I think its safe to say that my life is out of control at this point. The days have become about surviving not living. I havent been taking the Klonopin or triavil but have done plenty of substitution. I slept today for about 4 hours this afternoon, the only sleep I have gotten in the last three days. I felt like I was waking up from a long dream but somehow im still caught in the lucid dreaming phase. Lo had come back at some point and passed out too, its a good thing I woke up or she would have never gotten up for work. I am pretty much back to the weight I was at right before I got sick. I have been living off a combination of red bull and whatever snack will get me by so I dont throw up when I take the adderall or have my heart racing out of my chest from exertion with no energy. Its not like im hungry and dont eat, im just not hungry. Ed has no idea how bad ive gotten, he hasnt even mentioned how thin ive gotten and I know he can tell, hell Lo can tell and she sees me everyday. From a psychological point of view all this of this behavior and the way im feeling makes sense. I can only think of it in pieces at a time though and even though I feel like im seeing it rationally, im still not acting accordingly. Like my mind is trapped in a body that just wants to escape and its the body acting of its own accord, taking over and medicating my mind. I know how that sounds but its none the less the closest description that fits.
This relationship with Ed is essentially manifesting itself into every the pattern of relationships i've always had with men. Once again I am being let down by the central male in my life and I just let it go. Sometimes I think im crazy and expecting to much from him but at the same time I know im never going to require less so whats the point to settling now? Am I being this self destructive in an effort to get his attention? Its sickening how much this is turning into my childhood all over again, no wonder im so stuck in the past, it just keeps repeating itself. The larger picture too, I am continuing my mothers cycle. I knew somewhere in my heart that this is how it would be all along, the huge irony that is my life. Lindsy and Dorrie were the ones who made it out, they struggled and continue to struggle and thsts made them so much stronger than me. Mom and I were always so close because we are so much alike. Maybe she always knew that and that I was going to be the one that needed the most help in life. Ive been given so much to work with and in a way I have used my past to escape far more than they have. Ive used it as my motivation and now for my demise. Its like I suddenly ran out of steam and started to go in reverse, whatever it was died with mom. Whats the point?? Even after everything she still died, if she couldnt do it what does that say for me?
Its sick to, the family should be so proud of Lindsy and Dorrie, they have gone through so much and they didnt have the same isolations I did. Dorries about to have a baby and Lindsy already does. They have always had more responsibility than I have and they havent done anything close to the BS ive done that I didnt have to do. Maybe all this self destructive behavior is the manifestation of my own self loathing, im trapped in my own hell. I feel like im almost insulated but as much as im insulated from the bad Im also not allowing anything else through, I cant emotionally connect. Its so cliche and im watching it through some window in my mind but its not really happening to me. Im hiding in the haze of all the shit im doing and puting into my body and I know where this is headed. Like I said before, I am merely repeating history. Its such an excuse, I resent myself for it but I know thats the end for me. Ive always known that was that it would be, the tragedy of history repeating itself, its sick but I feel its my destiny and from where I am now I almost take comfort in it. Its this interim, this space of time that I dont know how to fill that is killing me.
I shouldnt be thinking this much in this state of mind. What I really need right now is to mentally and physically recharge. Too bad Ed isnt home until wen, that gives me five more days to float...
"Have you ever had a dream, that you were so sure was real? What if you never woke from that dream and never knew what was real and what was a dream?"
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Damn Computers
I just had this whole post typed up and the damn computer had an error. I dont feel like retyping it again. Too bad, guess ill attempt another one while im up for the next few days.
Update, of sorts
Its been over a week since I checked in I think and things have gotten worse and better and they are about to get worse again. Eds been here since Wen, we started off on a bad foot and it seems we are having troubles changing stride. I am miserable here right now and its not helping that he is about to leave again. Everytime he leaves I go on this temporary binge or downward spiral. By the time he gets home again I know I have to clean it up so im better for the time that hes here. Its a nasty cycle though and its going to start to tell on me soon. It has already, I am almost back down to the weight I was at right before I got sick. That is somewhat of a relief because that was starting to weigh heavy on my mind. Ive started throwing up in the mornings again too. Not every morning but enough to make me wonder if its a correlation with the low weight. Last week I also developed the habit of just not going to bed for about three nights straight. There was of course some chemical assistance there... add that to the self destructive list. It almost got to the point that I was afraid to sleep, I felt anxiety coming on when I would nod off, wierd. I fail to see why this week will be any different.
Ive got to get out of this habit of going a little nuts when he is not around. I guess I feel really repressed when he is here, thats the only reason I can come up with. He took the adderall yesterday because he wanted to see what it was like for me, of course the effect on him was nothing like what it is on me. I should have known that but part of me was curious to see how it would effect him.
