Sticks and Stones

Its been a tough road since my last post. I let my life be taken over by the sh*t that I knew was going to be a battle for me. It finally got to the point where I went down to three a day and even got down to 1 3/4 a day. Considering a couple weeks before that I was ten a day I made a huge jump. Then it kept going up whenever E came home. Eventually I tried even having him stay away for a couple weeks just so that I could try to get off without the potential trauma or fighting. We agreed not to talk for a couple weeks because things had gotten really hard for us, especially with these blue fairys in the way. In the end, that didnt work either and I just kept getting thinner and thinner, not eating and barely drinking and working myself to the point that eventually is was in my room all the time. Finally decided what I needed to do was come home to get away and try to get off. Lo sent me packages so that I could try to ween off and I went to my sisters to try and do it cause it was quieter and no drama. Then a friend of hers came up from Georgia with baby daddy drama, as my sister puts it, and it was all over from there, between her drama and her annoying ass kid, I wasnt able to come back down. I finally decided id been up here long enough and it was time to go home. Within days of me getting ready to go home I get the shock of my life. I had felt that Lo and I had grown apart in the last few days especially and I brought it up, she said is was nothing just missing me so much and working alot on top of that.
Ive finally lost all I have in this not so long battle with the devil on my shoulder. It has taken all that is important to me and now finally the person I love most in the world.
Ive always drempt about things happening and when I remember them so clearly they usually end up happening. I used to have these dreams in college about Lo leaving me. It was so much more practical then because it was a relationship we had just started but I was always reassured and eventually as time went on it became an impossible thought as i listened to all the times that I will never leave you were said, that I couldnt do anything that would drive Lo away. We've been through hell together and always said if we could go through the things we have gone through, we could make it through anything. Apparently thats not the case.
I'd been feeling sick and anxious for the last five days or so had a few nightmares and hadnt been sleeping well at all. I remembered all the nightmares very clearly, and especially the last. I had a dream once again that Lo had left me, it was a strange dream but one with a clear point. I told her about the dream and she said wow that is a weird dream. Fast forward a couple days and I just feel like something is wrong. It was late at night and I couldnt get ahold of her, I was flipping out worrying that she didnt make it home from work safely or something crazy had happened. Then I finally asked her the question I thought would have an obvious answer... Is there someone else, she says no but someone has expressed interest. That didnt even really throw me off, then I started wondering who it was and she didnt want to tell me, saying that it didnt matter. I made two guesses and I was right on the last which blew me away, it was a friend of ours, someone we had gone to college with someone who lived in Orlando. Then she went on to say she wasnt sure she wanted to be with me anymore, which freaked me out, because even though we havent been together for the last 6 years, we have still had a closer than close relationship. I couldnt and still cant believe she was basically saying she didnt want to be with me anymore, which obviously meant have the same type of relationship anymore. She really doesnt even want to live with me anymore, even though she says she still wants to be best friends and she still loves me and that she will see me through this blue devil issue, which by the way has sky-rocketed with everything that has gone on.
Then comes E and I tell him im sick of the in and out, that it hurts so much when he leaves because I do love him, I just dont know where he falls with everything else. He says that I need to be strong and that I wont be alone as much as I think because he is going to unravel things quickly and try to be in FL. For a few days we had been talking about it and we both had our turns sobbing over the phone. I didnt know how I was gonna juggle him not being there and Retta not wanting to be there. So my sis starts talking to E and telling him that I just cant deal with the in and out and that he needs to give me some time to get on my feet before he starts doing that to me again. He ended up getting pissed because she mentioned me talking to Lo and I had already told him when he said that i wouldnt be alone that Lo was leaving and that i was going to be alone. Something my sister said just made that change and made him think it was about her. Which really made no sense because then I would just take the ways out he has given me. He offered to put me up in an apt so i could get back on my feet and figure shit out. I never really talked to him, she did and then I had to practically beg for him to call me since I need to pay my cell bill and couldnt just call him. He has made all kinds of threats, told her that I was NOT coming home and then wanted me to move my flight from tomm to next week when he would be gone so that I could go back and figure shit out with Lo. Ive been up here long enough though and being up here def hasnt helped my situation with Lo. I just know I cant stay away and try to deal with things up here, its easy to hang up a phone or not even answer and you can always sign off or not sign in, or just put up an away message and ignore IMs. If I had agreed to wait he would have just used that against me too, so really it was a no win as far as pissing him off.

E tried telling me I wouldnt get in that house, that he would have it locked down before I ever got near it but first of all he thought my flight was a day later and second he doesnt know that the door handle on our bedroom door was changed a long time ago and im the only one with keys, to both the door and the deadbolt. I told him by law he cant keep me out because after two weeks, whether I pay or not im considered a tenant and he has to go through land lord court to get me evicted and even then I would have 30 days. On top of that, if we got in a fight and Lo were to lets say call the police, they would make him leave because in domestic disputes, its the man they make leave the house. He said fine ill see your dead ass in court and by the time im done, you wont live anywhere in FL. I dont know who he thinks he has pull with but really I think he is kidding himself. He tried saying no sheriff in Florida would come near that house. What a joke. Apparently he isnt realizing how much damage I could do to him. I could call his wife, I could call his job and all his accounts and tell them they should question the integrity of someone who makes threats like that and is dating someone 30 years his junior when he has been married for as long. There is just so much I could do that its not even funny, i think its him who doesnt know who hes messing with.

