Love and war?

Love and War?

How does the saying go... alls fair in love and war. That may be true but to whose detriment. I feel like someone always loses and its probably not the one who made the statement in the first place. How do you explain to someone that they mean everything to you but youre flawed. You can tell them and even try to warn them away no matter how much it hurts you but in the end I think people always want to find the good in others and think they can bring that out or save them if thats the case... Im sure this happens but more often then not I think someone gets hurt because they think that when they dont succeed it is a flaw on their part. I suppose you see it more with girls who go for bad girls or girls who go for bad guys. Most think they are gonna be the one too change them and then they dont and things are usually not good for the ones who cant change but what about the ones who cant be changed? I feel like it takes a really strong person to accept and deal with major flaws in a person, whether that be cheating or drinking or drugs or any other vice there is. I think that most people that fall into that "bad girl" category want to change, maybe they just havent found someone strong enough or patient enough to deal with it. Thats a scary thing to think about, you find someone, speaking from a person that needs to be changed, and you start to think that this person can deal with it and even if you put everything up front and they know I think they are still never really prepared for the kind of situation you are worried about and they want to change in you or keep you from falling into... In my case, if youve read my other posts you know my major battle was the blue devil... I thought that would never end, two years of my life spent trying to survive for nothing other than that. Everything I did was in some way related to trying to keep the devil on my back or trying to get it off. Far more time was spent trying to keep it on if im gonna be honest. Then I got sick of it and realized that the only way to keep it off was to get away and so I did. I moved 1000+ miles away from the life I had known since moving away from home. To be honest I wasnt leaving much at that point, I had shunned so much in my single mindedness for blues. I was truly on my own and I know I put myself there. All I could do was go home with my tail between my legs and hope that the agony would somehow end there. In retrospect I think it was by far one of the hardest things ive ever done in my life. I left without a backward glance on a moments notice and feeling like I had completely failed at life. I came home and felt like shit for a couple months at least, then I managed to find a couple connections, not to blues at first but vics and the like. Which to anyone who has suffered through WDs knows is like the next best thing to blues themselves. Then eventually like an idiot I got online and found a connection for blues. I dont even know why, I think looking back now I was feeling ok, not good but better then i was when i left. I just couldnt be happy, I felt like I forgot how to even smile. The only time I could even muster it was when I felt like I needed to for my family. So began the cycle of getting blues from online, at first it wasnt so bad but like it always does it gets its claws in you and youre right back where you started before you even know what hit you. I started the damn cycle of getting a shipment then going through withdrawals if I couldnt afford another one or if I had to wait to long for the next. I couldnt believe that even from a thousand miles away I had managed to do exactly the thing I had run away from. I can remember the last time I actually got them, It was my birthday of this year and when I ran out I was feeling like shit, driving home from my sisters and taking 100mg morphine just to try to feel like I was gonna make it through the day.

