Why does it come to this...

I am not sure what makes someone decide why there life isnt worth it anymore... I can only give my own perspective. Many people think its a selfish act but how selfish is it to give up the rest of ones life and not because of frivolous reasons, have you considered how hard it is to die alone, or even die. We all have thoughts and dreams we want to accomplish. Can you imagine being so hurt that the only thing left for you is to leave. Nothing that made you happy, makes you happy anymore. You are lost and alone, whether real or imagined that is the way you feel. Maybe you were wrong, you didnt give the one you love what they want, despite what they said. The rest of your family is gone... you are stuck in a situation you truly cant see a way out of. If you get to the point where you truly dont want to live anymore, I feel sorry for you, not the family you leave behind. They tend to hide behind BS excuses as to why they couldnt see it or recognize where you were. They had their own lifes going on... no one would say it but I bet that tends to be a reason. I say that with a heavy heart, knowing that the same applies to those I love. I wouldn't say everyone, but those who have know you longest or best would apply. For instance my dads family would probably do a lot if they thought that was where I was headed but my moms family, who has known me my whole life would be slower to react. Weird I suppose, but true.

My ADD has really been tough for me lately. I cant afford to see a doctor for it, and even if I could, I wouldnt be able to afford the medication. Really, $250+ for adderall is ridiculous, and I thought the patent was suppose to be up soon. Its really sick what the pharmaceutical companies get away with, I know I would rather not have to take anything and just be normal. The cost is just an added "Bonus" for me, just to be able to focus like most people. I think I could do great things if I could focus on something for more than 10 seconds. The worst part is I dont even know when I will have the insurance to be able to see a doc and when I do he/she may not be willing to prescribe me the adderall. Its a sad world when those who need it cant get it because of those who "want" it. Either way I need to do something, its not such a big deal while im not really doing anything, although that may be why I have not really been doing anything. Lol. I had to laugh at myself because I started a sentence then my phone went off and when I came back to the sentence I had no idea where I was going with it... Yes it can happen to anyone but such a typical ADD moment.

My sister has been in the hospital for the last 8 days... they moved her from where she was about 45 min south to a bigger hospital. She was in for pneumonia, then they told her she had Mersa, then finally they transferred her for a collapsed lung. I dont personally see the connection between the 3 but I guess thats why Im not a doctor... Anyway she says she is doing better finally, which knowing her could mean anything, she just doesnt want me worrying. I feel bad that she is less than 15 min from the family we grew up in and they still havent visited her. My older sis has been a few times, for which I am thankful.

I was freaking out about how I was going to get all my bills paid... My phone was shut off today but luckily a friend paid it and didnt tell me until they said call me when its on. Now I am worried about my car insurance, it is suppose to come out tomm but tomm is a Sun so im not sure how that works... anyways Im almost $30 short and since Im still on that account with Lo I feel really bad about it taking anything out much less putting it in overdraft. I still need to pay for the last time they took out insurance and another $40 I spent... I am putting my pride aside and asking my step dad if he can help me out so that I can put the cash back... Even though Lo took what seemed like a lot of extra cash out when I had my tax return in there I still feel bad. Besides, im sure she felt that I owed her which im sure I really did, I just feel like she should have told me. I told her as much, so I didnt feel terribly about the last insurance and money I needed to take for the car. I just dont want her to think I am taking advantage because if there were any other way I would do it. The last thing I want is her thinking im not responsible or cant handle myself... It just hit at a bad time in the month.

Im sick of feeling like crap all the time, every morning I wake up wondering why I did. I started a book then realized I already read it... "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom In it this guy tries to kill himself and at one point he says, those who want to die are the ones that have the hardest time doing so. It would be interesting to see what the statistics are for those who die by there own hand and those who dont but by the same method... for instance, how many people shot in the head survive vs. the amount of people who die by self inflicted gunshot to the same area... of course accounting for number differences in both categories. I guess my mom would be a good example of that for me... She tried to OD on pills so many times but then according to the M.E. she just took her meds twice in one night and poof, shes gone. After all she had been through, she dies on the smallest overdose. Of course I have my own theories about that but for now this is case in point.

