A bottle of Cabernet Later...

So I decided to start playing a game of mine again yesterday, ps2, God of War 2. I think its good to get that aggression out but thats not the point of this. So Lo goes to work and I decide that since im flat broke and alone for the night I basically have a choice between a red wine or a white cause other than liquor thats all there is. I chose the red and proceeded to pour myself a glass and settle into the game. It felt good to be occupied by something, im sure that was helped by the red wine too. I played late and passed out on the couch til Lo got home from work. We smoked and I went back to sleep on the couch not going back to bed until 5 or so then I slept til almost 10.

Its gotta be the meds that are causing me to be so tired, I cant even remember the last time I slept in this late. I woke up really agitated to, I was kinda shaky and just edgy. Ed texted me about a job possiblity with the Post. 2am to 11am, I felt like he slapped me in the face. So then we would never see each other and that makes sense how? I got really pissed off, I said that I could see how important it was to him to spend time with me. To which he replied that wasnt fair and he would go with me in the morning when he could.... There are so many things wrong with that statement. First of all what job is going to let you have someone else there with you, thats a pretty obvious one. Then why would he think he would be able to get up at those hours and then continue on to his full day of work. There is no way, if he goes one night without decent sleep he is like a monster the next day, I would give that all of a week max. I would take time to wind down from the night and would most likely be drinking tons of coffee or Red Bull. By the time I got around to sleeping it would be around the time that he would be getting home from work. So that leaves no time. I fail to see the logic in this.

Then there is the neighbor Rich, that he says we are going to meet Tuesday and he supposedly "has a few leads". Im gonna talk to him about the loan and getting my student loans paid off so I can go to school. I feel so useless, he seems so desperate to get me working and then in the next breathe tells me not to worry about money that we'll find a way etc. why does he make me ask for help? I hate that and it nearly turns my ears red with shame for not being able to make it on my own. He just doesnt think and then I feel like an ass when I point it out and he understands and then beats himself up for it. Ugh... Frustrating

Health Insurance Paid

I mananged to get enough together for my health insurance, thats it though, I am completely broke and there is only a quarter tank of gas in the car. I tried hitting up people for work but that was a fairly fruitless effort as well. Im so close to asking Ed to deposit some money in my account, I dont want to if I can at all help it but its between asking him or asking the other and I really dont want to deal with him. I asked him for work and he has nothing. I am weighing the consequences of asking Ed. I know he would do it but its my pride that holding me back. I dont know if I could face him after that, he already left me the cash for my health insurance before he left and that was gone in a week. The phone bill was 100 then stuff for the cats and gas and everyday living and I still barely covered health insurance and I wouldnt have had it at all if Lo hadnt paid rent in cash. I still have to talk to him about that. Damn these stupid addictions, they are leaving me in a spot I never wanted to be in and always said I wouldnt be in. I really have no more options as far as cash goes, I already cashed in my change and my savings is tapped I think there is maybe three dollars in it. I am out of options as far as cash goes. Fuck I really dont know what Im going to do.

New Meds

So I told the doctor about my attempt to cut the use of the anti depressants. I told him the reason and I thought that he would be negative about it but he actually wasnt. I dont know why he doesnt just split the meds and only give me the anti depressant and not the anxiety one. He mentioned it but then in the end is having me try Cymbalta. I agree it was time for a change but I am still taking the one triavil a day with it and the klonopin. I still havent taken the adderall. The only thing that sucks about the Cymbalta is its $1oo and if it doesnt work for me then that is a huge waste of money. Taken my second dose today and so far no problem, as long as it doesnt make me hungry or nauseous Ill stick to it and try it.

Ed has finally calmed down and is no longer convinced that he is going to die. Im still depressed about the whole situation but I do miss him. He is coming home Sunday and supposedly staying for two weeks this time. He has to make something up for Sharyn for next weekend but I dont think it will be too difficult. Then comes the Holidays, between christmas and new years I will hardly seem him in December and the first part of January. I hate the holidays as it is and Im sure this is not going to make it any better.

I need to start taking the adderall soon and find myself a job, this house is driving me crazy, that and a general lack of funds. Theres gotta be something out there that I can do and not get bored with. I just cant think of it right now.

Stress and the Doc

Eds stress test is this morning, he is convinced he is going to die. Imagine how that makes me feel. Last night he called and was really upset about how things are and how he really has gone about everything in the wrong way. What can I say to that when he is sobbing on the phone upset about how things are for me then in other fights he acts like I am being impatient and asking for way too much. Ugh, men!

