Why cant we all just be honest?

As I went through my old emails on an account I rarely ever check, there were a bunch of emails in there from ed. I guess not a bunch, like 3... Two of them nice and one of them typical him. I dont know what the situation was but he was obviously very upset and I think we had broken up and he was talking about how he couldnt stop crying and how he loved me so much. Reading that and the others I realized how little had changed and at the same time how much has changed. I was going to post the emails, just to give a better idea of what he is like, I may still.

This whole situation, the last few years really, have taken a huge toll on me. I feel so desperate and trapped right now. I really have no one to turn too, E will be gone soon if he hasnt left already... mixed feelings on that. Ed is really a constant stress, I feel like im on eggshells around him. I need to get on me feet and learn to be more comfortable with myself. Im in a tail spin right now and its really scary. Good example... right now, bottle of patron, great chaser so I cant taste it and the great green god has smiled upon me... bad combo and thank god for spell check.

Smoked way to many cigarettes this morning and ended up puking, thats it for smokes for a while. It seems like smoking cigarettes is involved in my restless legs too, I become more aware of it when im not smoking. Dont have a problem with any other type of smoking though, thank above. I dont know if I really would be able to function without it. I wouldnt eat, Id have trouble sleeping, my anxiety would be through the roof, and it helps my legs. I think thats part of what makes it so difficult when Ed is around, I cant smoke around him and its very stressful trying to sneak it in around times he is gone. As long as I have to be here I have to obey his rules, as much as even typing that makes me want to puke. I really see the manipulative commandeering nature when I take a step back, like reading those old emails it crazy some of the mean things he said... I guess ill put it in and edit for others privacy

"It's because I love you so deeply I writing to you now.If you remember what you wrote or said the month before that had us both so upset it is a repeat of this event. It is a pattern that I'm afraid Is one that you have been through before. I said get some help I'm telling you why. **** is a poor sole that is caught in the you trap of loving you and being with you and getting nothing in return except the occasional hug you give her. That what you had in store for me.You can't handle love like I have for you so you will destroy it. I'm afraid you will just move on to do the same to someone else. It will never get better for you until you get help. Please don't take this wrong I'm doing it and crying at the same time as I only want you to be happy.I felt because of my life experiences I was the man that could help you with all your issues by always reassuring you of love like someone younger wouldn't;t be able to do through your cruel behavior but I just made it worse ran faster. Nell thank you for the good things you did for me and you know what they were. I will love you for ever Ed"

Then this is from about a month before....

"I'm going to bed early in simpathy with you. Nel. Nell. Nel. When we are
together we need to be together I want you to sleep but I want you next to me.
You need someone to show you your beauty. Wrong I know everyone you meet loves
you. I'm going to cry all night I'm so weepy now. My heart is breaking. I'm so
sad without you. Sleep tight my love remember I'm there for you"

and this

"I was more upset today then I've been in 100 years. I m a tough guy with most
everthing but not with you."

and finally

"I just walked out to the pool area. I'm so lonely here in our get away without
you I can stop crying Nel I'm a mess. Tears are running down my face. I love
you"

As time has gone by his emotions are not nearly as strong and it could be that ive thrown it in his face so many time he has resolved not to let them show anymore. I dont know that I care anymore. I want to survive and thats the mind set I have when Im not wishing I were on another chemical plane of reality.

A quarter or more into the bottle of patron.. thats was a little while ago, now more like half gone and on a green stick. This wont be an interesting night, Im sure I will just pass out. Again I refer to the comment about this being a dangerous situation for me. I need to motivated toward something, school is my main goal right now. Laughable considering the state im in now.

Some how I know im never going to get over this period in my life. Ive contemplated alot of things in this time, fear is the thing that holds me back in any decision I make. I truly feel I have nothing to live for anymore. Lindsy will be ok, she is much stronger than me, they both are. Lo obviously has no need for me and Ed will be fine. If no one needs me, I would just rather be where I belong.. with my parents. I miss them, I need them. Maybe im just not cut out for the world, I dont want to spend my life suffering. I cant shake the feeling that thats where I will end up, my destiny if you will. My heart is gone, what else is left?