coming home tommorow so I know that will help. He has no idea what I am going through right now, Im tip toeing on that ledge and I cant tell him that. He would probably flip out if he even had an inkling about what I was looking into. I just want to pass out because its passing the time. Will I ever be interested in anything for more than a week? What is this craving for feeling and experience and extremes. Its gonna get me in trouble...

Oh the Adderall Roller Coaster Again...

2008-01-03T09:06:00.000-08:00

Obviously I didnt die on my plane trek to the north... Things went ok going there, no missed flights or even delays to speak of. The weather started to get nasty as we made our way from Detroit to GR but for that we had and all wheel drive car and really the temperature held just above freezing so we werent to worried about black ice, or any ice for that matter. The time at home was good but short it was nice to see everyone though and it was snowy so that was nice too. Now I get back home and its in the low 40's here, mother nature is cruel!

So kind of had a melt down on the way back to WPB. We got to detroit airport early and ended drinking in the airport till the flight was suppose to leave. That right there was my first mistake. We boarded a half hour late and then sat on the runway for another 20 minutes after that. I was already anxious by that point because there wasnt much time between this flight landing and the one for home taking off. We finally took off but much later and by the time we landed in Baltimore we were an hour late for the connecting. Needless to say we didnt make it. I flew off the handle, I was so pissed. I just felt so helpless and out of control about it, Half that was the alcohol and the other half was my lowered patience since starting to take adderall again. I was being totally unreasonable and refused to stay in Baltimore for the night. There was nothing we could do and instead booked the first flight to Ft. Lauderdale in the AM. From there I was set in anger mode, I knew Ed felt bad and even worse I knew it wasnt his fault but I couldnt break myself out of it. The airline put us up in the airport hotel for the night and almost as soon as we got in the room we started fighting. The flight was at 640 AM and niether of us got more than two hours of sleep before heading back to the airport. I was throwing up from the anxiety of it all and didnt take any of my meds which im sure compounded the problem. Ed and I were really still at odds and that was adding to the crappy feeling. We made the flight though and arrived early in Ft. Lauderdale. By the time he left again for New York later that afternoon we were ok, just sad to being saying good-bye once more.

Since he left I just feel like being F**cked up. It didnt help he left new years eve so pretty much all that day and new years day I was drinking. I didnt drink last night but found myself smoking alot more. That was the other thing. I quit smoking cigarettes. Its been almost a week and a half, Im doing ok besides being generally moody but again I cant tell, that might be the adderall. I picked a hell of a time to quit, when I starting taking my meds again, that when I crave it most. Im really just replacing it though because I just make up for the smoking with the trees. I think I would go insane if I didnt at least have that.

Its scaring me a little because the desire to just be fucked up is so strong. Im also broke so whatever I do is on top of not eating. Oh the irony, I pay my health insurance so I can see the doc and get my meds but today I couldnt even go to the doc because I didnt have the money for the co-pay. Yesterday the exterminator came and I didnt have the money for that either. I hate being broke, it makes it so much easier to be depressed.

Taking the adderall again is a double edged thing for me. I know that I am eventually going to have to stop again for a period of time and then I will have to go through the withdrawal again. The up and down of taking it is that it helps with the concentration and focus but it makes me very short tempered and impatient and thats on top of the way I am naturally. I have about a month or two before I need to stop taking it again, I guess i'll just try to accomplish as much as possible in the mean time and maybe find something else that works for me. I started to take the elavil the doc prescribed last time but I just cant handle the side effects and the weight gain, they are just as damaging to me as what the pill is prescribed for. I'll have to reschedule my appointment when I have the co- pay and talk to him about it then. I never did pick up the other prescription he wrote out for me. Christmas time, some things are more important.

2007-12-28T05:32:00.000-08:00

Im flying up to MI today with Ed, I am terrified because of a dream I had that I would die in a plane crash in water. I started taking my adderall again yesterday and I hadn't really thought about the fact that its going to add to my anxiety today. Oh well, Live and learn. I found this when I was looking up fear of flying... Gives you a different point of view...

"He was a successful man who through hard work and perseverance built up his own business. His wife, too, owned her business. They had two fine children.
He traveled frequently, and because of an odd premonition that he would someday die in an airplane crash, he refused to fly. For shorter trips he drove his car. For longer trips, he took trains, and even boats, to his destinations.
One spring night a pilot of a small plane experienced a complete engine failure. On top of that, he lost his electrical system, and with it, the use of his radio and navigation instruments. Mist filled the sky. The moon had not yet risen. The plane went down helplessly and blindly in the darkness.
Though injured, the pilot survived the crash. He still cannot remember anything that happened as the plane struck the ground and plowed into a motel just outside of a large town. There was only one casualty: a man sleeping safely in the bed of his motel room. On that sad night, that man’s life-long premonition that he would someday die in an airplane crash found its conclusion."

I know, I know, you are way more likely to die in a car crash and seeing as how I live in South Florida, Im much more likely to die in a car crash.

"Common Symptoms of Adult ADD

2007-12-27T19:42:00.000-08:00

Common Symptoms of ADD in Adults

1. We are easily distracted and have difficulty paying attention. We have a tendency to tune out or drift away. For example, we might say:
It is a struggle for me to stay focused or centered. When I least expect it, my brain changes channels, and I respond to the beat of another drum.
Although I can hyperfocus a times, I am more often distracted, and have difficulty staying on target.
At times I feel scattered and confused, like iron shavings attracted by competing magnetic fields.
I set out to clean the kitchen, and often find myself reading a cookbook and deciding to try a new recipe. I eventually finish the kitchen, but it takes me a while.

