New roads on the horizon?

Im not really sure what to make of myself right now... Maybe just because I am reading the books, but I feel like Bella when Edward left her in the forest. I could I have been so stupid, even with being able to see this coming, I did nothing to stop it... i put too much stock in the word of another.. I wonder if she is missing me too. No doubt I am in by far the worst shape I have been in my whole life. Drinking only makes it worse but I feel like ill crumple from the pressure of my own broken heart if I dont black it out somehow. I dont even know how I make it through the day... not that others havent been through this but I feel truly bereft and after 6 months or more you would think I would start seeing the light... I dont know if i cant or dont want too. I just dont feel whole, i dont think i ever will. I cant imagine ever having that type of relationship with anyone. I was told at one point that my lot in life was to suffer for others... is that the whole leaving her alone part, and remaining unhappy to keep others happy? Its nothing less than I deserve, even if I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I have made my mistakes but this is a heavy karmic punishment, even for my behavior... i waiting for my last chance angel next lol. I hope she sees this for what it is, i would be by her side in a heartbeat, but i think she is happier without me. I love her enough to want her happy, even if it kills me. Which it may, i would have thought ive drank enough to put down a horse...I think ive blacked out everynight for the last month or more. The mechanic where i get my car fixed said they lost one of their mechanics too tequila... it took 7 years or more. I cant wait that long, however a passive route ive taken.. and not that it does anything to aid my postition with her. She would think me as weak and worthless as ever. She is mistaking inability as just that when its more like just not seeing what the point is to moving on without her. Im going through the motions, im sure it will take alot to pull me out of that.. if its possible. I wish i had some support or understanding but im pretty much stuck. I want to run away but im afraid of losing even the proximity of her. Why did it take this to realize I was completely lost withhout her, my soul mate. And does she not feel the same? This may be the death of me yet.