Anyway, my whole point was on suicide, I just dont agree with the whole selfish thing. Having been at that point myself I know how much pain it takes to get there. The despair and anguish I have felt at that point is unbearable, im sure anyone who saw a way out would take it. The whole point is ending the pain you are in. I think saying it is selfish is just another way of throwing blame rather than accepting it. That being said, there are exceptions to everything. Some people overestimate anothers ability to deal with something they think is "part of life". For instance the loss of a partner or significant other, it happens to everyone at some point or another. What if someone feels like they have lost "the one"... that can mean something different for everyone and probably means more to those who have already found that person. There was a case in the news about an Asian couple, I use the generalization because im not exactly sure of the nationality. Anyway, the woman died, im not sure of the causes, and her husband was absolutely bereft. In the end he went to wherever she was (morgue or funeral home) swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and lay in the crypt with her until her died. I can imagine a lot of people would think this was sick, but I can understand. Having been in a relationship that I feel that strongly about someone, I use present tense because I still do, if that were to have happened I would have done the same. Who would understand but someone who has been that close to someone? Obviously a lot of other factors can work into that or what makes a person commit suicide in general but that is just my very general opinion. As I write this I realize there is really a lot more I could add but for now ill leave it at that....

What a mess.

I need to start a new job, any job cautiously optimistic about Cheese, need to call today to find out what the outcome of my interview and subsequent call to my old GM was. I am no where near patient and so I called myself to my old store and asked what my outcome was when I left. He said everything was good, so it will be interesting to hear any excuses if there are any. Im worried about not having insurance and not being able to get my adderall. I went to get my last script anticipating starting a new job but it had been to long since I dropped it off, so they wanted me to get it rewritten. Ha, it would cost me $250 for the appt, if I could even get a hold of him and then an additional $200+ for the script. Not having health insurance sucks. Ive never been political, but im starting to pay a little bit more attention to the whole health care thing. I don't pretend to know for a second whats best but I know it would help me a hell of a lot if I had insurance and could get the med's I need. I would definitely be more of what people would call a productive member of society. It seems like I focus less as the days go by, and I've developed plenty of bad habits to add to my general lack of focus. I feel like I'm losing my mind, it sucks to not be able to be interested in something for more than a few minutes. It always amazes me that I can even get through an entire post, which is why they tend to be few and far between. I know things need to change but im afraid of getting sick of things so fast that regardless of how much I want the job, I wont be able to keep with it. The more I think about it, the more I realize these last 8 or so months has flown by and I hardly remember any of it. I have become the thing I feared the most and as of now im really not seeing many options for getting out of it. I have plenty of ideas but having ideas and putting them into action are entirely different stories.
I am actually listening to music today, Ive found that for the most part Ive lost interest in things that used to interest me, the most of which being music. It also doesn't help that I am horrible about keeping in touch with people so I've pretty much isolated myself. My sister is not doing well, how you can go from pneumonia to mersa to collapsed lung, is beyond me. I feel like I should be there but im barely hanging on myself and I know I can't afford it. If she wants me there then I will go... Im feeling so much desperation right now, im not even sure what makes me happy anymore. I don't even know why I get out of bed in the morning right now. This isn't exactly where I pictured myself at this point in my life. I guess no one really ever ends up where they think they will. No amount of hiding or burying myself in books will change what my reality is now.

mistakes

"What matters more than the mistakes you make, is what you learn from them" T.I.

New roads on the horizon?

