I wonder do you feel as lonely as I do?
Does your heart beat in time with the rythum of mine
Do you feel as I do when ours hands entertwine?
I miss your touch, the fun we had
How can I sit here and feel so sad
The tears that fall hold so much sorrow,
Neither or us know the amount of tommorows
I feel it should rain and never stop,
Too match the pain thats in my heart.
Sleepless nights and mindless days,
feeling hurt in so many ways.
So much to say, so much left unspoken,
So much trust that was so easily broken,
you took my heart and broke it wide open.
All those times I fought for you,
so much you said that was untrue, guess im just annoying and not worth it to you.
You've said it so much why should I be suprised,
you never needed to say it when I could see it in your eyes.
I cry so much, not that you care,
you say you cry but mostly just stare.
You say you hurt so much but I just don;t see it,
I think you feel more like that song, just beat it.
All the times you're so hurtful and try and pass it off on me,
seems like an excuse fir what youre really starting to see.
Your calls mean nothing, I can already hear the sarcasm on rhe other end,
I know how you are, you dont break and you never bend.
I sit and I wonder what i've done thats so wrong, but I know it doesnt matter cause to you i've always been wrong.
One of the worst mistakes you've made in your life, I can almost garuntee you won't make this mistake twice.
Just anoother stupid girl, who doesnt see it your way.
Just another stupid girl that for you is just another stupid, wasted day.
No matter the hurt, I know you don't care,
just lay it on me and pretend that its fair.
Dont look at my phone or the messages you leave, so I can be hurt and you can be pleased.
What does it matter, you dont think I care, dont think I hurt, and donr see rhe tears.
Its been a couple years and all I do is suffer, im never right and you'd rather I suffer.
Im always so wrong and I should put up with it, as it is the pain I feel, its what I self inflict.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Over The Line
So I went to G's house to work on the survey thing for E's job, he decided that he was going to call G and find out what else needed to be done and what the next steps were. G said he didn't know when the next meeting was going to be taking place. G assumed that he was talking about the three of us, him and Sherri and I. So he said he didn't know, that nothing was planned and didn't mention the fact that I was coming down there or actually at the time, was on my way there. So E read into that and decided that I was lying to him. He called me and said that he was "chewing the fat" with G and that G never mentioned me coming down there or working on anything that had to do with the project. He said that it wasn't a good idea to be lying to him and that I set the ground rules or some sh*t like that. I was pissed that he would involve my friends in order for him to check on me.
So I went about my business, G, his roommate and I went to lunch, then to publix then we went back to his condo and started to work on the surveys. We went to a site aimed at designing surveys and started working on putting the survey together, had a little help from a survey that Barry was already doing on their food service. G wanted me to stay and said that I needed to relax but I already knew that E was going to be pissed because the last contact we had was the phone call about not lying to him. I finally extricated myself from the house and started for home.
When I got home, E was not home and I just changed into something more comfortable and turned on the TV. I'm not sure how much later he came home but when he did I could tell right away that something was not right. I went to go talk to him, saying his name as I went and he suddenly turned around and flipped out on me. He was saying that I was a liar and calling me every name in the book in the process, he proceeded to grab my throat, I guess to make his point better and get right in my face saying that I needed to get out of his house now. He pushed me face in a half smack, half punch and grabbed my throat at least two more times. He was absolutely crazy, I couldn't even believe he put his hands on me much less trying to ring my neck. I was in shock and couldn't do much to defend myself seeing as how he refused to believe me and was convinced that I could get anyone I could use as proof to lie to him and just tell him that i was there. I couldn't even get out of him what it was that I was supposedly lying about. He just kept saying I was a lying b*tch and whatever other names he could possibly say and getting in my face. He pushed me around a little bit after the choking and face hit. By that time though I was getting so angry I couldn't see straight. I couldn't believe this was happening and I really did absolutely nothing wrong. The one man I was suppose to trust in my life had just shattered that all to hell. Especially after the last couple weeks and the fights we had and the promises of not ever getting verbally abusive again. I should have known, especially with my background in psychology that eventually it would escalate and that he would never be able to change that many years of obviously getting what he wanted by acting like that.
Finally he said that I was lying about going to G's and that really I went to spend the day with Lo. Lo was in Orlando visiting with her new girlfriend K and had no idea what was going on. I couldn't believe that was what the whole thing was about, and there wasn't even any proof, only the fact that G didn't say that I was coming down there to work on the survey that day. When I first talked to him on the phone when he said it was a bad idea to lie to him, I thought he was pissed because he didn't think I was going there to work on the survey and that I was just going there to get away from him. I call G because I didn't know who else to call and he couldn't believe that this was happening. He told his roommate what happened then told me that I needed to get out of the house and call the cops and let them handle it. I don't know why I didn't, I guess because that's what E said to do too and I was thinking that he was going to be able to turn it around on me somehow. I hardly did any damage to him considering the size difference but I pushed him around too after he was done pushing me around. Mainly because i was so angry at what was going on. I tried calling Lo in the meantime but she didn't answer the phone. I spent a lot of time after that trying to convince him that I wasn't lying and that I was where I said I was, doing what I said I went there to do. He refused to accept anything I said and was acting completely irrationally. Insisting we were completely over and that he wasn't going to let anyone play him like he was stupid or take advantage of him like that. I didn't even know what to say, what could I say? I didn't do anything wrong and he didn't want any proof of that, not that he would have accepted it anyway.
