Dads family for the first time

" Lately ive been hard to reach, ive been to long on my own, everybody has a private world where they can be alone. Are you calling me, are you tryin to get through, are you reaching out for me, and im reaching out for you." " im just f*ckin depressed I just cant seem to get out this slump, if i could just get out this hump but i need something to get me out this dump i took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and got right back up...."I dont know how or why, or when i ended up in this position im in im starting to feel distant again.... I dont know how i got into this situation again, but I know one thing, ill be one tough act to follow." Not exactly the lyrics but close... Eminem song beautiful perfectly describes how I feel. I just dont think anyone can understand without walking in my shoes... the one I lost. I feel like im just going throug the motions. I wish I could qoute the song but it takes forever, just download it if interested. Meeting my dads family was an experience, I missed them almost as soon as I left. They are the only part of him I have left, I am left with more questions than answers. He may have shot himself, but he lived for a reason and the fact that his gf pulled the plug gives me murderous rage. She had no right and I will hunt her down till the day I die. She had no right and I feel that urge to kill when it comes to her. Movies show the same, you feel that obligation to your parents. He was coming home, maybe she killed him herself, who knows. I can tell you, she will regret ever meeting me thats for sure.

Where Am I?

So, its been a couple months since my last post and im not really sure im any further from that spot... That being said, I didnt re-read it because I probably would be embaressed by what I wrote, it is after all entitled Patron 3/4 bottle... That should say it all. The biggest things that have happened are a family reunion, that I nearly didnt go to, for lack of invitation and that I hadnt talked to grandma in nearly 6 months. Not such a great idea when it comes to family relations. I need to call her now that Im thinking about it. I am currently seething over a situation that happened while I was at said reunion. I left my cats in the car of a neighbor for 1 day and she says she locked the key in the house... She then took it upon herself to have a locksmith come out and change the locks on my door. If that werent enough to piss me off in itself, she then handed me the bill.... $200. Absolutely f*cking ridiculous, they took the old lock and changed a top lock that she told them had no key, which was done purposefully. When I contacted the lock company they of course tried to put all the blame on the neighbor saying they only pushed the door open and she was the one who decided to have the locks changed AFTER the door had been opened. I asked them very specifically if they used any tools at all to open the door and they said no, they simply pushed it open, could someone please explain to me then why she didnt just take the key and say thank you and leave? I need anger management, im ready to strangle someone for this. It may seem petty but really who has $200 dollars to spend on a lock that didnt need changing. That and the fact that this nosey freakin neighbor made a decision without even consulting me. Meddling does not even cover this person, that and she got a hold of someone I work with to take care of my cats because apparently she felt that one day was too much for them to be alone. I have not paid of course and I refuse to do so. This is going to lead to somewhat of a neighborhood feud im sure but seriously, what right did she have? The lock company is just as liable for changing the locks on someones place without even talking to them, just taking the word of a neighbor. I really could go on and on about this but im doing everything I can to make the company pay and if I have to, I will go after the neighbor. Yea it may only be $200 but its also the principle of it and the fact that the damn door looks ridiculous now and Im gonna have to pay for another lock that looks reasonable anyway. Someone is lying, either she is about locking the key in or the company saying that she decided after they simply pushed the door open to change the lock. Ok, still really seeing red about it but ill leave it at that for now.

Anyway, the family reunion, much less stressful then I thought, apparently my sister told my aunt that I was suicidal, my aunt then told my grandmother and I got a phone call that night. No animosity and everyone seemed closer then before at the reunion, the could be the influence of the gin though. It was fun to be around everyone and my sisters, hasnt been that way since mom was alive and we were young. That and I whipped everyone in pool. Guess all that time playing at the rec center with my sister when we were young paid off, for me at least... she still lost to me ha ha. Oh and the more interesting highlight, my sister was staying at my aunts and I at my grandmas, they only live a few blocks apart. So I went to my aunts and my sister and I went to 7-11 a couple streets from my aunts so I could get a phillie and get my sister cigarettes. I got my philly and put it to good use. Rather than smoke in my grandmothers car we decided to sit outside the car in the parking lot behind 7-11 and talk while smoking. We had talked for awhile and one car passed and I got nervous for a second thinking it was a cop, it wasnt... damn paranoia. A little bit passed and I turned to put out my philly... Not even 2 minutes later a bright light was shining on us and I was having a heart attack. The cop got out of his car and asked us our names, I of course was talking as fast as my heart was beating... being under the influence was not helping. I explained that we were just out here talking, that I was staying at my grandmothers and she was staying with my aunt, we just came out to talk. I offered up that I was here from out of state... stupid on my part I know. He asked if we walked and I said no that the car in front of us was mine. He said people dont usually sit behind closed businesses.. I replied that we could leave if he wanted. He said no thats ok, shined the light into the car, where my open container was sitting in a cup holder and then left. Talk about dodging a bullet. I dont know why he didnt see the can or even give us a hard time for that matter, maybe because it was 2 girls? Whatever, new respect for MI cops definitely earned. My sister and I were cracking up after that, she was far calmer then I was, of course she had nothing on her. I was the only idiot there. I hope that was a sign of my luck changing. It was luck for sure.

On another slightly less ridiculous note, I have gotten caught up in the Twilight series. I never watch a movie more than once and im ashamed to admit I have seen Twilight I think 4-5 times and just bought the movie. I also finished the all the books in about 4 days. I hardly consider myself someone to get caught up in things like this but for some reason its got me. I cant wait for New Moon to come out, even though I just cringed thinking that. Whatever, I guess it will be my little guilty pleasure. Im not particularly attracted to anyone in the movie, guess I just wish my life was as exciting. Probably what it is for most people I would think, that and I wish I could write like that. Ive wanted to write a book for so long, I used to write books when I was young, I dont know what happened to the ideas or the creativity but I cant seem to find it now.

So took a little break to go talk to the neighbor about not being happy with the lock, talk about shooting the messenger, she threatened to tell the whole damn neighborhood about not being paid and where I work on top of that... and I didnt even say she wasnt getting paid, I just said I wasnt happy with the lock and the lock company said that she lied. She practically threw me out of the house. I now despise her more, however, my anger is somewhat tempered by the way she reacted before I even had a chance to get angry. She threatened to sic her crazy gun collecting son on me on top of that. Geez people are effin crazy. I need to get out of here... I now know where that saying, drive you to drink comes from.