Love and war?

Love and War?

How does the saying go... alls fair in love and war. That may be true but to whose detriment. I feel like someone always loses and its probably not the one who made the statement in the first place. How do you explain to someone that they mean everything to you but youre flawed. You can tell them and even try to warn them away no matter how much it hurts you but in the end I think people always want to find the good in others and think they can bring that out or save them if thats the case... Im sure this happens but more often then not I think someone gets hurt because they think that when they dont succeed it is a flaw on their part. I suppose you see it more with girls who go for bad girls or girls who go for bad guys. Most think they are gonna be the one too change them and then they dont and things are usually not good for the ones who cant change but what about the ones who cant be changed? I feel like it takes a really strong person to accept and deal with major flaws in a person, whether that be cheating or drinking or drugs or any other vice there is. I think that most people that fall into that "bad girl" category want to change, maybe they just havent found someone strong enough or patient enough to deal with it. Thats a scary thing to think about, you find someone, speaking from a person that needs to be changed, and you start to think that this person can deal with it and even if you put everything up front and they know I think they are still never really prepared for the kind of situation you are worried about and they want to change in you or keep you from falling into... In my case, if youve read my other posts you know my major battle was the blue devil... I thought that would never end, two years of my life spent trying to survive for nothing other than that. Everything I did was in some way related to trying to keep the devil on my back or trying to get it off. Far more time was spent trying to keep it on if im gonna be honest. Then I got sick of it and realized that the only way to keep it off was to get away and so I did. I moved 1000+ miles away from the life I had known since moving away from home. To be honest I wasnt leaving much at that point, I had shunned so much in my single mindedness for blues. I was truly on my own and I know I put myself there. All I could do was go home with my tail between my legs and hope that the agony would somehow end there. In retrospect I think it was by far one of the hardest things ive ever done in my life. I left without a backward glance on a moments notice and feeling like I had completely failed at life. I came home and felt like shit for a couple months at least, then I managed to find a couple connections, not to blues at first but vics and the like. Which to anyone who has suffered through WDs knows is like the next best thing to blues themselves. Then eventually like an idiot I got online and found a connection for blues. I dont even know why, I think looking back now I was feeling ok, not good but better then i was when i left. I just couldnt be happy, I felt like I forgot how to even smile. The only time I could even muster it was when I felt like I needed to for my family. So began the cycle of getting blues from online, at first it wasnt so bad but like it always does it gets its claws in you and youre right back where you started before you even know what hit you. I started the damn cycle of getting a shipment then going through withdrawals if I couldnt afford another one or if I had to wait to long for the next. I couldnt believe that even from a thousand miles away I had managed to do exactly the thing I had run away from. I can remember the last time I actually got them, It was my birthday of this year and when I ran out I was feeling like shit, driving home from my sisters and taking 100mg morphine just to try to feel like I was gonna make it through the day.

Then it happened, as it usually does when you are not expecting it, I started to talk to someone online, i know very cliche these days,but still... I started talking to her and eventually texting and suddenly I wasnt thinking about blues anymore, I wasnt thinking about anything but her. She completely captured my attention and I was totally blindsided. Suddenly I wanted to go out again and be alive again and not stay in the same basement I had been in for nearly six months. I feel like my body healed because my mind did now that i think about it. She patched something that had been long broken and I wasnt even sure what it was that was broken at the time. Im pretty sure now, again pardon the cliche, that it was my heart and spirit, and along with that my will to live. This was only talking through text but I just felt like I knew her and I felt like she felt the same way. She got me in ways that I didnt think were possible to get a person without years of getting to know them. I knew it before I met her, in person that is, that I was gonna fall hard and even though it was a scary and dangerous position for someone like me to be in considering my recent break from a long scary journey and the fragility that was still so painfully obvious to me.... If things went bad they could send me right back down and probably further then where i was before if thats possible. But I didnt even think about it, I just went with it I had to, I felt this compulsion to know her that I still dont understand. Within a couple weeks I felt like we had been together for a long time and I felt better than I had in well, two years at least. Probably more like four to be honest because it was just her and I not the triangle I dealt with for so long with Lo and Ed. I didnt feel any pretense to be something or someone I wasnt and I reveled in that freedom to finally be myself. I told her things before we even met that would have taken me years to tell other people, I was totally honest with her about myself even stupid things. I just wanted to say everything that was me because I felt like I hadnt even been me in so long that by telling her I was also rediscovering and remembering the person I used to be, that I wanted to be. I felt very free but at the same time we hadnt even met in person and even though I pretty much ignored that minor detail it still made me a bit nervous. Eventually the time came to meet though because we were already in as far as we could go without meeting each other and deciding whether or not to pursue it which seemed like a rather ludicrous thought considering how close we already were. I remember driving there and not really feeling a bit nervous. I should have, I've only met someone online once and that was very short lived and I had so much more at stake with this. Though I didn't want to admit it at the time my heart was already slipping to this girl felt like I knew forever but really didn't know that well at all. I really digress from the whole point of this post but I thought background was good. Too make a long story short we met and were completely in love within a month. It may sound crazy, he'll we said it was crazy many times but it was good and suddenly I felt like I was high. As close to a blues high as you can get without putting chemicals in your body that aren't naturally there. I was shocked, I hadn't thought about blues since she and I started talking and now I was feeling that way without having touched anything, except well her of course... Again I digress. Anyway I have quiet the sordid past and since I wanted to be myself and not have to worry or keep secrets I told her everything. The best and the worst of it though I feel that there was/is far more worse then there is best. I told her about the blues, where I had been, being sick... even Ed and how I met him which I dont think anyone except Lo knew. It was freeing and terrifying at the same time. I wasnt trying to push her away but I wanted her to know what she was getting into too, with the struggle that I had gone through with the blues and was honestly just getting out of. I had already hurt enough people with it and I didnt want her to be one of those people. Maybe I dont give myself enough credit, as she always says but Ive learned from my many battles to stay clean that it is a life long process.

