Christmas is almost here

Two more days till Ed goes home, he hasnt been here much in the day but we have been together every night. I have no idea where we are and from my point of view things are just a little different, im not sure if in a good way or bad. The whole family christmas thing is not going to work out and I should be upset about it but im really not. He put it off till the last minute and now its just not going to happen, coordinating flights this late is nearly impossible. I dont know if I should just go without him or what but I cant imagine spending all that time there by myself. Lo has to be back to work two days after christmas I think, the problem was we couldnt get a flight out until christmas day cause she had to work the day before.
The other side of that was that really the whole reason we were trying to coordinate it is because I dont want to fly and I definetely dont want to fly alone. Grandmas gonna be pissed im sure, I will have to make up something good to make up for this one. Ed said we could take a few days in the next couple weeks and go but I doubt that would end up happening either. I cant believe how much of a let down he can be sometimes. He keeps asking Lo what to get me for christmas but I really dont want anything. I want to be able to get things for at least Lo and my sisters. Plus I cant get him anything so it would just make me feel worse if he got something for me. I just want to be able to cover everything right now, I hate that feeling of scraping.

I hate the holidays

Weather Roach... This is really funny.

Here we sit

So I guess everything is ok with Ed now, we havent really talked things out but decided that the way we were acting was hurting us both. we went out to dinner tonight... I think we had some really good conversation. I think that we are both really unsure of what happens from here and now we have no direction. He is trying and so am I but then that ends up being the problem, that we both feel that we have to try so hard and then it just seems like the relationship is hard Eds thought was that we are trying to hard and thats why it seems so hard but I think he is wrong. I think its not working out is because niether of us is ready for what the other wants. How can we be so happy together but still not be able to get it right. He is about to leave for the next couple weeks too. We cant work out family Christmas so that we will be together and that really has more to do with me than him. I just dont want to fly by myself but it will be nearly impossible for him to fly from NY to FL to MI with me. We have checked all the airlines and it just wont work. We were going to have Lo fly with me from here to MI and then Ed meet me in MI and we fly back to FL together but we cant manage to work that out either.
It all seems so difficult and thats what it shouldnt seem by my point of view. Love shouldnt be this difficult, i know I have ideals but this isnt something that should have to fall into the ideal catagory in order to work.
He asked me what I want for X mas and all I really want is to be able to get everyone what they want. I told him that and he said that was fine so at least that will be out of the way. I dont know if he really understands that but he seemes like he did. I just want to get them something that they really want and not just something that they need. We went that route when we were kids, getting things because it was what we wanted and not necessarily what we need. I know Lindsy would rather have A DS then anything else. I should just give her mine since I never use it...
I think I am going to so phone cards and some essentials like a phone card and a bag of tobacco. I have no idea what to get Donny but I will call her before I get up there and see what I can do.
I am disappointed that Ed isnt going with me but more because he had all this time to do it and it came down to the 2 weeks before. I dont want to go by myself, it isnt just about the flying, it has to do with not going crazy without any company too. Ill die if I cant smoke and its much easier to get away when you have another excuse with you.
I was suppose to call her (grandma) on Friday too and I didnt. Im gonna hear about that later but I really just dont want to hear it. I know she will be happy to hear we are doing well but it all seems so fake. I cant believe that he is begging out of this, he had so much time to work it out and now it comes down to the end and I have no idea what I am going to do. I need to get out of a situation that I need to rely on Ed for cash and a place to stay. This is never going to feel comfortable until I can survive without him. Its never going to be equal and I think thats something that we both realize.
I tried to twll him tonight that he doesnt have to smoke with me if he doesnt want to and he wanted to know why I was telling him that and really it had nothing to do with anything excep feeling bad because I felt like I was pressuring him, even though Ive never asked him to do it.
I worry about his health and age to with the smoking and just because he hasnt in a long time... He passed on the smoking tonight, I just offered and he turned it down. More for me, I dont really care if he smokes or not, as long as he doenst offer his opinion on my habit of it. I told him from the beginning of this relationship that that wasnt going to change. Im proud of myself for sticking to that right away, to bad im not like that about other things in my life.

In other areas, I went on myspace and facebook with the sole purpose of finding Jamie from High school. I did a name search and came up with nothing, eventually got caught up finding people from my class and when I moved on to the class after me I found her. Funny thing was I found her sister first... It will be fun to catch up. Its so weird to see people from high school in the 7 year later category. Some people look exactly the same and others like me look totally different. Ten year reunion ought to be interesting.