2. We are impulsive, and we make hasty decisions without considering the consequences. For example, we might say:
I make plans without consulting my family, and then wonder why they don't share my enthusiasm. I jump to conclusions before analyzing all the facts. This creates problems in my personal and business life. I make decisions, commitments, purchases, even major life changes without adequately considering the consequences. I buy things I don't need, and then wonder where all my money went. The worst part is having to justify my actions.

3. We are restless, often hyperactive, and full of nervous energy. For example, we might say:
I usually feel edgy and am always "on the go." My insides are constantly churning. I drum my fingers, twist my hair, pace, shift positions while seated, or leave the room frequently. I'm always looking for a way to release my excess energy. I channel-surf with the TV remote control and find it hard to relax. I am an aggressive driver and love to weave in and out of traffic. My favorite game is looking for "hole shots" and creating my own car race.

4. We have a strong sense of underachievement and always feel that we fail to live up to our potential. For example, we might say:
Whether I am highly accomplished or floundering, I feel incapable of realizing my true potential. I feel like a failure and view success as something that only others achieve. In spite of my accomplishments and a satisfying relationship, I find it difficult to feel happy and fulfilled. In school I was called an underachiever, and that message still affects me today. I tend to be critical of my performance, even if others compliment me for a job well done.

5. We have difficulty in relationships. For example, we might say:
My inability to stay focused in the present moment gives others the impression that I don't care. I get bored easily and have a hard time listening to others. I feel uncomfortable in group activities where social interaction is required. I prefer not to be noticed, because I'm afraid I will say the wrong thing. Sometimes I forget to say hello or goodbye, and others accuse me of being rude.

6. We are procrastinators and have trouble getting started or feeling motivated. For example, we might say:
I put things off until the last minute, but the last-minute adrenaline rush makes the task possible, more interesting, and stimulating. I use deadlines as a way to create panic and chaos. This enables me to hyperfocus, so that I can complete the task on time. I allow piles of work to accumulate because I can't get organized. Only in times of hyperfocus can I actually get something accomplished. I'm inclined to start a project the night before it is due, stay up all night to finish it, and be totally burned out the next day.

7. We cannot tolerate boredom and are always looking for something to do. For example, we might say:
I become bored with activities, conversations and situations that do not interest me. I'm always looking for highly stimulating activities that keep my adrenaline flowing. When I sense boredom approaching, I look for something new and stimulating, rather than accept the idea of being bored. All of my waking moments need to be filled with something to do or something to think about. I cannot risk the possibility of having nothing to do.

8. We have difficulty getting organized. For example, we might say:
I have organizational plans, to-do lists, schedules and resolutions, but still end up with piles on my desk, missed appointments and unanswered phone calls. I have difficulty managing my time effectively. I am often late for meetings, and I lose track of everything from keys to commitments. I often feel out of control and confused because I don't know how to organize my time and activities. My kids do a better job of organizing than I do. I do better when others remind me of appointments and give me direction and structure.

9. We are impatient and have a low tolerance for frustration. For example, we might say:
I become impatient when things don't happen fast enough for me. I have a tendency to withdraw or react in anger. I like to know the bottom line without having to listen to all the details that I consider unimportant. If a line is held up because of coupons, price checks or check cashing, I get impatient and want to lash out at the person creating the delay. I don't like waiting for people or dealing with people's problems.

10. We have mood swings with periods of anxiety, depression or loneliness. For example, we might say:
Periods of depression affect my work, relationships and perception of reality. I sometimes withdraw and isolate myself. A simple setback can bring on feelings of overwhelming hopelessness for me. My moods are unpredictable and can cause me to be either verbally and physically active or quiet and inactive. In the midst of a seemingly endless stream of thoughts, a memory of past failure or loss can submerge my mood instantly.

11. We worry excessively and often have a sense of impending doom. For example, we might say:
Within minutes after awakening or after arriving at work, I seem to search my mind for a topic to worry about. I use worry as a way to stay focused. It's like cutting my finger; all my attention can be in one place. A feeling of impending doom seems to hover over me. I worry constantly about my health. I fear that I'm too fat, too thin, or have some fatal or debilitating disease.

12. We have trouble going through established channels or following proper procedures. For example, we might say:
I am a maverick at heart and do not like to follow rules or go through proper channels to complete a task. I tend to be critical of those in charge, and prefer being free to do things my own way. I feel smothered by procedures, policies, and being directed by others. Being required to conform stifles my productivity. I have a hard time teaching my children to respect authority and follow the rules, because I have a hard time doing those things myself.

13. We have many projects going simultaneously, and have trouble following through with a project or task. For example, we might say:
I assume responsibility for more projects than I can realistically accomplish. I lose interest quickly and have difficulty completing one task before starting a new one. I prefer simple tasks that I can complete before I get an urge to start another one. I am capable of juggling lots of projects or commitments at the same time, but it creates anxiety and pressure for me.

14. We are poor observers of ourselves and are often unaware of our effect on others. For example, we might say:
I have difficulty discerning how others perceive me. I rarely pick up the signals that indicate how well I am being received or if I'm talking too much. I tend to monopolize a conversation without knowing it. My friends tell me I talk too much about myself and don't give them a chance to share their story. I often exaggerate a story to make my point, and don't notice that others don't believe me. At work I think others agree with me. In reality they are confused by my "idea-a-minute" mentality.

15. We tend to say what comes to mind without considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark. For example, we might say:
I blurt out inappropriate comments without considering the possible consequences. Later, when I take time to reflect on what I said, I beat myself up for saying something so stupid. I have a hard time waiting my turn in conversations, and I interrupt others while they are talking. I speak out of turn in meetings. This makes people angry, and I often lose the main point of the meeting or lose the respect of those present. I have a reputation for making one-liner comments that hurt people's feelings.

