The Anorexic insomniac-- Thank you Adderall

I think its safe to say that my life is out of control at this point. The days have become about surviving not living. I havent been taking the Klonopin or triavil but have done plenty of substitution. I slept today for about 4 hours this afternoon, the only sleep I have gotten in the last three days. I felt like I was waking up from a long dream but somehow im still caught in the lucid dreaming phase. Lo had come back at some point and passed out too, its a good thing I woke up or she would have never gotten up for work. I am pretty much back to the weight I was at right before I got sick. I have been living off a combination of red bull and whatever snack will get me by so I dont throw up when I take the adderall or have my heart racing out of my chest from exertion with no energy. Its not like im hungry and dont eat, im just not hungry. Ed has no idea how bad ive gotten, he hasnt even mentioned how thin ive gotten and I know he can tell, hell Lo can tell and she sees me everyday. From a psychological point of view all this of this behavior and the way im feeling makes sense. I can only think of it in pieces at a time though and even though I feel like im seeing it rationally, im still not acting accordingly. Like my mind is trapped in a body that just wants to escape and its the body acting of its own accord, taking over and medicating my mind. I know how that sounds but its none the less the closest description that fits.
This relationship with Ed is essentially manifesting itself into every the pattern of relationships i've always had with men. Once again I am being let down by the central male in my life and I just let it go. Sometimes I think im crazy and expecting to much from him but at the same time I know im never going to require less so whats the point to settling now? Am I being this self destructive in an effort to get his attention? Its sickening how much this is turning into my childhood all over again, no wonder im so stuck in the past, it just keeps repeating itself. The larger picture too, I am continuing my mothers cycle. I knew somewhere in my heart that this is how it would be all along, the huge irony that is my life. Lindsy and Dorrie were the ones who made it out, they struggled and continue to struggle and thsts made them so much stronger than me. Mom and I were always so close because we are so much alike. Maybe she always knew that and that I was going to be the one that needed the most help in life. Ive been given so much to work with and in a way I have used my past to escape far more than they have. Ive used it as my motivation and now for my demise. Its like I suddenly ran out of steam and started to go in reverse, whatever it was died with mom. Whats the point?? Even after everything she still died, if she couldnt do it what does that say for me?
Its sick to, the family should be so proud of Lindsy and Dorrie, they have gone through so much and they didnt have the same isolations I did. Dorries about to have a baby and Lindsy already does. They have always had more responsibility than I have and they havent done anything close to the BS ive done that I didnt have to do. Maybe all this self destructive behavior is the manifestation of my own self loathing, im trapped in my own hell. I feel like im almost insulated but as much as im insulated from the bad Im also not allowing anything else through, I cant emotionally connect. Its so cliche and im watching it through some window in my mind but its not really happening to me. Im hiding in the haze of all the shit im doing and puting into my body and I know where this is headed. Like I said before, I am merely repeating history. Its such an excuse, I resent myself for it but I know thats the end for me. Ive always known that was that it would be, the tragedy of history repeating itself, its sick but I feel its my destiny and from where I am now I almost take comfort in it. Its this interim, this space of time that I dont know how to fill that is killing me.

I shouldnt be thinking this much in this state of mind. What I really need right now is to mentally and physically recharge. Too bad Ed isnt home until wen, that gives me five more days to float...

"Have you ever had a dream, that you were so sure was real? What if you never woke from that dream and never knew what was real and what was a dream?"