Love and war?

Love and War?

How does the saying go... alls fair in love and war. That may be true but to whose detriment. I feel like someone always loses and its probably not the one who made the statement in the first place. How do you explain to someone that they mean everything to you but youre flawed. You can tell them and even try to warn them away no matter how much it hurts you but in the end I think people always want to find the good in others and think they can bring that out or save them if thats the case... Im sure this happens but more often then not I think someone gets hurt because they think that when they dont succeed it is a flaw on their part. I suppose you see it more with girls who go for bad girls or girls who go for bad guys. Most think they are gonna be the one too change them and then they dont and things are usually not good for the ones who cant change but what about the ones who cant be changed? I feel like it takes a really strong person to accept and deal with major flaws in a person, whether that be cheating or drinking or drugs or any other vice there is. I think that most people that fall into that "bad girl" category want to change, maybe they just havent found someone strong enough or patient enough to deal with it. Thats a scary thing to think about, you find someone, speaking from a person that needs to be changed, and you start to think that this person can deal with it and even if you put everything up front and they know I think they are still never really prepared for the kind of situation you are worried about and they want to change in you or keep you from falling into... In my case, if youve read my other posts you know my major battle was the blue devil... I thought that would never end, two years of my life spent trying to survive for nothing other than that. Everything I did was in some way related to trying to keep the devil on my back or trying to get it off. Far more time was spent trying to keep it on if im gonna be honest. Then I got sick of it and realized that the only way to keep it off was to get away and so I did. I moved 1000+ miles away from the life I had known since moving away from home. To be honest I wasnt leaving much at that point, I had shunned so much in my single mindedness for blues. I was truly on my own and I know I put myself there. All I could do was go home with my tail between my legs and hope that the agony would somehow end there. In retrospect I think it was by far one of the hardest things ive ever done in my life. I left without a backward glance on a moments notice and feeling like I had completely failed at life. I came home and felt like shit for a couple months at least, then I managed to find a couple connections, not to blues at first but vics and the like. Which to anyone who has suffered through WDs knows is like the next best thing to blues themselves. Then eventually like an idiot I got online and found a connection for blues. I dont even know why, I think looking back now I was feeling ok, not good but better then i was when i left. I just couldnt be happy, I felt like I forgot how to even smile. The only time I could even muster it was when I felt like I needed to for my family. So began the cycle of getting blues from online, at first it wasnt so bad but like it always does it gets its claws in you and youre right back where you started before you even know what hit you. I started the damn cycle of getting a shipment then going through withdrawals if I couldnt afford another one or if I had to wait to long for the next. I couldnt believe that even from a thousand miles away I had managed to do exactly the thing I had run away from. I can remember the last time I actually got them, It was my birthday of this year and when I ran out I was feeling like shit, driving home from my sisters and taking 100mg morphine just to try to feel like I was gonna make it through the day.