The Resolution

Last time I wrote I had just gotten in a huge fight with Ed, I havent had the energy to write since. After a very long and creul couple of days he finally decided that I had been punished enough and that he did still love me afterall. I wrote him a long email telling him how much I wanted to be with him and making a general attempt at explaining myself. He didnt answer it that day and sounded if anything more unsure... Just when I was about to say fine be that way he decided to call me and stop being a jerk.
Fast forward to now and we are sitting here at Barnes and Noble and Ive made an attempt to be super close since he got here but for some reason something just isnt right. I keep asking whats wrong and he isnt saying anything, I dont think Ive done anything wrong since hes been here but I dont have to be the one to think its wrong so who knows. Its such a beautiful day out and yet things seem so off. I dont know where my heads at right now. I want everything to be fine, but i think we both feel that it isnt. Thinking back to my other relationships I can see that this one can easily fall into the same pattern and thats what I am trying to avoid. I really do want to change myself, not just for him but for me too. I feel like im kind of faking it right now, maybe thats what he feels. Im not faking that I love him, just the happiness and trying to be super cheery when really all I want to do is cry. I cant believe how much he says he loves me and yet he is so clueless at the same time. How difficult is it to see what makes someone happy? I mean, if you know whats stressing a person out than thats probably what I would start with, but thats just me.
I just want to start settling into life now. I think its really important for me to go back to school but whenever I mention it he doenst say anything about it. He knows I cant do anything without his help. I wish I had never put myself into a situation where someone else has so much power over me. If we fight and he says get out then I really dont have that much of a choice, thats a big factor when we are fighting and he was the one to bring it up this last time. I hate having things held over my head.
Getting a job is becoming a top priority for me, as long as I know I can provide for myself then I will be able to be myself and not worry that my actions may mean the difference between being thrown out or not. I hate feeling this unsettled, I feel like im walking on eggshells now. I dont want to say anything for fear he will take it the wrong way and I will be headed for another night of hell. Ughhh! So here we go again, I just want to make it through the week without arguing and I am going to do everything I can to make that happen. Ill figure out what to do from there.

Break Up

Note to self anger is BAD! Ed and I got in a major fight last night, that is an understatement actually. I kind of went crazy on him and I was totally crazy. It started because the night before last he told me he thought he was going to have a hard time being the man I want him to be in the future. My reaction was to get upset immediately, I took it exactly how he said it. It sounded to me like he was telling me we just werent going to work out. Then really the annoyance and anger about just boiled over to yesterday. He explained that what he was looking for in saying that was for me to tell him that he already was the man I wanted. He was just looking for some validation I guess. Then yesterday during the day he texts me and asks me if I want him to try and stay another day. I told him of course, that that was a stupid question. He agreed saying that he was having a blond Polish moment. He didnt mention anything else about when he was leaving all day. He texted me around 2 and asked me if I wanted to eat when he got home at 3. Since his flight was around 6 I asked him if that meant he was flying out then or waiting until the next day. He never answered my text. Then when he got home he kind of seemed like he was in a hurry so I asked him again if he was leaving today. He did that little look when he knows hes done something wrong and is going to be scolded for it. I said since youre leaving tonight lets go eat, he asked what him leaving tonight had to do with leaving? I had just assumed that he wanted to eat before he left and that was why he asked me and I said as much. Then he leans in to me and says "eddie I really want you to stay another night, I miss you and need you here." I felt like he was playing games with me and that it wasnt fair. Of course I wanted him to stay, he knew that, why does he always have to play this attention games.
I told him it was ridiculous and went out to lay on the bed. We talked about how frustrating it was for him to do that. I hate games and the decietfulness with which he goes about trying to get attention. I told him that, he agreed with me. We didnt talk for awhile and then got up to go to dinner. I didnt really want to go out and I had told him that, then I consented to just go out for drinks. We really didnt talk the whole time either on the way there or during dinner. Then at dinner I had three beers, which was a bad idea and he was drinking three glasses of wine. I just got upset and obstinate and I was a little more then tipsy, I didnt eat much. I just wouldnt let it go, its like I was intent on blow by blow til he finally blew up at me. Everything that I was afraid of him saying he said, he was just as hurtful to me as I had been to him. He basically said I was a piece of shit nothing and that when someone mentioned my name in a week he was going to have forgotten all about me. I went back and forth between shock and anger and desperation. It was not a pretty moment for me. I told him he might as well kill me, even squeezed his hand around my throat, yes I can be dramatic. He pulled over and I pulled the keys out, opened the door and chucked them. I spent the next hour being verbally abused and begging for forgiveness for a craziness I hadnt even grasped yet. I finally got him to say he would stay at home instead of going to a hotel. Then I went and grabbed the keys and gave them back. When we got home he said he was going out for drinks with a couple friends and took off. I just walked into the house and was sobbing to Lo. He came back after probably half an hour with coffee and a bottle of wine.
In the mean time I called my grandma sobbing and asked her to call him, talk about desperation. I could tell she was really sad and concerned for me though. She said she would try. He came home before she called him and I asked him if he had his phone on him. He asked why and I said because he was going to get a phone call, he looked scared at first, like I had called sharyn or something. I told him to relax that I didnt do anything wrong. He said he didnt want to talk to her but he picked up the phone when she called. He went outside to talk to her so I dont know what was said. He went in and went right to bed, I grabbed my pillow and told him that I loved him and please forgive me and went out on the couch. I eventually went back in and sat on the bed and talked to him. He was harsh, and silent. I once again went back out to the couch. Then he texts me and asks if im playing games now, I have no idea what sparked that but I took my chances grabbed my pillow and went back into bed. He let me hold him and I fell asleep. I dont think he slept the whole night. I was in pain in the morning, I hadnt moved positions and my body was kinked but I was afraid to move thinking he would push me away. He seemed calmer this morning but still a little obstinate streak. I finally got him to say that he would try and he held me and said stop crying and it would be ok. He said never do this to me again, I promised I wouldnt. He also said never cheat on me which had no relevance to the conversation at all nor was it brought up at all in the last two days.
So here we are now, hes at the airport and he has called me twice and and texted me a few times. I think I know wheres hes at because the behavior is all too familiar. He is acting just like me but 35 years later. He stayed in the car with me, he could have gotten the keys and taken off. I threatened to get out of the car at a light and he grabbed me and said that if I did it was over for good. I stayed in the car. He stayed sitting for hour or more while I talked and cried and he berated me. He could have left though. He let me stay with him last night and didnt push me off when I held him. He didnt go out for drinks with anyone and he didnt even open the bottle of wine. He doesnt want it to be like this either, he is looking for reassurance and im trying to give it all to him right now. I dont know yet if its going to work, he said he would try and he hoped we could get through this. Thats encouraging at least. If he really is like me then there is a reason hes held on. Hes acting out until he feels I get the point and hopefully we can get past it. All I can do is wait and see...

