So much has happened, I dont even know where to start. Im coming from a mostly clean mind, Ive won some fights but sometimes I feel like im losing the war. Everyday is a struggle and most days end with my wishing I wasnt gonna wake up the next day, then waking up and wondering what the hell im suppose to do with myself. Funny as I read back over these posts I see so clearly now what I should have done, the road I was headed down. As the saying goes hindsight is 20/20. Ive gained and lost so much in the last ten years its hard to comprehend from where Im sitting now. From truly being high on life and sports to being high on everything else. Dealing with that blue devil has consumed me, made my whole life focus all about it. I hate myself for it. Ive lost everything thats important to me. Been robbed twice, lost everything everything ive ever gotten from anyone. Got pictures and clothes left I dont really feel sorry for myself because I can see that I brought it on myself.
Lost Lo, left ed and its me myself and I.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
New Beginnings
It has been a long time since I last posted and with time comes change. The devil on my back has come and gone and come and gone and is in the process of trying to climb back up again. An annoying and wearisome battle to be sure. I moved to another state, back with my family in another attempt to thwart it but im learning that moving only causes your problems to travel. I now have a basement apt at my aunt and uncles which is far better then the last couple years as far as space and comfort. The same loneliness without Lo though. That I fear will never go away. In fact it has been the cause of many a wakeful night trying to figure out what it is I am living for again. I have forgotten what its like to be content and happy. Something I didnt realize I was until I wasnt. Lo said the other day that if I were to do, which I would happily welcome right now, that I would make the seperation permanent. That has merit but Im not sure that the way things are now is much diff. It already feels like a permanent separation and I dont forsee a change in that. I have looked at all sides of that and though I know and have talked about the "selfish" side of that I ultimately think in some situations it is the best thing. Is it not selfish on the part of others to want someone to live in pain and suffering just so they are still alive and available to those who want them there?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
New Job... New Beginnings
So after a looong drawn out period of searching for employment, I am finally working. I had been looking for a long time for anything other than what I was doing with my last steady job. I was at the vets office for a while but that began to wear on me with all the cruelty I saw and the death. I kind of just left one day and never came back. They never even called me to see if I was ok, whatever, I dont think they were the brightest people anyway. After working in the clinic and seeing what has happened and happens behind closed doors I wouldnt bring my cats there. They lost 3 animals the week I left
Note: this was 10/29/09 just decided to post my drafts
Note: this was 10/29/09 just decided to post my drafts
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Why does it come to this...
I am not sure what makes someone decide why there life isnt worth it anymore... I can only give my own perspective. Many people think its a selfish act but how selfish is it to give up the rest of ones life and not because of frivolous reasons, have you considered how hard it is to die alone, or even die. We all have thoughts and dreams we want to accomplish. Can you imagine being so hurt that the only thing left for you is to leave. Nothing that made you happy, makes you happy anymore. You are lost and alone, whether real or imagined that is the way you feel. Maybe you were wrong, you didnt give the one you love what they want, despite what they said. The rest of your family is gone... you are stuck in a situation you truly cant see a way out of. If you get to the point where you truly dont want to live anymore, I feel sorry for you, not the family you leave behind. They tend to hide behind BS excuses as to why they couldnt see it or recognize where you were. They had their own lifes going on... no one would say it but I bet that tends to be a reason. I say that with a heavy heart, knowing that the same applies to those I love. I wouldn't say everyone, but those who have know you longest or best would apply. For instance my dads family would probably do a lot if they thought that was where I was headed but my moms family, who has known me my whole life would be slower to react. Weird I suppose, but true.
My ADD has really been tough for me lately. I cant afford to see a doctor for it, and even if I could, I wouldnt be able to afford the medication. Really, $250+ for adderall is ridiculous, and I thought the patent was suppose to be up soon. Its really sick what the pharmaceutical companies get away with, I know I would rather not have to take anything and just be normal. The cost is just an added "Bonus" for me, just to be able to focus like most people. I think I could do great things if I could focus on something for more than 10 seconds. The worst part is I dont even know when I will have the insurance to be able to see a doc and when I do he/she may not be willing to prescribe me the adderall. Its a sad world when those who need it cant get it because of those who "want" it. Either way I need to do something, its not such a big deal while im not really doing anything, although that may be why I have not really been doing anything. Lol. I had to laugh at myself because I started a sentence then my phone went off and when I came back to the sentence I had no idea where I was going with it... Yes it can happen to anyone but such a typical ADD moment.
