The Resolution

Last time I wrote I had just gotten in a huge fight with Ed, I havent had the energy to write since. After a very long and creul couple of days he finally decided that I had been punished enough and that he did still love me afterall. I wrote him a long email telling him how much I wanted to be with him and making a general attempt at explaining myself. He didnt answer it that day and sounded if anything more unsure... Just when I was about to say fine be that way he decided to call me and stop being a jerk.
Fast forward to now and we are sitting here at Barnes and Noble and Ive made an attempt to be super close since he got here but for some reason something just isnt right. I keep asking whats wrong and he isnt saying anything, I dont think Ive done anything wrong since hes been here but I dont have to be the one to think its wrong so who knows. Its such a beautiful day out and yet things seem so off. I dont know where my heads at right now. I want everything to be fine, but i think we both feel that it isnt. Thinking back to my other relationships I can see that this one can easily fall into the same pattern and thats what I am trying to avoid. I really do want to change myself, not just for him but for me too. I feel like im kind of faking it right now, maybe thats what he feels. Im not faking that I love him, just the happiness and trying to be super cheery when really all I want to do is cry. I cant believe how much he says he loves me and yet he is so clueless at the same time. How difficult is it to see what makes someone happy? I mean, if you know whats stressing a person out than thats probably what I would start with, but thats just me.
I just want to start settling into life now. I think its really important for me to go back to school but whenever I mention it he doenst say anything about it. He knows I cant do anything without his help. I wish I had never put myself into a situation where someone else has so much power over me. If we fight and he says get out then I really dont have that much of a choice, thats a big factor when we are fighting and he was the one to bring it up this last time. I hate having things held over my head.
Getting a job is becoming a top priority for me, as long as I know I can provide for myself then I will be able to be myself and not worry that my actions may mean the difference between being thrown out or not. I hate feeling this unsettled, I feel like im walking on eggshells now. I dont want to say anything for fear he will take it the wrong way and I will be headed for another night of hell. Ughhh! So here we go again, I just want to make it through the week without arguing and I am going to do everything I can to make that happen. Ill figure out what to do from there.