So the Journey continues whether we want it to or not

I cant believe I have been back home for 6 months now. I feel like I just got here in terms of what I have actually accomplished. I suppose if I really think about it I am in a better position now then I was when I left FL but I feel so helpless here. And def like a ghost of the person I was 10 years ago when I first left home. Its weird because its like all the people around me have changed and yet the environment and expectations are the same. I am so sick of pretending that I am the same whole person I was when I left. Im not, no one sees the shell of who I used to be, either than or they ignore it. I dont know if I really care anymore, my own disguise is failing and I am forgetting to put up the fake me which just confuses everyone and they attribute it to a bad day. How could I the one with so much potential, with the college athletic and academic scholarships turn out to be the most messed up of all my siblings. It wasnt suppose to happen this way. Shit my younger sister is 26 with a 5 year old and living on welfare but I still think she is more well adjusted than I am. I dont know who said it now but they said what I have been thinking all along, they thought I was the well adjusted one, the college athlete/ graduate and one with the determination to make it and I know better. My sisters may not have have the same oppurtunites as I have but apparently they took advantage of them. Even with all I had going for me I made a couple bad decisions and threw my life away. I know its not over but it feels that way. I lost the only person who probably would have done anything for me and the bitch of it is I dont blame her. I wouldnt have wanted to be with me that way either. I say now that I was young and stupid and to a large degree its very true. As ive gotten older ive come to appreciate the true beauty of what we had and the complete lack of love and respect that I showed that. I broke her heart so many times. It makes me want to cry just thinking about all the stupid shit I did. The worst part is that much of it is unforgivable, at least in my eyes, it would take a big person to look past that stuff and give me another chance and I dont know that I really deserve one, even if I know I would never make those mistakes again. She doesnt know. Many times I think she isnt nearly as happy as she was when she was happy with me. Not when I was being an immature ass but when we were happy together, out having fun, running by the beach, mountain biking, traveling, happy smokey and piggin out. The time we had smoked so much and had a huge dinner and less than half an hour later she asked me if we ate and I told her no and she ate a whole nother dinner. Holding our newborn nephew and watching him grow, getting to spend time with him in FL, taking him to the ocean for the first time. Being there are as some of the most important people in our lives died, my mother and great grandmother, her grandmother and dog daisy that she had had forever. Our best friend TJ. A lot of sorrow we survived together. A lot of trauma we made it through, I never thought there would be something we couldnt survive and I put all my stock in that and thats why I am so broken now. I had 100% complete trust in this person, would have gladly put my life in her hands and would have jumped in front of a bullet for her and the whole time it was me who was killing her slowly. I can remember when we broke up for the first time and she was sitting in the bathroom with razor blades threatening to kill herself. I didnt leave, no matter how wrong it was, no matter who I was dating, even though we werent together we were and every night I spent away was another sword through her heart. Even though I told her I would never leave her for anyone she couldnt put that complete trust in me. I screwed around but I came home to the same bed every night. No one ever compared to her in any way and I realized at some point that thats what I was comparing everyone too. I took for granted that she would always be there and when I finally settled down she would be there to settle down with me. No amount of spoken apologies will likely make up for all the heartbreak I caused and yet I know that if I dont get to be with her again Ill just keep finding out what I always knew, there is no one else like her and there never will be.

Interestingly I used to have these dreams early in our relationship and periodically throughout it that she was going to leave me and no matter what I said would make no difference. They used to upset me so much that I would wake her and she would promise me over and over that no matter what she would never leave me. I should have paid attention to those dreams, it was my subconscious warning me that thats exactly where my behavior was heading our relationship too. Occasionally I will have dreams now that we get back together but I cant tell anymore if its wishful thinking. I asked my best friend one time if she thought I would ever find anyone better than her and she said no. She was so right.

I dont want to live in the world without her, I just have to decide if her existence in this life is enough. I spend far more time in our past memories than I do in the times that are happening now. I get out of bed everyday and I consider that an accomplishment. If I can get of the basement apt im in in a day thats another accomplishment. My life is being measured in accomplishments that most people think of as second nature, things they do on the way to their accomplishments. Its not that I want to feel this way, I just dont know what to do to get out of it. Half the time I feel selfish for it and the other half I feel helpless. I seem to be best at hurting the ones that love me, whether they are aware of it yet or not.

I have such a long journey in front of me to even become a shadow of the former person I was. I smile when someone catches the grimace that seems permanently etched on my face. I do things so that everyone thinks im ok, but no one realizes what a shell of the person I was I am now. I feel like there is some barrier between the feelings that hit me and the actual feeling of them. Someone took the substance out of me and forgot to replace it with anything. I cant even remember the last time I was truly happy without any chemical assistance and even that offers no happiness anymore, just a numbness that is as close as I come. I say I dont really care but I guess that isnt entirely true either I worry about my family and the effect my downfall has had on them. They are supportive and do whatever they can but I follow through just to keep them happy, to keep them from worrying. Sometimes I think I make the effort just so they will leave me alone and believe the facade that I have worked so carefully to construct and maintain. Thats the thing about facades though, they arent the real you and eventually that will come out. I think my family wants so badly for me to be the person they thought I would turn out to be that they turn a blind eye to a lot of the stupid shit I am doing. They are a prayer will fix everything type of family and I dont even believe in that stuff.

