Part 3 Last Third

I dont know if I will actually get through the last 3rd tonight but it should stand as a testament to my state of mind that I have made it to this point in relatively little time. That being said, pause for another shot. I forgot I already set it up, probably a good indication I dont need it. Bottoms up... I have come to realize if Lo is reading this, it will just reiterate the fact that I am a loser. Not totally irresponsible but still a loser. No wonder she had resorted to emailing me on facebook and myspace rather than just texting or calling, how nice of her to make the effort at all. Again refer to above state of mind..

The sting I feel now, barely touches the pain I feel in my heart. This is the next day, passed out before I could write anymore and consequently post it. Not that im any better state of mind to being writing or posting this morning... Long story, and not morning anymore... 2 15 300 im sorry, ill be back and in the meantme ill watch out

Note: posted draft 6/20/09

Patron part 2. 2/3 bottle left

I was hoping that I hadnt actually posted that post last night but as I was reading it I became more convinced that my theory of people being there most honest when drunk was proven. I would believe a drunk over a sober person any day when it comes to saying how they really feel or what they really think. They may regret having said it, if they remember, and lie about it later but for the most part drunk people are incredibly honest. The time Ed choked me 3 different time in one night he was so drunk he didnt remember it, but it was always a feeling seething under the surface for him. That incident represented everything he hated and feared about my relationship with Lo, that he effectively ruined both directly and indirectly. The intensity of his anger I have always known, he had just shown me a degree I knew was there but hadnt seen yet. Not that I ever wanted to see it, and to be honest it took me by complete surprise, I know I posted about it. The whole situation was so ridiculous I still cant believe it. Contrary to what im sure he thinks, I really dont think about it that much, another piece of abuse in a history riddled with it. Maybe thats why it slips my mind so easily. It really was unforgivable, when I look at the past incidents with that as a culmination and everything else being much milder. Im less than half his age and he is more than twice my size height and weight. No way that was a fair fight, I know everyone that knew about it thought I was crazy to stay. Where else can I go, Lo just isnt an option, shes made it pretty clear where I stand with her. I have resisted asking her for any support and therefore have ended up not talking to her, typical me. I dont want to bother her or mess with her life any more then she feels I already have. She emails me she misses me and still uses that word, the one that had always held for me the love truly felt. For everything about her has become a mystery. I feel I am forced to walk this earth with a piece of my soul forever missing. I guess I deserve this, and really it doesnt matter whether I do or not, I feel I have sealed my fate. What I said, the promises I made, I am true to myself. Those feelings and words were true, even if im the only one who believed in them. The life I live now is one of fear and punishment, mental more than physical which I feel makes me the weak one, perhaps I deserve it. I would let myself get off with nothing less with the guilt and pain I feel now.

Why cant we all just be honest?

As I went through my old emails on an account I rarely ever check, there were a bunch of emails in there from ed. I guess not a bunch, like 3... Two of them nice and one of them typical him. I dont know what the situation was but he was obviously very upset and I think we had broken up and he was talking about how he couldnt stop crying and how he loved me so much. Reading that and the others I realized how little had changed and at the same time how much has changed. I was going to post the emails, just to give a better idea of what he is like, I may still.

This whole situation, the last few years really, have taken a huge toll on me. I feel so desperate and trapped right now. I really have no one to turn too, E will be gone soon if he hasnt left already... mixed feelings on that. Ed is really a constant stress, I feel like im on eggshells around him. I need to get on me feet and learn to be more comfortable with myself. Im in a tail spin right now and its really scary. Good example... right now, bottle of patron, great chaser so I cant taste it and the great green god has smiled upon me... bad combo and thank god for spell check.

Smoked way to many cigarettes this morning and ended up puking, thats it for smokes for a while. It seems like smoking cigarettes is involved in my restless legs too, I become more aware of it when im not smoking. Dont have a problem with any other type of smoking though, thank above. I dont know if I really would be able to function without it. I wouldnt eat, Id have trouble sleeping, my anxiety would be through the roof, and it helps my legs. I think thats part of what makes it so difficult when Ed is around, I cant smoke around him and its very stressful trying to sneak it in around times he is gone. As long as I have to be here I have to obey his rules, as much as even typing that makes me want to puke. I really see the manipulative commandeering nature when I take a step back, like reading those old emails it crazy some of the mean things he said... I guess ill put it in and edit for others privacy

"It's because I love you so deeply I writing to you now.If you remember what you wrote or said the month before that had us both so upset it is a repeat of this event. It is a pattern that I'm afraid Is one that you have been through before. I said get some help I'm telling you why. **** is a poor sole that is caught in the you trap of loving you and being with you and getting nothing in return except the occasional hug you give her. That what you had in store for me.You can't handle love like I have for you so you will destroy it. I'm afraid you will just move on to do the same to someone else. It will never get better for you until you get help. Please don't take this wrong I'm doing it and crying at the same time as I only want you to be happy.I felt because of my life experiences I was the man that could help you with all your issues by always reassuring you of love like someone younger wouldn't;t be able to do through your cruel behavior but I just made it worse ran faster. Nell thank you for the good things you did for me and you know what they were. I will love you for ever Ed"

Then this is from about a month before....

