Adderall 30 mg XR

So I started taking the 30mg XRs today, a couple days late thanks to insurance. A little much at first, I definetely felt jittery and got a little panicky at times. Overall it has improved my focus though I think, this is day one so just going by my productivity today. I had some very minor and fleeting chest pains today, it made me a little nervous but I figure you cant expect no effect from a drug like this. I was a little more chilled out, kind of in that focused contented way, hard to explain except to say that it was the opposite of being restless. At the same time I felt that low thresh hold of frustration that is typical of my adderall experience. I really need to focus on that and the ability to identify it and keep my mouth shut and calm myself before saying anything.

The thought briefly crossed my mind that raising this dosage to the theraputic effect is going to lead to more problems with stopping it, and inevitably it will have to be raised again. I think I was on the 20mgs for over a year now, granted that was with my self imposed vacations from it. The urge to smoke is there with this higher dose but so far it hasnt been uncontrollable. It is lessening the crazy impulsiveness which for my health and sanity is a good thing. Not sure how easy it will be to sleep tonight, not drinking so that will possibly help the quality of my sleep but not necessarily how much of it I will get. I was pretty tired last night but that was after a bottle of wine too.

Weight is dropping fairly rapidly, I really dont have an interest in food, my stomach growls every now and then but the desire to eat isnt there. I need to start getting into the habit of eating in the morning before I take the adderall, of course cutting out the red bull couldn't hurt either. When I do eat I try to make it as healthy as possible at least.

The more I read on Adderall the more concerned I am about side effects. I should know better than to assume that its safe just because it comes out of a pharmacy. I've felt my heart go tacky for a beat or two a couple times, im hoping thats something that will go away with time, as my body adjusts to it. If the anxiousness doesnt get any better than I will start taking one more triavil a day or elavil at least. I read up on the perphenazine, with is the other ingrediant in the triavil. I cant believe I was still throwing up on that, its pretty powerful stuff and seems to have alot of CNS effects so I would rather not take it if I dont have to. I read up a little on elavil too, taking that by itself will help with the anxiety, im not sure whats better, that or xanax. Not getting to that panicky craziness i've been in before so I will try one or the other or both. The klonopin and one triavil a day have kept me pretty balanced but that was with the 20mg we will see with the 30mgs. I still feeling a tad shaky but that has to do with not eating im sure.

Overall, we will have to see.

Another fight?

So we talk on the phone and start to get on another topic of why things are messed up. He called me upset again and finally I told him that I didn't know what to do that he was in control of everything. He got upset and went on about how he was there for me. I asked him how he there for me, he hasnt been here through all this self-destructive behavior. He is so caught up in things that he is really oblivious to whats happening right in front of him.
Now he texts me that im wrong, that I hurt him and he is there for me. I asked him how, I would think I would know if he was there when I needed him or not.

Yay, or so I thought

Ok so I got some Salvia from a head shop down here. 60x which i guess i alot, ive seen people be gone in half a hit and ive smoked 3+ bowls and really only lost touch a little bit once. Oh well, hits your body pretty good though.

Doc raised the adderall too 30mg XR instead of 20. As soon as insurance kicks in im getting it filled. Not really sure its a good idea to up the dosage but if it at least helps me concentrate and get shit done then its all good. I mean it is prescribed so how bad can it really be.

Success

Success for last night, even though it was almost 3 am before it finally got here. Did half yesterday and finished off the other half tonight. It wasnt really great so im not craving it. I just want better shit, overall. Doc appointment tomm, going to try to get the adderall IR for the afternoon and the XR in the morning. Sleeping wont be hard tonight since I only got about 2 hours sleep and thats through the last couple days. I hope things work out with the doc, that would really make me happy but I need to be careful with it too. Either way he needs to raise the XR dose because it just isnt enough to get through the day without being severly off track or just not getting anything done. I guess we will have to will have to wait and see what happens. I am still foraying into my recreational stage, money is a dangerous thing to have at this time. So is someone who has the desire to feel the same way you want too.
Misery loves company even though misery is the opposite of what I am trying to accommplish for myself.
Losing weight, not sure which drug is responsible for that but thats not necessarily what I would call a negative side effect.
I think I would like to get the 30mg XR rather than the 25mg I was originally thinking about. Then again I shouldnt take any more than I have to to stay on task or I am going to a tolerance to quikly and its down the rabbit hole I go... Or am I already half way down the hole?