Ed leaves tommorow and then Lo has those next two days off, that means lots of time to make poor decisions.
Note: Draft posted from 2/17/08
Ive got to get out of this habit of going a little nuts when he is not around. I guess I feel really repressed when he is here, thats the only reason I can come up with. He took the adderall yesterday because he wanted to see what it was like for me, of course the effect on him was nothing like what it is on me. I should have known that but part of me was curious to see how it would effect him.
Ed leaves tommorow and then Lo has those next two days off, that means lots of time to make poor decisions.
Note: Draft posted from 2/17/08
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
He's gone...again
Well Ed left for home today. His flight left around 230. We actually had a fairly good week, one little incident but we both got over it and never mentioned it again. He was suppose to leave on friday but he ended up leaving today instead. I wasnt upset about him leaving early, we actually had a good night last night. We went out to mail eddie jrs clothes and then he wanted to go get a drink. Lo and I hadnt been home all day from doc appointment and running around and trying to see everyone while we were down south. I hadnt smoked all day and really wanted to go home and smoke but said that we could go if he wanted to. He said he really didnt care either and I almost asked to go home but he went there anyway. I said I thought we were going for a drink and he said he didnt really think I wanted to so he came home. He said not to ever do something just to make him happy because he really didnt care and he really just wanted to make me happy. We discussed going out and he asked if I wanted to get Lo, before I said anything she came out and he rolled down the window and asked her himself. She said yes and I took the oppurtunity to ask if we could go in and smoke first. He was fine with it and while we smoked he made himself a drink. By the time we left for the bar he had already had a couple doubles at home and Lo and I had smoked.
The bar was close to the house, Ed and I had been there before and it was happy hour so 2-4-1. Just the ones were ridiculously large, 3 quarters of the glass was vodka. Ed had three more doubles, I had three and then another vodka cranberry single, and Lo had at least 4 singles. I really dont even remember leaving the restuarant or at least in bits and pieces> Ed definetely should not have been driving home.
When we got home Chris was there and all I remember is going in the sunroom to smoke with Lo. Ed and Chris ended up staying in the kitchen and talking... and drinking. I managed to talk them into going to get hot fudge and Lo and I took advantage of the time to smoke again. They came back and made dessert and just after that I went to bed. The first time in our whole relationship that I went to bed before him. I passed out and didnt even wake up when he came in. My hangover in the morning wasnt bad, I threw up once but I think it was more from lack of food in my stomach from the day before and I believe I forgot to take my triavil the night before in an effort to not pass out early. Inevitably I always throw up if I forget to take the triavil.
Speaking of which, went to the doctor and after intial problems with insurance, my cobra switched and he told me before he didnt except my insurance. He actually called them and is going to work it out somehow. Finally asked him to give me the regular adderall for the afternoon dose because of the lack of eating and sleeping so late. I didnt think he would prescribe it simply because I asked him for it but when I asked him what he thought he wasnt opposed and in fact didnt even know they made a regular adderall. So he put me on 10mg of the regular release and I just took it for the first time today. I took half of it at first because I was afraid of the initial hit but it wasnt bad and I ended up taking the other half. It didnt feel bad so im probably going to take the whole pill tommorow. I think at the next appt I will ask for a higher dose of the regular. He asked if I wanted to keep it at the ten for the regular so I dont think he will be opposed to raising it. Guess we will wait and see, took a xanax tonight, but ended up taking the 30 XR kinda late in the day so im having a little harder time relaxing tonight, that and the help of another unnamed prescrition im feeling better now. I feel like I will be up for awhile but it least i will be feeling kind of relaxed. Im going to try to take the XR earlier tomm and then the regular earlier too. Timing is everything. Its bothersome that I am getting used to the not eating thing and I kinda like the feeling. Thats dangerous for me because losing the weight is addicting to me and I take everything to the extreme. We will see what happens...
The bar was close to the house, Ed and I had been there before and it was happy hour so 2-4-1. Just the ones were ridiculously large, 3 quarters of the glass was vodka. Ed had three more doubles, I had three and then another vodka cranberry single, and Lo had at least 4 singles. I really dont even remember leaving the restuarant or at least in bits and pieces> Ed definetely should not have been driving home.
When we got home Chris was there and all I remember is going in the sunroom to smoke with Lo. Ed and Chris ended up staying in the kitchen and talking... and drinking. I managed to talk them into going to get hot fudge and Lo and I took advantage of the time to smoke again. They came back and made dessert and just after that I went to bed. The first time in our whole relationship that I went to bed before him. I passed out and didnt even wake up when he came in. My hangover in the morning wasnt bad, I threw up once but I think it was more from lack of food in my stomach from the day before and I believe I forgot to take my triavil the night before in an effort to not pass out early. Inevitably I always throw up if I forget to take the triavil.
