Late Night Writing

Every night I stare at the ceiling, the walls, anything not to close my eyes.
Anything not to see you in my eyes.
I feel the pain, its turned to a constant strain.
Death is lurking nearby trying to pull me down. Trying to offer its sweet relief, im almost won over in my belief.
From all these things I try to protect myself, sit back and put it on the shelf.
But it all keeps tumbling and im still crumbling.
I lay and pray that somehow I wont live to see another day but it doesnt work that way and still I live to see each new day..
Its a curse that I live to write this new verse.
Thinking I dont belong here and how that all seems so clear and yet I still stay in the hopes that ill find a way to make this pain fade, to see that I have it made.
You have me in your grips and I dont know if I can handle this.

You see my crying, you see me dying.
You know this pain, you can see it plain.
You see what I lack but you wont give it back.
Im dead to you, you can see right through.
My heart is bleeding but im still needing you.
Ill lay here and burn cause I never seem to learn
that no matter how hard I try it will always be a lie
that you cant believe, the thing that made you leave
The thing that makes me see that youre to good for me

So get away while you can, here ill even count to ten
Go now, run, head toward the sun and stay in the light
that I could never keep bright.
My life will pass and I may finish last
but thats never what I wanted for you and you can believe thats true.

Your last smile will have to last me a while
Til I can step outside and not have to hide.
Your shadow will never be far behind
and ill always be here if you want me to make you mine
I doubt it will ever be true but either way Ill always have a thing for you.

These lines are in front of me and I want to see more.
More and more til I hit the floor.
No twitch while I sit and bitch
about what I lost and what it cost.
The tears and fears of the last 8 years
fill me with loss that I just cant toss away.
Its a crime in a way but I still have to pay even if it was my choice to stay.
Just take me away, just let me lay,
let my life pass by, just let me die.