It was a pretty vicious night I kept telling him how ridiculous it all was that he had no proof I did anything wrong and that his logic didn't even make sense. He seemed to calm down finally and though it had nothing to do with me and he was still convinced I was lying and still acting like he hated me it was at least better then the violence from before. Im sure by that time the alcohol was making him tired. He was going to leave and get coffee earlier but I took his glasses because I was so p*ssed at him so eventually he gave up and got ready for bed and turned off the light and got in bed telling me to leave him alone and go watch TV or something. I was done arguing with him and he obviously wasn't going to listen to anything I had enough of the whole fighting yelling and defending myself when it obviously wasn't working. Finally I left the stupid glasses and just walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me.
Eventually Lo came home and she took pictures of all the marks and the cut on my throat the chain I had been wearing left from him squuezing my neck so hard. We stayed up for awhile talking about everything and then got tired and we decided to go to bed. E came out not to long after and said something about going to sleep with my girlfriend so I went back in the room and started yelling at him and telling him what a piece of sh*t he was and how nothing made sense and I pointed out all the wrong things he had done to people and the life's he had messed up, how he wasn't even a real man because he had to hide behind his attitude and now his physical abuse. I just brought up anything and everything to make him feel as crappy as I did. I turned the room light on and told him there was no way he was getting any sleep tonight, I poured a little bit of water on his head to make my point. To my surprise the whole time I was bashing him he didn't say anything, he pretty much just listened, or pretended to anyway. Finally he said something that made me really upset and I dumped the whole bottle of water on his head and walked out of the room. He was getting up and changing when I walked out of the room and I just came out to the living room and just laid on the couch. After awhile E came out to the living room where I awake but suppose to be sleeping. He came out and asked if I was sleeping out there, I said this is where you told me to sleep. Finally he said come on, I really didn't know how to respond so I just grabbed my pillow and went into the bedroom. He was like a totally different person again, like he could not believe what he had done, I hardly knew what to say myself. He was almost acting like nothing had happened. It could have been the bottle of water i poured on his head. Im surprised he didn't flip out on me then. So I went in and asked what the hell happened and he just said he couldnt sleep without me. I ended up falling asleep and the next day he was apologetic and upset, brought me a card and flowers, saying if what I said was true he was completely in the wrong, to which I said he was completely in the wrong anyway. So that pretty much brings us to where we are now, he is upset about it, he says, but is not nearly as remorseful as I think he should be. Its only been a couple days, so I guess I will have to wait and see what happens. I know I shouldn't even be waiting, I should just take this as a big sign that things are never going to change and leave.
Its definitely given me a whole new perspective on abused women and why it is they stay with their abuser even though the obvious solution is to leave... I feel stupid for being in the situation when I used to criticize those in the same position im in now for not leaving... Completely different when the shoe is on the other foot.
So I went about my business, G, his roommate and I went to lunch, then to publix then we went back to his condo and started to work on the surveys. We went to a site aimed at designing surveys and started working on putting the survey together, had a little help from a survey that Barry was already doing on their food service. G wanted me to stay and said that I needed to relax but I already knew that E was going to be pissed because the last contact we had was the phone call about not lying to him. I finally extricated myself from the house and started for home.
When I got home, E was not home and I just changed into something more comfortable and turned on the TV. I'm not sure how much later he came home but when he did I could tell right away that something was not right. I went to go talk to him, saying his name as I went and he suddenly turned around and flipped out on me. He was saying that I was a liar and calling me every name in the book in the process, he proceeded to grab my throat, I guess to make his point better and get right in my face saying that I needed to get out of his house now. He pushed me face in a half smack, half punch and grabbed my throat at least two more times. He was absolutely crazy, I couldn't even believe he put his hands on me much less trying to ring my neck. I was in shock and couldn't do much to defend myself seeing as how he refused to believe me and was convinced that I could get anyone I could use as proof to lie to him and just tell him that i was there. I couldn't even get out of him what it was that I was supposedly lying about. He just kept saying I was a lying b*tch and whatever other names he could possibly say and getting in my face. He pushed me around a little bit after the choking and face hit. By that time though I was getting so angry I couldn't see straight. I couldn't believe this was happening and I really did absolutely nothing wrong. The one man I was suppose to trust in my life had just shattered that all to hell. Especially after the last couple weeks and the fights we had and the promises of not ever getting verbally abusive again. I should have known, especially with my background in psychology that eventually it would escalate and that he would never be able to change that many years of obviously getting what he wanted by acting like that.