The Roller Coaster... hasnt ended so far.

Here I am again mixing and trying to generally be F***ked up. Who knows what trouble I am going to find myself in tonight. Lo is at work and I am once again passing the time, the best way I know how. I might be getting some fun stuff tonight, depends on Lo. We could have some fun or we could improvise with some of my other things. I hope that things come through, missing that crazy fun and good feeling. I have been taking the adderall regularly but I think its just adding to this bad behavior and craving for other things. I want to get away from it but at the same time I want to stay in it and take Lo with me. Not in a negative way, just feel safe and comfortable with her and that includes our recreational use together. She is now I think after the same thing I am and we both try what I recommend to get there.
I dont know what effect this is having on her, what she is going through with my phases... She is with me in whatever I do.

I think about Ed and the relationship we have now, we have come so far yet he still has no idea what I am going through right now and even if he did I dont think he would know what to do. In fact I think that it would scare him and make him think it was beyond his understanding and ability to heal. I want to tell him, I want to ask for his support, and yet at the same time I want him to engage in the same behavior with him too. I want to be crazy and our relationship intense and completely honest. I want him to want to do what I do so that we can do it together. I want to be with him in the same crazy state of mind that im in now. Or he can save me from this destruction that I am falling into. I am trying not to see the relationship with the way I am now and the path that my mother took but I am seeing many similarities and I am even younger now then she was when she seemed to check out.

I am already dependent on somethings, I am scared of stopping the klonopin now because of all the things that ive read about withdrawal from benzos. Cant believe I used to carry a prescription bottle of ativan in my car in case something happened at work and it eventually disintergrated in the heat to a powder. I think I threw it out which I also realize now was stupid.

We'll see how well tonight goes... Hopefully something works out.

Gone Again

Ed is gone again and as hard as I tried this time we still ended up arguing. We dont seem to argue any less we just seem to get more effective at arguing. At least this time we were able to calm down before it turned into another full fledged fight. It will be another ten days or so before he comes home and I dont know if the time will be good or bad. I think the more time he spends away the less time I can really see us being where I want us to be. Cant tell him that, I would be being pushy and pressing him. It would only be the truth.

Been on the adderall consistently though I have taken it late the past couple days. It seems to work for the first couple days I take it but after that its back to the same restlessness and agitation. I think that I may need a higher dose now but asking for it is the cardinal sin with drugs like that. Am I trying to get high? I dont think so, its a matter of it working or not. I would rather not take it at this point because it really doesnt help that much.

Still havent really shaken this desire to experiment and be F***ed up. This is a dangerous road to be heading down. I can almost see the same mistakes my mother must have made. I dont want to go there or end up like her and somehow I feel like its almost calling me, like its my fate. I read somewhere that its human, the desire to experiment and feel high, we are seeking alternate stages of consciousness. Thats the excuse im gonna use for now.

Sampling legal alternatives, inconclusive thus far...

FDA black box warning on Adderall XR

Hmm this is comforting to think about, and what determines it getting pulled from the shelf. I mean im sure there are many things but if they pull all these thats gonna leave alot of people hurting. Unsure of date of this...

FDA Black Box Warning Labels on ADHD Medications
in
ADHD Medication
FDA warnings

After much debate the following medications carry the "black box warnings" on the labels of the bottles. These are the strongest warnings that the FDA requires, a step away from pulling the medications.

Adderall Tablets (mixed salts of a single entity amphetamine product)
Adderall XR (mixed salts of a single entity amphetamine product) Extended-Release Capsules
Concerta (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Tablets
Daytrana (methylphenidate) Transdermal System
Desoxyn (methamphetamine hydrochloride) Tablets Label (will be updated soon)
Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine sulfate) Spansule Capsules and Tablets
Focalin (dexmethylphenidate hydrochloride) Tablets
Focalin XR (dexmethylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules
Metadate CD (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules
Methylin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Oral Solution
Methylin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Chewable Tablets
Ritalin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Tablets
Ritalin SR (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Sustained-Release Tablets
Ritalin LA (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules
Strattera (atomoxetine hydrochloride) Capsules

