Day and Night

Things are at somewhat of a standstill, with everything. Im finally away from all the sub, never going back there. Things have happened with Eds work, the company was sold and Ed is basically reduced to a consult to keep the important accounts that he has such rapport with, that they will likely find other options if he isnt part of the working relationship with the new company. One of the 3rd largest in the US. It is acknowledging without acknowledging that he is an asset to the company but without really giving him anything and taking his job and making it seem much less important,,, yet they want 100% account retention that basically rests on him and depends on whether he really gets the 2nd year of the contract. Its really messed up, I feel bad that a 30+ year career has come down this. Everything gone in the course of one conversation. No more responsibility like before, suddenly everything is new and alot depends on understanding that new role and mastering it before you really know what it is. That being said, thats what you get for making your entire life your work, when its gone, you are left holding onto strings and everything you sacrificed to get to where you were is still gone... youre not left with much. Everyone deals differently, some reinvent themselves, others cant take it. Im not sure where Ed falls but im leaning towards him reinventing himself... Unfortunetly its not just the work area of his life that needs revamping. We hardly talk anymore, its a relief while at the same time being a source of anxiety.

I need to get my shit together and get myself into a situation that im truly happy in. I truly miss Lo but if I really stop to think about it, im not sure what it is im missing. Im not sure if its the company, a true love, a soul mate, a best friend, a romantic notion of true love in my head? I know that I will base every person I ever come into a relationship with on her. At the same time she turned out to be everything that scared me and like the devil is somewhat of a fallen angel in my head and heart now. Everything she said she did the opposite of and in the end took the only thing sacred to me, trust, I trusted her implicitly and she knew that and counted on it in the end. She was the only one I have ever truly trusted and perhaps that is where my true lonliness comes from, not trusting anyone is being on your own, whether you are surrounded or not.

Ill never return to the path I just came from, the damage ive caused to others and the consequences thereof have been felt and are done. I wont further damage myself by playing with fire, but ive learned there is more than one way to light a fire and I need to be careful with matches as much as the fire they create. It seems like every turn I make right now has negativity attached to get by. Its a viscious cycle I really want to break. I should know by now how quickly something can turn on you, ive found that to be true with anything, people, pets, meds, drink, food... best friends, those who say they love you more than anything in the world, more than their life. Let me just say on that, I ve heard that more than once and yet still, here I am alone.... Ive made my mistakes, its hard for me to accept love will not forgive them all..