Then it happened, as it usually does when you are not expecting it, I started to talk to someone online, i know very cliche these days,but still... I started talking to her and eventually texting and suddenly I wasnt thinking about blues anymore, I wasnt thinking about anything but her. She completely captured my attention and I was totally blindsided. Suddenly I wanted to go out again and be alive again and not stay in the same basement I had been in for nearly six months. I feel like my body healed because my mind did now that i think about it. She patched something that had been long broken and I wasnt even sure what it was that was broken at the time. Im pretty sure now, again pardon the cliche, that it was my heart and spirit, and along with that my will to live. This was only talking through text but I just felt like I knew her and I felt like she felt the same way. She got me in ways that I didnt think were possible to get a person without years of getting to know them. I knew it before I met her, in person that is, that I was gonna fall hard and even though it was a scary and dangerous position for someone like me to be in considering my recent break from a long scary journey and the fragility that was still so painfully obvious to me.... If things went bad they could send me right back down and probably further then where i was before if thats possible. But I didnt even think about it, I just went with it I had to, I felt this compulsion to know her that I still dont understand. Within a couple weeks I felt like we had been together for a long time and I felt better than I had in well, two years at least. Probably more like four to be honest because it was just her and I not the triangle I dealt with for so long with Lo and Ed. I didnt feel any pretense to be something or someone I wasnt and I reveled in that freedom to finally be myself. I told her things before we even met that would have taken me years to tell other people, I was totally honest with her about myself even stupid things. I just wanted to say everything that was me because I felt like I hadnt even been me in so long that by telling her I was also rediscovering and remembering the person I used to be, that I wanted to be. I felt very free but at the same time we hadnt even met in person and even though I pretty much ignored that minor detail it still made me a bit nervous. Eventually the time came to meet though because we were already in as far as we could go without meeting each other and deciding whether or not to pursue it which seemed like a rather ludicrous thought considering how close we already were. I remember driving there and not really feeling a bit nervous. I should have, I've only met someone online once and that was very short lived and I had so much more at stake with this. Though I didn't want to admit it at the time my heart was already slipping to this girl felt like I knew forever but really didn't know that well at all. I really digress from the whole point of this post but I thought background was good. Too make a long story short we met and were completely in love within a month. It may sound crazy, he'll we said it was crazy many times but it was good and suddenly I felt like I was high. As close to a blues high as you can get without putting chemicals in your body that aren't naturally there. I was shocked, I hadn't thought about blues since she and I started talking and now I was feeling that way without having touched anything, except well her of course... Again I digress. Anyway I have quiet the sordid past and since I wanted to be myself and not have to worry or keep secrets I told her everything. The best and the worst of it though I feel that there was/is far more worse then there is best. I told her about the blues, where I had been, being sick... even Ed and how I met him which I dont think anyone except Lo knew. It was freeing and terrifying at the same time. I wasnt trying to push her away but I wanted her to know what she was getting into too, with the struggle that I had gone through with the blues and was honestly just getting out of. I had already hurt enough people with it and I didnt want her to be one of those people. Maybe I dont give myself enough credit, as she always says but Ive learned from my many battles to stay clean that it is a life long process.