Back in Town

Ed came back into town a day early... He nearly missed the flight, literally was on it 20 minutes before take off. Things seem kind of weird, he has seemed upset nearly since he got here. He thinks that I am not interested in him anymore. I told him all the issues I was having and that I am flat broke. I mentioned him helping me get a loan and he said sure but then never mentioned it again. I used the last of the 200 he gave me a couple days ago to cover my health insurance. I think I may have $10 left. There is not much gas in the car either. I have no source of income coming in until Lo gets paid next Tues. I plan on asking him to leave cash before he goes but to be honest Im dreading it. I hate asking anyone for money but for some reason especially him. I know he has it and will give it to me if I ask, I just feel so useless. Everyone is working and taking care of me and I cant even manage to find myself a job.

Im gonna take the job with the Post I think. I ve always wanted a night job and that said something about $500 a week. That would be perfect for me money wise. I might even be able to start saving again. Whatever happens, I need to come up with something soon. The last batch of trees I got has to last till I have money next and thats gonna be tricky. Funny I was telling Ed last night that I hate that it has now come down to choosing between trees and other necessities, like food. I know how wrong that is and yet I still cant make myself quit. Im going to really try and cut back though. Its getting to be a really expensive habit and I just cant afford it.

I think I dont really understand Ed most of the time. He keeps saying all he wants is for me to be happy and that he is here for me but then when I tell him all my problems or what is stressing me out he offers no solution. He was talking about setting up a business for me and startup cost around 5 grand then proceeded to say that I could always pay him back later, or never, whatever I wanted. If I had 5 grand right now I could pay off my student loan and get back into school where I can continue to study for a real career.

Ed started to talk about me needing a regular 9-5 job so that I could do school too. What he doesnt realize is that I dont think I could do both. I got through college in 3 1/2 years but that was taking 21 credits a semester and not working. I dont think it would be the same with a job. The ADD will make it hard to garuntee something like that. I still havent even started taking my adderall again. He basically left me hanging as far as what I could or should do or any indication on what he thought about the loan to pay off my loans and start school again. That is exactly what I mean by him making me ask for things. He sees the need is there and he knows I have nothing and yet he leaves me hanging. I know he needs to feel needed but I need to feel that I am not asking for something outrageous and that im asking for something that he says he has no problem giving.

I only get bold enough to tell him how im feeling or what I need when Ive been drinking or im fed up with the way he is acting. Asking him about that loan was so hard for me because I felt like he was thinking that I was just asking him for the money. I know he has it but he cant do anything without explaining to Sharyn where its going and maybe thats the big hangup. He even knows about the credit card shit and hasnt offered to help. If he is trying to impart a lesson about earning things, now is not the time to do it. I have no problem paying him back every penny, with interest if he will just help me out of this mess now. I was thinking about it in my head the other day that if I borrowed 10 grand than 20% interest would be 2, for a total of 12 grand. Sounds like he would definetely be getting the better end of that deal and I will be getting an education that is totally worth the 2 grand in interest.

Christ its expensive to live, even more so if you have a habit. Why couldnt I have been and alcoholic, at least then I could be buying $6 bottles of liquor a day.... a much cheaper habit.

Happy Birthday Mom

Im walking around in circles today, its eing moms birthday and I still cant believe she is gone. I still feel as blindsided by it as the day Dorrie called me and told me, I was at work and it was crazy and I was being impatient because I had to get back. Time just stopped...