The last post I was still sane

I've managed to work myself into a corner of the bedroom I hated. The devil that had cornered me into my last post has taken over my life for the last four months, going on five. I pretty much talk to no one and im barely holding onto the two relationships I have. One of which is making this whole situation 10 times worse then it should be and last that much longer as well. Ive gone from ten a day to a night with none and a rather painful and death wishing set of withdrawals from that. That only took half a pill to stop and a quick relization that this was going to be a painful process and one that was going to be very difficult to hide and deal with, not to mention fund. Since the night of hell the lowest ive gotten too is 1.25 pills a day. Im not sure I made it through that day... Ed came back that day and the stress caught me back up into it. Somehow I got back up to 3 pills a day with a few days here and there having a bit more than that. I think ive tried nearly every method except the ones that cost money which basically leaves you with tapering or cold turkeying... if you can afford to continue to support it for the taper, or be strong willed enough to continue the taper without going back up again, hence me going from 1.25 back to 3-4... now im back to 2.5 which is suppose to be 2.25 and was really more like 2.75. I really want off of this roller coaster of feeling like crap and having intermittent periods of time where I feel like it will be over. The mornings are the worst by far. I feel like everyday is just another futile attempt to make it through the day and hopefully come up with the solution. Some times I wake up in the morning and think the worst of it would be over in three days. I could get back on my adderall and get my life back together. Have the desire to do something, anything for that matter.

I've gotta suffer through this and get it over with. Maybe I should just go home for a while and beat this... keeping from being disowned due to lack of contact would be good too.
That is the most important thing to take care of, from there its on to smaller and better problems. At least they dont have physical side effects...unless someone throws something at me.