Speaking of which, went to the doctor and after intial problems with insurance, my cobra switched and he told me before he didnt except my insurance. He actually called them and is going to work it out somehow. Finally asked him to give me the regular adderall for the afternoon dose because of the lack of eating and sleeping so late. I didnt think he would prescribe it simply because I asked him for it but when I asked him what he thought he wasnt opposed and in fact didnt even know they made a regular adderall. So he put me on 10mg of the regular release and I just took it for the first time today. I took half of it at first because I was afraid of the initial hit but it wasnt bad and I ended up taking the other half. It didnt feel bad so im probably going to take the whole pill tommorow. I think at the next appt I will ask for a higher dose of the regular. He asked if I wanted to keep it at the ten for the regular so I dont think he will be opposed to raising it. Guess we will wait and see, took a xanax tonight, but ended up taking the 30 XR kinda late in the day so im having a little harder time relaxing tonight, that and the help of another unnamed prescrition im feeling better now. I feel like I will be up for awhile but it least i will be feeling kind of relaxed. Im going to try to take the XR earlier tomm and then the regular earlier too. Timing is everything. Its bothersome that I am getting used to the not eating thing and I kinda like the feeling. Thats dangerous for me because losing the weight is addicting to me and I take everything to the extreme. We will see what happens...
Monday, February 4, 2008
Relationships an ADD: Communication!
ATTENTION!
The Magazine of Children and Adults with Attentional Disorders
AD/HD & Relationships: Communication is the Key!
By Dr. Ron Weinstein, Ph.D. Clinical Director
and Marlynn Block, M.A.
The A.D.D. Center
"We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
"...one can change things by the manner in which one looks at them." Tom Robbins
"Tell me and I will forget. Show me and I will remember. Involve me and I will understand." Confucius
Many of the arguments and the resulting rages, tantrums or cold shoulders that arise between people in close relationships can often be traced to differences in perception and communication style. How we see and make sense of the world around us influences how and what we communicate to others. This usually becomes apparent to anyone involved in a relationship with someone who has AD/HD. Developing an understanding of these differences is essential to effective communication.
As therapists who specialize in AD/HD, we work with children, adults, couples and families in numerous capacities. Our experiences with these folks is "in the trenches", often as part of a school PPT team, as coaches when emotional support is needed, or as objective observers in the heat of family battles, helping to prioritize issues that are causing unbearable discomfort.
We, ourselves, must deal with AD/HD in our own relationship. Ron’s AD/HD was undiagnosed during the first half of our marriage and there most likely would not have been a second half had it remained undiagnosed! We are fortunate to have been armed with a professional knowledge of AD/HD and first hand exposure to how it affects couples, so we have been able to work on our own lives and relationship with a clearer understanding of the differences between our communication styles. We use this knowledge to help our clients resolve issues that may have dissolved relationships in the past.
It's not difficult to understand how the "triad" of AD/HD symptoms — impulsivity, inattention and hyperactivity/restlessness, can affect relationships. However, we believe that these "visible symptoms" have somewhat less direct impact than the ways in which they have affected a variety of "hidden" developmental characteristics.
Most adults with AD/HD were not diagnosed until they were adults. Throughout their lives, they have suffered a great deal of pain. Many have had to develop coping mechanisms to help them survive. Over time, the constant pressure of trying to cope with their problems brought on by their new ways to cope can bring about stress. As a result, some adults become overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and lose confidence. Since we can't go back and change this history, we need to move forward and realize that the efforts we put into our personal growth create hope for a changed life. Newly diagnosed adults finally have an opportunity to closely examine their lives in a more reflective and meaningful manner and to understand why they made the choices they did. But as we are aware, just understanding doesn't guarantee anything will change.
Therefore, we work closely with our clients to help them understand who they are; identify their strengths, weaknesses, and the hurdles they have to overcome; learn what they need to do in order to grow and experience a sense of well-being.
Who are you?
At our initial meeting, one of the first things we ask a client is — "Who are you?" This usually catches them off guard. They might have thought about the concept during times of turmoil, but for the most part, the question never entered their minds. Are they comfortable with their "gut" reactions to things? Do they believe that what they feel is appropriate? Do they feel guilty about not doing something or then resent it if they do?
Adults with AD/HD typically have a problem identifying who they "really" are since throughout their lives they've tried to change their personalities to fit the situation at hand. Adding to this confusion is the fact that they can't often trust what they feel. For example, people may pretend they are wise and sophisticated, while worrying about being "found out"!
Making Sense of Interpersonal Communication
Good communication depends on people understanding one another's true thoughts, regardless of the words they happen to be using. Since our brains work so much faster than our mouths, we often use a kind of shorthand, which might have an entirely different meaning for another person than it does for us.