Now back to the original point of the whole post, you find that person that says despite all that you have told them that they love you enough to deal with it. But is it fair? I mean she would say once again i dont give myself enough credit but I upset her last night and tonight and its indirectly about blues but not. I suppose I did this to myself by being so dramatic about the potential issues I face but I felt like I had to put it all out on the table and let her decide... At least I thought I did, put it all out that is... But im realizing that by focusing on what I thought was the most pertinent and most relationship deciding thing for her I left out other parts of me. Not intentionally but nonetheless I did and tonight I felt the sting of that. I dont ever want to be someone im not again, it made my life miserable and nearly ended it. However with that being said I also dont want to be someone that she isnt happy to be with. I feel like i keep messing up by trying to protect her from things that maybe I underestimate her strength on. And then there are the things that worry her that i screw up on too and whether its explanation or just stupid comments which by the way I am quite adept at. I feel like ive made a huge mistake though without realizing it, and something she said tonight made me realize it and scared me. If youve followed my previous posts then you know that I was on adderall for quite a while, then off for a while then when i got back home after a couple months they put me on ritalin... well I dont quite use the script the way it should be... I used to snort it in college, i feel like saying that kind of implies more than a couple times but thats all it was was a couple times but adderall is way stronger and though the ritalin helps, taking it by mouth is like eating a breath mint at that strength. Not that I am saying that its right or even the best way, maybe i should ask for ritalin xr but the whole point of it is that she hates it. I dont know if it always bothered her or just now thats she is with me all the time she sees it more and so it scares her... again my doing for trying to get her to understand the gravity of the situation with the blues, which she obviously does or i feel like she wouldnt have such strong feeling on this. Then again maybe she would, I dont know. When we first started talking, or maybe after we had already met I told her that I was out partying with some friends and they had yay and she asked me if i did it and i told her yes... I suppose i could have said no but I dont want to have to hide anything and she didnt comment just said be careful I think... Then the ritalin, which i was actually on a couple months before we met, or maybe just one but it has always been the same since I started it. I used up the script in a few days and then didnt think about it til it was time to refill and even then it wasnt like i marked the days on my calender. Then my sis got her scripts going again and I will admit that that was probably not the best situation... I feel like when I compare myself to my sister I am def not where she is and again just speculation and drawing on previous experience but I dont think I even could be... It has the opposite effect on her as it does me... I think I cant really tell i guess because its hard to judge your own behavior in a situation like that but she even scares me a little bit when she is on it. I mean its just like a person on speed and thats not the effect its suppose to have on people that are suppose to have it. I asked my girl tonight if I was that different on it and she said more talkative and outgoing but nothing crazy and nothing like my sister. My sister just goes on and on and you cant get a word in edgewise unless you tell her to stop and listen to what you have to say and thats normal conversation and she is very edgy, i know i can get that way but i also know that the klonopin helps not only with seizures but to keep that edginess away. What scares her is the way I am a day or two after I run out. I guess I can see that particular behavior and worry and i respect that but i feel like she needs to understand that even if I took it as prescribed and how I am suppose to take it I would go through that, except it would be worse because I would be taking it full time, all the time. my script if for 3x a day every month. I remember the withdrawals from Adderall when i took it for so long exactly as prescribed and it was nothing compared to a day or two of being a little down. Maybe its my own fear of becoming dependent on something again that doesnt allow me to take it like that. That may sound nuts but if you think about it it makes sense, to me at least. I know my limits, especially after dealing with the blues and starting to take that everyday as prescribed would cause a physical dependence that I cant handle right now. It helps me to not feel restless and to be in a better mood, which incidently in rare cases it is used as an antidepressant, i feel like talking more and being more outgoing for a few days is a lot better than the potential physical and eventually mental dependence i would develop from everyday use. Even at the small level im at it would eventually cause that, within a month. Im not ready, im not sure if ill ever be ready to deal with that kind of dependence again. I do doubt myself but only to protect myself from being to sure, the kind of sure that gets you in trouble cause you think youre fine and you let your guard down. Im fairly sure that i will never be in the situation i was in with the blues with anything else. Thats why i get my script and its gone so fast because if im honest with myself and i guess with her I dont want to add another involuntary dependence. I can and have dealt with the good and bad with this situation and maybe it only makes sense to me but I think I would rather have a few good days to focus and be happy and get shit done then worry about the consequences of taking it regularly, note as prescribed. There is no way a few days will cause that dependence, it hasnt in months and im not worried about it starting randomly now... However i will say that I probably should not be hanging out with dorrie when she gets her script. That has become to close together and its one thing for me to use mine because im actually using less with what she uses out of it but I dont need or want the extra that comes from her seemingly endless scripts either. I knew when I had to get away from the blue devil, even though i am a little thick headed and it took me a while. I can honestly say that I have learned a major lesson there and not one I care to repeat. I feel like I will know when I need to step back from this, like for instance what i said about not being around lanae when she gets her scripts. i will concede to that not being a good thing but its again also a testament to knowing my limits so much better now after having lost them so completely before. I guess that tonight made me see that too, the comment about always being with lanae and that being what we do made me look at it differently and reexamine whether or not that was going to be dangerous for me. I understand that i need to make compromises for both of us and i am completely willing to do that but i feel like that has to be on both ends. Like i said I need to be trusted and feel like i do have control over it, I cant let myself be scared of things because of past mistakes. I need this in a way to prove to myself that I can do this, not that I think I will ever be able to do it with blues for instance, i know thats out of the question but in my mind that shows just how much I have learned from that. I cant ever go there, not just once in a while, never. The whole situation with the blues and the company i was keeping and all that til i moved completely tore me down. Im not perfect and i never will be but as dumb as it may seem and again refer to the im not perfect statement and i do things kind of weirdly, this is my own way of proving that im not born to be who my parents were that i wont end up like them and i can do something without worrying that its gonna become a never ending cycle that i feel their lifes were. Maybe thats playing with fire but its also good to know that I have succeeded in many areas that they have failed and this is just another....

So I feel like in the end there will be compromise and everything will be fine because ive been through worse and like i said before i made it through where my parents gave up. Little bit of a sidetrack there but still pertinent. So now that i have been up all night getting this piece of my brain out it is time to go be with the one that i do so trust and know that no matter what we will always find a balance and compromise to any situation... Thats part of the reason I love her so much...

So the Journey continues whether we want it to or not

I cant believe I have been back home for 6 months now. I feel like I just got here in terms of what I have actually accomplished. I suppose if I really think about it I am in a better position now then I was when I left FL but I feel so helpless here. And def like a ghost of the person I was 10 years ago when I first left home. Its weird because its like all the people around me have changed and yet the environment and expectations are the same. I am so sick of pretending that I am the same whole person I was when I left. Im not, no one sees the shell of who I used to be, either than or they ignore it. I dont know if I really care anymore, my own disguise is failing and I am forgetting to put up the fake me which just confuses everyone and they attribute it to a bad day. How could I the one with so much potential, with the college athletic and academic scholarships turn out to be the most messed up of all my siblings. It wasnt suppose to happen this way. Shit my younger sister is 26 with a 5 year old and living on welfare but I still think she is more well adjusted than I am. I dont know who said it now but they said what I have been thinking all along, they thought I was the well adjusted one, the college athlete/ graduate and one with the determination to make it and I know better. My sisters may not have have the same oppurtunites as I have but apparently they took advantage of them. Even with all I had going for me I made a couple bad decisions and threw my life away. I know its not over but it feels that way. I lost the only person who probably would have done anything for me and the bitch of it is I dont blame her. I wouldnt have wanted to be with me that way either. I say now that I was young and stupid and to a large degree its very true. As ive gotten older ive come to appreciate the true beauty of what we had and the complete lack of love and respect that I showed that. I broke her heart so many times. It makes me want to cry just thinking about all the stupid shit I did. The worst part is that much of it is unforgivable, at least in my eyes, it would take a big person to look past that stuff and give me another chance and I dont know that I really deserve one, even if I know I would never make those mistakes again. She doesnt know. Many times I think she isnt nearly as happy as she was when she was happy with me. Not when I was being an immature ass but when we were happy together, out having fun, running by the beach, mountain biking, traveling, happy smokey and piggin out. The time we had smoked so much and had a huge dinner and less than half an hour later she asked me if we ate and I told her no and she ate a whole nother dinner. Holding our newborn nephew and watching him grow, getting to spend time with him in FL, taking him to the ocean for the first time. Being there are as some of the most important people in our lives died, my mother and great grandmother, her grandmother and dog daisy that she had had forever. Our best friend TJ. A lot of sorrow we survived together. A lot of trauma we made it through, I never thought there would be something we couldnt survive and I put all my stock in that and thats why I am so broken now. I had 100% complete trust in this person, would have gladly put my life in her hands and would have jumped in front of a bullet for her and the whole time it was me who was killing her slowly. I can remember when we broke up for the first time and she was sitting in the bathroom with razor blades threatening to kill herself. I didnt leave, no matter how wrong it was, no matter who I was dating, even though we werent together we were and every night I spent away was another sword through her heart. Even though I told her I would never leave her for anyone she couldnt put that complete trust in me. I screwed around but I came home to the same bed every night. No one ever compared to her in any way and I realized at some point that thats what I was comparing everyone too. I took for granted that she would always be there and when I finally settled down she would be there to settle down with me. No amount of spoken apologies will likely make up for all the heartbreak I caused and yet I know that if I dont get to be with her again Ill just keep finding out what I always knew, there is no one else like her and there never will be.