My sister has been in the hospital for the last 8 days... they moved her from where she was about 45 min south to a bigger hospital. She was in for pneumonia, then they told her she had Mersa, then finally they transferred her for a collapsed lung. I dont personally see the connection between the 3 but I guess thats why Im not a doctor... Anyway she says she is doing better finally, which knowing her could mean anything, she just doesnt want me worrying. I feel bad that she is less than 15 min from the family we grew up in and they still havent visited her. My older sis has been a few times, for which I am thankful.
I was freaking out about how I was going to get all my bills paid... My phone was shut off today but luckily a friend paid it and didnt tell me until they said call me when its on. Now I am worried about my car insurance, it is suppose to come out tomm but tomm is a Sun so im not sure how that works... anyways Im almost $30 short and since Im still on that account with Lo I feel really bad about it taking anything out much less putting it in overdraft. I still need to pay for the last time they took out insurance and another $40 I spent... I am putting my pride aside and asking my step dad if he can help me out so that I can put the cash back... Even though Lo took what seemed like a lot of extra cash out when I had my tax return in there I still feel bad. Besides, im sure she felt that I owed her which im sure I really did, I just feel like she should have told me. I told her as much, so I didnt feel terribly about the last insurance and money I needed to take for the car. I just dont want her to think I am taking advantage because if there were any other way I would do it. The last thing I want is her thinking im not responsible or cant handle myself... It just hit at a bad time in the month.
Im sick of feeling like crap all the time, every morning I wake up wondering why I did. I started a book then realized I already read it... "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom In it this guy tries to kill himself and at one point he says, those who want to die are the ones that have the hardest time doing so. It would be interesting to see what the statistics are for those who die by there own hand and those who dont but by the same method... for instance, how many people shot in the head survive vs. the amount of people who die by self inflicted gunshot to the same area... of course accounting for number differences in both categories. I guess my mom would be a good example of that for me... She tried to OD on pills so many times but then according to the M.E. she just took her meds twice in one night and poof, shes gone. After all she had been through, she dies on the smallest overdose. Of course I have my own theories about that but for now this is case in point.
Anyway, my whole point was on suicide, I just dont agree with the whole selfish thing. Having been at that point myself I know how much pain it takes to get there. The despair and anguish I have felt at that point is unbearable, im sure anyone who saw a way out would take it. The whole point is ending the pain you are in. I think saying it is selfish is just another way of throwing blame rather than accepting it. That being said, there are exceptions to everything. Some people overestimate anothers ability to deal with something they think is "part of life". For instance the loss of a partner or significant other, it happens to everyone at some point or another. What if someone feels like they have lost "the one"... that can mean something different for everyone and probably means more to those who have already found that person. There was a case in the news about an Asian couple, I use the generalization because im not exactly sure of the nationality. Anyway, the woman died, im not sure of the causes, and her husband was absolutely bereft. In the end he went to wherever she was (morgue or funeral home) swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and lay in the crypt with her until her died. I can imagine a lot of people would think this was sick, but I can understand. Having been in a relationship that I feel that strongly about someone, I use present tense because I still do, if that were to have happened I would have done the same. Who would understand but someone who has been that close to someone? Obviously a lot of other factors can work into that or what makes a person commit suicide in general but that is just my very general opinion. As I write this I realize there is really a lot more I could add but for now ill leave it at that....
My ADD has really been tough for me lately. I cant afford to see a doctor for it, and even if I could, I wouldnt be able to afford the medication. Really, $250+ for adderall is ridiculous, and I thought the patent was suppose to be up soon. Its really sick what the pharmaceutical companies get away with, I know I would rather not have to take anything and just be normal. The cost is just an added "Bonus" for me, just to be able to focus like most people. I think I could do great things if I could focus on something for more than 10 seconds. The worst part is I dont even know when I will have the insurance to be able to see a doc and when I do he/she may not be willing to prescribe me the adderall. Its a sad world when those who need it cant get it because of those who "want" it. Either way I need to do something, its not such a big deal while im not really doing anything, although that may be why I have not really been doing anything. Lol. I had to laugh at myself because I started a sentence then my phone went off and when I came back to the sentence I had no idea where I was going with it... Yes it can happen to anyone but such a typical ADD moment.