Finally he said that I was lying about going to G's and that really I went to spend the day with Lo. Lo was in Orlando visiting with her new girlfriend K and had no idea what was going on. I couldn't believe that was what the whole thing was about, and there wasn't even any proof, only the fact that G didn't say that I was coming down there to work on the survey that day. When I first talked to him on the phone when he said it was a bad idea to lie to him, I thought he was pissed because he didn't think I was going there to work on the survey and that I was just going there to get away from him. I call G because I didn't know who else to call and he couldn't believe that this was happening. He told his roommate what happened then told me that I needed to get out of the house and call the cops and let them handle it. I don't know why I didn't, I guess because that's what E said to do too and I was thinking that he was going to be able to turn it around on me somehow. I hardly did any damage to him considering the size difference but I pushed him around too after he was done pushing me around. Mainly because i was so angry at what was going on. I tried calling Lo in the meantime but she didn't answer the phone. I spent a lot of time after that trying to convince him that I wasn't lying and that I was where I said I was, doing what I said I went there to do. He refused to accept anything I said and was acting completely irrationally. Insisting we were completely over and that he wasn't going to let anyone play him like he was stupid or take advantage of him like that. I didn't even know what to say, what could I say? I didn't do anything wrong and he didn't want any proof of that, not that he would have accepted it anyway.
It was a pretty vicious night I kept telling him how ridiculous it all was that he had no proof I did anything wrong and that his logic didn't even make sense. He seemed to calm down finally and though it had nothing to do with me and he was still convinced I was lying and still acting like he hated me it was at least better then the violence from before. Im sure by that time the alcohol was making him tired. He was going to leave and get coffee earlier but I took his glasses because I was so p*ssed at him so eventually he gave up and got ready for bed and turned off the light and got in bed telling me to leave him alone and go watch TV or something. I was done arguing with him and he obviously wasn't going to listen to anything I had enough of the whole fighting yelling and defending myself when it obviously wasn't working. Finally I left the stupid glasses and just walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me.
Eventually Lo came home and she took pictures of all the marks and the cut on my throat the chain I had been wearing left from him squuezing my neck so hard. We stayed up for awhile talking about everything and then got tired and we decided to go to bed. E came out not to long after and said something about going to sleep with my girlfriend so I went back in the room and started yelling at him and telling him what a piece of sh*t he was and how nothing made sense and I pointed out all the wrong things he had done to people and the life's he had messed up, how he wasn't even a real man because he had to hide behind his attitude and now his physical abuse. I just brought up anything and everything to make him feel as crappy as I did. I turned the room light on and told him there was no way he was getting any sleep tonight, I poured a little bit of water on his head to make my point. To my surprise the whole time I was bashing him he didn't say anything, he pretty much just listened, or pretended to anyway. Finally he said something that made me really upset and I dumped the whole bottle of water on his head and walked out of the room. He was getting up and changing when I walked out of the room and I just came out to the living room and just laid on the couch. After awhile E came out to the living room where I awake but suppose to be sleeping. He came out and asked if I was sleeping out there, I said this is where you told me to sleep. Finally he said come on, I really didn't know how to respond so I just grabbed my pillow and went into the bedroom. He was like a totally different person again, like he could not believe what he had done, I hardly knew what to say myself. He was almost acting like nothing had happened. It could have been the bottle of water i poured on his head. Im surprised he didn't flip out on me then. So I went in and asked what the hell happened and he just said he couldnt sleep without me. I ended up falling asleep and the next day he was apologetic and upset, brought me a card and flowers, saying if what I said was true he was completely in the wrong, to which I said he was completely in the wrong anyway. So that pretty much brings us to where we are now, he is upset about it, he says, but is not nearly as remorseful as I think he should be. Its only been a couple days, so I guess I will have to wait and see what happens. I know I shouldn't even be waiting, I should just take this as a big sign that things are never going to change and leave.
Its definitely given me a whole new perspective on abused women and why it is they stay with their abuser even though the obvious solution is to leave... I feel stupid for being in the situation when I used to criticize those in the same position im in now for not leaving... Completely different when the shoe is on the other foot.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Recovering?
Since ive gotten back to WPB things have gotten better rather than worse like I thought. I finally stood up to E and told him his bullsh*t was just that, bullsh*t. I was sick of it and really what it boiled down to was emotional abuse. I finally called his bluff, something I should have done a long time ago but never got the guts to do so. I guess losing everything will give you a new perspective on things and a lack of fear in losing anything else. I was standoffish the whole time he was here and even though we still slept in the same bed there was nothing there but sleeping and I was fine with that. I stayed up late to watch TV or mess around on the computer, whatever I could but go to bed. I dont sleep well anyway so its not a stretch for me to stay up and out of the room. Lo helped me move the TV out of my room, actually turning the living room into a living room. This is actually the first time since the furniture was bought that ive actually used it. I brought the table down from upstairs and a side table to put my laptop on. Later I brought out another table/stand with a drawer and empty middle out from the sunroom so I could put my speaker system for the laptop and other random stuff on and in it. Its turned into a nice little space and its out of the bedroom which makes it a great little space. Ive been sleeping on the couch since he left and I sleep better out here then I ever have in there. Im up later but really the only reason is because I feel like im not going to get sh*t for it. I would stay up that late on the regular if I could but I feel like im going to get in trouble if im not in bed by a certain time. I guess I just sleep out here because its convienent. Ive been so tired lately so I could fall asleep around 11 and probably stay asleep all night but with Lo coming home late I tend to wake up then and stay up for a little while before passing out again. I dont sleep any later than 10, 1030 at the latest even though I usually dont go to sleep until around 2 or so.
