So the Journey continues whether we want it to or not

I cant believe I have been back home for 6 months now. I feel like I just got here in terms of what I have actually accomplished. I suppose if I really think about it I am in a better position now then I was when I left FL but I feel so helpless here. And def like a ghost of the person I was 10 years ago when I first left home. Its weird because its like all the people around me have changed and yet the environment and expectations are the same. I am so sick of pretending that I am the same whole person I was when I left. Im not, no one sees the shell of who I used to be, either than or they ignore it. I dont know if I really care anymore, my own disguise is failing and I am forgetting to put up the fake me which just confuses everyone and they attribute it to a bad day. How could I the one with so much potential, with the college athletic and academic scholarships turn out to be the most messed up of all my siblings. It wasnt suppose to happen this way. Shit my younger sister is 26 with a 5 year old and living on welfare but I still think she is more well adjusted than I am. I dont know who said it now but they said what I have been thinking all along, they thought I was the well adjusted one, the college athlete/ graduate and one with the determination to make it and I know better. My sisters may not have have the same oppurtunites as I have but apparently they took advantage of them. Even with all I had going for me I made a couple bad decisions and threw my life away. I know its not over but it feels that way. I lost the only person who probably would have done anything for me and the bitch of it is I dont blame her. I wouldnt have wanted to be with me that way either. I say now that I was young and stupid and to a large degree its very true. As ive gotten older ive come to appreciate the true beauty of what we had and the complete lack of love and respect that I showed that. I broke her heart so many times. It makes me want to cry just thinking about all the stupid shit I did. The worst part is that much of it is unforgivable, at least in my eyes, it would take a big person to look past that stuff and give me another chance and I dont know that I really deserve one, even if I know I would never make those mistakes again. She doesnt know. Many times I think she isnt nearly as happy as she was when she was happy with me. Not when I was being an immature ass but when we were happy together, out having fun, running by the beach, mountain biking, traveling, happy smokey and piggin out. The time we had smoked so much and had a huge dinner and less than half an hour later she asked me if we ate and I told her no and she ate a whole nother dinner. Holding our newborn nephew and watching him grow, getting to spend time with him in FL, taking him to the ocean for the first time. Being there are as some of the most important people in our lives died, my mother and great grandmother, her grandmother and dog daisy that she had had forever. Our best friend TJ. A lot of sorrow we survived together. A lot of trauma we made it through, I never thought there would be something we couldnt survive and I put all my stock in that and thats why I am so broken now. I had 100% complete trust in this person, would have gladly put my life in her hands and would have jumped in front of a bullet for her and the whole time it was me who was killing her slowly. I can remember when we broke up for the first time and she was sitting in the bathroom with razor blades threatening to kill herself. I didnt leave, no matter how wrong it was, no matter who I was dating, even though we werent together we were and every night I spent away was another sword through her heart. Even though I told her I would never leave her for anyone she couldnt put that complete trust in me. I screwed around but I came home to the same bed every night. No one ever compared to her in any way and I realized at some point that thats what I was comparing everyone too. I took for granted that she would always be there and when I finally settled down she would be there to settle down with me. No amount of spoken apologies will likely make up for all the heartbreak I caused and yet I know that if I dont get to be with her again Ill just keep finding out what I always knew, there is no one else like her and there never will be.

Interestingly I used to have these dreams early in our relationship and periodically throughout it that she was going to leave me and no matter what I said would make no difference. They used to upset me so much that I would wake her and she would promise me over and over that no matter what she would never leave me. I should have paid attention to those dreams, it was my subconscious warning me that thats exactly where my behavior was heading our relationship too. Occasionally I will have dreams now that we get back together but I cant tell anymore if its wishful thinking. I asked my best friend one time if she thought I would ever find anyone better than her and she said no. She was so right.