16. We have a tendency toward addictive behavior, and use mood-altering substances to medicate ourselves. For example, we might say:
I use cocaine to help me focus, alcohol or marijuana to calm me down, and food to comfort me. I take prescription drugs as a way to speed up or slow down, depending on my needs of the moment. I use coffee and cigarettes to keep me energized and to numb my feelings. I use work to give me focus, motivation, and a sense of accomplishment. At times I use it as a way to avoid boredom.

17. We have difficulty in the workplace. We either change jobs frequently or have trouble getting along with our coworkers. For example, we might say:
I become bored with a job and cannot convince myself to stay, even though my financial security is at stake. I assume too much responsibility or take on too many tasks, and then cannot fulfill my obligations. I change my mind frequently and create confusion among my coworkers. I waste time and resources on insignificant projects and spend time on things that keep my interest but have little value to the overall scheme of things.

Adapted from The Twelve Steps: A Key to Living With Attention Deficit Disorder (Friends in Recovery, RPI Publishing Inc

You Know You Have ADD When...

2007-12-24T14:23:00.000-08:00

-You know you have ADD when...you have mastered the art of making piles
-You know you have ADD when...you're reading a web page about ADD, but you can't focus long enough to read what it says!
-you find your keys on the lawn when the snow melts
-You know you have ADD when...you have replaced the entire contents of your wallet at least twice
-You know you have ADD when...you're adding submissions instead of doing your research
-You know you have ADD when...You know you have ADD when you have misplace your coffee three times in the same morning, and each time its in a different cup.
-You know you have ADD when...you lose your glasses...and they were on your face the entire time.
-You know you have ADD when...When...wait. What was I writing about again?
-You know you have ADD when...you can talk to someone for 15 minutes and not remember what the other person said, let alone what you said.
-You know you have ADD when...you went to college four times, had seven majors, and have no degree because you never finished!
-You know you have ADD when...you are channel-sufring on TV, with an open book on your lap that you are highlighting in two colors while listening to music, playing with the cat and talking on the phone, when your partner enters the room to ask a question and you get annoyed at the interruption!
-You know you have ADD when...your IQ is 100 time greater then your attention span
-You know you have ADD when...you can't organize your own stuff, but it makes you crazy to be around other people's chaos and messy disorganization.
-You know you have ADD when...you are only attracted to those loud "alpha-males" with so much charisma, but you can't stay with them 'cause you both need a wife to pick up the loose ends so you keep breaking up and getting into the same scene again.
-You know you have ADD when...You have 3000 bookmarks in your browser.
-You know you have ADD when...you try to fix one line in a program and end up redesigning the whole system.
-You know you have ADD when...you realize the dinner you put in the microwave yesterday must be done by now.
-You know you have ADD when...You read all these unfortunate behaviors and realize they describe you
-You know you have ADD when...everyone driving too slow is a slug, and everyone driving faster than you is an idiot!
-You know you have ADD when...you have pleanty of great ideas, and no motivation to do anything with them.
-You know you have ADD when...you own a timer, a pocket organizer, and a note pad, but not really sure where there at.
-You know you have ADD when...someone just gave you a phone number 5 times, but as soon as you pick up the handset, you dont know what to dial.
-You know you have ADD when...you have to check back to the phone book a thousand times before you sucessfully dial the correct number.
-You know you have ADD when...you ask the same thing 3 time in an hour because your not sure if you ever asked the question.
-You know you have ADD when...suddenly you realize somebody has been talking to you and you don't have a clue what they said.
-You know you have ADD when...you're introduced to a person and you forget their name before the handshake is over
-You know you have ADD when...you have more books than the local library, you haven't read many of them, yet you still spend more money on them than on food.
-You know you have ADD when...most ( if not all) of your mail is still unopened...
-You know you have ADD when...You hide your dirty dishes in the oven from unexpected guests and then melt them the next day when you preheat the oven for cookies!
-You know you have ADD when...You watch a terrific movie, but the next day you cant even remeber what it was about....or who played in it....
-

Hmmm...

2007-12-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

Why Do I Love This Person?: Understanding Your Motivation in Relationships
Published by info June 27th, 2007 in Relationships.

"As a psychotherapist specializing in couples and marital therapy, one of the first things I ask is “What do you love about one another?” If the answers indicate little depth, serious trouble is indicated. Replies such “because she’s pretty,” “he’s fun to be with,” are troubling signs, indicating surface attraction. Once, to my horror, a client replied “Because we like the same kind of pizza.” Needless to say, this is not a foundation for a long lasting relationship!
All of this begs many questions: Do we truly love someone or simply what they do for us? Without question, we all know that money and wealth can be insidious manipulators in any union. So how does a relationship evolve from the meeting of facile needs to a stable, committed, companionship? Happily, after considerable introspection, many couples are able to identify their attraction to positive partner qualities such as compassion, intelligence, and an ability and willingness to communicate effectively. After all, if we cannot speak openly with our partners, what hope do we have? Perhaps more important, self-aware couples are able to recognize areas for potential growth, and develop a plan to jointly work on their relationship.
While some, especially new, couples may view such questioning as cynically casting doubt upon their whirlwind romance, nonetheless this type of critical self-reflection is vital in determining ultimate compatibility. Indeed, a little work now could save a lot of heartache later.
Action For The Day: After reading this article, perform a critical self-assessment in order to determine both you and your partner’s motivation for continuing your relationship."

About The Author
Emily Kensington is a psychotherapist specializing in couples and marital therapy. Her website is http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com.
Copyright 2007. Reprint permission granted ONLY if author’s link, name, and credit included.