When I finally talked to him tonight I thought i had gotten through to him about loving him and it not being about Lo, he said I love you whatever. Then when he said goodnight, he was like goodnight buddy, then next IM was I do love you travel well and asking if i had a working phone, but by the time he was on his last text it was when you land use your girlfriends phone and call me. He knew it would get under my skin, just as much as the goodnight buddy did.

So thats where im left, with no idea what tommorow will bring and no idea where I will be sleeping tommorrow night. Im at a scary point in life and unfortunetly all I can do is take it as it comes and deal with it from there. Nothing is a garuntee, not even the person I thought would always be there for me. Ive been completely knocked down and all I can do is react to things, im trying to be as proactive as possible but theres not much I can do when its his house and I only have so much money to my name, I doubt he will be giving me anymore. Ive emailed my two closest friends over the years, besides Lo and all I can hope for is there support and help as well. I already talked to Erik and he said he would be there for me over the rocky times, so at least I have one person... I will try to post an update as soon as I can. Its an hour and 45 min before I have to get up for my early ass flight so its off to try to get some sleep. At least being so emotionally exhausted ive been able to do some of that. I passed out earlier knowing I need to pack and get ready and I still cant take everything... Oh well. Im losing everything, why not some material sh*t too.

Gotta Get Away

I gotta get out of here, this place has nearly ruined my life. I dont know what im going to do or where im going to go, I just know I need to go. I cant get off this blue sh*t and no matter how hard I try and im constantly running out of everything else so its impossible to regulate it. I cant borrow the money and Ive got nothing left except my laptop and my PS2 which are not going. E only eft me $200 this time and has no idea when he will be back. Then Lo get paid $500 and its gone in a day. Yet somehow I only got 10-15 blue fairys and maybe a quarter and a half of the skunkie. If its being hoarded I really dont care because then I know its there and I dont need to worry about the ridiculousness of the fact that $700 was gone through in a day. Just doesnt seem possible to me especially when I dont even have enough to get me through tomm, on anything except what im prescribed. Thats at least 2 withdrawals one of which can be fatal. This has gotten so out of control so quickly, I wish I had never seen the stuff. I was happy with what I was doing and where I was going. Now I dont even know what im doing much less where Im going. Everything has been choas this last 6 months and I just want the whirlwind to end. I want to go back to being able to sleep without a million different things to take at night. I dont want to cry and feel depressed all day and then lay awake all night thinking about how tomm isnt going to be any better and most likely worse. Im really stuck on this $700 thing, nothing got paid, no bills that im aware of and if the stuff I need was the only stuff that it was spent on then it wouldnt be gone within 5 days. How can $700 be gone in five days and im out of everything already. Even if she got half an O at 200 and 20 blue fairys that still would have only been 400, plus perry would have been $520. So unless she is hiding it aware somewhere then there is money missing. Which annoys me a little because I always give her my cash right away, its not like I don't know where its going but coming down to this where I dont have what I really need and there was not nearly enough bought even with the $200 I gave her.... At the very least it should have been a quarter and 10 fairys its only Fri and im out of fairys and no trees and she says shes broke. If she doesnt come through for me tonight I really am going to wonder what the hell is going on. Its one thing to not say what you have and just take care of things, its another thing to not say anything and act like im just going to be SOL. Very rarely does she not come through for me and she is usually still waiting on calls even when she gets home late at night.

If my account werent negative I could just ask Ed to put in like $50. I dont even know when he is coming back and im suppose to have a doc appt Tues which is $60 I dont have. I guess I could have him deposit it into one of the other two banks but both those accounts have both our names on them and the only one I have an ATM card for that he could deposit with is HSBC. I dont know if there are any branches up there though. I guess he could wire directly from his to mine. Not on a Sunday though so I have to make it through tomm. Then I can ask him to put in the cash Monday for the doctors appt Tues. We shall see.

The last post I was still sane

I've managed to work myself into a corner of the bedroom I hated. The devil that had cornered me into my last post has taken over my life for the last four months, going on five. I pretty much talk to no one and im barely holding onto the two relationships I have. One of which is making this whole situation 10 times worse then it should be and last that much longer as well. Ive gone from ten a day to a night with none and a rather painful and death wishing set of withdrawals from that. That only took half a pill to stop and a quick relization that this was going to be a painful process and one that was going to be very difficult to hide and deal with, not to mention fund. Since the night of hell the lowest ive gotten too is 1.25 pills a day. Im not sure I made it through that day... Ed came back that day and the stress caught me back up into it. Somehow I got back up to 3 pills a day with a few days here and there having a bit more than that. I think ive tried nearly every method except the ones that cost money which basically leaves you with tapering or cold turkeying... if you can afford to continue to support it for the taper, or be strong willed enough to continue the taper without going back up again, hence me going from 1.25 back to 3-4... now im back to 2.5 which is suppose to be 2.25 and was really more like 2.75. I really want off of this roller coaster of feeling like crap and having intermittent periods of time where I feel like it will be over. The mornings are the worst by far. I feel like everyday is just another futile attempt to make it through the day and hopefully come up with the solution. Some times I wake up in the morning and think the worst of it would be over in three days. I could get back on my adderall and get my life back together. Have the desire to do something, anything for that matter.