Im not really sure what to make of myself right now... Maybe just because I am reading the books, but I feel like Bella when Edward left her in the forest. I could I have been so stupid, even with being able to see this coming, I did nothing to stop it... i put too much stock in the word of another.. I wonder if she is missing me too. No doubt I am in by far the worst shape I have been in my whole life. Drinking only makes it worse but I feel like ill crumple from the pressure of my own broken heart if I dont black it out somehow. I dont even know how I make it through the day... not that others havent been through this but I feel truly bereft and after 6 months or more you would think I would start seeing the light... I dont know if i cant or dont want too. I just dont feel whole, i dont think i ever will. I cant imagine ever having that type of relationship with anyone. I was told at one point that my lot in life was to suffer for others... is that the whole leaving her alone part, and remaining unhappy to keep others happy? Its nothing less than I deserve, even if I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I have made my mistakes but this is a heavy karmic punishment, even for my behavior... i waiting for my last chance angel next lol. I hope she sees this for what it is, i would be by her side in a heartbeat, but i think she is happier without me. I love her enough to want her happy, even if it kills me. Which it may, i would have thought ive drank enough to put down a horse...I think ive blacked out everynight for the last month or more. The mechanic where i get my car fixed said they lost one of their mechanics too tequila... it took 7 years or more. I cant wait that long, however a passive route ive taken.. and not that it does anything to aid my postition with her. She would think me as weak and worthless as ever. She is mistaking inability as just that when its more like just not seeing what the point is to moving on without her. Im going through the motions, im sure it will take alot to pull me out of that.. if its possible. I wish i had some support or understanding but im pretty much stuck. I want to run away but im afraid of losing even the proximity of her. Why did it take this to realize I was completely lost withhout her, my soul mate. And does she not feel the same? This may be the death of me yet.

Dads family for the first time

" Lately ive been hard to reach, ive been to long on my own, everybody has a private world where they can be alone. Are you calling me, are you tryin to get through, are you reaching out for me, and im reaching out for you." " im just f*ckin depressed I just cant seem to get out this slump, if i could just get out this hump but i need something to get me out this dump i took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and got right back up...."I dont know how or why, or when i ended up in this position im in im starting to feel distant again.... I dont know how i got into this situation again, but I know one thing, ill be one tough act to follow." Not exactly the lyrics but close... Eminem song beautiful perfectly describes how I feel. I just dont think anyone can understand without walking in my shoes... the one I lost. I feel like im just going throug the motions. I wish I could qoute the song but it takes forever, just download it if interested. Meeting my dads family was an experience, I missed them almost as soon as I left. They are the only part of him I have left, I am left with more questions than answers. He may have shot himself, but he lived for a reason and the fact that his gf pulled the plug gives me murderous rage. She had no right and I will hunt her down till the day I die. She had no right and I feel that urge to kill when it comes to her. Movies show the same, you feel that obligation to your parents. He was coming home, maybe she killed him herself, who knows. I can tell you, she will regret ever meeting me thats for sure.

Where Am I?

So, its been a couple months since my last post and im not really sure im any further from that spot... That being said, I didnt re-read it because I probably would be embaressed by what I wrote, it is after all entitled Patron 3/4 bottle... That should say it all. The biggest things that have happened are a family reunion, that I nearly didnt go to, for lack of invitation and that I hadnt talked to grandma in nearly 6 months. Not such a great idea when it comes to family relations. I need to call her now that Im thinking about it. I am currently seething over a situation that happened while I was at said reunion. I left my cats in the car of a neighbor for 1 day and she says she locked the key in the house... She then took it upon herself to have a locksmith come out and change the locks on my door. If that werent enough to piss me off in itself, she then handed me the bill.... $200. Absolutely f*cking ridiculous, they took the old lock and changed a top lock that she told them had no key, which was done purposefully. When I contacted the lock company they of course tried to put all the blame on the neighbor saying they only pushed the door open and she was the one who decided to have the locks changed AFTER the door had been opened. I asked them very specifically if they used any tools at all to open the door and they said no, they simply pushed it open, could someone please explain to me then why she didnt just take the key and say thank you and leave? I need anger management, im ready to strangle someone for this. It may seem petty but really who has $200 dollars to spend on a lock that didnt need changing. That and the fact that this nosey freakin neighbor made a decision without even consulting me. Meddling does not even cover this person, that and she got a hold of someone I work with to take care of my cats because apparently she felt that one day was too much for them to be alone. I have not paid of course and I refuse to do so. This is going to lead to somewhat of a neighborhood feud im sure but seriously, what right did she have? The lock company is just as liable for changing the locks on someones place without even talking to them, just taking the word of a neighbor. I really could go on and on about this but im doing everything I can to make the company pay and if I have to, I will go after the neighbor. Yea it may only be $200 but its also the principle of it and the fact that the damn door looks ridiculous now and Im gonna have to pay for another lock that looks reasonable anyway. Someone is lying, either she is about locking the key in or the company saying that she decided after they simply pushed the door open to change the lock. Ok, still really seeing red about it but ill leave it at that for now.

