Frustrating

I feel like I have a hundred ideas going on in my head at any one time but I cant seem to hold on to just one at a time. I get caught in this cycle of thinking about what to do and I find myself wasting hours away, stuck there. I take a break, smoke a cigarette, grab another beer, and its back to the same spot. Occasionally I have bursts of brightness and I manage to get a couple things done.

Im on a break from my adderall, I dont know what happens but it seems like every month or so I just have to stop it, its almost like it stops working for me. Its tough, I get mood swings really bad, appetite changes, depression. I feel sick for the first week and then when I get past that I think about never going back on it.... Then I feel like this again, Im depressed and I cant focus long enough to really get anything meaningful done. Its a cycle, im beginning to feel that neverending pressure from knowing its a cycle. Drink a little more, smoke a little more....

I decided recently that it was a good time to cut back the anti anxiety/anti depressants, not so sure that was a good idea. I just couldnt handle the appetite changes, Ive been on it for almost a year and i've gained like 20 pounds over the course of that time. Im not going to gain weight like that, I can't. Its been tough, i've gotten really depressed. This coupled with not taking the adderall, I forgot how it felt to be this depressed. Not that I dont have shit going on besides but thats everyones life. I know I have to wade through this, if I start it again im just going to land back at square one.

Ill probably start taking the adderall again next week, by then I might be still sane somewhat. Im not going to take the triavil if I can manage the depression. Im only taking one a day and Ill probably only do that for the next week or two and mostly because im scared to take the adderall without it, it could give me a panic attack.