Interestingly I used to have these dreams early in our relationship and periodically throughout it that she was going to leave me and no matter what I said would make no difference. They used to upset me so much that I would wake her and she would promise me over and over that no matter what she would never leave me. I should have paid attention to those dreams, it was my subconscious warning me that thats exactly where my behavior was heading our relationship too. Occasionally I will have dreams now that we get back together but I cant tell anymore if its wishful thinking. I asked my best friend one time if she thought I would ever find anyone better than her and she said no. She was so right.

I dont want to live in the world without her, I just have to decide if her existence in this life is enough. I spend far more time in our past memories than I do in the times that are happening now. I get out of bed everyday and I consider that an accomplishment. If I can get of the basement apt im in in a day thats another accomplishment. My life is being measured in accomplishments that most people think of as second nature, things they do on the way to their accomplishments. Its not that I want to feel this way, I just dont know what to do to get out of it. Half the time I feel selfish for it and the other half I feel helpless. I seem to be best at hurting the ones that love me, whether they are aware of it yet or not.

I have such a long journey in front of me to even become a shadow of the former person I was. I smile when someone catches the grimace that seems permanently etched on my face. I do things so that everyone thinks im ok, but no one realizes what a shell of the person I was I am now. I feel like there is some barrier between the feelings that hit me and the actual feeling of them. Someone took the substance out of me and forgot to replace it with anything. I cant even remember the last time I was truly happy without any chemical assistance and even that offers no happiness anymore, just a numbness that is as close as I come. I say I dont really care but I guess that isnt entirely true either I worry about my family and the effect my downfall has had on them. They are supportive and do whatever they can but I follow through just to keep them happy, to keep them from worrying. Sometimes I think I make the effort just so they will leave me alone and believe the facade that I have worked so carefully to construct and maintain. Thats the thing about facades though, they arent the real you and eventually that will come out. I think my family wants so badly for me to be the person they thought I would turn out to be that they turn a blind eye to a lot of the stupid shit I am doing. They are a prayer will fix everything type of family and I dont even believe in that stuff.

I know I sound like im whining, I am very lucky to have a family like mine and even though we have difference of opinion they would do whatever they could to help me be happy again. Its just that none of them can heal a broken heart and thats truly what I need. I dont really think any of them truly understand how hurt I am. All my aunts and uncles and grandparents have been married forever. They dont understand the concept of having your heart broken to the point it leaves you laying on the floor with nothing but the breath escaping your lips to let someone know you are alive. I know it is possible to die of a broken heart, I just keep wondering why it hasnt happened to me yet.

I know a while I posted an opinion on the topic of suicide. I have a lot of info on the subject as both my parents committed suicide. I dont think I ever understood it until now. I was angry at one time and thought it was selfish of them too but now that I understand what they were going through and the similarity to my own situation I think that I am happy for the peace they attained. Even though I miss them both I know that even if death is simply a lack of existence, a nothing. It lacks the pain of life and thats the draw for many. I think as I stated before that I think the selfishness comes from the people who insist they stay because their sadness would be an issue yet the sadness that person goes through every day is not of concern. Everyone has a life and eventually they get sick of worrying or taking care of the person who wants to end their life but then sit there and say what could I have done. I dont want to be seen as the pathetic or depressed person, the perpetual burden and hardly fun to be around. As I mentioned before I spend far more time in my memories than I do in the present. In fact I think I would be hard pressed to come up with a specific memory from the last six months. Despite the cliche I feel like Bella in New Moon after she loses Edward. I am sitting in the chair watching the months and seasons pass but the chair keeps spinning and there is no Jacob to heal anything. What scares me is that there may never be, I will always compare everyone to her and no one will measure up. I may settle but it will never be her and that will always weigh on my mind and effect the person I "settle" with. Thats hardly fair.

However as my title says, life will go on whether I want it to or not. I know I have the choice to end it and it is something that I have both tried (you would not believe how difficult it is to kill yourself, painlessly at least) and will continue to consider it an option and in the meantime I hope that this endless spiral down will eventually follow the law of what goes down must come up. Im sick of measuring my life in times that I have something to dull or help the pain and spending the rest of the time thinking about how im going to aquire those things. I hate the person I have become and only hope that fate intervenes and gives me one more chance to do it right. I cant say that I wont screw that chance up too but I will sure as hell try my best to recognize it and make the best of it. I know there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse but its hard to think about that when you only know and understand the situation you are in, or not understand it. Its hard to empathize with a situation you have never experienced.

Ritalin Vs. Adderall Instant releases

Before I begin, a little note: I am prescribed Ritalin for ADD and I am an adult, my experiences may not hold true for the younger people on these meds. I also have no training or degree in Pharmacology or chemistry, these are strictly personal observations. I was also on a pretty good prescription coverage insurance program that allowed me to get my Adderall at a twenty dollar co-pay. After the loss of that insurance I am making due with the resources I have.

So after being switched from Adderall XR to Ritalin IR I thought I would offer my two cents. Ive done a little research online and havent been able to find the answers I was looking for so here is my observation. First of all Adderall is way more expensive then it has a right to be. I mean if you dont have insurance you are looking at least $200 a month in script cost and thats if you take it once a day. If you are suppose to take it more than once a day you are screwed. That being said I do think that Adderall is superior to Ritalin in many ways. My first complaint with Ritalin is the come down. I am sure that many would agree with me here. I have heard in my research that Ritalin has come to be referred to as Diet Coke and I can see why. At least in terms of craving more as the effects wear off it is a dead ringer for coke. In terms of effect on the brain Ritalin effects the brain in nearly the same way as cocaine. I havent noticed a marked improvement in terms of concentration as I did with Adderall. Conversely Adderall effects the brain more in the way of meth and since both Cocaine and Meth have the effect of craving more once the effects wear off I am wondering why it is so much more pronounced with Ritalin.

Once upon a time before I actually had a legit prescription for either I did experiment with Ritalin and found almost the same effect in a compulsion to continue use as the positive effects wore off. Even though they were not XR I still found they had a rather peak and valley effect. As a side comment it was a good thing I had a very limited supply of pills because I probably would have continued use til they were gone. Although this is another topic entirely I will say I probably had the best athletic practice ever in terms of performance.

With Adderall I never had a compulsion to re dose when I felt the effects begin to wear off. I was also far more focused on what I was doing with adderall yet with Ritalin I feel somewhat scatterbrained in I can start something and pay attention to it for a while but soon feel a desire to move onto something else whether what I was doing was finished or not, not unlike the effects of ADD without the help of meds. Part of that for me was the interruption of that desire or perhaps a better term would be a compulsion to do more to continue to stay on task. On Ritalin I tend to feel like after a half an hour to and hour the feeling is closer to taking massive amounts of caffeine than anything productive. I have seen in my other reading a reference to Ritalin as little more than glorified caffeine and though I would not necessarily agree with that I will say they do have their similarities.

Also with adderall the after effects are not nearly as unpleasant. Not only does ritalin have that nasty compulsion to do more but if you do not you do tend to feel more or less like you have had way to much caffeine and are all revved up with nothing you could possibly concentrate on enough to actually do. Again I have never noticed that effect with adderall.

Im sure there are a lot more observations that I have neglected to address here but feel free to add your comments or experiences and if I think of anything else I will add another post about it. In general though I feel way more whacked out on ritalin then I ever did on Adderall and felt like Adderall actually did what it was suppose to and well, without the negative effects. Just my opinion. Despite the cost, if you can afford it I would say Adderall is by far the better choice but again to each their own.

