Back in Town

Ed came back into town a day early... He nearly missed the flight, literally was on it 20 minutes before take off. Things seem kind of weird, he has seemed upset nearly since he got here. He thinks that I am not interested in him anymore. I told him all the issues I was having and that I am flat broke. I mentioned him helping me get a loan and he said sure but then never mentioned it again. I used the last of the 200 he gave me a couple days ago to cover my health insurance. I think I may have $10 left. There is not much gas in the car either. I have no source of income coming in until Lo gets paid next Tues. I plan on asking him to leave cash before he goes but to be honest Im dreading it. I hate asking anyone for money but for some reason especially him. I know he has it and will give it to me if I ask, I just feel so useless. Everyone is working and taking care of me and I cant even manage to find myself a job.

Im gonna take the job with the Post I think. I ve always wanted a night job and that said something about $500 a week. That would be perfect for me money wise. I might even be able to start saving again. Whatever happens, I need to come up with something soon. The last batch of trees I got has to last till I have money next and thats gonna be tricky. Funny I was telling Ed last night that I hate that it has now come down to choosing between trees and other necessities, like food. I know how wrong that is and yet I still cant make myself quit. Im going to really try and cut back though. Its getting to be a really expensive habit and I just cant afford it.

I think I dont really understand Ed most of the time. He keeps saying all he wants is for me to be happy and that he is here for me but then when I tell him all my problems or what is stressing me out he offers no solution. He was talking about setting up a business for me and startup cost around 5 grand then proceeded to say that I could always pay him back later, or never, whatever I wanted. If I had 5 grand right now I could pay off my student loan and get back into school where I can continue to study for a real career.

Ed started to talk about me needing a regular 9-5 job so that I could do school too. What he doesnt realize is that I dont think I could do both. I got through college in 3 1/2 years but that was taking 21 credits a semester and not working. I dont think it would be the same with a job. The ADD will make it hard to garuntee something like that. I still havent even started taking my adderall again. He basically left me hanging as far as what I could or should do or any indication on what he thought about the loan to pay off my loans and start school again. That is exactly what I mean by him making me ask for things. He sees the need is there and he knows I have nothing and yet he leaves me hanging. I know he needs to feel needed but I need to feel that I am not asking for something outrageous and that im asking for something that he says he has no problem giving.

I only get bold enough to tell him how im feeling or what I need when Ive been drinking or im fed up with the way he is acting. Asking him about that loan was so hard for me because I felt like he was thinking that I was just asking him for the money. I know he has it but he cant do anything without explaining to Sharyn where its going and maybe thats the big hangup. He even knows about the credit card shit and hasnt offered to help. If he is trying to impart a lesson about earning things, now is not the time to do it. I have no problem paying him back every penny, with interest if he will just help me out of this mess now. I was thinking about it in my head the other day that if I borrowed 10 grand than 20% interest would be 2, for a total of 12 grand. Sounds like he would definetely be getting the better end of that deal and I will be getting an education that is totally worth the 2 grand in interest.

Christ its expensive to live, even more so if you have a habit. Why couldnt I have been and alcoholic, at least then I could be buying $6 bottles of liquor a day.... a much cheaper habit.