Sticks and Stones

Its been a tough road since my last post. I let my life be taken over by the sh*t that I knew was going to be a battle for me. It finally got to the point where I went down to three a day and even got down to 1 3/4 a day. Considering a couple weeks before that I was ten a day I made a huge jump. Then it kept going up whenever E came home. Eventually I tried even having him stay away for a couple weeks just so that I could try to get off without the potential trauma or fighting. We agreed not to talk for a couple weeks because things had gotten really hard for us, especially with these blue fairys in the way. In the end, that didnt work either and I just kept getting thinner and thinner, not eating and barely drinking and working myself to the point that eventually is was in my room all the time. Finally decided what I needed to do was come home to get away and try to get off. Lo sent me packages so that I could try to ween off and I went to my sisters to try and do it cause it was quieter and no drama. Then a friend of hers came up from Georgia with baby daddy drama, as my sister puts it, and it was all over from there, between her drama and her annoying ass kid, I wasnt able to come back down. I finally decided id been up here long enough and it was time to go home. Within days of me getting ready to go home I get the shock of my life. I had felt that Lo and I had grown apart in the last few days especially and I brought it up, she said is was nothing just missing me so much and working alot on top of that.
Ive finally lost all I have in this not so long battle with the devil on my shoulder. It has taken all that is important to me and now finally the person I love most in the world.
Ive always drempt about things happening and when I remember them so clearly they usually end up happening. I used to have these dreams in college about Lo leaving me. It was so much more practical then because it was a relationship we had just started but I was always reassured and eventually as time went on it became an impossible thought as i listened to all the times that I will never leave you were said, that I couldnt do anything that would drive Lo away. We've been through hell together and always said if we could go through the things we have gone through, we could make it through anything. Apparently thats not the case.
I'd been feeling sick and anxious for the last five days or so had a few nightmares and hadnt been sleeping well at all. I remembered all the nightmares very clearly, and especially the last. I had a dream once again that Lo had left me, it was a strange dream but one with a clear point. I told her about the dream and she said wow that is a weird dream. Fast forward a couple days and I just feel like something is wrong. It was late at night and I couldnt get ahold of her, I was flipping out worrying that she didnt make it home from work safely or something crazy had happened. Then I finally asked her the question I thought would have an obvious answer... Is there someone else, she says no but someone has expressed interest. That didnt even really throw me off, then I started wondering who it was and she didnt want to tell me, saying that it didnt matter. I made two guesses and I was right on the last which blew me away, it was a friend of ours, someone we had gone to college with someone who lived in Orlando. Then she went on to say she wasnt sure she wanted to be with me anymore, which freaked me out, because even though we havent been together for the last 6 years, we have still had a closer than close relationship. I couldnt and still cant believe she was basically saying she didnt want to be with me anymore, which obviously meant have the same type of relationship anymore. She really doesnt even want to live with me anymore, even though she says she still wants to be best friends and she still loves me and that she will see me through this blue devil issue, which by the way has sky-rocketed with everything that has gone on.
Then comes E and I tell him im sick of the in and out, that it hurts so much when he leaves because I do love him, I just dont know where he falls with everything else. He says that I need to be strong and that I wont be alone as much as I think because he is going to unravel things quickly and try to be in FL. For a few days we had been talking about it and we both had our turns sobbing over the phone. I didnt know how I was gonna juggle him not being there and Retta not wanting to be there. So my sis starts talking to E and telling him that I just cant deal with the in and out and that he needs to give me some time to get on my feet before he starts doing that to me again. He ended up getting pissed because she mentioned me talking to Lo and I had already told him when he said that i wouldnt be alone that Lo was leaving and that i was going to be alone. Something my sister said just made that change and made him think it was about her. Which really made no sense because then I would just take the ways out he has given me. He offered to put me up in an apt so i could get back on my feet and figure shit out. I never really talked to him, she did and then I had to practically beg for him to call me since I need to pay my cell bill and couldnt just call him. He has made all kinds of threats, told her that I was NOT coming home and then wanted me to move my flight from tomm to next week when he would be gone so that I could go back and figure shit out with Lo. Ive been up here long enough though and being up here def hasnt helped my situation with Lo. I just know I cant stay away and try to deal with things up here, its easy to hang up a phone or not even answer and you can always sign off or not sign in, or just put up an away message and ignore IMs. If I had agreed to wait he would have just used that against me too, so really it was a no win as far as pissing him off.

E tried telling me I wouldnt get in that house, that he would have it locked down before I ever got near it but first of all he thought my flight was a day later and second he doesnt know that the door handle on our bedroom door was changed a long time ago and im the only one with keys, to both the door and the deadbolt. I told him by law he cant keep me out because after two weeks, whether I pay or not im considered a tenant and he has to go through land lord court to get me evicted and even then I would have 30 days. On top of that, if we got in a fight and Lo were to lets say call the police, they would make him leave because in domestic disputes, its the man they make leave the house. He said fine ill see your dead ass in court and by the time im done, you wont live anywhere in FL. I dont know who he thinks he has pull with but really I think he is kidding himself. He tried saying no sheriff in Florida would come near that house. What a joke. Apparently he isnt realizing how much damage I could do to him. I could call his wife, I could call his job and all his accounts and tell them they should question the integrity of someone who makes threats like that and is dating someone 30 years his junior when he has been married for as long. There is just so much I could do that its not even funny, i think its him who doesnt know who hes messing with.

When I finally talked to him tonight I thought i had gotten through to him about loving him and it not being about Lo, he said I love you whatever. Then when he said goodnight, he was like goodnight buddy, then next IM was I do love you travel well and asking if i had a working phone, but by the time he was on his last text it was when you land use your girlfriends phone and call me. He knew it would get under my skin, just as much as the goodnight buddy did.

So thats where im left, with no idea what tommorow will bring and no idea where I will be sleeping tommorrow night. Im at a scary point in life and unfortunetly all I can do is take it as it comes and deal with it from there. Nothing is a garuntee, not even the person I thought would always be there for me. Ive been completely knocked down and all I can do is react to things, im trying to be as proactive as possible but theres not much I can do when its his house and I only have so much money to my name, I doubt he will be giving me anymore. Ive emailed my two closest friends over the years, besides Lo and all I can hope for is there support and help as well. I already talked to Erik and he said he would be there for me over the rocky times, so at least I have one person... I will try to post an update as soon as I can. Its an hour and 45 min before I have to get up for my early ass flight so its off to try to get some sleep. At least being so emotionally exhausted ive been able to do some of that. I passed out earlier knowing I need to pack and get ready and I still cant take everything... Oh well. Im losing everything, why not some material sh*t too.