Late Night Writing

Every night I stare at the ceiling, the walls, anything not to close my eyes.
Anything not to see you in my eyes.
I feel the pain, its turned to a constant strain.
Death is lurking nearby trying to pull me down. Trying to offer its sweet relief, im almost won over in my belief.
From all these things I try to protect myself, sit back and put it on the shelf.
But it all keeps tumbling and im still crumbling.
I lay and pray that somehow I wont live to see another day but it doesnt work that way and still I live to see each new day..
Its a curse that I live to write this new verse.
Thinking I dont belong here and how that all seems so clear and yet I still stay in the hopes that ill find a way to make this pain fade, to see that I have it made.
You have me in your grips and I dont know if I can handle this.

You see my crying, you see me dying.
You know this pain, you can see it plain.
You see what I lack but you wont give it back.
Im dead to you, you can see right through.
My heart is bleeding but im still needing you.
Ill lay here and burn cause I never seem to learn
that no matter how hard I try it will always be a lie
that you cant believe, the thing that made you leave
The thing that makes me see that youre to good for me

So get away while you can, here ill even count to ten
Go now, run, head toward the sun and stay in the light
that I could never keep bright.
My life will pass and I may finish last
but thats never what I wanted for you and you can believe thats true.

Your last smile will have to last me a while
Til I can step outside and not have to hide.
Your shadow will never be far behind
and ill always be here if you want me to make you mine
I doubt it will ever be true but either way Ill always have a thing for you.

These lines are in front of me and I want to see more.
More and more til I hit the floor.
No twitch while I sit and bitch
about what I lost and what it cost.
The tears and fears of the last 8 years
fill me with loss that I just cant toss away.
Its a crime in a way but I still have to pay even if it was my choice to stay.
Just take me away, just let me lay,
let my life pass by, just let me die.

Amazing the perspective time gives

So much has happened, I dont even know where to start. Im coming from a mostly clean mind, Ive won some fights but sometimes I feel like im losing the war. Everyday is a struggle and most days end with my wishing I wasnt gonna wake up the next day, then waking up and wondering what the hell im suppose to do with myself. Funny as I read back over these posts I see so clearly now what I should have done, the road I was headed down. As the saying goes hindsight is 20/20. Ive gained and lost so much in the last ten years its hard to comprehend from where Im sitting now. From truly being high on life and sports to being high on everything else. Dealing with that blue devil has consumed me, made my whole life focus all about it. I hate myself for it. Ive lost everything thats important to me. Been robbed twice, lost everything everything ive ever gotten from anyone. Got pictures and clothes left I dont really feel sorry for myself because I can see that I brought it on myself.

Lost Lo, left ed and its me myself and I.

New Beginnings

It has been a long time since I last posted and with time comes change. The devil on my back has come and gone and come and gone and is in the process of trying to climb back up again. An annoying and wearisome battle to be sure. I moved to another state, back with my family in another attempt to thwart it but im learning that moving only causes your problems to travel. I now have a basement apt at my aunt and uncles which is far better then the last couple years as far as space and comfort. The same loneliness without Lo though. That I fear will never go away. In fact it has been the cause of many a wakeful night trying to figure out what it is I am living for again. I have forgotten what its like to be content and happy. Something I didnt realize I was until I wasnt. Lo said the other day that if I were to do, which I would happily welcome right now, that I would make the seperation permanent. That has merit but Im not sure that the way things are now is much diff. It already feels like a permanent separation and I dont forsee a change in that. I have looked at all sides of that and though I know and have talked about the "selfish" side of that I ultimately think in some situations it is the best thing. Is it not selfish on the part of others to want someone to live in pain and suffering just so they are still alive and available to those who want them there?

New Job... New Beginnings

So after a looong drawn out period of searching for employment, I am finally working. I had been looking for a long time for anything other than what I was doing with my last steady job. I was at the vets office for a while but that began to wear on me with all the cruelty I saw and the death. I kind of just left one day and never came back. They never even called me to see if I was ok, whatever, I dont think they were the brightest people anyway. After working in the clinic and seeing what has happened and happens behind closed doors I wouldnt bring my cats there. They lost 3 animals the week I left

Note: this was 10/29/09 just decided to post my drafts

Why does it come to this...

I am not sure what makes someone decide why there life isnt worth it anymore... I can only give my own perspective. Many people think its a selfish act but how selfish is it to give up the rest of ones life and not because of frivolous reasons, have you considered how hard it is to die alone, or even die. We all have thoughts and dreams we want to accomplish. Can you imagine being so hurt that the only thing left for you is to leave. Nothing that made you happy, makes you happy anymore. You are lost and alone, whether real or imagined that is the way you feel. Maybe you were wrong, you didnt give the one you love what they want, despite what they said. The rest of your family is gone... you are stuck in a situation you truly cant see a way out of. If you get to the point where you truly dont want to live anymore, I feel sorry for you, not the family you leave behind. They tend to hide behind BS excuses as to why they couldnt see it or recognize where you were. They had their own lifes going on... no one would say it but I bet that tends to be a reason. I say that with a heavy heart, knowing that the same applies to those I love. I wouldn't say everyone, but those who have know you longest or best would apply. For instance my dads family would probably do a lot if they thought that was where I was headed but my moms family, who has known me my whole life would be slower to react. Weird I suppose, but true.

My ADD has really been tough for me lately. I cant afford to see a doctor for it, and even if I could, I wouldnt be able to afford the medication. Really, $250+ for adderall is ridiculous, and I thought the patent was suppose to be up soon. Its really sick what the pharmaceutical companies get away with, I know I would rather not have to take anything and just be normal. The cost is just an added "Bonus" for me, just to be able to focus like most people. I think I could do great things if I could focus on something for more than 10 seconds. The worst part is I dont even know when I will have the insurance to be able to see a doc and when I do he/she may not be willing to prescribe me the adderall. Its a sad world when those who need it cant get it because of those who "want" it. Either way I need to do something, its not such a big deal while im not really doing anything, although that may be why I have not really been doing anything. Lol. I had to laugh at myself because I started a sentence then my phone went off and when I came back to the sentence I had no idea where I was going with it... Yes it can happen to anyone but such a typical ADD moment.

My sister has been in the hospital for the last 8 days... they moved her from where she was about 45 min south to a bigger hospital. She was in for pneumonia, then they told her she had Mersa, then finally they transferred her for a collapsed lung. I dont personally see the connection between the 3 but I guess thats why Im not a doctor... Anyway she says she is doing better finally, which knowing her could mean anything, she just doesnt want me worrying. I feel bad that she is less than 15 min from the family we grew up in and they still havent visited her. My older sis has been a few times, for which I am thankful.

I was freaking out about how I was going to get all my bills paid... My phone was shut off today but luckily a friend paid it and didnt tell me until they said call me when its on. Now I am worried about my car insurance, it is suppose to come out tomm but tomm is a Sun so im not sure how that works... anyways Im almost $30 short and since Im still on that account with Lo I feel really bad about it taking anything out much less putting it in overdraft. I still need to pay for the last time they took out insurance and another $40 I spent... I am putting my pride aside and asking my step dad if he can help me out so that I can put the cash back... Even though Lo took what seemed like a lot of extra cash out when I had my tax return in there I still feel bad. Besides, im sure she felt that I owed her which im sure I really did, I just feel like she should have told me. I told her as much, so I didnt feel terribly about the last insurance and money I needed to take for the car. I just dont want her to think I am taking advantage because if there were any other way I would do it. The last thing I want is her thinking im not responsible or cant handle myself... It just hit at a bad time in the month.