I know I sound like im whining, I am very lucky to have a family like mine and even though we have difference of opinion they would do whatever they could to help me be happy again. Its just that none of them can heal a broken heart and thats truly what I need. I dont really think any of them truly understand how hurt I am. All my aunts and uncles and grandparents have been married forever. They dont understand the concept of having your heart broken to the point it leaves you laying on the floor with nothing but the breath escaping your lips to let someone know you are alive. I know it is possible to die of a broken heart, I just keep wondering why it hasnt happened to me yet.

I know a while I posted an opinion on the topic of suicide. I have a lot of info on the subject as both my parents committed suicide. I dont think I ever understood it until now. I was angry at one time and thought it was selfish of them too but now that I understand what they were going through and the similarity to my own situation I think that I am happy for the peace they attained. Even though I miss them both I know that even if death is simply a lack of existence, a nothing. It lacks the pain of life and thats the draw for many. I think as I stated before that I think the selfishness comes from the people who insist they stay because their sadness would be an issue yet the sadness that person goes through every day is not of concern. Everyone has a life and eventually they get sick of worrying or taking care of the person who wants to end their life but then sit there and say what could I have done. I dont want to be seen as the pathetic or depressed person, the perpetual burden and hardly fun to be around. As I mentioned before I spend far more time in my memories than I do in the present. In fact I think I would be hard pressed to come up with a specific memory from the last six months. Despite the cliche I feel like Bella in New Moon after she loses Edward. I am sitting in the chair watching the months and seasons pass but the chair keeps spinning and there is no Jacob to heal anything. What scares me is that there may never be, I will always compare everyone to her and no one will measure up. I may settle but it will never be her and that will always weigh on my mind and effect the person I "settle" with. Thats hardly fair.

However as my title says, life will go on whether I want it to or not. I know I have the choice to end it and it is something that I have both tried (you would not believe how difficult it is to kill yourself, painlessly at least) and will continue to consider it an option and in the meantime I hope that this endless spiral down will eventually follow the law of what goes down must come up. Im sick of measuring my life in times that I have something to dull or help the pain and spending the rest of the time thinking about how im going to aquire those things. I hate the person I have become and only hope that fate intervenes and gives me one more chance to do it right. I cant say that I wont screw that chance up too but I will sure as hell try my best to recognize it and make the best of it. I know there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse but its hard to think about that when you only know and understand the situation you are in, or not understand it. Its hard to empathize with a situation you have never experienced.

Ritalin Vs. Adderall Instant releases

Before I begin, a little note: I am prescribed Ritalin for ADD and I am an adult, my experiences may not hold true for the younger people on these meds. I also have no training or degree in Pharmacology or chemistry, these are strictly personal observations. I was also on a pretty good prescription coverage insurance program that allowed me to get my Adderall at a twenty dollar co-pay. After the loss of that insurance I am making due with the resources I have.

So after being switched from Adderall XR to Ritalin IR I thought I would offer my two cents. Ive done a little research online and havent been able to find the answers I was looking for so here is my observation. First of all Adderall is way more expensive then it has a right to be. I mean if you dont have insurance you are looking at least $200 a month in script cost and thats if you take it once a day. If you are suppose to take it more than once a day you are screwed. That being said I do think that Adderall is superior to Ritalin in many ways. My first complaint with Ritalin is the come down. I am sure that many would agree with me here. I have heard in my research that Ritalin has come to be referred to as Diet Coke and I can see why. At least in terms of craving more as the effects wear off it is a dead ringer for coke. In terms of effect on the brain Ritalin effects the brain in nearly the same way as cocaine. I havent noticed a marked improvement in terms of concentration as I did with Adderall. Conversely Adderall effects the brain more in the way of meth and since both Cocaine and Meth have the effect of craving more once the effects wear off I am wondering why it is so much more pronounced with Ritalin.

Once upon a time before I actually had a legit prescription for either I did experiment with Ritalin and found almost the same effect in a compulsion to continue use as the positive effects wore off. Even though they were not XR I still found they had a rather peak and valley effect. As a side comment it was a good thing I had a very limited supply of pills because I probably would have continued use til they were gone. Although this is another topic entirely I will say I probably had the best athletic practice ever in terms of performance.

