Such mixed emotions, I am finally free from that devil on my shoulder and yet now I have to face the fact that im left with nothing. Ive lost my best friend, I am on my own and dont even know where to start. I guess I could look at it as a new lease on life but right now I know I still have alot of healing to do. Ive done this with no support and I know its made me a stronger and smarter person, I just wish I had someone to share that with. I've had a tough time with being alone all the time and the only human voices i've heard in almost a week are on the TV. I've takin to talkin to the cats. I don't know when I've ever been this alone, im trying to take what solace I can from what I have accomplished but its hard when the harshness of reality sets in. Im not meant to be alone like this, some people like to be alone and dont get me wrong I like my solace but I feel like im going crazy here. Any friends I have, are at least an hour away and its just as sad when I have to leave.
I know time will heal a lot but right now it hurts like hell to be in this situation, and i've never been one for patience. I need to find a good support system and try to find my true friends in life. It sucks to learn things the hard way but once you've learned the lesson all you have to do is go to bed and wake up and let the time pass hopefully healing a little bit everyday. Thats what im trying to do, I just want to get as much time between me and this situation as possible. I have a lot of choices to make and deciding to pry this devil off me was just the beginning in what I have a feeling is going to be a line of decisions that may or may not determine the course of my life, then again I guess every decision plays a part in what the course of the rest of your life will be. I've made a long string of bad decisions and im hoping that is the end of that streak and I can start getting some good Karma back.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Beginning
Well finally being at the end of my rope, which I thought I was at before, I finally made an appt and went the 12 hours without and am now almost 3 days without that devil on my shoulder. In the process... I have lost nearly everything. I cant believe the end to this nightmare is almost here. I have lost so much but at the same time I have to say I learned alot about myself... Though it was a very tough lesson to learn and I obviously needed a blatant wake up call.
Lo packed all her stuff, mostly behind my back. One day it occurred to me that she moved out right in front of me and yet I barely saw it or comprehended it. I looked around and sure enough only the bare essentials were left. It all happened to so suddenly, though probably not for her. She was very secretive about it and never said a word. I slid back again and she couldnt take it anymore. The heart wrenching gut sickness I felt was enough to make me schedule and appt with the doc for the next day. It was not nearly as bad as I thought, I had taken xanax to help me be somewhat relaxed or at least tired when I went in. This proved to be a good strategy, though I was afraid I hadnt spent enough time without I had gone 12 hours and they only required 8. I had smoked also the night before and the combo of xanax and smoke were helping the mild symptoms I was feeling so even though I waited enough time in between seeing the doc and my last dose, I wasnt as sick as I could have been.
I had run out of my klonopin almost a week ago and thank god Dr. S prescribed that in combination with the other so that takes care of that other discomfort. Ive been doing really well so far and this is day 3 so I would think it will only start to get better from here. I know they recimmend at least 6 weeks but I really want to be off it in 2 weeks tops. I know the statistics but I also know my luck with tapering off something else that can be addictive. I dont want to hit that point. Im not worried about ever going back to this devil again. It took so much to get here and it was a painful and expensive process, there is no way im going back.
Will keep an update on progress
Lo packed all her stuff, mostly behind my back. One day it occurred to me that she moved out right in front of me and yet I barely saw it or comprehended it. I looked around and sure enough only the bare essentials were left. It all happened to so suddenly, though probably not for her. She was very secretive about it and never said a word. I slid back again and she couldnt take it anymore. The heart wrenching gut sickness I felt was enough to make me schedule and appt with the doc for the next day. It was not nearly as bad as I thought, I had taken xanax to help me be somewhat relaxed or at least tired when I went in. This proved to be a good strategy, though I was afraid I hadnt spent enough time without I had gone 12 hours and they only required 8. I had smoked also the night before and the combo of xanax and smoke were helping the mild symptoms I was feeling so even though I waited enough time in between seeing the doc and my last dose, I wasnt as sick as I could have been.
I had run out of my klonopin almost a week ago and thank god Dr. S prescribed that in combination with the other so that takes care of that other discomfort. Ive been doing really well so far and this is day 3 so I would think it will only start to get better from here. I know they recimmend at least 6 weeks but I really want to be off it in 2 weeks tops. I know the statistics but I also know my luck with tapering off something else that can be addictive. I dont want to hit that point. Im not worried about ever going back to this devil again. It took so much to get here and it was a painful and expensive process, there is no way im going back.
Will keep an update on progress
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