When two of us interact, we often experience what goes on in such different ways. If either of us could see the way the other views the relationship, it would probably make no sense at all. Adults with AD/HD must also contend with the three-ring circus performing in their heads — they are paying attention to the sound of the other person’s voice, experiencing past and future fears, becoming aware of the freedom to or fear of saying what they are feeling, and concentrating their efforts to get meaning from the other person’s words. The more involved they are in trying to be less distracted, the less involved they are in the conversation!
Unlike a "non-AD/HD" brain, which runs on batteries, the brain of an adult with AD/HD is like a wind-up watch that requires winding periodically throughout the day. The non-stop circulation of thoughts and ideas in the brain of a person with AD/HD provides stimulation and is a wonderful source of creativity, but it often creates difficulties with communication.
Words and meanings are not always the same.
From our experience, it seems clear that many of the difficulties experienced in relationships result from the fact that the meanings of the words spoken and the priorities placed on tasks are quite different for the individual with AD/HD. It's as if they speak a different language. This results in miscommunication, misinterpretation and misunderstanding! Thus we often hear, "That's not what I meant!" or "You don't understand!"
Problems with word retrieval cause misunderstanding. You must know where a word is "mentally filed" in order to retrieve it. Individuals with AD/HD often have difficulty maintaining an organized "filing" system since the AD/HD brain creates so many options. For example, a person with AD/HD may file the word "apple" under the letter "A," or "F" for fruit, or "R" for round or red and so on. She may file it differently every time. However, the person who does not have AD/HD will probably file it the same way each time, under the most universal choice — A for apple.
The disorganized filing system of a person with AD/HD impacts communication in a big way, causing him to seem hesitant or unsure while he searches through his mental file cabinet for the right word or phrase. During this time, the "lottery ball effect" takes over. Instead of numbered balls flying around until they drop down the tube, a word, idea or fragment of an incomplete thought may randomly and impulsively come out of the individual's mouth. If it is inappropriate, he may then respond by saying, "Oh, I didn't mean that!" Oftentimes, however, The recipient of the remark has difficulty believing he didn't mean it, especially if inappropriate remarks are made frequently.
A thought process begins when a question is asked. The person responding must stop, listen to what is being asked, compare this information to previous experiences, choose an option and then respond. The person with AD/HD most often has difficulty in step one - stopping. As such, the process does not occur and, like the balls in the lottery machine, what comes out of the mouth is often a surprise even to the person who said it! This happens because of the difficulty isolating individual thoughts in a brain that's constantly being filled with new ideas. The spoken word only becomes real when it is uttered aloud. It is only after the word leaves the mouth that the AD/HD individual can decide whether or not it make sense, and whether or not it's appropriate. So the statement, "I didn't mean that" should be taken literally.
Priorities
The level of importance we place on something determines our priorities. In our clinical experience, many couples have never even considered that their different priorities can profoundly affect their relationships. For instance, simple day-to-day activities that require planning and organizing may not be high priority tasks for adults with AD/HD. A task that is more stimulating, or one to which he may respond in a more extreme or "emotional" manner, is more likely to be a higher priority.
Differences in priorities and time urgencies are often reflected in the "no big deal" response. For example, walking past a bag of garbage without picking it up, leaving the lawn covered with leaves, or even driving past the library with overdue books and not returning them may not make any sense to some. In the mind of the adult with AD/HD, however, it is "no big deal", since their thought is "it will get done eventually."
Becoming Aware, Accepting Our Differences and
Developing an Action Plan
Adults with AD/HD are complex individuals. Adding to this inherent complexity are the emotional defenses resulting from years of being misunderstood and not trusted or believed. One goal is to be aware of what triggers these defenses, thereby reducing anxiety and anger, which allows the AD/HD adult to incorporate the tools for improving interpersonal relationships.
Acknowledging and accepting differences helps the adult with AD/HD to feel respected as a separate person. Only at that point, can the process of successfully negotiating differences and working on those issues or behaviors that may be inappropriate begin.
An "action plan" usually involves change, either in behavior, attitude, environment, or responsibility. Change is an essential part of life, yet one which can be extremely painful for many people. There is not much hope for a relationship in which one person takes no steps to change. Often, we find that the non-AD/HD person is more hesitant to change, because it has been easier to blame all past problems on her partner’s AD/HD. On the other hand, partners with AD/HD often believe that the partner must accept AD/HD as an "excuse" for certain behaviors.
Neither partner in a relationship has to accept unacceptable behavior. When a person who does not have the disorder seeks a support group to help deal with a partner with AD/HD who is sloppy, has frequent outbursts, or is unable to hold a job, in some cases, our advice is to forget it! Behaviors that lead to disorganization, screaming or unemployment can be changed, but only if the person with the problems is able and willing to make an effort to change. If he is not, we suggest re-thinking the reasons for remaining together.
