"So sick and tired of being sick and tired"

Candle (sick and tired) by White Tie Affair... This is a perfect song for me right now.

I feel like Im being swallowed in by myself, im losing myself to the quiet and shame and sadness and inability to really wrap my head around anything right now except those feelings... I feel selfish in that I turn become lost in myself and shut everyone out, the isolation I feel on the inside becomes my hell on the outside. I cant help it, ive spent so much of my life doing it. I cant reach out, I feel so frozen and unsure. Where did I lose my confidence? I can pretend for only so long before I feel the anxiety and sadness grip me.

I havent talked to my family, im pretty sure my grandmother has disowned me for not calling in a couple months, I just cant face talking to her. It sounds crazy but the longer I didn't call her the harder it got to to call and when I called on her birthday she was very short and it was clear she was pissed. That kind of rejection right now is just more than I can handle.

LOL, I am listening to a Pitbull song thinking of a cheerleading routine to it. I hate cheerleading and it in no way is appropriate for the song. Sorry thats the greens talking.

At least I still have moments of humor I guess I have that to be thankful for... good note to end on. I need to start writing more often, Im suprised ive had the focus for the last few posts. I hope that is a sign of a general upward trend.... we'll see.