Christmas is almost here

2007-12-19T12:39:00.000-08:00

Two more days till Ed goes home, he hasnt been here much in the day but we have been together every night. I have no idea where we are and from my point of view things are just a little different, im not sure if in a good way or bad. The whole family christmas thing is not going to work out and I should be upset about it but im really not. He put it off till the last minute and now its just not going to happen, coordinating flights this late is nearly impossible. I dont know if I should just go without him or what but I cant imagine spending all that time there by myself. Lo has to be back to work two days after christmas I think, the problem was we couldnt get a flight out until christmas day cause she had to work the day before.
The other side of that was that really the whole reason we were trying to coordinate it is because I dont want to fly and I definetely dont want to fly alone. Grandmas gonna be pissed im sure, I will have to make up something good to make up for this one. Ed said we could take a few days in the next couple weeks and go but I doubt that would end up happening either. I cant believe how much of a let down he can be sometimes. He keeps asking Lo what to get me for christmas but I really dont want anything. I want to be able to get things for at least Lo and my sisters. Plus I cant get him anything so it would just make me feel worse if he got something for me. I just want to be able to cover everything right now, I hate that feeling of scraping.

I hate the holidays

Weather Roach... This is really funny.

2007-12-18T10:52:00.000-08:00

Here we sit

2007-12-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

So I guess everything is ok with Ed now, we havent really talked things out but decided that the way we were acting was hurting us both. we went out to dinner tonight... I think we had some really good conversation. I think that we are both really unsure of what happens from here and now we have no direction. He is trying and so am I but then that ends up being the problem, that we both feel that we have to try so hard and then it just seems like the relationship is hard Eds thought was that we are trying to hard and thats why it seems so hard but I think he is wrong. I think its not working out is because niether of us is ready for what the other wants. How can we be so happy together but still not be able to get it right. He is about to leave for the next couple weeks too. We cant work out family Christmas so that we will be together and that really has more to do with me than him. I just dont want to fly by myself but it will be nearly impossible for him to fly from NY to FL to MI with me. We have checked all the airlines and it just wont work. We were going to have Lo fly with me from here to MI and then Ed meet me in MI and we fly back to FL together but we cant manage to work that out either.
It all seems so difficult and thats what it shouldnt seem by my point of view. Love shouldnt be this difficult, i know I have ideals but this isnt something that should have to fall into the ideal catagory in order to work.
He asked me what I want for X mas and all I really want is to be able to get everyone what they want. I told him that and he said that was fine so at least that will be out of the way. I dont know if he really understands that but he seemes like he did. I just want to get them something that they really want and not just something that they need. We went that route when we were kids, getting things because it was what we wanted and not necessarily what we need. I know Lindsy would rather have A DS then anything else. I should just give her mine since I never use it...
I think I am going to so phone cards and some essentials like a phone card and a bag of tobacco. I have no idea what to get Donny but I will call her before I get up there and see what I can do.
I am disappointed that Ed isnt going with me but more because he had all this time to do it and it came down to the 2 weeks before. I dont want to go by myself, it isnt just about the flying, it has to do with not going crazy without any company too. Ill die if I cant smoke and its much easier to get away when you have another excuse with you.
I was suppose to call her (grandma) on Friday too and I didnt. Im gonna hear about that later but I really just dont want to hear it. I know she will be happy to hear we are doing well but it all seems so fake. I cant believe that he is begging out of this, he had so much time to work it out and now it comes down to the end and I have no idea what I am going to do. I need to get out of a situation that I need to rely on Ed for cash and a place to stay. This is never going to feel comfortable until I can survive without him. Its never going to be equal and I think thats something that we both realize.
I tried to twll him tonight that he doesnt have to smoke with me if he doesnt want to and he wanted to know why I was telling him that and really it had nothing to do with anything excep feeling bad because I felt like I was pressuring him, even though Ive never asked him to do it.
I worry about his health and age to with the smoking and just because he hasnt in a long time... He passed on the smoking tonight, I just offered and he turned it down. More for me, I dont really care if he smokes or not, as long as he doenst offer his opinion on my habit of it. I told him from the beginning of this relationship that that wasnt going to change. Im proud of myself for sticking to that right away, to bad im not like that about other things in my life.

In other areas, I went on myspace and facebook with the sole purpose of finding Jamie from High school. I did a name search and came up with nothing, eventually got caught up finding people from my class and when I moved on to the class after me I found her. Funny thing was I found her sister first... It will be fun to catch up. Its so weird to see people from high school in the 7 year later category. Some people look exactly the same and others like me look totally different. Ten year reunion ought to be interesting.

The Resolution

2007-12-15T10:31:00.000-08:00

Last time I wrote I had just gotten in a huge fight with Ed, I havent had the energy to write since. After a very long and creul couple of days he finally decided that I had been punished enough and that he did still love me afterall. I wrote him a long email telling him how much I wanted to be with him and making a general attempt at explaining myself. He didnt answer it that day and sounded if anything more unsure... Just when I was about to say fine be that way he decided to call me and stop being a jerk.
Fast forward to now and we are sitting here at Barnes and Noble and Ive made an attempt to be super close since he got here but for some reason something just isnt right. I keep asking whats wrong and he isnt saying anything, I dont think Ive done anything wrong since hes been here but I dont have to be the one to think its wrong so who knows. Its such a beautiful day out and yet things seem so off. I dont know where my heads at right now. I want everything to be fine, but i think we both feel that it isnt. Thinking back to my other relationships I can see that this one can easily fall into the same pattern and thats what I am trying to avoid. I really do want to change myself, not just for him but for me too. I feel like im kind of faking it right now, maybe thats what he feels. Im not faking that I love him, just the happiness and trying to be super cheery when really all I want to do is cry. I cant believe how much he says he loves me and yet he is so clueless at the same time. How difficult is it to see what makes someone happy? I mean, if you know whats stressing a person out than thats probably what I would start with, but thats just me.
I just want to start settling into life now. I think its really important for me to go back to school but whenever I mention it he doenst say anything about it. He knows I cant do anything without his help. I wish I had never put myself into a situation where someone else has so much power over me. If we fight and he says get out then I really dont have that much of a choice, thats a big factor when we are fighting and he was the one to bring it up this last time. I hate having things held over my head.
Getting a job is becoming a top priority for me, as long as I know I can provide for myself then I will be able to be myself and not worry that my actions may mean the difference between being thrown out or not. I hate feeling this unsettled, I feel like im walking on eggshells now. I dont want to say anything for fear he will take it the wrong way and I will be headed for another night of hell. Ughhh! So here we go again, I just want to make it through the week without arguing and I am going to do everything I can to make that happen. Ill figure out what to do from there.