Getting out "poisonous" feelings like resentment and anger is important, yet it's often difficult when one or both partners have a hard time keeping quiet or listening without interrupting. We use and suggest "emotion dumps", which are similar to the "10 & 10" sharing time encouraged by the Marriage Encounter movement. In this case, because adults with AD/HD are often impatient, we suggest making it a "2 & 2" — two minutes for each person to write on paper or via email about how they felt that day, what may have bothered them or share positive experiences. We suggest using "I" statements, reflecting how the person writing feels, rather than what he perceives has been done to him by others. Since this format is not face-to-face, neither partner can interrupt, be distracted by the other's words, or impulsively make a judgment leading to a blowup.
Another tool which helps gain clarity in the relationship is the Top Priorities List. Each partner compiles a list of what he or she feels are the most important daily and long-term issues to be dealt with. In many cases, the long-term priorities are similar. However, the differences in daily priorities are typically great. What the adult with AD/HD may consider "top priorities" is often in direct opposition to what the non-AD/HD partner gives weight to, revealing possible causes of tension.
Essentially, mutual trust is fundamental in a relationship that works. Mutual trust is based on the ability to correctly interpret what our partner is trying to communicate and vice versa. That process is the one that takes the most work, but as we tell our clients, life never gets any easier, we just hope to get better at dealing with it!
BACK to ARTICLE INDEX
The Magazine of Children and Adults with Attentional Disorders
AD/HD & Relationships: Communication is the Key!
By Dr. Ron Weinstein, Ph.D. Clinical Director
and Marlynn Block, M.A.
The A.D.D. Center
"We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
"...one can change things by the manner in which one looks at them." Tom Robbins
"Tell me and I will forget. Show me and I will remember. Involve me and I will understand." Confucius
Many of the arguments and the resulting rages, tantrums or cold shoulders that arise between people in close relationships can often be traced to differences in perception and communication style. How we see and make sense of the world around us influences how and what we communicate to others. This usually becomes apparent to anyone involved in a relationship with someone who has AD/HD. Developing an understanding of these differences is essential to effective communication.
As therapists who specialize in AD/HD, we work with children, adults, couples and families in numerous capacities. Our experiences with these folks is "in the trenches", often as part of a school PPT team, as coaches when emotional support is needed, or as objective observers in the heat of family battles, helping to prioritize issues that are causing unbearable discomfort.
We, ourselves, must deal with AD/HD in our own relationship. Ron’s AD/HD was undiagnosed during the first half of our marriage and there most likely would not have been a second half had it remained undiagnosed! We are fortunate to have been armed with a professional knowledge of AD/HD and first hand exposure to how it affects couples, so we have been able to work on our own lives and relationship with a clearer understanding of the differences between our communication styles. We use this knowledge to help our clients resolve issues that may have dissolved relationships in the past.
It's not difficult to understand how the "triad" of AD/HD symptoms — impulsivity, inattention and hyperactivity/restlessness, can affect relationships. However, we believe that these "visible symptoms" have somewhat less direct impact than the ways in which they have affected a variety of "hidden" developmental characteristics.
Most adults with AD/HD were not diagnosed until they were adults. Throughout their lives, they have suffered a great deal of pain. Many have had to develop coping mechanisms to help them survive. Over time, the constant pressure of trying to cope with their problems brought on by their new ways to cope can bring about stress. As a result, some adults become overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and lose confidence. Since we can't go back and change this history, we need to move forward and realize that the efforts we put into our personal growth create hope for a changed life. Newly diagnosed adults finally have an opportunity to closely examine their lives in a more reflective and meaningful manner and to understand why they made the choices they did. But as we are aware, just understanding doesn't guarantee anything will change.
Therefore, we work closely with our clients to help them understand who they are; identify their strengths, weaknesses, and the hurdles they have to overcome; learn what they need to do in order to grow and experience a sense of well-being.
Who are you?
At our initial meeting, one of the first things we ask a client is — "Who are you?" This usually catches them off guard. They might have thought about the concept during times of turmoil, but for the most part, the question never entered their minds. Are they comfortable with their "gut" reactions to things? Do they believe that what they feel is appropriate? Do they feel guilty about not doing something or then resent it if they do?
Adults with AD/HD typically have a problem identifying who they "really" are since throughout their lives they've tried to change their personalities to fit the situation at hand. Adding to this confusion is the fact that they can't often trust what they feel. For example, people may pretend they are wise and sophisticated, while worrying about being "found out"!
Making Sense of Interpersonal Communication
Good communication depends on people understanding one another's true thoughts, regardless of the words they happen to be using. Since our brains work so much faster than our mouths, we often use a kind of shorthand, which might have an entirely different meaning for another person than it does for us.
