Restless

Here I am again, sitting and waiting. Ed was in Tampa today, left before I was even awake this morning. He texted me last night at like 1 am from the bedroom and said come to bed. I wasnt tired and really didnt want to go to bed so I went in to see what was wrong. He said that he couldnt sleep without me, but he never has trouble any other night. I sat with him for awhile and told him that I would be in soon. He didnt really say much, just that he missed me and just wanted to see me for a minute.

Lo came home late and I was up for about 15 minutes after that and went to bed. When I first got into bed Ed had his arm over me, but less than five minutes later took it away and put it on his hip instead. He was still awake when I came in and after that I just went to sleep. I was suprised when I woke up this morning and he was already fully dressed and heading out the door.

He really didnt text me at all today. Texted me twice from the airport here and then didnt text me again til almost 4 hours after that. He hasnt really replied to anything ive texted him. Then he texts me that we need to talk about his schedule when he gets home and asks me to get a box to send Eddies clothes in. Went to UPS for the box and it was 18.00 by itself. I of course am broke and didnt end up getting one. I luckily found a box in the house that can be used so I dont have to tell him the reason I didnt get the box was because I couldnt afford it. I definetely wouldnt have been able to afford to send it even if i was able to get the box. Its going to be almost $130 to send it.

Now im feeling restless and anxious about him coming home. I really dont want to fight but I can tell he is brewing up to it. I already told Lo that I refuse to fight with him tonight, im just not going to get into it. I thought about taking another Klonopin before he gets here just to help with that undertaking. I am already feeling strained and anxious. Ive fought very hard to keep my attitude and reactions in check so that we dont end up fighting. I also havent been drinking which I know makes me more confrontational, at least with him. He seems to be drinking more everytime I see him. I wouldnt call him a drunk because he has alot of stuff to do and he gets it done, I dont think he would start drinking before noon (my persona rule). At the same time he is drinking from the time he gets home it seems to the time he goes to bed. He probably looks at my smoking the same way. As I mentioned before it is getting out of hand. I need to find something else to fill my idle hands. I cant believe im feeling that nagging restlessness again. I dont want to head down this road again.

Even though the 30 MG adderall is helping its also getting more dangerous for me. I crave it more on the crash and the klonopin is not taking off enough of the let down. I dont want to raise one medicine to raise another, as it is tolerance builds and im just hoping that im on low enough doses of the benzos to be able to stop without withdrawals. I hate going through this roller coaster and Ed really does not have any idea. I know he trys but i think that really somewhere in the back of his head he thinks that im weak or defective because of this. He asked what would happen to him if he took it and I had been thinking that myself. I want to have him take it just so that he can understand how I feel and what I go through.

He texted me and asked me what im doing, I told him and he said he could go to the gym if I was busy. I texted him back that I could work with him here but if he wanted to go to the gym then I understood. Im sure im going to hear about that and it will be turned into you dont want me around as much or you are trying to get rid of me. I just hope that he goes to the gym and burns off some of that steam before he gets here. I feel like im going to have to make up for coming to bed late last night by going to bed early tonight. I hate this feeling like a kid that needs to make up for things that he thinks I am doing wrong. He knows that I have trouble sleeping and always have, since the day we met. I feel like I am constantly going for the uphill battle. Even when things are good on the outside I still feel like inside I am struggling hard to maintain this balance and keep it at this good point. Its mentally very stressful and I know in the long run this is going to hurt more than help.

I feel so trapped.