Im sick of feeling like crap all the time, every morning I wake up wondering why I did. I started a book then realized I already read it... "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom In it this guy tries to kill himself and at one point he says, those who want to die are the ones that have the hardest time doing so. It would be interesting to see what the statistics are for those who die by there own hand and those who dont but by the same method... for instance, how many people shot in the head survive vs. the amount of people who die by self inflicted gunshot to the same area... of course accounting for number differences in both categories. I guess my mom would be a good example of that for me... She tried to OD on pills so many times but then according to the M.E. she just took her meds twice in one night and poof, shes gone. After all she had been through, she dies on the smallest overdose. Of course I have my own theories about that but for now this is case in point.

Anyway, my whole point was on suicide, I just dont agree with the whole selfish thing. Having been at that point myself I know how much pain it takes to get there. The despair and anguish I have felt at that point is unbearable, im sure anyone who saw a way out would take it. The whole point is ending the pain you are in. I think saying it is selfish is just another way of throwing blame rather than accepting it. That being said, there are exceptions to everything. Some people overestimate anothers ability to deal with something they think is "part of life". For instance the loss of a partner or significant other, it happens to everyone at some point or another. What if someone feels like they have lost "the one"... that can mean something different for everyone and probably means more to those who have already found that person. There was a case in the news about an Asian couple, I use the generalization because im not exactly sure of the nationality. Anyway, the woman died, im not sure of the causes, and her husband was absolutely bereft. In the end he went to wherever she was (morgue or funeral home) swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and lay in the crypt with her until her died. I can imagine a lot of people would think this was sick, but I can understand. Having been in a relationship that I feel that strongly about someone, I use present tense because I still do, if that were to have happened I would have done the same. Who would understand but someone who has been that close to someone? Obviously a lot of other factors can work into that or what makes a person commit suicide in general but that is just my very general opinion. As I write this I realize there is really a lot more I could add but for now ill leave it at that....

What a mess.

I need to start a new job, any job cautiously optimistic about Cheese, need to call today to find out what the outcome of my interview and subsequent call to my old GM was. I am no where near patient and so I called myself to my old store and asked what my outcome was when I left. He said everything was good, so it will be interesting to hear any excuses if there are any. Im worried about not having insurance and not being able to get my adderall. I went to get my last script anticipating starting a new job but it had been to long since I dropped it off, so they wanted me to get it rewritten. Ha, it would cost me $250 for the appt, if I could even get a hold of him and then an additional $200+ for the script. Not having health insurance sucks. Ive never been political, but im starting to pay a little bit more attention to the whole health care thing. I don't pretend to know for a second whats best but I know it would help me a hell of a lot if I had insurance and could get the med's I need. I would definitely be more of what people would call a productive member of society. It seems like I focus less as the days go by, and I've developed plenty of bad habits to add to my general lack of focus. I feel like I'm losing my mind, it sucks to not be able to be interested in something for more than a few minutes. It always amazes me that I can even get through an entire post, which is why they tend to be few and far between. I know things need to change but im afraid of getting sick of things so fast that regardless of how much I want the job, I wont be able to keep with it. The more I think about it, the more I realize these last 8 or so months has flown by and I hardly remember any of it. I have become the thing I feared the most and as of now im really not seeing many options for getting out of it. I have plenty of ideas but having ideas and putting them into action are entirely different stories.
I am actually listening to music today, Ive found that for the most part Ive lost interest in things that used to interest me, the most of which being music. It also doesn't help that I am horrible about keeping in touch with people so I've pretty much isolated myself. My sister is not doing well, how you can go from pneumonia to mersa to collapsed lung, is beyond me. I feel like I should be there but im barely hanging on myself and I know I can't afford it. If she wants me there then I will go... Im feeling so much desperation right now, im not even sure what makes me happy anymore. I don't even know why I get out of bed in the morning right now. This isn't exactly where I pictured myself at this point in my life. I guess no one really ever ends up where they think they will. No amount of hiding or burying myself in books will change what my reality is now.

mistakes

"What matters more than the mistakes you make, is what you learn from them" T.I.

New roads on the horizon?

Im not really sure what to make of myself right now... Maybe just because I am reading the books, but I feel like Bella when Edward left her in the forest. I could I have been so stupid, even with being able to see this coming, I did nothing to stop it... i put too much stock in the word of another.. I wonder if she is missing me too. No doubt I am in by far the worst shape I have been in my whole life. Drinking only makes it worse but I feel like ill crumple from the pressure of my own broken heart if I dont black it out somehow. I dont even know how I make it through the day... not that others havent been through this but I feel truly bereft and after 6 months or more you would think I would start seeing the light... I dont know if i cant or dont want too. I just dont feel whole, i dont think i ever will. I cant imagine ever having that type of relationship with anyone. I was told at one point that my lot in life was to suffer for others... is that the whole leaving her alone part, and remaining unhappy to keep others happy? Its nothing less than I deserve, even if I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I have made my mistakes but this is a heavy karmic punishment, even for my behavior... i waiting for my last chance angel next lol. I hope she sees this for what it is, i would be by her side in a heartbeat, but i think she is happier without me. I love her enough to want her happy, even if it kills me. Which it may, i would have thought ive drank enough to put down a horse...I think ive blacked out everynight for the last month or more. The mechanic where i get my car fixed said they lost one of their mechanics too tequila... it took 7 years or more. I cant wait that long, however a passive route ive taken.. and not that it does anything to aid my postition with her. She would think me as weak and worthless as ever. She is mistaking inability as just that when its more like just not seeing what the point is to moving on without her. Im going through the motions, im sure it will take alot to pull me out of that.. if its possible. I wish i had some support or understanding but im pretty much stuck. I want to run away but im afraid of losing even the proximity of her. Why did it take this to realize I was completely lost withhout her, my soul mate. And does she not feel the same? This may be the death of me yet.

Dads family for the first time

" Lately ive been hard to reach, ive been to long on my own, everybody has a private world where they can be alone. Are you calling me, are you tryin to get through, are you reaching out for me, and im reaching out for you." " im just f*ckin depressed I just cant seem to get out this slump, if i could just get out this hump but i need something to get me out this dump i took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and got right back up...."I dont know how or why, or when i ended up in this position im in im starting to feel distant again.... I dont know how i got into this situation again, but I know one thing, ill be one tough act to follow." Not exactly the lyrics but close... Eminem song beautiful perfectly describes how I feel. I just dont think anyone can understand without walking in my shoes... the one I lost. I feel like im just going throug the motions. I wish I could qoute the song but it takes forever, just download it if interested. Meeting my dads family was an experience, I missed them almost as soon as I left. They are the only part of him I have left, I am left with more questions than answers. He may have shot himself, but he lived for a reason and the fact that his gf pulled the plug gives me murderous rage. She had no right and I will hunt her down till the day I die. She had no right and I feel that urge to kill when it comes to her. Movies show the same, you feel that obligation to your parents. He was coming home, maybe she killed him herself, who knows. I can tell you, she will regret ever meeting me thats for sure.

Where Am I?