When two of us interact, we often experience what goes on in such different ways. If either of us could see the way the other views the relationship, it would probably make no sense at all. Adults with AD/HD must also contend with the three-ring circus performing in their heads — they are paying attention to the sound of the other person’s voice, experiencing past and future fears, becoming aware of the freedom to or fear of saying what they are feeling, and concentrating their efforts to get meaning from the other person’s words. The more involved they are in trying to be less distracted, the less involved they are in the conversation!
Unlike a "non-AD/HD" brain, which runs on batteries, the brain of an adult with AD/HD is like a wind-up watch that requires winding periodically throughout the day. The non-stop circulation of thoughts and ideas in the brain of a person with AD/HD provides stimulation and is a wonderful source of creativity, but it often creates difficulties with communication.
Words and meanings are not always the same.
From our experience, it seems clear that many of the difficulties experienced in relationships result from the fact that the meanings of the words spoken and the priorities placed on tasks are quite different for the individual with AD/HD. It's as if they speak a different language. This results in miscommunication, misinterpretation and misunderstanding! Thus we often hear, "That's not what I meant!" or "You don't understand!"
Problems with word retrieval cause misunderstanding. You must know where a word is "mentally filed" in order to retrieve it. Individuals with AD/HD often have difficulty maintaining an organized "filing" system since the AD/HD brain creates so many options. For example, a person with AD/HD may file the word "apple" under the letter "A," or "F" for fruit, or "R" for round or red and so on. She may file it differently every time. However, the person who does not have AD/HD will probably file it the same way each time, under the most universal choice — A for apple.
The disorganized filing system of a person with AD/HD impacts communication in a big way, causing him to seem hesitant or unsure while he searches through his mental file cabinet for the right word or phrase. During this time, the "lottery ball effect" takes over. Instead of numbered balls flying around until they drop down the tube, a word, idea or fragment of an incomplete thought may randomly and impulsively come out of the individual's mouth. If it is inappropriate, he may then respond by saying, "Oh, I didn't mean that!" Oftentimes, however, The recipient of the remark has difficulty believing he didn't mean it, especially if inappropriate remarks are made frequently.
A thought process begins when a question is asked. The person responding must stop, listen to what is being asked, compare this information to previous experiences, choose an option and then respond. The person with AD/HD most often has difficulty in step one - stopping. As such, the process does not occur and, like the balls in the lottery machine, what comes out of the mouth is often a surprise even to the person who said it! This happens because of the difficulty isolating individual thoughts in a brain that's constantly being filled with new ideas. The spoken word only becomes real when it is uttered aloud. It is only after the word leaves the mouth that the AD/HD individual can decide whether or not it make sense, and whether or not it's appropriate. So the statement, "I didn't mean that" should be taken literally.
Priorities
The level of importance we place on something determines our priorities. In our clinical experience, many couples have never even considered that their different priorities can profoundly affect their relationships. For instance, simple day-to-day activities that require planning and organizing may not be high priority tasks for adults with AD/HD. A task that is more stimulating, or one to which he may respond in a more extreme or "emotional" manner, is more likely to be a higher priority.
Differences in priorities and time urgencies are often reflected in the "no big deal" response. For example, walking past a bag of garbage without picking it up, leaving the lawn covered with leaves, or even driving past the library with overdue books and not returning them may not make any sense to some. In the mind of the adult with AD/HD, however, it is "no big deal", since their thought is "it will get done eventually."
Becoming Aware, Accepting Our Differences and
Developing an Action Plan
Adults with AD/HD are complex individuals. Adding to this inherent complexity are the emotional defenses resulting from years of being misunderstood and not trusted or believed. One goal is to be aware of what triggers these defenses, thereby reducing anxiety and anger, which allows the AD/HD adult to incorporate the tools for improving interpersonal relationships.
Acknowledging and accepting differences helps the adult with AD/HD to feel respected as a separate person. Only at that point, can the process of successfully negotiating differences and working on those issues or behaviors that may be inappropriate begin.
An "action plan" usually involves change, either in behavior, attitude, environment, or responsibility. Change is an essential part of life, yet one which can be extremely painful for many people. There is not much hope for a relationship in which one person takes no steps to change. Often, we find that the non-AD/HD person is more hesitant to change, because it has been easier to blame all past problems on her partner’s AD/HD. On the other hand, partners with AD/HD often believe that the partner must accept AD/HD as an "excuse" for certain behaviors.
Neither partner in a relationship has to accept unacceptable behavior. When a person who does not have the disorder seeks a support group to help deal with a partner with AD/HD who is sloppy, has frequent outbursts, or is unable to hold a job, in some cases, our advice is to forget it! Behaviors that lead to disorganization, screaming or unemployment can be changed, but only if the person with the problems is able and willing to make an effort to change. If he is not, we suggest re-thinking the reasons for remaining together.