Anyway, the family reunion, much less stressful then I thought, apparently my sister told my aunt that I was suicidal, my aunt then told my grandmother and I got a phone call that night. No animosity and everyone seemed closer then before at the reunion, the could be the influence of the gin though. It was fun to be around everyone and my sisters, hasnt been that way since mom was alive and we were young. That and I whipped everyone in pool. Guess all that time playing at the rec center with my sister when we were young paid off, for me at least... she still lost to me ha ha. Oh and the more interesting highlight, my sister was staying at my aunts and I at my grandmas, they only live a few blocks apart. So I went to my aunts and my sister and I went to 7-11 a couple streets from my aunts so I could get a phillie and get my sister cigarettes. I got my philly and put it to good use. Rather than smoke in my grandmothers car we decided to sit outside the car in the parking lot behind 7-11 and talk while smoking. We had talked for awhile and one car passed and I got nervous for a second thinking it was a cop, it wasnt... damn paranoia. A little bit passed and I turned to put out my philly... Not even 2 minutes later a bright light was shining on us and I was having a heart attack. The cop got out of his car and asked us our names, I of course was talking as fast as my heart was beating... being under the influence was not helping. I explained that we were just out here talking, that I was staying at my grandmothers and she was staying with my aunt, we just came out to talk. I offered up that I was here from out of state... stupid on my part I know. He asked if we walked and I said no that the car in front of us was mine. He said people dont usually sit behind closed businesses.. I replied that we could leave if he wanted. He said no thats ok, shined the light into the car, where my open container was sitting in a cup holder and then left. Talk about dodging a bullet. I dont know why he didnt see the can or even give us a hard time for that matter, maybe because it was 2 girls? Whatever, new respect for MI cops definitely earned. My sister and I were cracking up after that, she was far calmer then I was, of course she had nothing on her. I was the only idiot there. I hope that was a sign of my luck changing. It was luck for sure.

On another slightly less ridiculous note, I have gotten caught up in the Twilight series. I never watch a movie more than once and im ashamed to admit I have seen Twilight I think 4-5 times and just bought the movie. I also finished the all the books in about 4 days. I hardly consider myself someone to get caught up in things like this but for some reason its got me. I cant wait for New Moon to come out, even though I just cringed thinking that. Whatever, I guess it will be my little guilty pleasure. Im not particularly attracted to anyone in the movie, guess I just wish my life was as exciting. Probably what it is for most people I would think, that and I wish I could write like that. Ive wanted to write a book for so long, I used to write books when I was young, I dont know what happened to the ideas or the creativity but I cant seem to find it now.

So took a little break to go talk to the neighbor about not being happy with the lock, talk about shooting the messenger, she threatened to tell the whole damn neighborhood about not being paid and where I work on top of that... and I didnt even say she wasnt getting paid, I just said I wasnt happy with the lock and the lock company said that she lied. She practically threw me out of the house. I now despise her more, however, my anger is somewhat tempered by the way she reacted before I even had a chance to get angry. She threatened to sic her crazy gun collecting son on me on top of that. Geez people are effin crazy. I need to get out of here... I now know where that saying, drive you to drink comes from.

Part 3 Last Third

I dont know if I will actually get through the last 3rd tonight but it should stand as a testament to my state of mind that I have made it to this point in relatively little time. That being said, pause for another shot. I forgot I already set it up, probably a good indication I dont need it. Bottoms up... I have come to realize if Lo is reading this, it will just reiterate the fact that I am a loser. Not totally irresponsible but still a loser. No wonder she had resorted to emailing me on facebook and myspace rather than just texting or calling, how nice of her to make the effort at all. Again refer to above state of mind..

The sting I feel now, barely touches the pain I feel in my heart. This is the next day, passed out before I could write anymore and consequently post it. Not that im any better state of mind to being writing or posting this morning... Long story, and not morning anymore... 2 15 300 im sorry, ill be back and in the meantme ill watch out

Note: posted draft 6/20/09