Seriously?!

Ugh... I feel like I've had it. Im struggling from day to day, hour to hour. Im so alone and this is really a time that I have needed support the most. I hate this feeling of never knowing when its going to end, having really no one to talk to about it or anything else for that matter and feeling so paralyzed with anxiety and depression. I need to get a job, I know that will help, but it could also hurt and the anxiety of the process of getting a job seems daunting. I need to be in a laid back place, make at least enough to save a bit and have understanding bosses. It would really really help if it was at least half way interesting too. I know thats going out on a limb but if im going to succeed I know at least part of the recipe.

Of course if I could focus for any length of time, that would be great too. I cant take my adderall for two reasons right now... soon to be three. First, not sure how it will interact with subutex and I dont want to put myself through a day of possible panic and hee bee jee bees in my legs to find out. Second, I have no insurance and the script is obviously very expensive... which brings me too my third soon to be reason. I only have one script in the pharmacy and I stopped seeing that doc when I went to MI to try to get clean. When I came back he didnt return the phone calls. I guess 4 months was a bit long for him to wait on a patient? Now I have to find a doc that isnt going to hassle me about prescribing the klonopin or adderall and if he would throw in a litle bit of xanax for breakthrough panic and not sleeping, that would be nice too... Luckily the sub doc is prescribing klonopin
and im just not filling the extra sub scripts so I have a little bit of time to find a psychiatrist that will treat... I was thinking about going back on the triavil because it worked so well for me before, but again, afraid of it interacting with any sub or sub withdrawals. Wouldnt hurt to have an appetite again either since that will help replenish and stock essentials for my brain to start getting back into some sort of normal chemical pattern, which I hope is still possible.

I hope im doing this the right way, there is a long list of things that still need to happen before I will really consider myself "living" i.e. friends, job, good relationship etc but there are alot of little things within myself that have to happen too before those big things are possible. Being able to make it through the day, go to bed at night, sleep through too the morning and wake up without feeling like crap is a good place to start. Obviously I will have to multi-task and work on the job and all the other stuff at the same time.

I just would like maybe a weekend of relief. Of feeling happy, of being able to just drift asleep when I want too, of not knowing any anxiety and everything being alright with the world, having someone that I love and truly enjoy to talk to and do just about anything with, there to bask in the glow of not having a worry for once.

I just need a break.