So, its been a couple months since my last post and im not really sure im any further from that spot... That being said, I didnt re-read it because I probably would be embaressed by what I wrote, it is after all entitled Patron 3/4 bottle... That should say it all. The biggest things that have happened are a family reunion, that I nearly didnt go to, for lack of invitation and that I hadnt talked to grandma in nearly 6 months. Not such a great idea when it comes to family relations. I need to call her now that Im thinking about it. I am currently seething over a situation that happened while I was at said reunion. I left my cats in the car of a neighbor for 1 day and she says she locked the key in the house... She then took it upon herself to have a locksmith come out and change the locks on my door. If that werent enough to piss me off in itself, she then handed me the bill.... $200. Absolutely f*cking ridiculous, they took the old lock and changed a top lock that she told them had no key, which was done purposefully. When I contacted the lock company they of course tried to put all the blame on the neighbor saying they only pushed the door open and she was the one who decided to have the locks changed AFTER the door had been opened. I asked them very specifically if they used any tools at all to open the door and they said no, they simply pushed it open, could someone please explain to me then why she didnt just take the key and say thank you and leave? I need anger management, im ready to strangle someone for this. It may seem petty but really who has $200 dollars to spend on a lock that didnt need changing. That and the fact that this nosey freakin neighbor made a decision without even consulting me. Meddling does not even cover this person, that and she got a hold of someone I work with to take care of my cats because apparently she felt that one day was too much for them to be alone. I have not paid of course and I refuse to do so. This is going to lead to somewhat of a neighborhood feud im sure but seriously, what right did she have? The lock company is just as liable for changing the locks on someones place without even talking to them, just taking the word of a neighbor. I really could go on and on about this but im doing everything I can to make the company pay and if I have to, I will go after the neighbor. Yea it may only be $200 but its also the principle of it and the fact that the damn door looks ridiculous now and Im gonna have to pay for another lock that looks reasonable anyway. Someone is lying, either she is about locking the key in or the company saying that she decided after they simply pushed the door open to change the lock. Ok, still really seeing red about it but ill leave it at that for now.

Anyway, the family reunion, much less stressful then I thought, apparently my sister told my aunt that I was suicidal, my aunt then told my grandmother and I got a phone call that night. No animosity and everyone seemed closer then before at the reunion, the could be the influence of the gin though. It was fun to be around everyone and my sisters, hasnt been that way since mom was alive and we were young. That and I whipped everyone in pool. Guess all that time playing at the rec center with my sister when we were young paid off, for me at least... she still lost to me ha ha. Oh and the more interesting highlight, my sister was staying at my aunts and I at my grandmas, they only live a few blocks apart. So I went to my aunts and my sister and I went to 7-11 a couple streets from my aunts so I could get a phillie and get my sister cigarettes. I got my philly and put it to good use. Rather than smoke in my grandmothers car we decided to sit outside the car in the parking lot behind 7-11 and talk while smoking. We had talked for awhile and one car passed and I got nervous for a second thinking it was a cop, it wasnt... damn paranoia. A little bit passed and I turned to put out my philly... Not even 2 minutes later a bright light was shining on us and I was having a heart attack. The cop got out of his car and asked us our names, I of course was talking as fast as my heart was beating... being under the influence was not helping. I explained that we were just out here talking, that I was staying at my grandmothers and she was staying with my aunt, we just came out to talk. I offered up that I was here from out of state... stupid on my part I know. He asked if we walked and I said no that the car in front of us was mine. He said people dont usually sit behind closed businesses.. I replied that we could leave if he wanted. He said no thats ok, shined the light into the car, where my open container was sitting in a cup holder and then left. Talk about dodging a bullet. I dont know why he didnt see the can or even give us a hard time for that matter, maybe because it was 2 girls? Whatever, new respect for MI cops definitely earned. My sister and I were cracking up after that, she was far calmer then I was, of course she had nothing on her. I was the only idiot there. I hope that was a sign of my luck changing. It was luck for sure.

On another slightly less ridiculous note, I have gotten caught up in the Twilight series. I never watch a movie more than once and im ashamed to admit I have seen Twilight I think 4-5 times and just bought the movie. I also finished the all the books in about 4 days. I hardly consider myself someone to get caught up in things like this but for some reason its got me. I cant wait for New Moon to come out, even though I just cringed thinking that. Whatever, I guess it will be my little guilty pleasure. Im not particularly attracted to anyone in the movie, guess I just wish my life was as exciting. Probably what it is for most people I would think, that and I wish I could write like that. Ive wanted to write a book for so long, I used to write books when I was young, I dont know what happened to the ideas or the creativity but I cant seem to find it now.

So took a little break to go talk to the neighbor about not being happy with the lock, talk about shooting the messenger, she threatened to tell the whole damn neighborhood about not being paid and where I work on top of that... and I didnt even say she wasnt getting paid, I just said I wasnt happy with the lock and the lock company said that she lied. She practically threw me out of the house. I now despise her more, however, my anger is somewhat tempered by the way she reacted before I even had a chance to get angry. She threatened to sic her crazy gun collecting son on me on top of that. Geez people are effin crazy. I need to get out of here... I now know where that saying, drive you to drink comes from.

Part 3 Last Third

I dont know if I will actually get through the last 3rd tonight but it should stand as a testament to my state of mind that I have made it to this point in relatively little time. That being said, pause for another shot. I forgot I already set it up, probably a good indication I dont need it. Bottoms up... I have come to realize if Lo is reading this, it will just reiterate the fact that I am a loser. Not totally irresponsible but still a loser. No wonder she had resorted to emailing me on facebook and myspace rather than just texting or calling, how nice of her to make the effort at all. Again refer to above state of mind..

The sting I feel now, barely touches the pain I feel in my heart. This is the next day, passed out before I could write anymore and consequently post it. Not that im any better state of mind to being writing or posting this morning... Long story, and not morning anymore... 2 15 300 im sorry, ill be back and in the meantme ill watch out

Note: posted draft 6/20/09

Patron part 2. 2/3 bottle left

I was hoping that I hadnt actually posted that post last night but as I was reading it I became more convinced that my theory of people being there most honest when drunk was proven. I would believe a drunk over a sober person any day when it comes to saying how they really feel or what they really think. They may regret having said it, if they remember, and lie about it later but for the most part drunk people are incredibly honest. The time Ed choked me 3 different time in one night he was so drunk he didnt remember it, but it was always a feeling seething under the surface for him. That incident represented everything he hated and feared about my relationship with Lo, that he effectively ruined both directly and indirectly. The intensity of his anger I have always known, he had just shown me a degree I knew was there but hadnt seen yet. Not that I ever wanted to see it, and to be honest it took me by complete surprise, I know I posted about it. The whole situation was so ridiculous I still cant believe it. Contrary to what im sure he thinks, I really dont think about it that much, another piece of abuse in a history riddled with it. Maybe thats why it slips my mind so easily. It really was unforgivable, when I look at the past incidents with that as a culmination and everything else being much milder. Im less than half his age and he is more than twice my size height and weight. No way that was a fair fight, I know everyone that knew about it thought I was crazy to stay. Where else can I go, Lo just isnt an option, shes made it pretty clear where I stand with her. I have resisted asking her for any support and therefore have ended up not talking to her, typical me. I dont want to bother her or mess with her life any more then she feels I already have. She emails me she misses me and still uses that word, the one that had always held for me the love truly felt. For everything about her has become a mystery. I feel I am forced to walk this earth with a piece of my soul forever missing. I guess I deserve this, and really it doesnt matter whether I do or not, I feel I have sealed my fate. What I said, the promises I made, I am true to myself. Those feelings and words were true, even if im the only one who believed in them. The life I live now is one of fear and punishment, mental more than physical which I feel makes me the weak one, perhaps I deserve it. I would let myself get off with nothing less with the guilt and pain I feel now.

Why cant we all just be honest?