He is coming back tonight, I am really not looking forward to it and I just hope it doesnt through off any progress ive made so far. The blue devil, ever present has at least been at a consistent level and im making that move to bring it down more. I cant believe ive managed to quit everything except that. Im still on the klonopin, which is prescribed and ive been on for a few years now but thats it. Trees are definetely something I never thought I would be able to quit and that seems like a breeze compared to this. Then again there isnt any physical pain or discomfort from quiting that, unless you count the lack of appetite. Thats going to be a problem once I start taking my adderall again too, Im going to have to do something to eat or ill be way to thin again before I know it. I need to start taking my adderall again. Even though I have health insurance though, it isnt great and it will still be a very expensive script. Its hard to cover that and the blue devils. Im not getting anything done though and I need to get moving before I get back into the same pattern I was in before I left here. I am doing some work for E's company, just some survey stuff to help them get a foot in at Barry for food service. Im really more of a "middle man" so they can get to a friend of mine who is still working on the campus and an alumni. I dont really think there is a large potential to make any money there, but I suppose anything is experience and that cant hurt.
Garrett texted me tonight and asked what I was doing later or tomm, it would be nice to just get away from here. I guess I can get away with that seeing as how we are suppose to be working on this project together. I told him about Lo and K and he seemed a little surprised but thought that she would be good for her. I guess so but I think for the wrong reasons. He said because she is mothering like, a very good insight considering the way her mother is. I always thought she was very cold and treated Lo like more of a student then her child but I can see where Lo gets very impatient with her mother and can be frustrating too. Too her credit she has relaxed alot in her old age and seems more caring then I have seen her in the whole time that I have known Lo. Not a good reason to be with someone and can lead to disaster... I know that firsthand with what I have been through with E. Not a good place to be for sure and easy to get caught up in. Its difficult to be in a relationship where someone else has an upper hand age wise. Its easy to feel like you are being scolded and you are doing something wrong, like a kid hence the problem with age difference thing. If they have been talking a lot, I haven't noticed it. Whenever she is texting or talking to someone, she always says its someone else. I never ask but she offers it up which is what makes me think she isnt telling the truth.
An old friend from college, one of my best friends emailed me back yesterday too and said that she was here for me and we could meet up and talk, ended it with love you and miss you. I thought that was strange just because of the type of relationship we had and the lack of relationship we have had for so long. I can remember staying up all night talking about anything and everything when we were in school. She knows nothing about whats going on and only knows about E, which sruprised her and she is one of the few people, friend wise, that do know about it. Im surprised it never really changed her opinion about me, or if it did she never let on to it and she certainly isnt letting it effect her now. Either way I need to get as much support around me as I can, no matter whats gonna happen and just in case.
He will be here soon and already im anxious about it. I know I gotta be strong about this again for this next few days. Im not going to let it get me down again.
He is coming back tonight, I am really not looking forward to it and I just hope it doesnt through off any progress ive made so far. The blue devil, ever present has at least been at a consistent level and im making that move to bring it down more. I cant believe ive managed to quit everything except that. Im still on the klonopin, which is prescribed and ive been on for a few years now but thats it. Trees are definetely something I never thought I would be able to quit and that seems like a breeze compared to this. Then again there isnt any physical pain or discomfort from quiting that, unless you count the lack of appetite. Thats going to be a problem once I start taking my adderall again too, Im going to have to do something to eat or ill be way to thin again before I know it. I need to start taking my adderall again. Even though I have health insurance though, it isnt great and it will still be a very expensive script. Its hard to cover that and the blue devils. Im not getting anything done though and I need to get moving before I get back into the same pattern I was in before I left here. I am doing some work for E's company, just some survey stuff to help them get a foot in at Barry for food service. Im really more of a "middle man" so they can get to a friend of mine who is still working on the campus and an alumni. I dont really think there is a large potential to make any money there, but I suppose anything is experience and that cant hurt.
Garrett texted me tonight and asked what I was doing later or tomm, it would be nice to just get away from here. I guess I can get away with that seeing as how we are suppose to be working on this project together. I told him about Lo and K and he seemed a little surprised but thought that she would be good for her. I guess so but I think for the wrong reasons. He said because she is mothering like, a very good insight considering the way her mother is. I always thought she was very cold and treated Lo like more of a student then her child but I can see where Lo gets very impatient with her mother and can be frustrating too. Too her credit she has relaxed alot in her old age and seems more caring then I have seen her in the whole time that I have known Lo. Not a good reason to be with someone and can lead to disaster... I know that firsthand with what I have been through with E. Not a good place to be for sure and easy to get caught up in. Its difficult to be in a relationship where someone else has an upper hand age wise. Its easy to feel like you are being scolded and you are doing something wrong, like a kid hence the problem with age difference thing. If they have been talking a lot, I haven't noticed it. Whenever she is texting or talking to someone, she always says its someone else. I never ask but she offers it up which is what makes me think she isnt telling the truth.