Break Up

2007-12-08T07:41:00.000-08:00

Note to self anger is BAD! Ed and I got in a major fight last night, that is an understatement actually. I kind of went crazy on him and I was totally crazy. It started because the night before last he told me he thought he was going to have a hard time being the man I want him to be in the future. My reaction was to get upset immediately, I took it exactly how he said it. It sounded to me like he was telling me we just werent going to work out. Then really the annoyance and anger about just boiled over to yesterday. He explained that what he was looking for in saying that was for me to tell him that he already was the man I wanted. He was just looking for some validation I guess. Then yesterday during the day he texts me and asks me if I want him to try and stay another day. I told him of course, that that was a stupid question. He agreed saying that he was having a blond Polish moment. He didnt mention anything else about when he was leaving all day. He texted me around 2 and asked me if I wanted to eat when he got home at 3. Since his flight was around 6 I asked him if that meant he was flying out then or waiting until the next day. He never answered my text. Then when he got home he kind of seemed like he was in a hurry so I asked him again if he was leaving today. He did that little look when he knows hes done something wrong and is going to be scolded for it. I said since youre leaving tonight lets go eat, he asked what him leaving tonight had to do with leaving? I had just assumed that he wanted to eat before he left and that was why he asked me and I said as much. Then he leans in to me and says "eddie I really want you to stay another night, I miss you and need you here." I felt like he was playing games with me and that it wasnt fair. Of course I wanted him to stay, he knew that, why does he always have to play this attention games.
I told him it was ridiculous and went out to lay on the bed. We talked about how frustrating it was for him to do that. I hate games and the decietfulness with which he goes about trying to get attention. I told him that, he agreed with me. We didnt talk for awhile and then got up to go to dinner. I didnt really want to go out and I had told him that, then I consented to just go out for drinks. We really didnt talk the whole time either on the way there or during dinner. Then at dinner I had three beers, which was a bad idea and he was drinking three glasses of wine. I just got upset and obstinate and I was a little more then tipsy, I didnt eat much. I just wouldnt let it go, its like I was intent on blow by blow til he finally blew up at me. Everything that I was afraid of him saying he said, he was just as hurtful to me as I had been to him. He basically said I was a piece of shit nothing and that when someone mentioned my name in a week he was going to have forgotten all about me. I went back and forth between shock and anger and desperation. It was not a pretty moment for me. I told him he might as well kill me, even squeezed his hand around my throat, yes I can be dramatic. He pulled over and I pulled the keys out, opened the door and chucked them. I spent the next hour being verbally abused and begging for forgiveness for a craziness I hadnt even grasped yet. I finally got him to say he would stay at home instead of going to a hotel. Then I went and grabbed the keys and gave them back. When we got home he said he was going out for drinks with a couple friends and took off. I just walked into the house and was sobbing to Lo. He came back after probably half an hour with coffee and a bottle of wine.
In the mean time I called my grandma sobbing and asked her to call him, talk about desperation. I could tell she was really sad and concerned for me though. She said she would try. He came home before she called him and I asked him if he had his phone on him. He asked why and I said because he was going to get a phone call, he looked scared at first, like I had called sharyn or something. I told him to relax that I didnt do anything wrong. He said he didnt want to talk to her but he picked up the phone when she called. He went outside to talk to her so I dont know what was said. He went in and went right to bed, I grabbed my pillow and told him that I loved him and please forgive me and went out on the couch. I eventually went back in and sat on the bed and talked to him. He was harsh, and silent. I once again went back out to the couch. Then he texts me and asks if im playing games now, I have no idea what sparked that but I took my chances grabbed my pillow and went back into bed. He let me hold him and I fell asleep. I dont think he slept the whole night. I was in pain in the morning, I hadnt moved positions and my body was kinked but I was afraid to move thinking he would push me away. He seemed calmer this morning but still a little obstinate streak. I finally got him to say that he would try and he held me and said stop crying and it would be ok. He said never do this to me again, I promised I wouldnt. He also said never cheat on me which had no relevance to the conversation at all nor was it brought up at all in the last two days.
So here we are now, hes at the airport and he has called me twice and and texted me a few times. I think I know wheres hes at because the behavior is all too familiar. He is acting just like me but 35 years later. He stayed in the car with me, he could have gotten the keys and taken off. I threatened to get out of the car at a light and he grabbed me and said that if I did it was over for good. I stayed in the car. He stayed sitting for hour or more while I talked and cried and he berated me. He could have left though. He let me stay with him last night and didnt push me off when I held him. He didnt go out for drinks with anyone and he didnt even open the bottle of wine. He doesnt want it to be like this either, he is looking for reassurance and im trying to give it all to him right now. I dont know yet if its going to work, he said he would try and he hoped we could get through this. Thats encouraging at least. If he really is like me then there is a reason hes held on. Hes acting out until he feels I get the point and hopefully we can get past it. All I can do is wait and see...