With Adderall I never had a compulsion to re dose when I felt the effects begin to wear off. I was also far more focused on what I was doing with adderall yet with Ritalin I feel somewhat scatterbrained in I can start something and pay attention to it for a while but soon feel a desire to move onto something else whether what I was doing was finished or not, not unlike the effects of ADD without the help of meds. Part of that for me was the interruption of that desire or perhaps a better term would be a compulsion to do more to continue to stay on task. On Ritalin I tend to feel like after a half an hour to and hour the feeling is closer to taking massive amounts of caffeine than anything productive. I have seen in my other reading a reference to Ritalin as little more than glorified caffeine and though I would not necessarily agree with that I will say they do have their similarities.

Also with adderall the after effects are not nearly as unpleasant. Not only does ritalin have that nasty compulsion to do more but if you do not you do tend to feel more or less like you have had way to much caffeine and are all revved up with nothing you could possibly concentrate on enough to actually do. Again I have never noticed that effect with adderall.

Im sure there are a lot more observations that I have neglected to address here but feel free to add your comments or experiences and if I think of anything else I will add another post about it. In general though I feel way more whacked out on ritalin then I ever did on Adderall and felt like Adderall actually did what it was suppose to and well, without the negative effects. Just my opinion. Despite the cost, if you can afford it I would say Adderall is by far the better choice but again to each their own.

Late Night Writing

Every night I stare at the ceiling, the walls, anything not to close my eyes.
Anything not to see you in my eyes.
I feel the pain, its turned to a constant strain.
Death is lurking nearby trying to pull me down. Trying to offer its sweet relief, im almost won over in my belief.
From all these things I try to protect myself, sit back and put it on the shelf.
But it all keeps tumbling and im still crumbling.
I lay and pray that somehow I wont live to see another day but it doesnt work that way and still I live to see each new day..
Its a curse that I live to write this new verse.
Thinking I dont belong here and how that all seems so clear and yet I still stay in the hopes that ill find a way to make this pain fade, to see that I have it made.
You have me in your grips and I dont know if I can handle this.

You see my crying, you see me dying.
You know this pain, you can see it plain.
You see what I lack but you wont give it back.
Im dead to you, you can see right through.
My heart is bleeding but im still needing you.
Ill lay here and burn cause I never seem to learn
that no matter how hard I try it will always be a lie
that you cant believe, the thing that made you leave
The thing that makes me see that youre to good for me

So get away while you can, here ill even count to ten
Go now, run, head toward the sun and stay in the light
that I could never keep bright.
My life will pass and I may finish last
but thats never what I wanted for you and you can believe thats true.

Your last smile will have to last me a while
Til I can step outside and not have to hide.
Your shadow will never be far behind
and ill always be here if you want me to make you mine
I doubt it will ever be true but either way Ill always have a thing for you.

These lines are in front of me and I want to see more.
More and more til I hit the floor.
No twitch while I sit and bitch
about what I lost and what it cost.
The tears and fears of the last 8 years
fill me with loss that I just cant toss away.
Its a crime in a way but I still have to pay even if it was my choice to stay.
Just take me away, just let me lay,
let my life pass by, just let me die.

Amazing the perspective time gives

So much has happened, I dont even know where to start. Im coming from a mostly clean mind, Ive won some fights but sometimes I feel like im losing the war. Everyday is a struggle and most days end with my wishing I wasnt gonna wake up the next day, then waking up and wondering what the hell im suppose to do with myself. Funny as I read back over these posts I see so clearly now what I should have done, the road I was headed down. As the saying goes hindsight is 20/20. Ive gained and lost so much in the last ten years its hard to comprehend from where Im sitting now. From truly being high on life and sports to being high on everything else. Dealing with that blue devil has consumed me, made my whole life focus all about it. I hate myself for it. Ive lost everything thats important to me. Been robbed twice, lost everything everything ive ever gotten from anyone. Got pictures and clothes left I dont really feel sorry for myself because I can see that I brought it on myself.

Lost Lo, left ed and its me myself and I.

New Beginnings

It has been a long time since I last posted and with time comes change. The devil on my back has come and gone and come and gone and is in the process of trying to climb back up again. An annoying and wearisome battle to be sure. I moved to another state, back with my family in another attempt to thwart it but im learning that moving only causes your problems to travel. I now have a basement apt at my aunt and uncles which is far better then the last couple years as far as space and comfort. The same loneliness without Lo though. That I fear will never go away. In fact it has been the cause of many a wakeful night trying to figure out what it is I am living for again. I have forgotten what its like to be content and happy. Something I didnt realize I was until I wasnt. Lo said the other day that if I were to do, which I would happily welcome right now, that I would make the seperation permanent. That has merit but Im not sure that the way things are now is much diff. It already feels like a permanent separation and I dont forsee a change in that. I have looked at all sides of that and though I know and have talked about the "selfish" side of that I ultimately think in some situations it is the best thing. Is it not selfish on the part of others to want someone to live in pain and suffering just so they are still alive and available to those who want them there?