Then it happened, as it usually does when you are not expecting it, I started to talk to someone online, i know very cliche these days,but still... I started talking to her and eventually texting and suddenly I wasnt thinking about blues anymore, I wasnt thinking about anything but her. She completely captured my attention and I was totally blindsided. Suddenly I wanted to go out again and be alive again and not stay in the same basement I had been in for nearly six months. I feel like my body healed because my mind did now that i think about it. She patched something that had been long broken and I wasnt even sure what it was that was broken at the time. Im pretty sure now, again pardon the cliche, that it was my heart and spirit, and along with that my will to live. This was only talking through text but I just felt like I knew her and I felt like she felt the same way. She got me in ways that I didnt think were possible to get a person without years of getting to know them. I knew it before I met her, in person that is, that I was gonna fall hard and even though it was a scary and dangerous position for someone like me to be in considering my recent break from a long scary journey and the fragility that was still so painfully obvious to me.... If things went bad they could send me right back down and probably further then where i was before if thats possible. But I didnt even think about it, I just went with it I had to, I felt this compulsion to know her that I still dont understand. Within a couple weeks I felt like we had been together for a long time and I felt better than I had in well, two years at least. Probably more like four to be honest because it was just her and I not the triangle I dealt with for so long with Lo and Ed. I didnt feel any pretense to be something or someone I wasnt and I reveled in that freedom to finally be myself. I told her things before we even met that would have taken me years to tell other people, I was totally honest with her about myself even stupid things. I just wanted to say everything that was me because I felt like I hadnt even been me in so long that by telling her I was also rediscovering and remembering the person I used to be, that I wanted to be. I felt very free but at the same time we hadnt even met in person and even though I pretty much ignored that minor detail it still made me a bit nervous. Eventually the time came to meet though because we were already in as far as we could go without meeting each other and deciding whether or not to pursue it which seemed like a rather ludicrous thought considering how close we already were. I remember driving there and not really feeling a bit nervous. I should have, I've only met someone online once and that was very short lived and I had so much more at stake with this. Though I didn't want to admit it at the time my heart was already slipping to this girl felt like I knew forever but really didn't know that well at all. I really digress from the whole point of this post but I thought background was good. Too make a long story short we met and were completely in love within a month. It may sound crazy, he'll we said it was crazy many times but it was good and suddenly I felt like I was high. As close to a blues high as you can get without putting chemicals in your body that aren't naturally there. I was shocked, I hadn't thought about blues since she and I started talking and now I was feeling that way without having touched anything, except well her of course... Again I digress. Anyway I have quiet the sordid past and since I wanted to be myself and not have to worry or keep secrets I told her everything. The best and the worst of it though I feel that there was/is far more worse then there is best. I told her about the blues, where I had been, being sick... even Ed and how I met him which I dont think anyone except Lo knew. It was freeing and terrifying at the same time. I wasnt trying to push her away but I wanted her to know what she was getting into too, with the struggle that I had gone through with the blues and was honestly just getting out of. I had already hurt enough people with it and I didnt want her to be one of those people. Maybe I dont give myself enough credit, as she always says but Ive learned from my many battles to stay clean that it is a life long process.