Now back to the original point of the whole post, you find that person that says despite all that you have told them that they love you enough to deal with it. But is it fair? I mean she would say once again i dont give myself enough credit but I upset her last night and tonight and its indirectly about blues but not. I suppose I did this to myself by being so dramatic about the potential issues I face but I felt like I had to put it all out on the table and let her decide... At least I thought I did, put it all out that is... But im realizing that by focusing on what I thought was the most pertinent and most relationship deciding thing for her I left out other parts of me. Not intentionally but nonetheless I did and tonight I felt the sting of that. I dont ever want to be someone im not again, it made my life miserable and nearly ended it. However with that being said I also dont want to be someone that she isnt happy to be with. I feel like i keep messing up by trying to protect her from things that maybe I underestimate her strength on. And then there are the things that worry her that i screw up on too and whether its explanation or just stupid comments which by the way I am quite adept at. I feel like ive made a huge mistake though without realizing it, and something she said tonight made me realize it and scared me. If youve followed my previous posts then you know that I was on adderall for quite a while, then off for a while then when i got back home after a couple months they put me on ritalin... well I dont quite use the script the way it should be... I used to snort it in college, i feel like saying that kind of implies more than a couple times but thats all it was was a couple times but adderall is way stronger and though the ritalin helps, taking it by mouth is like eating a breath mint at that strength. Not that I am saying that its right or even the best way, maybe i should ask for ritalin xr but the whole point of it is that she hates it. I dont know if it always bothered her or just now thats she is with me all the time she sees it more and so it scares her... again my doing for trying to get her to understand the gravity of the situation with the blues, which she obviously does or i feel like she wouldnt have such strong feeling on this. Then again maybe she would, I dont know. When we first started talking, or maybe after we had already met I told her that I was out partying with some friends and they had yay and she asked me if i did it and i told her yes... I suppose i could have said no but I dont want to have to hide anything and she didnt comment just said be careful I think... Then the ritalin, which i was actually on a couple months before we met, or maybe just one but it has always been the same since I started it. I used up the script in a few days and then didnt think about it til it was time to refill and even then it wasnt like i marked the days on my calender. Then my sis got her scripts going again and I will admit that that was probably not the best situation... I feel like when I compare myself to my sister I am def not where she is and again just speculation and drawing on previous experience but I dont think I even could be... It has the opposite effect on her as it does me... I think I cant really tell i guess because its hard to judge your own behavior in a situation like that but she even scares me a little bit when she is on it. I mean its just like a person on speed and thats not the effect its suppose to have on people that are suppose to have it. I asked my girl tonight if I was that different on it and she said more talkative and outgoing but nothing crazy and nothing like my sister. My sister just goes on and on and you cant get a word in edgewise unless you tell her to stop and listen to what you have to say and thats normal conversation and she is very edgy, i know i can get that way but i also know that the klonopin helps not only with seizures but to keep that edginess away. What scares her is the way I am a day or two after I run out. I guess I can see that particular behavior and worry and i respect that but i feel like she needs to understand that even if I took it as prescribed and how I am suppose to take it I would go through that, except it would be worse because I would be taking it full time, all the time. my script if for 3x a day every month. I remember the withdrawals from Adderall when i took it for so long exactly as prescribed and it was nothing compared to a day or two of being a little down. Maybe its my own fear of becoming dependent on something again that doesnt allow me to take it like that. That may sound nuts but if you think about it it makes sense, to me at least. I know my limits, especially after dealing with the blues and starting to take that everyday as prescribed would cause a physical dependence that I cant handle right now. It helps me to not feel restless and to be in a better mood, which incidently in rare cases it is used as an antidepressant, i feel like talking more and being more outgoing for a few days is a lot better than the potential physical and eventually mental dependence i would develop from everyday use. Even at the small level im at it would eventually cause that, within a month. Im not ready, im not sure if ill ever be ready to deal with that kind of dependence again. I do doubt myself but only to protect myself from being to sure, the kind of sure that gets you in trouble cause you think youre fine and you let your guard down. Im fairly sure that i will never be in the situation i was in with the blues with anything else. Thats why i get my script and its gone so fast because if im honest with myself and i guess with her I dont want to add another involuntary dependence. I can and have dealt with the good and bad with this situation and maybe it only makes sense to me but I think I would rather have a few good days to focus and be happy and get shit done then worry about the consequences of taking it regularly, note as prescribed. There is no way a few days will cause that dependence, it hasnt in months and im not worried about it starting randomly now... However i will say that I probably should not be hanging out with dorrie when she gets her script. That has become to close together and its one thing for me to use mine because im actually using less with what she uses out of it but I dont need or want the extra that comes from her seemingly endless scripts either. I knew when I had to get away from the blue devil, even though i am a little thick headed and it took me a while. I can honestly say that I have learned a major lesson there and not one I care to repeat. I feel like I will know when I need to step back from this, like for instance what i said about not being around lanae when she gets her scripts. i will concede to that not being a good thing but its again also a testament to knowing my limits so much better now after having lost them so completely before. I guess that tonight made me see that too, the comment about always being with lanae and that being what we do made me look at it differently and reexamine whether or not that was going to be dangerous for me. I understand that i need to make compromises for both of us and i am completely willing to do that but i feel like that has to be on both ends. Like i said I need to be trusted and feel like i do have control over it, I cant let myself be scared of things because of past mistakes. I need this in a way to prove to myself that I can do this, not that I think I will ever be able to do it with blues for instance, i know thats out of the question but in my mind that shows just how much I have learned from that. I cant ever go there, not just once in a while, never. The whole situation with the blues and the company i was keeping and all that til i moved completely tore me down. Im not perfect and i never will be but as dumb as it may seem and again refer to the im not perfect statement and i do things kind of weirdly, this is my own way of proving that im not born to be who my parents were that i wont end up like them and i can do something without worrying that its gonna become a never ending cycle that i feel their lifes were. Maybe thats playing with fire but its also good to know that I have succeeded in many areas that they have failed and this is just another....