Back in Town

2007-12-03T06:07:00.000-08:00

Ed came back into town a day early... He nearly missed the flight, literally was on it 20 minutes before take off. Things seem kind of weird, he has seemed upset nearly since he got here. He thinks that I am not interested in him anymore. I told him all the issues I was having and that I am flat broke. I mentioned him helping me get a loan and he said sure but then never mentioned it again. I used the last of the 200 he gave me a couple days ago to cover my health insurance. I think I may have $10 left. There is not much gas in the car either. I have no source of income coming in until Lo gets paid next Tues. I plan on asking him to leave cash before he goes but to be honest Im dreading it. I hate asking anyone for money but for some reason especially him. I know he has it and will give it to me if I ask, I just feel so useless. Everyone is working and taking care of me and I cant even manage to find myself a job.

Im gonna take the job with the Post I think. I ve always wanted a night job and that said something about $500 a week. That would be perfect for me money wise. I might even be able to start saving again. Whatever happens, I need to come up with something soon. The last batch of trees I got has to last till I have money next and thats gonna be tricky. Funny I was telling Ed last night that I hate that it has now come down to choosing between trees and other necessities, like food. I know how wrong that is and yet I still cant make myself quit. Im going to really try and cut back though. Its getting to be a really expensive habit and I just cant afford it.

I think I dont really understand Ed most of the time. He keeps saying all he wants is for me to be happy and that he is here for me but then when I tell him all my problems or what is stressing me out he offers no solution. He was talking about setting up a business for me and startup cost around 5 grand then proceeded to say that I could always pay him back later, or never, whatever I wanted. If I had 5 grand right now I could pay off my student loan and get back into school where I can continue to study for a real career.

Ed started to talk about me needing a regular 9-5 job so that I could do school too. What he doesnt realize is that I dont think I could do both. I got through college in 3 1/2 years but that was taking 21 credits a semester and not working. I dont think it would be the same with a job. The ADD will make it hard to garuntee something like that. I still havent even started taking my adderall again. He basically left me hanging as far as what I could or should do or any indication on what he thought about the loan to pay off my loans and start school again. That is exactly what I mean by him making me ask for things. He sees the need is there and he knows I have nothing and yet he leaves me hanging. I know he needs to feel needed but I need to feel that I am not asking for something outrageous and that im asking for something that he says he has no problem giving.

I only get bold enough to tell him how im feeling or what I need when Ive been drinking or im fed up with the way he is acting. Asking him about that loan was so hard for me because I felt like he was thinking that I was just asking him for the money. I know he has it but he cant do anything without explaining to Sharyn where its going and maybe thats the big hangup. He even knows about the credit card shit and hasnt offered to help. If he is trying to impart a lesson about earning things, now is not the time to do it. I have no problem paying him back every penny, with interest if he will just help me out of this mess now. I was thinking about it in my head the other day that if I borrowed 10 grand than 20% interest would be 2, for a total of 12 grand. Sounds like he would definetely be getting the better end of that deal and I will be getting an education that is totally worth the 2 grand in interest.

Christ its expensive to live, even more so if you have a habit. Why couldnt I have been and alcoholic, at least then I could be buying $6 bottles of liquor a day.... a much cheaper habit.

Happy Birthday Mom

2007-12-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

Im walking around in circles today, its eing moms birthday and I still cant believe she is gone. I still feel as blindsided by it as the day Dorrie called me and told me, I was at work and it was crazy and I was being impatient because I had to get back. Time just stopped...

A bottle of Cabernet Later...

2007-11-30T07:50:00.000-08:00

So I decided to start playing a game of mine again yesterday, ps2, God of War 2. I think its good to get that aggression out but thats not the point of this. So Lo goes to work and I decide that since im flat broke and alone for the night I basically have a choice between a red wine or a white cause other than liquor thats all there is. I chose the red and proceeded to pour myself a glass and settle into the game. It felt good to be occupied by something, im sure that was helped by the red wine too. I played late and passed out on the couch til Lo got home from work. We smoked and I went back to sleep on the couch not going back to bed until 5 or so then I slept til almost 10.

Its gotta be the meds that are causing me to be so tired, I cant even remember the last time I slept in this late. I woke up really agitated to, I was kinda shaky and just edgy. Ed texted me about a job possiblity with the Post. 2am to 11am, I felt like he slapped me in the face. So then we would never see each other and that makes sense how? I got really pissed off, I said that I could see how important it was to him to spend time with me. To which he replied that wasnt fair and he would go with me in the morning when he could.... There are so many things wrong with that statement. First of all what job is going to let you have someone else there with you, thats a pretty obvious one. Then why would he think he would be able to get up at those hours and then continue on to his full day of work. There is no way, if he goes one night without decent sleep he is like a monster the next day, I would give that all of a week max. I would take time to wind down from the night and would most likely be drinking tons of coffee or Red Bull. By the time I got around to sleeping it would be around the time that he would be getting home from work. So that leaves no time. I fail to see the logic in this.

Then there is the neighbor Rich, that he says we are going to meet Tuesday and he supposedly "has a few leads". Im gonna talk to him about the loan and getting my student loans paid off so I can go to school. I feel so useless, he seems so desperate to get me working and then in the next breathe tells me not to worry about money that we'll find a way etc. why does he make me ask for help? I hate that and it nearly turns my ears red with shame for not being able to make it on my own. He just doesnt think and then I feel like an ass when I point it out and he understands and then beats himself up for it. Ugh... Frustrating

Health Insurance Paid

2007-11-29T06:12:00.000-08:00

I mananged to get enough together for my health insurance, thats it though, I am completely broke and there is only a quarter tank of gas in the car. I tried hitting up people for work but that was a fairly fruitless effort as well. Im so close to asking Ed to deposit some money in my account, I dont want to if I can at all help it but its between asking him or asking the other and I really dont want to deal with him. I asked him for work and he has nothing. I am weighing the consequences of asking Ed. I know he would do it but its my pride that holding me back. I dont know if I could face him after that, he already left me the cash for my health insurance before he left and that was gone in a week. The phone bill was 100 then stuff for the cats and gas and everyday living and I still barely covered health insurance and I wouldnt have had it at all if Lo hadnt paid rent in cash. I still have to talk to him about that. Damn these stupid addictions, they are leaving me in a spot I never wanted to be in and always said I wouldnt be in. I really have no more options as far as cash goes, I already cashed in my change and my savings is tapped I think there is maybe three dollars in it. I am out of options as far as cash goes. Fuck I really dont know what Im going to do.