I have my own shrink appt today. I feel like we talk about the same things over and over again and nothing ever really get resolved. He doesnt want to mess with my medication which I am not taking correctly anyway, he says that we shouldnt mess with the medication until I am at a little less stressful point in my life. The thing is im never going to have less stress, I worry thats what causes it and I have been like that my whole life. Im going to tell him that I've tried cutting back on the triavil but it puts me in a major depression. The flip side of that is that it makes me hungry all the time and I cant handle the weight gain from it. I need the anti depressant without the extra medication for nausea cause thats what its coming from.. I've lost at least 6 pounds since I cut back the meds. For my mental health I cant handle the weight gain. I need to get it back under control now before I really get to the point that I hate myself again. He is really old school so I worry about suggesting anything to do with meds because he could do just the opposite. All I know is that I need to get out of this destructive rut im in and if I need a little chemical assistance, im ok with that.

Still havent taken the adderall, I feel like its almost a game of waiting to see how long I can go without it before I drive myself half crazy. I thinks its been close to three weeks now. Some days I do ok and others seem like they drag on forever and I dont get anything accomplished beyond sitting on the couch and staring out the window.

That reminds me, my health insurance is coming up I cant lose that, my adderall alone without the script will be $200+ a month. That is the source of more than a little worry. Im gonna to talk to Ed about a personal loan, I need to pay my student loans and get health insurance and then possibly enroll in a program. I know it will be hard but it will keep me busy and right now I think thats what I need.

My appt starts when eds does, guess Ill be stuck waiting until its done at 2. Im nervous but not much I can so once he goes in.

Been sitting here for hours

I slept on the couch last night, sleeping in the bedroom is giving me anxiety. I feel so strung out for some reason. I havent even been drinking that much, I had a couple beers and two mixed drinks with Chris over the course of yesterday.... I guess I did finish off a case before that. The other night when I was fighting with Ed I had two drinks that really did me in for some reason. I think the emotional toll is taking and of course im not helping it.

Still havent taken my adderall and im back down to one anti depressent a day with the one klonopin. I am suppose to be taking 2 20 mg adderall XR, 4 triavil, and two klonopin every day with two .5 mg xanax thrown in when needed. If I actually took all that I would be psycho, I cant imagine what I would have been like, and then trying to get off of it would have been absolute hell. Multiplying what Ive been going through as it is by the extra pills id be going through withdrawal on, would honestly be a death sentence for me.

Its dreary out today but it kinda matches how I feel so I dont mind, that and we could really use the rain.

Fighting... Again

So we ended the night fighting and after I passed out he had texted me three more time, two of which ended with saying that I was difficult. Duh! It doesnt take a genius to figure that one out and what does it accomplish by telling me that? Then the text this morning were I understand and im sorry yesterday was rough for us. Two such texts like that and the one asking me to say good morning when I was awake. The last before I finally texted him back was please say something I feel terrible. To that I replyed that I was up and had slept in a little late, I love and miss you too. What else can I say after all that was said last night? An hour later he texts me asking if I have nothing to say to him and he feels terrible, is that what I want? I told him I didnt know what else to say. Im defeated because everything I say he has the comeback of either things take time, im being impatient and why does it have to be on my time.

Talking on the phone seems so pointless because either of us could just hang up and that defeats the purpose of talking.

2 hours later...

We talked on the phone for almost two hours and I only feel slightly better about the whole thing. He is spoiled and at times I think very inconsiderate. Im sick of fighting about shit that isnt going to change until he has the time for it. He says he hates it when I get to this point but is stopping to consider why it always gets there. I feel like we are beating a dead horse and nothing has been resolved.

Ugh!

I get so angry sometimes and I feel like I want to rip my skin off and just be without it for awhile. I feel like Ed is so far away from me, he has no idea what I go through. We seem to be fighting constantly and im already moving on to the next thing. I need to get my life going despite this, guess I should take the docs advice, he says to use the next six months to better myself. I need to find myself because this may or may not happen and right now im not even sure its what I want anymore.

I need to find a program that I can immerse myself in, I really need a distraction which is the biggest oxymoron ive seen in awhile.

1 Beer Left

Im drinking my last beer (really just the last one in the house) and im thinking about the mess im in now that is more commonly know as my life

I just got off the phone with Ed, we spent the last hour arguing over our relationship and the mess its in. He keeps telling me that things take time and I need to be more patient. What the Fuck for? Why do I have to be patient now when he had no patience for me at the beginning of this relationship. He makes me feel like I am crazy and obsessed, that I am being so irrational about how I feel, but at the same time he says the same things to me. Im so sick of waiting for shit to happen. I told him I am sick of reacting to the things in my life, he is putting me in a holding pattern and then today comes out with he is not ready to leave his career that he has been saying he hates for the last few months.