So I feel like in the end there will be compromise and everything will be fine because ive been through worse and like i said before i made it through where my parents gave up. Little bit of a sidetrack there but still pertinent. So now that i have been up all night getting this piece of my brain out it is time to go be with the one that i do so trust and know that no matter what we will always find a balance and compromise to any situation... Thats part of the reason I love her so much...

So the Journey continues whether we want it to or not

I cant believe I have been back home for 6 months now. I feel like I just got here in terms of what I have actually accomplished. I suppose if I really think about it I am in a better position now then I was when I left FL but I feel so helpless here. And def like a ghost of the person I was 10 years ago when I first left home. Its weird because its like all the people around me have changed and yet the environment and expectations are the same. I am so sick of pretending that I am the same whole person I was when I left. Im not, no one sees the shell of who I used to be, either than or they ignore it. I dont know if I really care anymore, my own disguise is failing and I am forgetting to put up the fake me which just confuses everyone and they attribute it to a bad day. How could I the one with so much potential, with the college athletic and academic scholarships turn out to be the most messed up of all my siblings. It wasnt suppose to happen this way. Shit my younger sister is 26 with a 5 year old and living on welfare but I still think she is more well adjusted than I am. I dont know who said it now but they said what I have been thinking all along, they thought I was the well adjusted one, the college athlete/ graduate and one with the determination to make it and I know better. My sisters may not have have the same oppurtunites as I have but apparently they took advantage of them. Even with all I had going for me I made a couple bad decisions and threw my life away. I know its not over but it feels that way. I lost the only person who probably would have done anything for me and the bitch of it is I dont blame her. I wouldnt have wanted to be with me that way either. I say now that I was young and stupid and to a large degree its very true. As ive gotten older ive come to appreciate the true beauty of what we had and the complete lack of love and respect that I showed that. I broke her heart so many times. It makes me want to cry just thinking about all the stupid shit I did. The worst part is that much of it is unforgivable, at least in my eyes, it would take a big person to look past that stuff and give me another chance and I dont know that I really deserve one, even if I know I would never make those mistakes again. She doesnt know. Many times I think she isnt nearly as happy as she was when she was happy with me. Not when I was being an immature ass but when we were happy together, out having fun, running by the beach, mountain biking, traveling, happy smokey and piggin out. The time we had smoked so much and had a huge dinner and less than half an hour later she asked me if we ate and I told her no and she ate a whole nother dinner. Holding our newborn nephew and watching him grow, getting to spend time with him in FL, taking him to the ocean for the first time. Being there are as some of the most important people in our lives died, my mother and great grandmother, her grandmother and dog daisy that she had had forever. Our best friend TJ. A lot of sorrow we survived together. A lot of trauma we made it through, I never thought there would be something we couldnt survive and I put all my stock in that and thats why I am so broken now. I had 100% complete trust in this person, would have gladly put my life in her hands and would have jumped in front of a bullet for her and the whole time it was me who was killing her slowly. I can remember when we broke up for the first time and she was sitting in the bathroom with razor blades threatening to kill herself. I didnt leave, no matter how wrong it was, no matter who I was dating, even though we werent together we were and every night I spent away was another sword through her heart. Even though I told her I would never leave her for anyone she couldnt put that complete trust in me. I screwed around but I came home to the same bed every night. No one ever compared to her in any way and I realized at some point that thats what I was comparing everyone too. I took for granted that she would always be there and when I finally settled down she would be there to settle down with me. No amount of spoken apologies will likely make up for all the heartbreak I caused and yet I know that if I dont get to be with her again Ill just keep finding out what I always knew, there is no one else like her and there never will be.

