Break Up

Note to self anger is BAD! Ed and I got in a major fight last night, that is an understatement actually. I kind of went crazy on him and I was totally crazy. It started because the night before last he told me he thought he was going to have a hard time being the man I want him to be in the future. My reaction was to get upset immediately, I took it exactly how he said it. It sounded to me like he was telling me we just werent going to work out. Then really the annoyance and anger about just boiled over to yesterday. He explained that what he was looking for in saying that was for me to tell him that he already was the man I wanted. He was just looking for some validation I guess. Then yesterday during the day he texts me and asks me if I want him to try and stay another day. I told him of course, that that was a stupid question. He agreed saying that he was having a blond Polish moment. He didnt mention anything else about when he was leaving all day. He texted me around 2 and asked me if I wanted to eat when he got home at 3. Since his flight was around 6 I asked him if that meant he was flying out then or waiting until the next day. He never answered my text. Then when he got home he kind of seemed like he was in a hurry so I asked him again if he was leaving today. He did that little look when he knows hes done something wrong and is going to be scolded for it. I said since youre leaving tonight lets go eat, he asked what him leaving tonight had to do with leaving? I had just assumed that he wanted to eat before he left and that was why he asked me and I said as much. Then he leans in to me and says "eddie I really want you to stay another night, I miss you and need you here." I felt like he was playing games with me and that it wasnt fair. Of course I wanted him to stay, he knew that, why does he always have to play this attention games.
I told him it was ridiculous and went out to lay on the bed. We talked about how frustrating it was for him to do that. I hate games and the decietfulness with which he goes about trying to get attention. I told him that, he agreed with me. We didnt talk for awhile and then got up to go to dinner. I didnt really want to go out and I had told him that, then I consented to just go out for drinks. We really didnt talk the whole time either on the way there or during dinner. Then at dinner I had three beers, which was a bad idea and he was drinking three glasses of wine. I just got upset and obstinate and I was a little more then tipsy, I didnt eat much. I just wouldnt let it go, its like I was intent on blow by blow til he finally blew up at me. Everything that I was afraid of him saying he said, he was just as hurtful to me as I had been to him. He basically said I was a piece of shit nothing and that when someone mentioned my name in a week he was going to have forgotten all about me. I went back and forth between shock and anger and desperation. It was not a pretty moment for me. I told him he might as well kill me, even squeezed his hand around my throat, yes I can be dramatic. He pulled over and I pulled the keys out, opened the door and chucked them. I spent the next hour being verbally abused and begging for forgiveness for a craziness I hadnt even grasped yet. I finally got him to say he would stay at home instead of going to a hotel. Then I went and grabbed the keys and gave them back. When we got home he said he was going out for drinks with a couple friends and took off. I just walked into the house and was sobbing to Lo. He came back after probably half an hour with coffee and a bottle of wine.
In the mean time I called my grandma sobbing and asked her to call him, talk about desperation. I could tell she was really sad and concerned for me though. She said she would try. He came home before she called him and I asked him if he had his phone on him. He asked why and I said because he was going to get a phone call, he looked scared at first, like I had called sharyn or something. I told him to relax that I didnt do anything wrong. He said he didnt want to talk to her but he picked up the phone when she called. He went outside to talk to her so I dont know what was said. He went in and went right to bed, I grabbed my pillow and told him that I loved him and please forgive me and went out on the couch. I eventually went back in and sat on the bed and talked to him. He was harsh, and silent. I once again went back out to the couch. Then he texts me and asks if im playing games now, I have no idea what sparked that but I took my chances grabbed my pillow and went back into bed. He let me hold him and I fell asleep. I dont think he slept the whole night. I was in pain in the morning, I hadnt moved positions and my body was kinked but I was afraid to move thinking he would push me away. He seemed calmer this morning but still a little obstinate streak. I finally got him to say that he would try and he held me and said stop crying and it would be ok. He said never do this to me again, I promised I wouldnt. He also said never cheat on me which had no relevance to the conversation at all nor was it brought up at all in the last two days.
So here we are now, hes at the airport and he has called me twice and and texted me a few times. I think I know wheres hes at because the behavior is all too familiar. He is acting just like me but 35 years later. He stayed in the car with me, he could have gotten the keys and taken off. I threatened to get out of the car at a light and he grabbed me and said that if I did it was over for good. I stayed in the car. He stayed sitting for hour or more while I talked and cried and he berated me. He could have left though. He let me stay with him last night and didnt push me off when I held him. He didnt go out for drinks with anyone and he didnt even open the bottle of wine. He doesnt want it to be like this either, he is looking for reassurance and im trying to give it all to him right now. I dont know yet if its going to work, he said he would try and he hoped we could get through this. Thats encouraging at least. If he really is like me then there is a reason hes held on. Hes acting out until he feels I get the point and hopefully we can get past it. All I can do is wait and see...