Getting out "poisonous" feelings like resentment and anger is important, yet it's often difficult when one or both partners have a hard time keeping quiet or listening without interrupting. We use and suggest "emotion dumps", which are similar to the "10 & 10" sharing time encouraged by the Marriage Encounter movement. In this case, because adults with AD/HD are often impatient, we suggest making it a "2 & 2" — two minutes for each person to write on paper or via email about how they felt that day, what may have bothered them or share positive experiences. We suggest using "I" statements, reflecting how the person writing feels, rather than what he perceives has been done to him by others. Since this format is not face-to-face, neither partner can interrupt, be distracted by the other's words, or impulsively make a judgment leading to a blowup.
Another tool which helps gain clarity in the relationship is the Top Priorities List. Each partner compiles a list of what he or she feels are the most important daily and long-term issues to be dealt with. In many cases, the long-term priorities are similar. However, the differences in daily priorities are typically great. What the adult with AD/HD may consider "top priorities" is often in direct opposition to what the non-AD/HD partner gives weight to, revealing possible causes of tension.
Essentially, mutual trust is fundamental in a relationship that works. Mutual trust is based on the ability to correctly interpret what our partner is trying to communicate and vice versa. That process is the one that takes the most work, but as we tell our clients, life never gets any easier, we just hope to get better at dealing with it!
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Restless
Here I am again, sitting and waiting. Ed was in Tampa today, left before I was even awake this morning. He texted me last night at like 1 am from the bedroom and said come to bed. I wasnt tired and really didnt want to go to bed so I went in to see what was wrong. He said that he couldnt sleep without me, but he never has trouble any other night. I sat with him for awhile and told him that I would be in soon. He didnt really say much, just that he missed me and just wanted to see me for a minute.
Lo came home late and I was up for about 15 minutes after that and went to bed. When I first got into bed Ed had his arm over me, but less than five minutes later took it away and put it on his hip instead. He was still awake when I came in and after that I just went to sleep. I was suprised when I woke up this morning and he was already fully dressed and heading out the door.
He really didnt text me at all today. Texted me twice from the airport here and then didnt text me again til almost 4 hours after that. He hasnt really replied to anything ive texted him. Then he texts me that we need to talk about his schedule when he gets home and asks me to get a box to send Eddies clothes in. Went to UPS for the box and it was 18.00 by itself. I of course am broke and didnt end up getting one. I luckily found a box in the house that can be used so I dont have to tell him the reason I didnt get the box was because I couldnt afford it. I definetely wouldnt have been able to afford to send it even if i was able to get the box. Its going to be almost $130 to send it.
Now im feeling restless and anxious about him coming home. I really dont want to fight but I can tell he is brewing up to it. I already told Lo that I refuse to fight with him tonight, im just not going to get into it. I thought about taking another Klonopin before he gets here just to help with that undertaking. I am already feeling strained and anxious. Ive fought very hard to keep my attitude and reactions in check so that we dont end up fighting. I also havent been drinking which I know makes me more confrontational, at least with him. He seems to be drinking more everytime I see him. I wouldnt call him a drunk because he has alot of stuff to do and he gets it done, I dont think he would start drinking before noon (my persona rule). At the same time he is drinking from the time he gets home it seems to the time he goes to bed. He probably looks at my smoking the same way. As I mentioned before it is getting out of hand. I need to find something else to fill my idle hands. I cant believe im feeling that nagging restlessness again. I dont want to head down this road again.
Even though the 30 MG adderall is helping its also getting more dangerous for me. I crave it more on the crash and the klonopin is not taking off enough of the let down. I dont want to raise one medicine to raise another, as it is tolerance builds and im just hoping that im on low enough doses of the benzos to be able to stop without withdrawals. I hate going through this roller coaster and Ed really does not have any idea. I know he trys but i think that really somewhere in the back of his head he thinks that im weak or defective because of this. He asked what would happen to him if he took it and I had been thinking that myself. I want to have him take it just so that he can understand how I feel and what I go through.
He texted me and asked me what im doing, I told him and he said he could go to the gym if I was busy. I texted him back that I could work with him here but if he wanted to go to the gym then I understood. Im sure im going to hear about that and it will be turned into you dont want me around as much or you are trying to get rid of me. I just hope that he goes to the gym and burns off some of that steam before he gets here. I feel like im going to have to make up for coming to bed late last night by going to bed early tonight. I hate this feeling like a kid that needs to make up for things that he thinks I am doing wrong. He knows that I have trouble sleeping and always have, since the day we met. I feel like I am constantly going for the uphill battle. Even when things are good on the outside I still feel like inside I am struggling hard to maintain this balance and keep it at this good point. Its mentally very stressful and I know in the long run this is going to hurt more than help.