Now back to the original point of the whole post, you find that person that says despite all that you have told them that they love you enough to deal with it. But is it fair? I mean she would say once again i dont give myself enough credit but I upset her last night and tonight and its indirectly about blues but not. I suppose I did this to myself by being so dramatic about the potential issues I face but I felt like I had to put it all out on the table and let her decide... At least I thought I did, put it all out that is... But im realizing that by focusing on what I thought was the most pertinent and most relationship deciding thing for her I left out other parts of me. Not intentionally but nonetheless I did and tonight I felt the sting of that. I dont ever want to be someone im not again, it made my life miserable and nearly ended it. However with that being said I also dont want to be someone that she isnt happy to be with. I feel like i keep messing up by trying to protect her from things that maybe I underestimate her strength on. And then there are the things that worry her that i screw up on too and whether its explanation or just stupid comments which by the way I am quite adept at. I feel like ive made a huge mistake though without realizing it, and something she said tonight made me realize it and scared me. If youve followed my previous posts then you know that I was on adderall for quite a while, then off for a while then when i got back home after a couple months they put me on ritalin... well I dont quite use the script the way it should be... I used to snort it in college, i feel like saying that kind of implies more than a couple times but thats all it was was a couple times but adderall is way stronger and though the ritalin helps, taking it by mouth is like eating a breath mint at that strength. Not that I am saying that its right or even the best way, maybe i should ask for ritalin xr but the whole point of it is that she hates it. I dont know if it always bothered her or just now thats she is with me all the time she sees it more and so it scares her... again my doing for trying to get her to understand the gravity of the situation with the blues, which she obviously does or i feel like she wouldnt have such strong feeling on this. Then again maybe she would, I dont know. When we first started talking, or maybe after we had already met I told her that I was out partying with some friends and they had yay and she asked me if i did it and i told her yes... I suppose i could have said no but I dont want to have to hide anything and she didnt comment just said be careful I think... Then the ritalin, which i was actually on a couple months before we met, or maybe just one but it has always been the same since I started it. I used up the script in a few days and then didnt think about it til it was time to refill and even then it wasnt like i marked the days on my calender. Then my sis got her scripts going again and I will admit that that was probably not the best situation... I feel like when I compare myself to my sister I am def not where she is and again just speculation and drawing on previous experience but I dont think I even could be... It has the opposite effect on her as it does me... I think I cant really tell i guess because its hard to judge your own behavior in a situation like that but she even scares me a little bit when she is on it. I mean its just like a person on speed and thats not the effect its suppose to have on people that are suppose to have it. I asked my girl tonight if I was that different on it and she said more talkative and outgoing but nothing crazy and nothing like my sister. My sister just goes on and on and you cant get a word in edgewise unless you tell her to stop and listen to what you have to say and thats normal conversation and she is very edgy, i know i can get that way but i also know that the klonopin helps not only with seizures but to keep that edginess away. What scares her is the way I am a day or two after I run out. I guess I can see that particular behavior and worry and i respect that but i feel like she needs to understand that even if I took it as prescribed and how I am suppose to take it I would go through that, except it would be worse because I would be taking it full time, all the time. my script if for 3x a day every month. I remember the withdrawals from Adderall when i took it for so long exactly as prescribed and it was nothing compared to a day or two of being a little down. Maybe its my own fear of becoming dependent on something again that doesnt allow me to take it like that. That may sound nuts but if you think about it it makes sense, to me at least. I know my limits, especially after dealing with the blues and starting to take that everyday as prescribed would cause a physical dependence that I cant handle right now. It helps me to not feel restless and to be in a better mood, which incidently in rare cases it is used as an antidepressant, i feel like talking more and being more outgoing for a few days is a lot better than the potential physical and eventually mental dependence i would develop from everyday use. Even at the small level im at it would eventually cause that, within a month. Im not ready, im not sure if ill ever be ready to deal with that kind of dependence again. I do doubt myself but only to protect myself from being to sure, the kind of sure that gets you in trouble cause you think youre fine and you let your guard down. Im fairly sure that i will never be in the situation i was in with the blues with anything else. Thats why i get my script and its gone so fast because if im honest with myself and i guess with her I dont want to add another involuntary dependence. I can and have dealt with the good and bad with this situation and maybe it only makes sense to me but I think I would rather have a few good days to focus and be happy and get shit done then worry about the consequences of taking it regularly, note as prescribed. There is no way a few days will cause that dependence, it hasnt in months and im not worried about it starting randomly now... However i will say that I probably should not be hanging out with dorrie when she gets her script. That has become to close together and its one thing for me to use mine because im actually using less with what she uses out of it but I dont need or want the extra that comes from her seemingly endless scripts either. I knew when I had to get away from the blue devil, even though i am a little thick headed and it took me a while. I can honestly say that I have learned a major lesson there and not one I care to repeat. I feel like I will know when I need to step back from this, like for instance what i said about not being around lanae when she gets her scripts. i will concede to that not being a good thing but its again also a testament to knowing my limits so much better now after having lost them so completely before. I guess that tonight made me see that too, the comment about always being with lanae and that being what we do made me look at it differently and reexamine whether or not that was going to be dangerous for me. I understand that i need to make compromises for both of us and i am completely willing to do that but i feel like that has to be on both ends. Like i said I need to be trusted and feel like i do have control over it, I cant let myself be scared of things because of past mistakes. I need this in a way to prove to myself that I can do this, not that I think I will ever be able to do it with blues for instance, i know thats out of the question but in my mind that shows just how much I have learned from that. I cant ever go there, not just once in a while, never. The whole situation with the blues and the company i was keeping and all that til i moved completely tore me down. Im not perfect and i never will be but as dumb as it may seem and again refer to the im not perfect statement and i do things kind of weirdly, this is my own way of proving that im not born to be who my parents were that i wont end up like them and i can do something without worrying that its gonna become a never ending cycle that i feel their lifes were. Maybe thats playing with fire but its also good to know that I have succeeded in many areas that they have failed and this is just another....

So I feel like in the end there will be compromise and everything will be fine because ive been through worse and like i said before i made it through where my parents gave up. Little bit of a sidetrack there but still pertinent. So now that i have been up all night getting this piece of my brain out it is time to go be with the one that i do so trust and know that no matter what we will always find a balance and compromise to any situation... Thats part of the reason I love her so much...