Helllloo Again, its been a while

It seems like so much more than a couple months have gone by. The last post I was writing that I accidentally erased would have probably given alot of insight into where I have been over the last few months. Reading over my posts I mentioned nothing of the blue devil I had been starting to dance with. It started innocently enough with pill split in half and shared with a friend. Now im up to almost 8 a day and its gotten out of control. That was only over the course of a couple months. I cut the trip to MI short because I ran out while I was there and couldnt take it. Its pretty much all been down hill from there. I dont even know how I let it get this far, I knew the dangers and yet I still went down the rabbit hole. I thought i was taking a financial hit before just walking through the forest but this is far worse. I need to quit and yet im terrified of what im going to go through now. From everything I have read, quiting is not pretty and you pretty much want to kill yourself. I really do want to quit though, I cant take my adderall because it makes me sick with this stuff so i've pretty much gotten nothing done in the last couple months. I just want my life back on track. Ironically enough I quit doing everything else when I started these, and if I can quit these I dont think i will need to go back to it all.

Lo is supporting me through all of it, from financial to emotionally and she is stressed and getting sick of it too. I dont blame her and as much as I want her here I hate the fact that I am ruining her life. How could she possibly be happy with this? I guess she is mad at me now for telling her that she could leave and I would understand. I would understand, I would be heartbroken but I would understand and her life would be so much better. Just because I dont see it as a possibility for me right now doesnt mean that she shouldnt have it. Yesterday was suppose to be my first day trying to quit or rather tapering. It went well for the first part of the morning or I guess resonably well. Then Lo got her refund check and I kind of fell off the wagon. Today doesnt feel like its going to happen either. I need to taper down and stop, but im finding that even though I really want to its alot easier said then done. I will give it an effort today to stay at my alloted number at least. I know I can do this, I quit smoking cold turkey and I didn't even really want to do that. I just need to have as much faith in myself as Lo has in me. We shall see how the day goes.