Interestingly I used to have these dreams early in our relationship and periodically throughout it that she was going to leave me and no matter what I said would make no difference. They used to upset me so much that I would wake her and she would promise me over and over that no matter what she would never leave me. I should have paid attention to those dreams, it was my subconscious warning me that thats exactly where my behavior was heading our relationship too. Occasionally I will have dreams now that we get back together but I cant tell anymore if its wishful thinking. I asked my best friend one time if she thought I would ever find anyone better than her and she said no. She was so right.

I dont want to live in the world without her, I just have to decide if her existence in this life is enough. I spend far more time in our past memories than I do in the times that are happening now. I get out of bed everyday and I consider that an accomplishment. If I can get of the basement apt im in in a day thats another accomplishment. My life is being measured in accomplishments that most people think of as second nature, things they do on the way to their accomplishments. Its not that I want to feel this way, I just dont know what to do to get out of it. Half the time I feel selfish for it and the other half I feel helpless. I seem to be best at hurting the ones that love me, whether they are aware of it yet or not.

I have such a long journey in front of me to even become a shadow of the former person I was. I smile when someone catches the grimace that seems permanently etched on my face. I do things so that everyone thinks im ok, but no one realizes what a shell of the person I was I am now. I feel like there is some barrier between the feelings that hit me and the actual feeling of them. Someone took the substance out of me and forgot to replace it with anything. I cant even remember the last time I was truly happy without any chemical assistance and even that offers no happiness anymore, just a numbness that is as close as I come. I say I dont really care but I guess that isnt entirely true either I worry about my family and the effect my downfall has had on them. They are supportive and do whatever they can but I follow through just to keep them happy, to keep them from worrying. Sometimes I think I make the effort just so they will leave me alone and believe the facade that I have worked so carefully to construct and maintain. Thats the thing about facades though, they arent the real you and eventually that will come out. I think my family wants so badly for me to be the person they thought I would turn out to be that they turn a blind eye to a lot of the stupid shit I am doing. They are a prayer will fix everything type of family and I dont even believe in that stuff.

I know I sound like im whining, I am very lucky to have a family like mine and even though we have difference of opinion they would do whatever they could to help me be happy again. Its just that none of them can heal a broken heart and thats truly what I need. I dont really think any of them truly understand how hurt I am. All my aunts and uncles and grandparents have been married forever. They dont understand the concept of having your heart broken to the point it leaves you laying on the floor with nothing but the breath escaping your lips to let someone know you are alive. I know it is possible to die of a broken heart, I just keep wondering why it hasnt happened to me yet.

I know a while I posted an opinion on the topic of suicide. I have a lot of info on the subject as both my parents committed suicide. I dont think I ever understood it until now. I was angry at one time and thought it was selfish of them too but now that I understand what they were going through and the similarity to my own situation I think that I am happy for the peace they attained. Even though I miss them both I know that even if death is simply a lack of existence, a nothing. It lacks the pain of life and thats the draw for many. I think as I stated before that I think the selfishness comes from the people who insist they stay because their sadness would be an issue yet the sadness that person goes through every day is not of concern. Everyone has a life and eventually they get sick of worrying or taking care of the person who wants to end their life but then sit there and say what could I have done. I dont want to be seen as the pathetic or depressed person, the perpetual burden and hardly fun to be around. As I mentioned before I spend far more time in my memories than I do in the present. In fact I think I would be hard pressed to come up with a specific memory from the last six months. Despite the cliche I feel like Bella in New Moon after she loses Edward. I am sitting in the chair watching the months and seasons pass but the chair keeps spinning and there is no Jacob to heal anything. What scares me is that there may never be, I will always compare everyone to her and no one will measure up. I may settle but it will never be her and that will always weigh on my mind and effect the person I "settle" with. Thats hardly fair.