"I'm going to bed early in simpathy with you. Nel. Nell. Nel. When we are
together we need to be together I want you to sleep but I want you next to me.
You need someone to show you your beauty. Wrong I know everyone you meet loves
you. I'm going to cry all night I'm so weepy now. My heart is breaking. I'm so
sad without you. Sleep tight my love remember I'm there for you"

and this

"I was more upset today then I've been in 100 years. I m a tough guy with most
everthing but not with you."

and finally

"I just walked out to the pool area. I'm so lonely here in our get away without
you I can stop crying Nel I'm a mess. Tears are running down my face. I love
you"

As time has gone by his emotions are not nearly as strong and it could be that ive thrown it in his face so many time he has resolved not to let them show anymore. I dont know that I care anymore. I want to survive and thats the mind set I have when Im not wishing I were on another chemical plane of reality.

A quarter or more into the bottle of patron.. thats was a little while ago, now more like half gone and on a green stick. This wont be an interesting night, Im sure I will just pass out. Again I refer to the comment about this being a dangerous situation for me. I need to motivated toward something, school is my main goal right now. Laughable considering the state im in now.

Some how I know im never going to get over this period in my life. Ive contemplated alot of things in this time, fear is the thing that holds me back in any decision I make. I truly feel I have nothing to live for anymore. Lindsy will be ok, she is much stronger than me, they both are. Lo obviously has no need for me and Ed will be fine. If no one needs me, I would just rather be where I belong.. with my parents. I miss them, I need them. Maybe im just not cut out for the world, I dont want to spend my life suffering. I cant shake the feeling that thats where I will end up, my destiny if you will. My heart is gone, what else is left?

Day and Night

Things are at somewhat of a standstill, with everything. Im finally away from all the sub, never going back there. Things have happened with Eds work, the company was sold and Ed is basically reduced to a consult to keep the important accounts that he has such rapport with, that they will likely find other options if he isnt part of the working relationship with the new company. One of the 3rd largest in the US. It is acknowledging without acknowledging that he is an asset to the company but without really giving him anything and taking his job and making it seem much less important,,, yet they want 100% account retention that basically rests on him and depends on whether he really gets the 2nd year of the contract. Its really messed up, I feel bad that a 30+ year career has come down this. Everything gone in the course of one conversation. No more responsibility like before, suddenly everything is new and alot depends on understanding that new role and mastering it before you really know what it is. That being said, thats what you get for making your entire life your work, when its gone, you are left holding onto strings and everything you sacrificed to get to where you were is still gone... youre not left with much. Everyone deals differently, some reinvent themselves, others cant take it. Im not sure where Ed falls but im leaning towards him reinventing himself... Unfortunetly its not just the work area of his life that needs revamping. We hardly talk anymore, its a relief while at the same time being a source of anxiety.

I need to get my shit together and get myself into a situation that im truly happy in. I truly miss Lo but if I really stop to think about it, im not sure what it is im missing. Im not sure if its the company, a true love, a soul mate, a best friend, a romantic notion of true love in my head? I know that I will base every person I ever come into a relationship with on her. At the same time she turned out to be everything that scared me and like the devil is somewhat of a fallen angel in my head and heart now. Everything she said she did the opposite of and in the end took the only thing sacred to me, trust, I trusted her implicitly and she knew that and counted on it in the end. She was the only one I have ever truly trusted and perhaps that is where my true lonliness comes from, not trusting anyone is being on your own, whether you are surrounded or not.

Ill never return to the path I just came from, the damage ive caused to others and the consequences thereof have been felt and are done. I wont further damage myself by playing with fire, but ive learned there is more than one way to light a fire and I need to be careful with matches as much as the fire they create. It seems like every turn I make right now has negativity attached to get by. Its a viscious cycle I really want to break. I should know by now how quickly something can turn on you, ive found that to be true with anything, people, pets, meds, drink, food... best friends, those who say they love you more than anything in the world, more than their life. Let me just say on that, I ve heard that more than once and yet still, here I am alone.... Ive made my mistakes, its hard for me to accept love will not forgive them all..