New Meds

2007-11-28T07:31:00.001-08:00

So I told the doctor about my attempt to cut the use of the anti depressants. I told him the reason and I thought that he would be negative about it but he actually wasnt. I dont know why he doesnt just split the meds and only give me the anti depressant and not the anxiety one. He mentioned it but then in the end is having me try Cymbalta. I agree it was time for a change but I am still taking the one triavil a day with it and the klonopin. I still havent taken the adderall. The only thing that sucks about the Cymbalta is its $1oo and if it doesnt work for me then that is a huge waste of money. Taken my second dose today and so far no problem, as long as it doesnt make me hungry or nauseous Ill stick to it and try it.

Ed has finally calmed down and is no longer convinced that he is going to die. Im still depressed about the whole situation but I do miss him. He is coming home Sunday and supposedly staying for two weeks this time. He has to make something up for Sharyn for next weekend but I dont think it will be too difficult. Then comes the Holidays, between christmas and new years I will hardly seem him in December and the first part of January. I hate the holidays as it is and Im sure this is not going to make it any better.

I need to start taking the adderall soon and find myself a job, this house is driving me crazy, that and a general lack of funds. Theres gotta be something out there that I can do and not get bored with. I just cant think of it right now.

Stress and the Doc

2007-11-27T05:15:00.000-08:00

Eds stress test is this morning, he is convinced he is going to die. Imagine how that makes me feel. Last night he called and was really upset about how things are and how he really has gone about everything in the wrong way. What can I say to that when he is sobbing on the phone upset about how things are for me then in other fights he acts like I am being impatient and asking for way too much. Ugh, men!

I have my own shrink appt today. I feel like we talk about the same things over and over again and nothing ever really get resolved. He doesnt want to mess with my medication which I am not taking correctly anyway, he says that we shouldnt mess with the medication until I am at a little less stressful point in my life. The thing is im never going to have less stress, I worry thats what causes it and I have been like that my whole life. Im going to tell him that I've tried cutting back on the triavil but it puts me in a major depression. The flip side of that is that it makes me hungry all the time and I cant handle the weight gain from it. I need the anti depressant without the extra medication for nausea cause thats what its coming from.. I've lost at least 6 pounds since I cut back the meds. For my mental health I cant handle the weight gain. I need to get it back under control now before I really get to the point that I hate myself again. He is really old school so I worry about suggesting anything to do with meds because he could do just the opposite. All I know is that I need to get out of this destructive rut im in and if I need a little chemical assistance, im ok with that.

Still havent taken the adderall, I feel like its almost a game of waiting to see how long I can go without it before I drive myself half crazy. I thinks its been close to three weeks now. Some days I do ok and others seem like they drag on forever and I dont get anything accomplished beyond sitting on the couch and staring out the window.

That reminds me, my health insurance is coming up I cant lose that, my adderall alone without the script will be $200+ a month. That is the source of more than a little worry. Im gonna to talk to Ed about a personal loan, I need to pay my student loans and get health insurance and then possibly enroll in a program. I know it will be hard but it will keep me busy and right now I think thats what I need.

My appt starts when eds does, guess Ill be stuck waiting until its done at 2. Im nervous but not much I can so once he goes in.

Been sitting here for hours

2007-11-26T09:15:00.000-08:00

I slept on the couch last night, sleeping in the bedroom is giving me anxiety. I feel so strung out for some reason. I havent even been drinking that much, I had a couple beers and two mixed drinks with Chris over the course of yesterday.... I guess I did finish off a case before that. The other night when I was fighting with Ed I had two drinks that really did me in for some reason. I think the emotional toll is taking and of course im not helping it.

Still havent taken my adderall and im back down to one anti depressent a day with the one klonopin. I am suppose to be taking 2 20 mg adderall XR, 4 triavil, and two klonopin every day with two .5 mg xanax thrown in when needed. If I actually took all that I would be psycho, I cant imagine what I would have been like, and then trying to get off of it would have been absolute hell. Multiplying what Ive been going through as it is by the extra pills id be going through withdrawal on, would honestly be a death sentence for me.

Its dreary out today but it kinda matches how I feel so I dont mind, that and we could really use the rain.

Fighting... Again

2007-11-25T09:59:00.000-08:00

So we ended the night fighting and after I passed out he had texted me three more time, two of which ended with saying that I was difficult. Duh! It doesnt take a genius to figure that one out and what does it accomplish by telling me that? Then the text this morning were I understand and im sorry yesterday was rough for us. Two such texts like that and the one asking me to say good morning when I was awake. The last before I finally texted him back was please say something I feel terrible. To that I replyed that I was up and had slept in a little late, I love and miss you too. What else can I say after all that was said last night? An hour later he texts me asking if I have nothing to say to him and he feels terrible, is that what I want? I told him I didnt know what else to say. Im defeated because everything I say he has the comeback of either things take time, im being impatient and why does it have to be on my time.

Talking on the phone seems so pointless because either of us could just hang up and that defeats the purpose of talking.

2 hours later...