However as my title says, life will go on whether I want it to or not. I know I have the choice to end it and it is something that I have both tried (you would not believe how difficult it is to kill yourself, painlessly at least) and will continue to consider it an option and in the meantime I hope that this endless spiral down will eventually follow the law of what goes down must come up. Im sick of measuring my life in times that I have something to dull or help the pain and spending the rest of the time thinking about how im going to aquire those things. I hate the person I have become and only hope that fate intervenes and gives me one more chance to do it right. I cant say that I wont screw that chance up too but I will sure as hell try my best to recognize it and make the best of it. I know there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse but its hard to think about that when you only know and understand the situation you are in, or not understand it. Its hard to empathize with a situation you have never experienced.

Ritalin Vs. Adderall Instant releases

Before I begin, a little note: I am prescribed Ritalin for ADD and I am an adult, my experiences may not hold true for the younger people on these meds. I also have no training or degree in Pharmacology or chemistry, these are strictly personal observations. I was also on a pretty good prescription coverage insurance program that allowed me to get my Adderall at a twenty dollar co-pay. After the loss of that insurance I am making due with the resources I have.

So after being switched from Adderall XR to Ritalin IR I thought I would offer my two cents. Ive done a little research online and havent been able to find the answers I was looking for so here is my observation. First of all Adderall is way more expensive then it has a right to be. I mean if you dont have insurance you are looking at least $200 a month in script cost and thats if you take it once a day. If you are suppose to take it more than once a day you are screwed. That being said I do think that Adderall is superior to Ritalin in many ways. My first complaint with Ritalin is the come down. I am sure that many would agree with me here. I have heard in my research that Ritalin has come to be referred to as Diet Coke and I can see why. At least in terms of craving more as the effects wear off it is a dead ringer for coke. In terms of effect on the brain Ritalin effects the brain in nearly the same way as cocaine. I havent noticed a marked improvement in terms of concentration as I did with Adderall. Conversely Adderall effects the brain more in the way of meth and since both Cocaine and Meth have the effect of craving more once the effects wear off I am wondering why it is so much more pronounced with Ritalin.

Once upon a time before I actually had a legit prescription for either I did experiment with Ritalin and found almost the same effect in a compulsion to continue use as the positive effects wore off. Even though they were not XR I still found they had a rather peak and valley effect. As a side comment it was a good thing I had a very limited supply of pills because I probably would have continued use til they were gone. Although this is another topic entirely I will say I probably had the best athletic practice ever in terms of performance.

With Adderall I never had a compulsion to re dose when I felt the effects begin to wear off. I was also far more focused on what I was doing with adderall yet with Ritalin I feel somewhat scatterbrained in I can start something and pay attention to it for a while but soon feel a desire to move onto something else whether what I was doing was finished or not, not unlike the effects of ADD without the help of meds. Part of that for me was the interruption of that desire or perhaps a better term would be a compulsion to do more to continue to stay on task. On Ritalin I tend to feel like after a half an hour to and hour the feeling is closer to taking massive amounts of caffeine than anything productive. I have seen in my other reading a reference to Ritalin as little more than glorified caffeine and though I would not necessarily agree with that I will say they do have their similarities.

Also with adderall the after effects are not nearly as unpleasant. Not only does ritalin have that nasty compulsion to do more but if you do not you do tend to feel more or less like you have had way to much caffeine and are all revved up with nothing you could possibly concentrate on enough to actually do. Again I have never noticed that effect with adderall.

Im sure there are a lot more observations that I have neglected to address here but feel free to add your comments or experiences and if I think of anything else I will add another post about it. In general though I feel way more whacked out on ritalin then I ever did on Adderall and felt like Adderall actually did what it was suppose to and well, without the negative effects. Just my opinion. Despite the cost, if you can afford it I would say Adderall is by far the better choice but again to each their own.