Its funny that when he met me he said that I made him realize that he was missing out and that there was life beyond where he was now, obviously hes not ready to leave that because thats where the resistence is coming from. Then its that he cant be without me all the time so I would have to get over my fear of flying so we could go back and forth. We somehow skipped from Sharyn, who has been the only issue hes ever talked about to now him not being able to go without me..... Hello, lets not walk before we crawl. How can I not feel that im just not good enough. Ive done everything I can short of begging him to come home and there is always something. I asked him why he couldnt have been here over the weekend and that was because then he would have to come up with a story for Sharyn as to why he would be leaving. Its a bunch of excuses. He doesnt see it because he doesnt want to, because he can only find the fault it others. I asked him why he should get his way when thats the way its been his whole life, hes had 35 years more than I to have it done his way. He tells me to be patient when he is the exact opposite of that. This is not going to go down his way, and if he fights it he will lose me along the way.

Still Here

So I got up and went to get coffee with Lo, now here I am again. At least the coffee is gone, I accomplished something. I was thinking about going to have a smoke but they seem to be making me dizzy since I cut back so much on the triavil. Everyday I think about starting the adderall again, so far im dealing but I know it wont be long, if nothing else ill just need the change again.
I havent been listening to music very much, that kind of worries me because music is my life. I can see the gradual change in my personality from the meds. I hate it and it makes me wonder if I even really remember who I was before all this shit started.
Ever since getting sick, I havent been the same and that was almost two years ago now. Its like someone flipped a switch and I became the opposite of what I was before then. Why cant I focus on anything?

The Long Day

Im sitting here and the day is just stretching out endlessly before me. I am trying to organize my thoughts and get to the starting point. I've already considered endless things to keep me busy for the day but I feel that familiar boredom creeping up. I thought about going for a bike ride but I dont know where to go. The water seems so far without Lo. Sometimes I think im gonna go crazy alone in this big house.

The new roommate moved in last night, he seems pretty cool. Shy I think, like me. It feels weird to have a stranger going in and out of the house. I suppose Ill get used to that soon enough.
I need to get out of this house, I wish there was a coffee shop or something close enough for me to bike too. Even if there was I would probably worry about my bike the whole time. Its not exactly cheap and I definetely dont have the cash to replace it. I was actually considering selling it to help out but I love that bike so until im desperate im holding onto it.

I should be looking for a job in my spare time but I dont even know what to look for, I dont even know what I want to do. I cant think of anything that would hold my attention for long and I cannot do something once ive lost attention for it.

Frustrating

I feel like I have a hundred ideas going on in my head at any one time but I cant seem to hold on to just one at a time. I get caught in this cycle of thinking about what to do and I find myself wasting hours away, stuck there. I take a break, smoke a cigarette, grab another beer, and its back to the same spot. Occasionally I have bursts of brightness and I manage to get a couple things done.

Im on a break from my adderall, I dont know what happens but it seems like every month or so I just have to stop it, its almost like it stops working for me. Its tough, I get mood swings really bad, appetite changes, depression. I feel sick for the first week and then when I get past that I think about never going back on it.... Then I feel like this again, Im depressed and I cant focus long enough to really get anything meaningful done. Its a cycle, im beginning to feel that neverending pressure from knowing its a cycle. Drink a little more, smoke a little more....

I decided recently that it was a good time to cut back the anti anxiety/anti depressants, not so sure that was a good idea. I just couldnt handle the appetite changes, Ive been on it for almost a year and i've gained like 20 pounds over the course of that time. Im not going to gain weight like that, I can't. Its been tough, i've gotten really depressed. This coupled with not taking the adderall, I forgot how it felt to be this depressed. Not that I dont have shit going on besides but thats everyones life. I know I have to wade through this, if I start it again im just going to land back at square one.

Ill probably start taking the adderall again next week, by then I might be still sane somewhat. Im not going to take the triavil if I can manage the depression. Im only taking one a day and Ill probably only do that for the next week or two and mostly because im scared to take the adderall without it, it could give me a panic attack.

The first post

Ive been thinking about starting this for awhile now, very typical of me. Funny that really one of the biggest hinderances to me was how to start it, more specifically the first post. So here it is, more to follow...