Stress and the Doc

Eds stress test is this morning, he is convinced he is going to die. Imagine how that makes me feel. Last night he called and was really upset about how things are and how he really has gone about everything in the wrong way. What can I say to that when he is sobbing on the phone upset about how things are for me then in other fights he acts like I am being impatient and asking for way too much. Ugh, men!

I have my own shrink appt today. I feel like we talk about the same things over and over again and nothing ever really get resolved. He doesnt want to mess with my medication which I am not taking correctly anyway, he says that we shouldnt mess with the medication until I am at a little less stressful point in my life. The thing is im never going to have less stress, I worry thats what causes it and I have been like that my whole life. Im going to tell him that I've tried cutting back on the triavil but it puts me in a major depression. The flip side of that is that it makes me hungry all the time and I cant handle the weight gain from it. I need the anti depressant without the extra medication for nausea cause thats what its coming from.. I've lost at least 6 pounds since I cut back the meds. For my mental health I cant handle the weight gain. I need to get it back under control now before I really get to the point that I hate myself again. He is really old school so I worry about suggesting anything to do with meds because he could do just the opposite. All I know is that I need to get out of this destructive rut im in and if I need a little chemical assistance, im ok with that.

Still havent taken the adderall, I feel like its almost a game of waiting to see how long I can go without it before I drive myself half crazy. I thinks its been close to three weeks now. Some days I do ok and others seem like they drag on forever and I dont get anything accomplished beyond sitting on the couch and staring out the window.

That reminds me, my health insurance is coming up I cant lose that, my adderall alone without the script will be $200+ a month. That is the source of more than a little worry. Im gonna to talk to Ed about a personal loan, I need to pay my student loans and get health insurance and then possibly enroll in a program. I know it will be hard but it will keep me busy and right now I think thats what I need.

My appt starts when eds does, guess Ill be stuck waiting until its done at 2. Im nervous but not much I can so once he goes in.