Late Night Writing

Every night I stare at the ceiling, the walls, anything not to close my eyes.
Anything not to see you in my eyes.
I feel the pain, its turned to a constant strain.
Death is lurking nearby trying to pull me down. Trying to offer its sweet relief, im almost won over in my belief.
From all these things I try to protect myself, sit back and put it on the shelf.
But it all keeps tumbling and im still crumbling.
I lay and pray that somehow I wont live to see another day but it doesnt work that way and still I live to see each new day..
Its a curse that I live to write this new verse.
Thinking I dont belong here and how that all seems so clear and yet I still stay in the hopes that ill find a way to make this pain fade, to see that I have it made.
You have me in your grips and I dont know if I can handle this.

You see my crying, you see me dying.
You know this pain, you can see it plain.
You see what I lack but you wont give it back.
Im dead to you, you can see right through.
My heart is bleeding but im still needing you.
Ill lay here and burn cause I never seem to learn
that no matter how hard I try it will always be a lie
that you cant believe, the thing that made you leave
The thing that makes me see that youre to good for me

So get away while you can, here ill even count to ten
Go now, run, head toward the sun and stay in the light
that I could never keep bright.
My life will pass and I may finish last
but thats never what I wanted for you and you can believe thats true.

Your last smile will have to last me a while
Til I can step outside and not have to hide.
Your shadow will never be far behind
and ill always be here if you want me to make you mine
I doubt it will ever be true but either way Ill always have a thing for you.

These lines are in front of me and I want to see more.
More and more til I hit the floor.
No twitch while I sit and bitch
about what I lost and what it cost.
The tears and fears of the last 8 years
fill me with loss that I just cant toss away.
Its a crime in a way but I still have to pay even if it was my choice to stay.
Just take me away, just let me lay,
let my life pass by, just let me die.

Amazing the perspective time gives

So much has happened, I dont even know where to start. Im coming from a mostly clean mind, Ive won some fights but sometimes I feel like im losing the war. Everyday is a struggle and most days end with my wishing I wasnt gonna wake up the next day, then waking up and wondering what the hell im suppose to do with myself. Funny as I read back over these posts I see so clearly now what I should have done, the road I was headed down. As the saying goes hindsight is 20/20. Ive gained and lost so much in the last ten years its hard to comprehend from where Im sitting now. From truly being high on life and sports to being high on everything else. Dealing with that blue devil has consumed me, made my whole life focus all about it. I hate myself for it. Ive lost everything thats important to me. Been robbed twice, lost everything everything ive ever gotten from anyone. Got pictures and clothes left I dont really feel sorry for myself because I can see that I brought it on myself.

Lost Lo, left ed and its me myself and I.

New Beginnings

It has been a long time since I last posted and with time comes change. The devil on my back has come and gone and come and gone and is in the process of trying to climb back up again. An annoying and wearisome battle to be sure. I moved to another state, back with my family in another attempt to thwart it but im learning that moving only causes your problems to travel. I now have a basement apt at my aunt and uncles which is far better then the last couple years as far as space and comfort. The same loneliness without Lo though. That I fear will never go away. In fact it has been the cause of many a wakeful night trying to figure out what it is I am living for again. I have forgotten what its like to be content and happy. Something I didnt realize I was until I wasnt. Lo said the other day that if I were to do, which I would happily welcome right now, that I would make the seperation permanent. That has merit but Im not sure that the way things are now is much diff. It already feels like a permanent separation and I dont forsee a change in that. I have looked at all sides of that and though I know and have talked about the "selfish" side of that I ultimately think in some situations it is the best thing. Is it not selfish on the part of others to want someone to live in pain and suffering just so they are still alive and available to those who want them there?

New Job... New Beginnings

So after a looong drawn out period of searching for employment, I am finally working. I had been looking for a long time for anything other than what I was doing with my last steady job. I was at the vets office for a while but that began to wear on me with all the cruelty I saw and the death. I kind of just left one day and never came back. They never even called me to see if I was ok, whatever, I dont think they were the brightest people anyway. After working in the clinic and seeing what has happened and happens behind closed doors I wouldnt bring my cats there. They lost 3 animals the week I left

Note: this was 10/29/09 just decided to post my drafts