I dont want to live in the world without her, I just have to decide if her existence in this life is enough. I spend far more time in our past memories than I do in the times that are happening now. I get out of bed everyday and I consider that an accomplishment. If I can get of the basement apt im in in a day thats another accomplishment. My life is being measured in accomplishments that most people think of as second nature, things they do on the way to their accomplishments. Its not that I want to feel this way, I just dont know what to do to get out of it. Half the time I feel selfish for it and the other half I feel helpless. I seem to be best at hurting the ones that love me, whether they are aware of it yet or not.

I have such a long journey in front of me to even become a shadow of the former person I was. I smile when someone catches the grimace that seems permanently etched on my face. I do things so that everyone thinks im ok, but no one realizes what a shell of the person I was I am now. I feel like there is some barrier between the feelings that hit me and the actual feeling of them. Someone took the substance out of me and forgot to replace it with anything. I cant even remember the last time I was truly happy without any chemical assistance and even that offers no happiness anymore, just a numbness that is as close as I come. I say I dont really care but I guess that isnt entirely true either I worry about my family and the effect my downfall has had on them. They are supportive and do whatever they can but I follow through just to keep them happy, to keep them from worrying. Sometimes I think I make the effort just so they will leave me alone and believe the facade that I have worked so carefully to construct and maintain. Thats the thing about facades though, they arent the real you and eventually that will come out. I think my family wants so badly for me to be the person they thought I would turn out to be that they turn a blind eye to a lot of the stupid shit I am doing. They are a prayer will fix everything type of family and I dont even believe in that stuff.

I know I sound like im whining, I am very lucky to have a family like mine and even though we have difference of opinion they would do whatever they could to help me be happy again. Its just that none of them can heal a broken heart and thats truly what I need. I dont really think any of them truly understand how hurt I am. All my aunts and uncles and grandparents have been married forever. They dont understand the concept of having your heart broken to the point it leaves you laying on the floor with nothing but the breath escaping your lips to let someone know you are alive. I know it is possible to die of a broken heart, I just keep wondering why it hasnt happened to me yet.

I know a while I posted an opinion on the topic of suicide. I have a lot of info on the subject as both my parents committed suicide. I dont think I ever understood it until now. I was angry at one time and thought it was selfish of them too but now that I understand what they were going through and the similarity to my own situation I think that I am happy for the peace they attained. Even though I miss them both I know that even if death is simply a lack of existence, a nothing. It lacks the pain of life and thats the draw for many. I think as I stated before that I think the selfishness comes from the people who insist they stay because their sadness would be an issue yet the sadness that person goes through every day is not of concern. Everyone has a life and eventually they get sick of worrying or taking care of the person who wants to end their life but then sit there and say what could I have done. I dont want to be seen as the pathetic or depressed person, the perpetual burden and hardly fun to be around. As I mentioned before I spend far more time in my memories than I do in the present. In fact I think I would be hard pressed to come up with a specific memory from the last six months. Despite the cliche I feel like Bella in New Moon after she loses Edward. I am sitting in the chair watching the months and seasons pass but the chair keeps spinning and there is no Jacob to heal anything. What scares me is that there may never be, I will always compare everyone to her and no one will measure up. I may settle but it will never be her and that will always weigh on my mind and effect the person I "settle" with. Thats hardly fair.

However as my title says, life will go on whether I want it to or not. I know I have the choice to end it and it is something that I have both tried (you would not believe how difficult it is to kill yourself, painlessly at least) and will continue to consider it an option and in the meantime I hope that this endless spiral down will eventually follow the law of what goes down must come up. Im sick of measuring my life in times that I have something to dull or help the pain and spending the rest of the time thinking about how im going to aquire those things. I hate the person I have become and only hope that fate intervenes and gives me one more chance to do it right. I cant say that I wont screw that chance up too but I will sure as hell try my best to recognize it and make the best of it. I know there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse but its hard to think about that when you only know and understand the situation you are in, or not understand it. Its hard to empathize with a situation you have never experienced.