As I went through my old emails on an account I rarely ever check, there were a bunch of emails in there from ed. I guess not a bunch, like 3... Two of them nice and one of them typical him. I dont know what the situation was but he was obviously very upset and I think we had broken up and he was talking about how he couldnt stop crying and how he loved me so much. Reading that and the others I realized how little had changed and at the same time how much has changed. I was going to post the emails, just to give a better idea of what he is like, I may still.

This whole situation, the last few years really, have taken a huge toll on me. I feel so desperate and trapped right now. I really have no one to turn too, E will be gone soon if he hasnt left already... mixed feelings on that. Ed is really a constant stress, I feel like im on eggshells around him. I need to get on me feet and learn to be more comfortable with myself. Im in a tail spin right now and its really scary. Good example... right now, bottle of patron, great chaser so I cant taste it and the great green god has smiled upon me... bad combo and thank god for spell check.

Smoked way to many cigarettes this morning and ended up puking, thats it for smokes for a while. It seems like smoking cigarettes is involved in my restless legs too, I become more aware of it when im not smoking. Dont have a problem with any other type of smoking though, thank above. I dont know if I really would be able to function without it. I wouldnt eat, Id have trouble sleeping, my anxiety would be through the roof, and it helps my legs. I think thats part of what makes it so difficult when Ed is around, I cant smoke around him and its very stressful trying to sneak it in around times he is gone. As long as I have to be here I have to obey his rules, as much as even typing that makes me want to puke. I really see the manipulative commandeering nature when I take a step back, like reading those old emails it crazy some of the mean things he said... I guess ill put it in and edit for others privacy

"It's because I love you so deeply I writing to you now.If you remember what you wrote or said the month before that had us both so upset it is a repeat of this event. It is a pattern that I'm afraid Is one that you have been through before. I said get some help I'm telling you why. **** is a poor sole that is caught in the you trap of loving you and being with you and getting nothing in return except the occasional hug you give her. That what you had in store for me.You can't handle love like I have for you so you will destroy it. I'm afraid you will just move on to do the same to someone else. It will never get better for you until you get help. Please don't take this wrong I'm doing it and crying at the same time as I only want you to be happy.I felt because of my life experiences I was the man that could help you with all your issues by always reassuring you of love like someone younger wouldn't;t be able to do through your cruel behavior but I just made it worse ran faster. Nell thank you for the good things you did for me and you know what they were. I will love you for ever Ed"

Then this is from about a month before....

"I'm going to bed early in simpathy with you. Nel. Nell. Nel. When we are
together we need to be together I want you to sleep but I want you next to me.
You need someone to show you your beauty. Wrong I know everyone you meet loves
you. I'm going to cry all night I'm so weepy now. My heart is breaking. I'm so
sad without you. Sleep tight my love remember I'm there for you"

and this

"I was more upset today then I've been in 100 years. I m a tough guy with most
everthing but not with you."

and finally

"I just walked out to the pool area. I'm so lonely here in our get away without
you I can stop crying Nel I'm a mess. Tears are running down my face. I love
you"

As time has gone by his emotions are not nearly as strong and it could be that ive thrown it in his face so many time he has resolved not to let them show anymore. I dont know that I care anymore. I want to survive and thats the mind set I have when Im not wishing I were on another chemical plane of reality.

A quarter or more into the bottle of patron.. thats was a little while ago, now more like half gone and on a green stick. This wont be an interesting night, Im sure I will just pass out. Again I refer to the comment about this being a dangerous situation for me. I need to motivated toward something, school is my main goal right now. Laughable considering the state im in now.

Some how I know im never going to get over this period in my life. Ive contemplated alot of things in this time, fear is the thing that holds me back in any decision I make. I truly feel I have nothing to live for anymore. Lindsy will be ok, she is much stronger than me, they both are. Lo obviously has no need for me and Ed will be fine. If no one needs me, I would just rather be where I belong.. with my parents. I miss them, I need them. Maybe im just not cut out for the world, I dont want to spend my life suffering. I cant shake the feeling that thats where I will end up, my destiny if you will. My heart is gone, what else is left?

Day and Night

Things are at somewhat of a standstill, with everything. Im finally away from all the sub, never going back there. Things have happened with Eds work, the company was sold and Ed is basically reduced to a consult to keep the important accounts that he has such rapport with, that they will likely find other options if he isnt part of the working relationship with the new company. One of the 3rd largest in the US. It is acknowledging without acknowledging that he is an asset to the company but without really giving him anything and taking his job and making it seem much less important,,, yet they want 100% account retention that basically rests on him and depends on whether he really gets the 2nd year of the contract. Its really messed up, I feel bad that a 30+ year career has come down this. Everything gone in the course of one conversation. No more responsibility like before, suddenly everything is new and alot depends on understanding that new role and mastering it before you really know what it is. That being said, thats what you get for making your entire life your work, when its gone, you are left holding onto strings and everything you sacrificed to get to where you were is still gone... youre not left with much. Everyone deals differently, some reinvent themselves, others cant take it. Im not sure where Ed falls but im leaning towards him reinventing himself... Unfortunetly its not just the work area of his life that needs revamping. We hardly talk anymore, its a relief while at the same time being a source of anxiety.

I need to get my shit together and get myself into a situation that im truly happy in. I truly miss Lo but if I really stop to think about it, im not sure what it is im missing. Im not sure if its the company, a true love, a soul mate, a best friend, a romantic notion of true love in my head? I know that I will base every person I ever come into a relationship with on her. At the same time she turned out to be everything that scared me and like the devil is somewhat of a fallen angel in my head and heart now. Everything she said she did the opposite of and in the end took the only thing sacred to me, trust, I trusted her implicitly and she knew that and counted on it in the end. She was the only one I have ever truly trusted and perhaps that is where my true lonliness comes from, not trusting anyone is being on your own, whether you are surrounded or not.

Ill never return to the path I just came from, the damage ive caused to others and the consequences thereof have been felt and are done. I wont further damage myself by playing with fire, but ive learned there is more than one way to light a fire and I need to be careful with matches as much as the fire they create. It seems like every turn I make right now has negativity attached to get by. Its a viscious cycle I really want to break. I should know by now how quickly something can turn on you, ive found that to be true with anything, people, pets, meds, drink, food... best friends, those who say they love you more than anything in the world, more than their life. Let me just say on that, I ve heard that more than once and yet still, here I am alone.... Ive made my mistakes, its hard for me to accept love will not forgive them all..

30-60 Days...

Ok, so now having been through the worst year of my life and on somewhat of a continuum from mediocre to worst still as a daily measure now. I thought that I made a life changing decision when I decided to get on the Sub, no other method worked for me. Not that I tried anything other than trying myself but still, I tried many ways myself. I have no desire to do anything I was doing before but im finding out now that even with a slow taper and going all the way down to crumbs... Im going to go through hell for at least a month to two months. Now I knew that there would be WDs with the sub and that was one of my reasonings for not going on it right away when I first heard of it...

As time went on, and at the same time it became apparent as I was losing everything that nothing was working as far as getting off, I still never really thought about going on it. Knowing what the WDs were for what I was already going through were enough to scare me away from just substituting. I finally heard of someone who had a habit close to me that took the sub for a week to get away from the other chain and was able to quit with no problem. Still not having really done alot of my own research I didnt really give any thought to the problem of RIDICULOUSLY LONG HALF LIFE. The combination of knowing someone who was able to jump off with no problem and knowing that this was my final chance for a lot of things, most importantly saving some shred of dignity (not sure I have accomplished that) I finally called the doc an made the appt as you know from previous posts. Now after having done alot more reasearch I realize that this could have been an even bigger mistake and now, when I really have no support as far as anyone being around or really having anyone to talk to, this may be the worst part of this horrific trip i've been on.