An old friend from college, one of my best friends emailed me back yesterday too and said that she was here for me and we could meet up and talk, ended it with love you and miss you. I thought that was strange just because of the type of relationship we had and the lack of relationship we have had for so long. I can remember staying up all night talking about anything and everything when we were in school. She knows nothing about whats going on and only knows about E, which sruprised her and she is one of the few people, friend wise, that do know about it. Im surprised it never really changed her opinion about me, or if it did she never let on to it and she certainly isnt letting it effect her now. Either way I need to get as much support around me as I can, no matter whats gonna happen and just in case.
He will be here soon and already im anxious about it. I know I gotta be strong about this again for this next few days. Im not going to let it get me down again.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sticks and Stones
Its been a tough road since my last post. I let my life be taken over by the sh*t that I knew was going to be a battle for me. It finally got to the point where I went down to three a day and even got down to 1 3/4 a day. Considering a couple weeks before that I was ten a day I made a huge jump. Then it kept going up whenever E came home. Eventually I tried even having him stay away for a couple weeks just so that I could try to get off without the potential trauma or fighting. We agreed not to talk for a couple weeks because things had gotten really hard for us, especially with these blue fairys in the way. In the end, that didnt work either and I just kept getting thinner and thinner, not eating and barely drinking and working myself to the point that eventually is was in my room all the time. Finally decided what I needed to do was come home to get away and try to get off. Lo sent me packages so that I could try to ween off and I went to my sisters to try and do it cause it was quieter and no drama. Then a friend of hers came up from Georgia with baby daddy drama, as my sister puts it, and it was all over from there, between her drama and her annoying ass kid, I wasnt able to come back down. I finally decided id been up here long enough and it was time to go home. Within days of me getting ready to go home I get the shock of my life. I had felt that Lo and I had grown apart in the last few days especially and I brought it up, she said is was nothing just missing me so much and working alot on top of that.
Ive finally lost all I have in this not so long battle with the devil on my shoulder. It has taken all that is important to me and now finally the person I love most in the world.
Ive always drempt about things happening and when I remember them so clearly they usually end up happening. I used to have these dreams in college about Lo leaving me. It was so much more practical then because it was a relationship we had just started but I was always reassured and eventually as time went on it became an impossible thought as i listened to all the times that I will never leave you were said, that I couldnt do anything that would drive Lo away. We've been through hell together and always said if we could go through the things we have gone through, we could make it through anything. Apparently thats not the case.
I'd been feeling sick and anxious for the last five days or so had a few nightmares and hadnt been sleeping well at all. I remembered all the nightmares very clearly, and especially the last. I had a dream once again that Lo had left me, it was a strange dream but one with a clear point. I told her about the dream and she said wow that is a weird dream. Fast forward a couple days and I just feel like something is wrong. It was late at night and I couldnt get ahold of her, I was flipping out worrying that she didnt make it home from work safely or something crazy had happened. Then I finally asked her the question I thought would have an obvious answer... Is there someone else, she says no but someone has expressed interest. That didnt even really throw me off, then I started wondering who it was and she didnt want to tell me, saying that it didnt matter. I made two guesses and I was right on the last which blew me away, it was a friend of ours, someone we had gone to college with someone who lived in Orlando. Then she went on to say she wasnt sure she wanted to be with me anymore, which freaked me out, because even though we havent been together for the last 6 years, we have still had a closer than close relationship. I couldnt and still cant believe she was basically saying she didnt want to be with me anymore, which obviously meant have the same type of relationship anymore. She really doesnt even want to live with me anymore, even though she says she still wants to be best friends and she still loves me and that she will see me through this blue devil issue, which by the way has sky-rocketed with everything that has gone on.
Then comes E and I tell him im sick of the in and out, that it hurts so much when he leaves because I do love him, I just dont know where he falls with everything else. He says that I need to be strong and that I wont be alone as much as I think because he is going to unravel things quickly and try to be in FL. For a few days we had been talking about it and we both had our turns sobbing over the phone. I didnt know how I was gonna juggle him not being there and Retta not wanting to be there. So my sis starts talking to E and telling him that I just cant deal with the in and out and that he needs to give me some time to get on my feet before he starts doing that to me again. He ended up getting pissed because she mentioned me talking to Lo and I had already told him when he said that i wouldnt be alone that Lo was leaving and that i was going to be alone. Something my sister said just made that change and made him think it was about her. Which really made no sense because then I would just take the ways out he has given me. He offered to put me up in an apt so i could get back on my feet and figure shit out. I never really talked to him, she did and then I had to practically beg for him to call me since I need to pay my cell bill and couldnt just call him. He has made all kinds of threats, told her that I was NOT coming home and then wanted me to move my flight from tomm to next week when he would be gone so that I could go back and figure shit out with Lo. Ive been up here long enough though and being up here def hasnt helped my situation with Lo. I just know I cant stay away and try to deal with things up here, its easy to hang up a phone or not even answer and you can always sign off or not sign in, or just put up an away message and ignore IMs. If I had agreed to wait he would have just used that against me too, so really it was a no win as far as pissing him off.