My sister has been in the hospital for the last 8 days... they moved her from where she was about 45 min south to a bigger hospital. She was in for pneumonia, then they told her she had Mersa, then finally they transferred her for a collapsed lung. I dont personally see the connection between the 3 but I guess thats why Im not a doctor... Anyway she says she is doing better finally, which knowing her could mean anything, she just doesnt want me worrying. I feel bad that she is less than 15 min from the family we grew up in and they still havent visited her. My older sis has been a few times, for which I am thankful.
I was freaking out about how I was going to get all my bills paid... My phone was shut off today but luckily a friend paid it and didnt tell me until they said call me when its on. Now I am worried about my car insurance, it is suppose to come out tomm but tomm is a Sun so im not sure how that works... anyways Im almost $30 short and since Im still on that account with Lo I feel really bad about it taking anything out much less putting it in overdraft. I still need to pay for the last time they took out insurance and another $40 I spent... I am putting my pride aside and asking my step dad if he can help me out so that I can put the cash back... Even though Lo took what seemed like a lot of extra cash out when I had my tax return in there I still feel bad. Besides, im sure she felt that I owed her which im sure I really did, I just feel like she should have told me. I told her as much, so I didnt feel terribly about the last insurance and money I needed to take for the car. I just dont want her to think I am taking advantage because if there were any other way I would do it. The last thing I want is her thinking im not responsible or cant handle myself... It just hit at a bad time in the month.
Im sick of feeling like crap all the time, every morning I wake up wondering why I did. I started a book then realized I already read it... "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom In it this guy tries to kill himself and at one point he says, those who want to die are the ones that have the hardest time doing so. It would be interesting to see what the statistics are for those who die by there own hand and those who dont but by the same method... for instance, how many people shot in the head survive vs. the amount of people who die by self inflicted gunshot to the same area... of course accounting for number differences in both categories. I guess my mom would be a good example of that for me... She tried to OD on pills so many times but then according to the M.E. she just took her meds twice in one night and poof, shes gone. After all she had been through, she dies on the smallest overdose. Of course I have my own theories about that but for now this is case in point.
Anyway, my whole point was on suicide, I just dont agree with the whole selfish thing. Having been at that point myself I know how much pain it takes to get there. The despair and anguish I have felt at that point is unbearable, im sure anyone who saw a way out would take it. The whole point is ending the pain you are in. I think saying it is selfish is just another way of throwing blame rather than accepting it. That being said, there are exceptions to everything. Some people overestimate anothers ability to deal with something they think is "part of life". For instance the loss of a partner or significant other, it happens to everyone at some point or another. What if someone feels like they have lost "the one"... that can mean something different for everyone and probably means more to those who have already found that person. There was a case in the news about an Asian couple, I use the generalization because im not exactly sure of the nationality. Anyway, the woman died, im not sure of the causes, and her husband was absolutely bereft. In the end he went to wherever she was (morgue or funeral home) swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and lay in the crypt with her until her died. I can imagine a lot of people would think this was sick, but I can understand. Having been in a relationship that I feel that strongly about someone, I use present tense because I still do, if that were to have happened I would have done the same. Who would understand but someone who has been that close to someone? Obviously a lot of other factors can work into that or what makes a person commit suicide in general but that is just my very general opinion. As I write this I realize there is really a lot more I could add but for now ill leave it at that....
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
What a mess.