I feel so trapped.
Lo came home late and I was up for about 15 minutes after that and went to bed. When I first got into bed Ed had his arm over me, but less than five minutes later took it away and put it on his hip instead. He was still awake when I came in and after that I just went to sleep. I was suprised when I woke up this morning and he was already fully dressed and heading out the door.
He really didnt text me at all today. Texted me twice from the airport here and then didnt text me again til almost 4 hours after that. He hasnt really replied to anything ive texted him. Then he texts me that we need to talk about his schedule when he gets home and asks me to get a box to send Eddies clothes in. Went to UPS for the box and it was 18.00 by itself. I of course am broke and didnt end up getting one. I luckily found a box in the house that can be used so I dont have to tell him the reason I didnt get the box was because I couldnt afford it. I definetely wouldnt have been able to afford to send it even if i was able to get the box. Its going to be almost $130 to send it.
Now im feeling restless and anxious about him coming home. I really dont want to fight but I can tell he is brewing up to it. I already told Lo that I refuse to fight with him tonight, im just not going to get into it. I thought about taking another Klonopin before he gets here just to help with that undertaking. I am already feeling strained and anxious. Ive fought very hard to keep my attitude and reactions in check so that we dont end up fighting. I also havent been drinking which I know makes me more confrontational, at least with him. He seems to be drinking more everytime I see him. I wouldnt call him a drunk because he has alot of stuff to do and he gets it done, I dont think he would start drinking before noon (my persona rule). At the same time he is drinking from the time he gets home it seems to the time he goes to bed. He probably looks at my smoking the same way. As I mentioned before it is getting out of hand. I need to find something else to fill my idle hands. I cant believe im feeling that nagging restlessness again. I dont want to head down this road again.
Even though the 30 MG adderall is helping its also getting more dangerous for me. I crave it more on the crash and the klonopin is not taking off enough of the let down. I dont want to raise one medicine to raise another, as it is tolerance builds and im just hoping that im on low enough doses of the benzos to be able to stop without withdrawals. I hate going through this roller coaster and Ed really does not have any idea. I know he trys but i think that really somewhere in the back of his head he thinks that im weak or defective because of this. He asked what would happen to him if he took it and I had been thinking that myself. I want to have him take it just so that he can understand how I feel and what I go through.
He texted me and asked me what im doing, I told him and he said he could go to the gym if I was busy. I texted him back that I could work with him here but if he wanted to go to the gym then I understood. Im sure im going to hear about that and it will be turned into you dont want me around as much or you are trying to get rid of me. I just hope that he goes to the gym and burns off some of that steam before he gets here. I feel like im going to have to make up for coming to bed late last night by going to bed early tonight. I hate this feeling like a kid that needs to make up for things that he thinks I am doing wrong. He knows that I have trouble sleeping and always have, since the day we met. I feel like I am constantly going for the uphill battle. Even when things are good on the outside I still feel like inside I am struggling hard to maintain this balance and keep it at this good point. Its mentally very stressful and I know in the long run this is going to hurt more than help.
I feel so trapped.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Been a while
Super Bowl night, Giants won, good game to watch. Ed has been here since Tues. Remarkably we havent fought since he got here. We have been getting along well despite me feeling so short tempered. I take it out on Lo which isnt fair. Its hard on her when he is here but I feel obligation to Ed when he is here and I know he feels that way too. I have no idea where things are with Lo, she seems so upset all the time. I know it bothers her when I disappear with Ed, I feel bad and hate feeling like I am in the middle.
On a meds note, the 30Mg Xr is working well for me but I am starting to feel that nagging restlessness again too. At least I have something to do to keep me busy so im not stewing in my head to much. I dont like the added short temper though, I feel like I need to just be left alone until it gets out of me. The klonopin helps a little with the come down but barely. I havent taken any xanax for awhile, i really dont want to start that because I see the likliehood of dependence as very high. At least with ed here I havent been doing any of the other stupid habits that I seem to have picked up lately. I am smoking more, I dont know why but its become a compulsion of sorts. I am definetely not going back to cigarettes. Its getting expensive though. We'll see what the doc says I guess.
On a meds note, the 30Mg Xr is working well for me but I am starting to feel that nagging restlessness again too. At least I have something to do to keep me busy so im not stewing in my head to much. I dont like the added short temper though, I feel like I need to just be left alone until it gets out of me. The klonopin helps a little with the come down but barely. I havent taken any xanax for awhile, i really dont want to start that because I see the likliehood of dependence as very high. At least with ed here I havent been doing any of the other stupid habits that I seem to have picked up lately. I am smoking more, I dont know why but its become a compulsion of sorts. I am definetely not going back to cigarettes. Its getting expensive though. We'll see what the doc says I guess.
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