I planned right away to do less than what the doc prescribed and pretty much taper after a week. Still not fully comprehending how long the half life was, never actually having heard anyone give an exact number or range. I planned for only a week and ended up being on it for more like a week and a half to two weeks. I jumped off at I think a quarter of the 8mg so like 2 mg... I had no problem it seemed, I was still on the klonopin prescribed by the same doc. Also the greens.. thats it. The first few days were ok and then it seemed looking back that I just started to lose a little more energy and gain a little more restlessness every day. One day I was on the roof deck with a smoke and as I walked back into the house I realized I forgot something out where I was sitting. Literally I didn't think I would have the energy to walk back out to get it. I did due to the possibility of inclement weather, which is always a possibility here, but it took a ton of effort. By the time I got downstairs I crashed on the couch and felt like I couldn't breathe, giving myself a little panic attack. It passed eventually but that general feeling of exhaustion was always there and seemed to be getting worse. My anxiety was getting worse at the same time and being on my own that alone was/is terrifying. Sleep was difficult, I started taking advil PM but thought the antihistamine was messing with my legs which seemed to be getting worse. They generally ached and had that vaguely restless feeling that I have felt much worse but know so well. Not to mention depression and total lack of motivation, most likely related to my inability to sleep or get off the couch. If I had someone here a lot of things would be helped like the anxiety and depression and I would be forced to get off the couch (shred of dignity thing). Being completely isolated is definetly not a good idea when attempting a WD from anything or thereafter for that matter. Having some kind of constant support physically around, at least through the first 30-60 days I think is essential for moral support and general help when you cant pick yourself up off the floor. Not that its realistic just what I think is very important, personally.

Back to my point, if I have one.. So finally got to the no sleeping point and that too im sure contributed to the exhaustion. I was probably at two weeks at this point and then realized it may be the sub... I took a quarter and my hunch was right. My legs quieted down completely, the anxiety abated, I actually had some energy and motivation to get something important done. Most importantly, I was able to sleep with relative ease. I still didnt really attribute anything to sub WD, I thought I just stopped to soon and didnt give myself enough time to cleanse myself. Little did I know it was the opposite and it was the sub that stayed there forever.

Anyway this led me to do research about people getting off sub in earnst and thats when I learned of the ridiculous half life and the likliehood I had progressively felt like crap. Sub can stay in your system for up to 11 days and while you are WD during that period you really dont start a complete WD until possibly up till 11 days. That being said there are factors that lengthen or shorten that period and possibly severity of WD. Most of what I am reading about these incredibly long WD periods is from long time users, like two years or more. There is very little on those who were on sub for short periods. Plus there is a difference between suboxone and subutex that im sure makes a difference in time period too. I dont know if im on the good or bad side of that. Everyone had symptoms similar to mine and im sure would have only gotten more similar had I not reset that clock. So even though I was only on it for a limited amount of time, I know this is going to be a rotten WD. Im hoping that because I know what im going through this time and I was on it for such a short period of time, I will only have a couple weeks of hell before I start to feel better. From what I experienced and have experienced the WD is still nowhere near as bad as it could have been with the other, it just lasts forever. Im not sure whats worse now, the short period of severe hell I would have been in stopping the other or what im going through now with this. At least I knew what to expect for the most part with the other, this comes and goes after an acute period for who knows how long. Every individual is truly different with this, whereas most people know the length of time for the worst and be able to measure feeling better in days and not weeks like I am reading about sub. A week seems like an eternity, especially alone and having nothing going on, I cant imagine measuring 5-10% increments of feeling better by weeks and not days. Thats just one persons estimate and story but I like to prepare for the worst if I can so im just gonna take it as the baseline.

The worst part is that the stigma for me is still attached even with the sub which was another reason for jumping off so soon. What seemed like the solution, seems to me, and echoed by many others, may have just put off the solution. So I can only hope that I will be on the shorter and less severe end of this and do what I can to ease what I can. Im just waiting for the worst to start, probably not the best mindset but knowing how long this can take I know there is worse to come. I just want to come through this... I just want an end to this hell that has been my life for the last 1.5 years and generally the anxious depressed person ive been for the last 4 years.

"So sick and tired of being sick and tired"

Candle (sick and tired) by White Tie Affair... This is a perfect song for me right now.

I feel like Im being swallowed in by myself, im losing myself to the quiet and shame and sadness and inability to really wrap my head around anything right now except those feelings... I feel selfish in that I turn become lost in myself and shut everyone out, the isolation I feel on the inside becomes my hell on the outside. I cant help it, ive spent so much of my life doing it. I cant reach out, I feel so frozen and unsure. Where did I lose my confidence? I can pretend for only so long before I feel the anxiety and sadness grip me.

I havent talked to my family, im pretty sure my grandmother has disowned me for not calling in a couple months, I just cant face talking to her. It sounds crazy but the longer I didn't call her the harder it got to to call and when I called on her birthday she was very short and it was clear she was pissed. That kind of rejection right now is just more than I can handle.

LOL, I am listening to a Pitbull song thinking of a cheerleading routine to it. I hate cheerleading and it in no way is appropriate for the song. Sorry thats the greens talking.

At least I still have moments of humor I guess I have that to be thankful for... good note to end on. I need to start writing more often, Im suprised ive had the focus for the last few posts. I hope that is a sign of a general upward trend.... we'll see.

Seriously?!

Ugh... I feel like I've had it. Im struggling from day to day, hour to hour. Im so alone and this is really a time that I have needed support the most. I hate this feeling of never knowing when its going to end, having really no one to talk to about it or anything else for that matter and feeling so paralyzed with anxiety and depression. I need to get a job, I know that will help, but it could also hurt and the anxiety of the process of getting a job seems daunting. I need to be in a laid back place, make at least enough to save a bit and have understanding bosses. It would really really help if it was at least half way interesting too. I know thats going out on a limb but if im going to succeed I know at least part of the recipe.

Of course if I could focus for any length of time, that would be great too. I cant take my adderall for two reasons right now... soon to be three. First, not sure how it will interact with subutex and I dont want to put myself through a day of possible panic and hee bee jee bees in my legs to find out. Second, I have no insurance and the script is obviously very expensive... which brings me too my third soon to be reason. I only have one script in the pharmacy and I stopped seeing that doc when I went to MI to try to get clean. When I came back he didnt return the phone calls. I guess 4 months was a bit long for him to wait on a patient? Now I have to find a doc that isnt going to hassle me about prescribing the klonopin or adderall and if he would throw in a litle bit of xanax for breakthrough panic and not sleeping, that would be nice too... Luckily the sub doc is prescribing klonopin
and im just not filling the extra sub scripts so I have a little bit of time to find a psychiatrist that will treat... I was thinking about going back on the triavil because it worked so well for me before, but again, afraid of it interacting with any sub or sub withdrawals. Wouldnt hurt to have an appetite again either since that will help replenish and stock essentials for my brain to start getting back into some sort of normal chemical pattern, which I hope is still possible.

I hope im doing this the right way, there is a long list of things that still need to happen before I will really consider myself "living" i.e. friends, job, good relationship etc but there are alot of little things within myself that have to happen too before those big things are possible. Being able to make it through the day, go to bed at night, sleep through too the morning and wake up without feeling like crap is a good place to start. Obviously I will have to multi-task and work on the job and all the other stuff at the same time.

I just would like maybe a weekend of relief. Of feeling happy, of being able to just drift asleep when I want too, of not knowing any anxiety and everything being alright with the world, having someone that I love and truly enjoy to talk to and do just about anything with, there to bask in the glow of not having a worry for once.

I just need a break.