E tried telling me I wouldnt get in that house, that he would have it locked down before I ever got near it but first of all he thought my flight was a day later and second he doesnt know that the door handle on our bedroom door was changed a long time ago and im the only one with keys, to both the door and the deadbolt. I told him by law he cant keep me out because after two weeks, whether I pay or not im considered a tenant and he has to go through land lord court to get me evicted and even then I would have 30 days. On top of that, if we got in a fight and Lo were to lets say call the police, they would make him leave because in domestic disputes, its the man they make leave the house. He said fine ill see your dead ass in court and by the time im done, you wont live anywhere in FL. I dont know who he thinks he has pull with but really I think he is kidding himself. He tried saying no sheriff in Florida would come near that house. What a joke. Apparently he isnt realizing how much damage I could do to him. I could call his wife, I could call his job and all his accounts and tell them they should question the integrity of someone who makes threats like that and is dating someone 30 years his junior when he has been married for as long. There is just so much I could do that its not even funny, i think its him who doesnt know who hes messing with.
When I finally talked to him tonight I thought i had gotten through to him about loving him and it not being about Lo, he said I love you whatever. Then when he said goodnight, he was like goodnight buddy, then next IM was I do love you travel well and asking if i had a working phone, but by the time he was on his last text it was when you land use your girlfriends phone and call me. He knew it would get under my skin, just as much as the goodnight buddy did.
So thats where im left, with no idea what tommorow will bring and no idea where I will be sleeping tommorrow night. Im at a scary point in life and unfortunetly all I can do is take it as it comes and deal with it from there. Nothing is a garuntee, not even the person I thought would always be there for me. Ive been completely knocked down and all I can do is react to things, im trying to be as proactive as possible but theres not much I can do when its his house and I only have so much money to my name, I doubt he will be giving me anymore. Ive emailed my two closest friends over the years, besides Lo and all I can hope for is there support and help as well. I already talked to Erik and he said he would be there for me over the rocky times, so at least I have one person... I will try to post an update as soon as I can. Its an hour and 45 min before I have to get up for my early ass flight so its off to try to get some sleep. At least being so emotionally exhausted ive been able to do some of that. I passed out earlier knowing I need to pack and get ready and I still cant take everything... Oh well. Im losing everything, why not some material sh*t too.
Ive finally lost all I have in this not so long battle with the devil on my shoulder. It has taken all that is important to me and now finally the person I love most in the world.
Ive always drempt about things happening and when I remember them so clearly they usually end up happening. I used to have these dreams in college about Lo leaving me. It was so much more practical then because it was a relationship we had just started but I was always reassured and eventually as time went on it became an impossible thought as i listened to all the times that I will never leave you were said, that I couldnt do anything that would drive Lo away. We've been through hell together and always said if we could go through the things we have gone through, we could make it through anything. Apparently thats not the case.
I'd been feeling sick and anxious for the last five days or so had a few nightmares and hadnt been sleeping well at all. I remembered all the nightmares very clearly, and especially the last. I had a dream once again that Lo had left me, it was a strange dream but one with a clear point. I told her about the dream and she said wow that is a weird dream. Fast forward a couple days and I just feel like something is wrong. It was late at night and I couldnt get ahold of her, I was flipping out worrying that she didnt make it home from work safely or something crazy had happened. Then I finally asked her the question I thought would have an obvious answer... Is there someone else, she says no but someone has expressed interest. That didnt even really throw me off, then I started wondering who it was and she didnt want to tell me, saying that it didnt matter. I made two guesses and I was right on the last which blew me away, it was a friend of ours, someone we had gone to college with someone who lived in Orlando. Then she went on to say she wasnt sure she wanted to be with me anymore, which freaked me out, because even though we havent been together for the last 6 years, we have still had a closer than close relationship. I couldnt and still cant believe she was basically saying she didnt want to be with me anymore, which obviously meant have the same type of relationship anymore. She really doesnt even want to live with me anymore, even though she says she still wants to be best friends and she still loves me and that she will see me through this blue devil issue, which by the way has sky-rocketed with everything that has gone on.
Then comes E and I tell him im sick of the in and out, that it hurts so much when he leaves because I do love him, I just dont know where he falls with everything else. He says that I need to be strong and that I wont be alone as much as I think because he is going to unravel things quickly and try to be in FL. For a few days we had been talking about it and we both had our turns sobbing over the phone. I didnt know how I was gonna juggle him not being there and Retta not wanting to be there. So my sis starts talking to E and telling him that I just cant deal with the in and out and that he needs to give me some time to get on my feet before he starts doing that to me again. He ended up getting pissed because she mentioned me talking to Lo and I had already told him when he said that i wouldnt be alone that Lo was leaving and that i was going to be alone. Something my sister said just made that change and made him think it was about her. Which really made no sense because then I would just take the ways out he has given me. He offered to put me up in an apt so i could get back on my feet and figure shit out. I never really talked to him, she did and then I had to practically beg for him to call me since I need to pay my cell bill and couldnt just call him. He has made all kinds of threats, told her that I was NOT coming home and then wanted me to move my flight from tomm to next week when he would be gone so that I could go back and figure shit out with Lo. Ive been up here long enough though and being up here def hasnt helped my situation with Lo. I just know I cant stay away and try to deal with things up here, its easy to hang up a phone or not even answer and you can always sign off or not sign in, or just put up an away message and ignore IMs. If I had agreed to wait he would have just used that against me too, so really it was a no win as far as pissing him off.
