Here we sit

So I guess everything is ok with Ed now, we havent really talked things out but decided that the way we were acting was hurting us both. we went out to dinner tonight... I think we had some really good conversation. I think that we are both really unsure of what happens from here and now we have no direction. He is trying and so am I but then that ends up being the problem, that we both feel that we have to try so hard and then it just seems like the relationship is hard Eds thought was that we are trying to hard and thats why it seems so hard but I think he is wrong. I think its not working out is because niether of us is ready for what the other wants. How can we be so happy together but still not be able to get it right. He is about to leave for the next couple weeks too. We cant work out family Christmas so that we will be together and that really has more to do with me than him. I just dont want to fly by myself but it will be nearly impossible for him to fly from NY to FL to MI with me. We have checked all the airlines and it just wont work. We were going to have Lo fly with me from here to MI and then Ed meet me in MI and we fly back to FL together but we cant manage to work that out either.
It all seems so difficult and thats what it shouldnt seem by my point of view. Love shouldnt be this difficult, i know I have ideals but this isnt something that should have to fall into the ideal catagory in order to work.
He asked me what I want for X mas and all I really want is to be able to get everyone what they want. I told him that and he said that was fine so at least that will be out of the way. I dont know if he really understands that but he seemes like he did. I just want to get them something that they really want and not just something that they need. We went that route when we were kids, getting things because it was what we wanted and not necessarily what we need. I know Lindsy would rather have A DS then anything else. I should just give her mine since I never use it...
I think I am going to so phone cards and some essentials like a phone card and a bag of tobacco. I have no idea what to get Donny but I will call her before I get up there and see what I can do.
I am disappointed that Ed isnt going with me but more because he had all this time to do it and it came down to the 2 weeks before. I dont want to go by myself, it isnt just about the flying, it has to do with not going crazy without any company too. Ill die if I cant smoke and its much easier to get away when you have another excuse with you.
I was suppose to call her (grandma) on Friday too and I didnt. Im gonna hear about that later but I really just dont want to hear it. I know she will be happy to hear we are doing well but it all seems so fake. I cant believe that he is begging out of this, he had so much time to work it out and now it comes down to the end and I have no idea what I am going to do. I need to get out of a situation that I need to rely on Ed for cash and a place to stay. This is never going to feel comfortable until I can survive without him. Its never going to be equal and I think thats something that we both realize.
I tried to twll him tonight that he doesnt have to smoke with me if he doesnt want to and he wanted to know why I was telling him that and really it had nothing to do with anything excep feeling bad because I felt like I was pressuring him, even though Ive never asked him to do it.
I worry about his health and age to with the smoking and just because he hasnt in a long time... He passed on the smoking tonight, I just offered and he turned it down. More for me, I dont really care if he smokes or not, as long as he doenst offer his opinion on my habit of it. I told him from the beginning of this relationship that that wasnt going to change. Im proud of myself for sticking to that right away, to bad im not like that about other things in my life.

In other areas, I went on myspace and facebook with the sole purpose of finding Jamie from High school. I did a name search and came up with nothing, eventually got caught up finding people from my class and when I moved on to the class after me I found her. Funny thing was I found her sister first... It will be fun to catch up. Its so weird to see people from high school in the 7 year later category. Some people look exactly the same and others like me look totally different. Ten year reunion ought to be interesting.