I've gotta suffer through this and get it over with. Maybe I should just go home for a while and beat this... keeping from being disowned due to lack of contact would be good too.
That is the most important thing to take care of, from there its on to smaller and better problems. At least they dont have physical side effects...unless someone throws something at me.

Helllloo Again, its been a while

It seems like so much more than a couple months have gone by. The last post I was writing that I accidentally erased would have probably given alot of insight into where I have been over the last few months. Reading over my posts I mentioned nothing of the blue devil I had been starting to dance with. It started innocently enough with pill split in half and shared with a friend. Now im up to almost 8 a day and its gotten out of control. That was only over the course of a couple months. I cut the trip to MI short because I ran out while I was there and couldnt take it. Its pretty much all been down hill from there. I dont even know how I let it get this far, I knew the dangers and yet I still went down the rabbit hole. I thought i was taking a financial hit before just walking through the forest but this is far worse. I need to quit and yet im terrified of what im going to go through now. From everything I have read, quiting is not pretty and you pretty much want to kill yourself. I really do want to quit though, I cant take my adderall because it makes me sick with this stuff so i've pretty much gotten nothing done in the last couple months. I just want my life back on track. Ironically enough I quit doing everything else when I started these, and if I can quit these I dont think i will need to go back to it all.

Lo is supporting me through all of it, from financial to emotionally and she is stressed and getting sick of it too. I dont blame her and as much as I want her here I hate the fact that I am ruining her life. How could she possibly be happy with this? I guess she is mad at me now for telling her that she could leave and I would understand. I would understand, I would be heartbroken but I would understand and her life would be so much better. Just because I dont see it as a possibility for me right now doesnt mean that she shouldnt have it. Yesterday was suppose to be my first day trying to quit or rather tapering. It went well for the first part of the morning or I guess resonably well. Then Lo got her refund check and I kind of fell off the wagon. Today doesnt feel like its going to happen either. I need to taper down and stop, but im finding that even though I really want to its alot easier said then done. I will give it an effort today to stay at my alloted number at least. I know I can do this, I quit smoking cold turkey and I didn't even really want to do that. I just need to have as much faith in myself as Lo has in me. We shall see how the day goes.

Ready to pull my hair out

So Lo and I are leaving in like four days to go to MI, hopefully we will catch the birth of my god-daughter. We were going to leave on sun night but Ed decided to stay in town for the space shuttle launch and got us security clearence to go up to the press box for launch. Even though im not a huge space fan this is really a rare chance so we are going then i guess continuing on to MI from there. Really not looking forward to another 24 hour drive but i am looking forward to being there. Im not sure yet if im telling any of my family other than Dorrie that im coming in. That just adds a whole nother set of obligations.
Im getting antsy to leave, things with Ed havent been great either and I know that isnt helping. Ive been generally short tempered lately, worse than I normally am which is really bad for me. I know ive taken it out on both Ed and Lo and its not fair to them. Lo is a hell of alot more understanding then Ed on that. After we leave on Tues it will be two weeks before I see Ed again. I think this is a good thing, I need some air and I need to figure out a plan of action for myself. I need to start something or get a job, anything to keep me busy, boredom is avery dangerous thing for me. Ive learned that lesson on more than one occassion recently and it picking me up some bad habits, like i need anymore.

so frustrated

Soo Ed says he is flying into ft lauderdale last night, i had to be down there with Lo so I suggested that we get drinks or something at this really good Irish place near the airport. He says ok, great. Then this morning he says something about eating off of glades. I said what happened to the Field... he says that Glades is closer to where he needs to go so... Rather than argue I just said ok whatever. So then today I am waiting around to go see him and end up getting coffee with Eric. He lands and texts me that he had a bad flight etc then his next text is hading up now, see you soon. After already being agitated from the day, the doc was his usual helpful self and im just sick of it. Rather than texting something nasty and potentially setting him off I just didnt text him. He called me and acted like I should have known exactly where we were going and what was going on. I kind of went off on him and didnt understand why he couldnt just tell me where he was and how to get there. It just didnt go well and we hardly said two words by the time we left the restuarant. Not only was he not where he said to go but he left the second place he told me to go and went to a third. I dont understand why we didnt just go to the field like i suggested in the first place. He never sticks to what he says he is going to do and it drives me nuts, whether its changing restuarants or saying hes getting something for dinner and comes home with something completely different, or when i ask him to pick something up and he gets whatever he thinks is equivalent or better.

I need to chill or this will be a long week.

Where has all the happieness gone?

Damn I really hate computers sometimes, this is the second time I had a pretty lengthy post and accidentally hit back or something stupid like that. Once again I dont feel like going over all of it again. Oh well. The point was im miserable and looking for something to help soothe that a bit, regardless of consequences.