I need to start a new job, any job cautiously optimistic about Cheese, need to call today to find out what the outcome of my interview and subsequent call to my old GM was. I am no where near patient and so I called myself to my old store and asked what my outcome was when I left. He said everything was good, so it will be interesting to hear any excuses if there are any. Im worried about not having insurance and not being able to get my adderall. I went to get my last script anticipating starting a new job but it had been to long since I dropped it off, so they wanted me to get it rewritten. Ha, it would cost me $250 for the appt, if I could even get a hold of him and then an additional $200+ for the script. Not having health insurance sucks. Ive never been political, but im starting to pay a little bit more attention to the whole health care thing. I don't pretend to know for a second whats best but I know it would help me a hell of a lot if I had insurance and could get the med's I need. I would definitely be more of what people would call a productive member of society. It seems like I focus less as the days go by, and I've developed plenty of bad habits to add to my general lack of focus. I feel like I'm losing my mind, it sucks to not be able to be interested in something for more than a few minutes. It always amazes me that I can even get through an entire post, which is why they tend to be few and far between. I know things need to change but im afraid of getting sick of things so fast that regardless of how much I want the job, I wont be able to keep with it. The more I think about it, the more I realize these last 8 or so months has flown by and I hardly remember any of it. I have become the thing I feared the most and as of now im really not seeing many options for getting out of it. I have plenty of ideas but having ideas and putting them into action are entirely different stories.
I am actually listening to music today, Ive found that for the most part Ive lost interest in things that used to interest me, the most of which being music. It also doesn't help that I am horrible about keeping in touch with people so I've pretty much isolated myself. My sister is not doing well, how you can go from pneumonia to mersa to collapsed lung, is beyond me. I feel like I should be there but im barely hanging on myself and I know I can't afford it. If she wants me there then I will go... Im feeling so much desperation right now, im not even sure what makes me happy anymore. I don't even know why I get out of bed in the morning right now. This isn't exactly where I pictured myself at this point in my life. I guess no one really ever ends up where they think they will. No amount of hiding or burying myself in books will change what my reality is now.
I am actually listening to music today, Ive found that for the most part Ive lost interest in things that used to interest me, the most of which being music. It also doesn't help that I am horrible about keeping in touch with people so I've pretty much isolated myself. My sister is not doing well, how you can go from pneumonia to mersa to collapsed lung, is beyond me. I feel like I should be there but im barely hanging on myself and I know I can't afford it. If she wants me there then I will go... Im feeling so much desperation right now, im not even sure what makes me happy anymore. I don't even know why I get out of bed in the morning right now. This isn't exactly where I pictured myself at this point in my life. I guess no one really ever ends up where they think they will. No amount of hiding or burying myself in books will change what my reality is now.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
New roads on the horizon?
Im not really sure what to make of myself right now... Maybe just because I am reading the books, but I feel like Bella when Edward left her in the forest. I could I have been so stupid, even with being able to see this coming, I did nothing to stop it... i put too much stock in the word of another.. I wonder if she is missing me too. No doubt I am in by far the worst shape I have been in my whole life. Drinking only makes it worse but I feel like ill crumple from the pressure of my own broken heart if I dont black it out somehow. I dont even know how I make it through the day... not that others havent been through this but I feel truly bereft and after 6 months or more you would think I would start seeing the light... I dont know if i cant or dont want too. I just dont feel whole, i dont think i ever will. I cant imagine ever having that type of relationship with anyone. I was told at one point that my lot in life was to suffer for others... is that the whole leaving her alone part, and remaining unhappy to keep others happy? Its nothing less than I deserve, even if I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I have made my mistakes but this is a heavy karmic punishment, even for my behavior... i waiting for my last chance angel next lol. I hope she sees this for what it is, i would be by her side in a heartbeat, but i think she is happier without me. I love her enough to want her happy, even if it kills me. Which it may, i would have thought ive drank enough to put down a horse...I think ive blacked out everynight for the last month or more. The mechanic where i get my car fixed said they lost one of their mechanics too tequila... it took 7 years or more. I cant wait that long, however a passive route ive taken.. and not that it does anything to aid my postition with her. She would think me as weak and worthless as ever. She is mistaking inability as just that when its more like just not seeing what the point is to moving on without her. Im going through the motions, im sure it will take alot to pull me out of that.. if its possible. I wish i had some support or understanding but im pretty much stuck. I want to run away but im afraid of losing even the proximity of her. Why did it take this to realize I was completely lost withhout her, my soul mate. And does she not feel the same? This may be the death of me yet.
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