E tried telling me I wouldnt get in that house, that he would have it locked down before I ever got near it but first of all he thought my flight was a day later and second he doesnt know that the door handle on our bedroom door was changed a long time ago and im the only one with keys, to both the door and the deadbolt. I told him by law he cant keep me out because after two weeks, whether I pay or not im considered a tenant and he has to go through land lord court to get me evicted and even then I would have 30 days. On top of that, if we got in a fight and Lo were to lets say call the police, they would make him leave because in domestic disputes, its the man they make leave the house. He said fine ill see your dead ass in court and by the time im done, you wont live anywhere in FL. I dont know who he thinks he has pull with but really I think he is kidding himself. He tried saying no sheriff in Florida would come near that house. What a joke. Apparently he isnt realizing how much damage I could do to him. I could call his wife, I could call his job and all his accounts and tell them they should question the integrity of someone who makes threats like that and is dating someone 30 years his junior when he has been married for as long. There is just so much I could do that its not even funny, i think its him who doesnt know who hes messing with.
When I finally talked to him tonight I thought i had gotten through to him about loving him and it not being about Lo, he said I love you whatever. Then when he said goodnight, he was like goodnight buddy, then next IM was I do love you travel well and asking if i had a working phone, but by the time he was on his last text it was when you land use your girlfriends phone and call me. He knew it would get under my skin, just as much as the goodnight buddy did.
So thats where im left, with no idea what tommorow will bring and no idea where I will be sleeping tommorrow night. Im at a scary point in life and unfortunetly all I can do is take it as it comes and deal with it from there. Nothing is a garuntee, not even the person I thought would always be there for me. Ive been completely knocked down and all I can do is react to things, im trying to be as proactive as possible but theres not much I can do when its his house and I only have so much money to my name, I doubt he will be giving me anymore. Ive emailed my two closest friends over the years, besides Lo and all I can hope for is there support and help as well. I already talked to Erik and he said he would be there for me over the rocky times, so at least I have one person... I will try to post an update as soon as I can. Its an hour and 45 min before I have to get up for my early ass flight so its off to try to get some sleep. At least being so emotionally exhausted ive been able to do some of that. I passed out earlier knowing I need to pack and get ready and I still cant take everything... Oh well. Im losing everything, why not some material sh*t too.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Gotta Get Away
I gotta get out of here, this place has nearly ruined my life. I dont know what im going to do or where im going to go, I just know I need to go. I cant get off this blue sh*t and no matter how hard I try and im constantly running out of everything else so its impossible to regulate it. I cant borrow the money and Ive got nothing left except my laptop and my PS2 which are not going. E only eft me $200 this time and has no idea when he will be back. Then Lo get paid $500 and its gone in a day. Yet somehow I only got 10-15 blue fairys and maybe a quarter and a half of the skunkie. If its being hoarded I really dont care because then I know its there and I dont need to worry about the ridiculousness of the fact that $700 was gone through in a day. Just doesnt seem possible to me especially when I dont even have enough to get me through tomm, on anything except what im prescribed. Thats at least 2 withdrawals one of which can be fatal. This has gotten so out of control so quickly, I wish I had never seen the stuff. I was happy with what I was doing and where I was going. Now I dont even know what im doing much less where Im going. Everything has been choas this last 6 months and I just want the whirlwind to end. I want to go back to being able to sleep without a million different things to take at night. I dont want to cry and feel depressed all day and then lay awake all night thinking about how tomm isnt going to be any better and most likely worse. Im really stuck on this $700 thing, nothing got paid, no bills that im aware of and if the stuff I need was the only stuff that it was spent on then it wouldnt be gone within 5 days. How can $700 be gone in five days and im out of everything already. Even if she got half an O at 200 and 20 blue fairys that still would have only been 400, plus perry would have been $520. So unless she is hiding it aware somewhere then there is money missing. Which annoys me a little because I always give her my cash right away, its not like I don't know where its going but coming down to this where I dont have what I really need and there was not nearly enough bought even with the $200 I gave her.... At the very least it should have been a quarter and 10 fairys its only Fri and im out of fairys and no trees and she says shes broke. If she doesnt come through for me tonight I really am going to wonder what the hell is going on. Its one thing to not say what you have and just take care of things, its another thing to not say anything and act like im just going to be SOL. Very rarely does she not come through for me and she is usually still waiting on calls even when she gets home late at night.
If my account werent negative I could just ask Ed to put in like $50. I dont even know when he is coming back and im suppose to have a doc appt Tues which is $60 I dont have. I guess I could have him deposit it into one of the other two banks but both those accounts have both our names on them and the only one I have an ATM card for that he could deposit with is HSBC. I dont know if there are any branches up there though. I guess he could wire directly from his to mine. Not on a Sunday though so I have to make it through tomm. Then I can ask him to put in the cash Monday for the doctors appt Tues. We shall see.