We talked on the phone for almost two hours and I only feel slightly better about the whole thing. He is spoiled and at times I think very inconsiderate. Im sick of fighting about shit that isnt going to change until he has the time for it. He says he hates it when I get to this point but is stopping to consider why it always gets there. I feel like we are beating a dead horse and nothing has been resolved.

Ugh!

2007-11-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

I get so angry sometimes and I feel like I want to rip my skin off and just be without it for awhile. I feel like Ed is so far away from me, he has no idea what I go through. We seem to be fighting constantly and im already moving on to the next thing. I need to get my life going despite this, guess I should take the docs advice, he says to use the next six months to better myself. I need to find myself because this may or may not happen and right now im not even sure its what I want anymore.

I need to find a program that I can immerse myself in, I really need a distraction which is the biggest oxymoron ive seen in awhile.

1 Beer Left

2007-11-24T13:29:00.000-08:00

Im drinking my last beer (really just the last one in the house) and im thinking about the mess im in now that is more commonly know as my life

I just got off the phone with Ed, we spent the last hour arguing over our relationship and the mess its in. He keeps telling me that things take time and I need to be more patient. What the Fuck for? Why do I have to be patient now when he had no patience for me at the beginning of this relationship. He makes me feel like I am crazy and obsessed, that I am being so irrational about how I feel, but at the same time he says the same things to me. Im so sick of waiting for shit to happen. I told him I am sick of reacting to the things in my life, he is putting me in a holding pattern and then today comes out with he is not ready to leave his career that he has been saying he hates for the last few months.

Its funny that when he met me he said that I made him realize that he was missing out and that there was life beyond where he was now, obviously hes not ready to leave that because thats where the resistence is coming from. Then its that he cant be without me all the time so I would have to get over my fear of flying so we could go back and forth. We somehow skipped from Sharyn, who has been the only issue hes ever talked about to now him not being able to go without me..... Hello, lets not walk before we crawl. How can I not feel that im just not good enough. Ive done everything I can short of begging him to come home and there is always something. I asked him why he couldnt have been here over the weekend and that was because then he would have to come up with a story for Sharyn as to why he would be leaving. Its a bunch of excuses. He doesnt see it because he doesnt want to, because he can only find the fault it others. I asked him why he should get his way when thats the way its been his whole life, hes had 35 years more than I to have it done his way. He tells me to be patient when he is the exact opposite of that. This is not going to go down his way, and if he fights it he will lose me along the way.

Still Here

2007-11-24T08:24:00.001-08:00

So I got up and went to get coffee with Lo, now here I am again. At least the coffee is gone, I accomplished something. I was thinking about going to have a smoke but they seem to be making me dizzy since I cut back so much on the triavil. Everyday I think about starting the adderall again, so far im dealing but I know it wont be long, if nothing else ill just need the change again.
I havent been listening to music very much, that kind of worries me because music is my life. I can see the gradual change in my personality from the meds. I hate it and it makes me wonder if I even really remember who I was before all this shit started.
Ever since getting sick, I havent been the same and that was almost two years ago now. Its like someone flipped a switch and I became the opposite of what I was before then. Why cant I focus on anything?

The Long Day

2007-11-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

Im sitting here and the day is just stretching out endlessly before me. I am trying to organize my thoughts and get to the starting point. I've already considered endless things to keep me busy for the day but I feel that familiar boredom creeping up. I thought about going for a bike ride but I dont know where to go. The water seems so far without Lo. Sometimes I think im gonna go crazy alone in this big house.

The new roommate moved in last night, he seems pretty cool. Shy I think, like me. It feels weird to have a stranger going in and out of the house. I suppose Ill get used to that soon enough.
I need to get out of this house, I wish there was a coffee shop or something close enough for me to bike too. Even if there was I would probably worry about my bike the whole time. Its not exactly cheap and I definetely dont have the cash to replace it. I was actually considering selling it to help out but I love that bike so until im desperate im holding onto it.

I should be looking for a job in my spare time but I dont even know what to look for, I dont even know what I want to do. I cant think of anything that would hold my attention for long and I cannot do something once ive lost attention for it.

Frustrating

2007-11-23T12:08:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have a hundred ideas going on in my head at any one time but I cant seem to hold on to just one at a time. I get caught in this cycle of thinking about what to do and I find myself wasting hours away, stuck there. I take a break, smoke a cigarette, grab another beer, and its back to the same spot. Occasionally I have bursts of brightness and I manage to get a couple things done.

Im on a break from my adderall, I dont know what happens but it seems like every month or so I just have to stop it, its almost like it stops working for me. Its tough, I get mood swings really bad, appetite changes, depression. I feel sick for the first week and then when I get past that I think about never going back on it.... Then I feel like this again, Im depressed and I cant focus long enough to really get anything meaningful done. Its a cycle, im beginning to feel that neverending pressure from knowing its a cycle. Drink a little more, smoke a little more....

I decided recently that it was a good time to cut back the anti anxiety/anti depressants, not so sure that was a good idea. I just couldnt handle the appetite changes, Ive been on it for almost a year and i've gained like 20 pounds over the course of that time. Im not going to gain weight like that, I can't. Its been tough, i've gotten really depressed. This coupled with not taking the adderall, I forgot how it felt to be this depressed. Not that I dont have shit going on besides but thats everyones life. I know I have to wade through this, if I start it again im just going to land back at square one.

Ill probably start taking the adderall again next week, by then I might be still sane somewhat. Im not going to take the triavil if I can manage the depression. Im only taking one a day and Ill probably only do that for the next week or two and mostly because im scared to take the adderall without it, it could give me a panic attack.

The first post

2007-11-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

Ive been thinking about starting this for awhile now, very typical of me. Funny that really one of the biggest hinderances to me was how to start it, more specifically the first post. So here it is, more to follow...