If my account werent negative I could just ask Ed to put in like $50. I dont even know when he is coming back and im suppose to have a doc appt Tues which is $60 I dont have. I guess I could have him deposit it into one of the other two banks but both those accounts have both our names on them and the only one I have an ATM card for that he could deposit with is HSBC. I dont know if there are any branches up there though. I guess he could wire directly from his to mine. Not on a Sunday though so I have to make it through tomm. Then I can ask him to put in the cash Monday for the doctors appt Tues. We shall see.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The last post I was still sane
I've managed to work myself into a corner of the bedroom I hated. The devil that had cornered me into my last post has taken over my life for the last four months, going on five. I pretty much talk to no one and im barely holding onto the two relationships I have. One of which is making this whole situation 10 times worse then it should be and last that much longer as well. Ive gone from ten a day to a night with none and a rather painful and death wishing set of withdrawals from that. That only took half a pill to stop and a quick relization that this was going to be a painful process and one that was going to be very difficult to hide and deal with, not to mention fund. Since the night of hell the lowest ive gotten too is 1.25 pills a day. Im not sure I made it through that day... Ed came back that day and the stress caught me back up into it. Somehow I got back up to 3 pills a day with a few days here and there having a bit more than that. I think ive tried nearly every method except the ones that cost money which basically leaves you with tapering or cold turkeying... if you can afford to continue to support it for the taper, or be strong willed enough to continue the taper without going back up again, hence me going from 1.25 back to 3-4... now im back to 2.5 which is suppose to be 2.25 and was really more like 2.75. I really want off of this roller coaster of feeling like crap and having intermittent periods of time where I feel like it will be over. The mornings are the worst by far. I feel like everyday is just another futile attempt to make it through the day and hopefully come up with the solution. Some times I wake up in the morning and think the worst of it would be over in three days. I could get back on my adderall and get my life back together. Have the desire to do something, anything for that matter.
I've gotta suffer through this and get it over with. Maybe I should just go home for a while and beat this... keeping from being disowned due to lack of contact would be good too.
That is the most important thing to take care of, from there its on to smaller and better problems. At least they dont have physical side effects...unless someone throws something at me.
I've gotta suffer through this and get it over with. Maybe I should just go home for a while and beat this... keeping from being disowned due to lack of contact would be good too.
That is the most important thing to take care of, from there its on to smaller and better problems. At least they dont have physical side effects...unless someone throws something at me.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Helllloo Again, its been a while
It seems like so much more than a couple months have gone by. The last post I was writing that I accidentally erased would have probably given alot of insight into where I have been over the last few months. Reading over my posts I mentioned nothing of the blue devil I had been starting to dance with. It started innocently enough with pill split in half and shared with a friend. Now im up to almost 8 a day and its gotten out of control. That was only over the course of a couple months. I cut the trip to MI short because I ran out while I was there and couldnt take it. Its pretty much all been down hill from there. I dont even know how I let it get this far, I knew the dangers and yet I still went down the rabbit hole. I thought i was taking a financial hit before just walking through the forest but this is far worse. I need to quit and yet im terrified of what im going to go through now. From everything I have read, quiting is not pretty and you pretty much want to kill yourself. I really do want to quit though, I cant take my adderall because it makes me sick with this stuff so i've pretty much gotten nothing done in the last couple months. I just want my life back on track. Ironically enough I quit doing everything else when I started these, and if I can quit these I dont think i will need to go back to it all.
Lo is supporting me through all of it, from financial to emotionally and she is stressed and getting sick of it too. I dont blame her and as much as I want her here I hate the fact that I am ruining her life. How could she possibly be happy with this? I guess she is mad at me now for telling her that she could leave and I would understand. I would understand, I would be heartbroken but I would understand and her life would be so much better. Just because I dont see it as a possibility for me right now doesnt mean that she shouldnt have it. Yesterday was suppose to be my first day trying to quit or rather tapering. It went well for the first part of the morning or I guess resonably well. Then Lo got her refund check and I kind of fell off the wagon. Today doesnt feel like its going to happen either. I need to taper down and stop, but im finding that even though I really want to its alot easier said then done. I will give it an effort today to stay at my alloted number at least. I know I can do this, I quit smoking cold turkey and I didn't even really want to do that. I just need to have as much faith in myself as Lo has in me. We shall see how the day goes.
Lo is supporting me through all of it, from financial to emotionally and she is stressed and getting sick of it too. I dont blame her and as much as I want her here I hate the fact that I am ruining her life. How could she possibly be happy with this? I guess she is mad at me now for telling her that she could leave and I would understand. I would understand, I would be heartbroken but I would understand and her life would be so much better. Just because I dont see it as a possibility for me right now doesnt mean that she shouldnt have it. Yesterday was suppose to be my first day trying to quit or rather tapering. It went well for the first part of the morning or I guess resonably well. Then Lo got her refund check and I kind of fell off the wagon. Today doesnt feel like its going to happen either. I need to taper down and stop, but im finding that even though I really want to its alot easier said then done. I will give it an effort today to stay at my alloted number at least. I know I can do this, I quit smoking cold turkey and I didn't even really want to do that. I just need to have as much faith in myself as Lo has in me. We shall see how the day goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