Warnings for Amphetamine, Dextroamphetamine, Lisdexamfetamine dismesylate, Methamphetamine, Mixed Salts of a Single Entity Amphetamine Products
Adderall, Adderall XR, Desoxyn, and Dexedrine (SR)
High abuse/diversion potential: Amphetamines have a high potential for abuse. Particular attention should be paid to the possibility of subjects obtaining amphetamines for non-therapeutic use or distribution to others, and the drugs should be prescribed or dispensed sparingly.
Drug dependence: Administration of amphetmaines for prolonged periods of time may lead to drug dependence and must be avoided.
Serious Adverse Events: Misuse of amphetamines may cause sudden death and serious cardiovascular adverse events

another me moment

so we go out dinner and there is the culprit staring me in the face. Alcohol always seems to be my thing with him. we go out and I cant wait to get my first drink, actually anything we do I cant wait to drink, the problem is I always get to talkative and then end up creating more problems for myself then I started with. Pretty much no matter how you cut it I am unhappy with him. He is so involved in his world and he makes me feel that I am crazy and that he has to put in so much work just to manage me. I am tired of feeling like a burden. If he doesnt think he can handle me then he should just say so and let this go. I cry for hours and yet he still has no idea why. I cant even be who I want to be around him, it doesnt help that he falls asleep why I am sobbing.
I feel so alone and I dont know what to do, can't turn to him and cant blame Lo for not wanting to hear it. She is in her own kind of hell and if I were her I would cry myself to sleep every night. He doesnt undertand and he wont I dont think. I cant handle this pressure, I am losing my best friend and my signifigant other and my world all in one.
He said tonight that he wanted all the rent, that wanted to manage his own money and of course I felt the sting immediately. It couldnt have been more obvious if he flat out said I want to know where the money is going and why. It was just a slap in the face. I guess that was a pretty obvious show of what he thought of me and my money managing ideas in general. He knows that I have no income, how nice of him to take away the little he knows I have and make me ask for whatever I need. I just want out of the situation now, I am only now realizing how stressed and anxious its making me.
I could easily fall asleep on the couch but im afraid Ed might wake up and find me and then that could open a whole can of worms that I would rather stay away from. My whole goal while he is here is to stay away from the conflict and make it as peaceful a visit as possible. If he doesnt want me to show emotion then I wont and he will have no clue as to how I truly feel. Maybe he doesnt want one, I miss my life and my friends. I need to become self sufficient and autonomous, the more I can do for myself the better, he has just proved the ridiculous of trusting anyone other than those you feel you can.

Passed the crazy phase?

Ed has been home for about four days now. Things are actually better. I started running again, it feels good. I havent started smoking again and its been two weeks and as far as the other well im working on getting it to a managable level. Im getting into more of a routine which is helpful. Ed and I have been doing well, he isnt leaving til late saturday, thats a long consecutive stretch for him. We havent fought so far and I really am trying hard to keep it that way. He has been really busy but I've been keeping busy to, between working out and doing the work for Ed Jr.'s house. Its really essential for me to find something to do and keep me occupied, that really is the key to my happieness.
The adderall is working well for me but in the back of my mind im still thinking about how im gonna feel when I have to stop. I am down to just one triavil and a klonopin later in the day and the adderall in the morning. I am only eating like once a day but I eat a good amount then so I dont think im doing to bad. I am losing weight though which im happy about, ten or fifteen more pounds and I think I will be where I want to be. I've seen alot of improvement in my heart rate and running just in the three days I have been running regularly with one day break in between. Already running two miles a day is a good start I think, I cant wait til I am running up to five miles a day again, and comfortable running in a sports bra again.
Talking to the doctor I am making improvements, the biggest right now being quiting smoking and starting to work out. One thing at a time and im feeling better already.

Experimenting.... not such a great idea...

Im feeling crazy, my behavior feels extreme even to me. I feel like I just want to be f**ked up. Maybe its the adderall, I dont know. I've been drinking so much more and taking more pills, I just want to get away from my life. Im doing stupid things but even though I know I know how stupid they are I cant seem to get away from it. Its scares me but I can see how easily my mother fell into this and how close I am to falling into it too.

Ed is coming home tommorow so I know that will help. He has no idea what I am going through right now, Im tip toeing on that ledge and I cant tell him that. He would probably flip out if he even had an inkling about what I was looking into. I just want to pass out because its passing the time. Will I ever be interested in anything for more than a week? What is this craving for feeling and experience and extremes. Its gonna get me in trouble...

Oh the Adderall Roller Coaster Again...

Obviously I didnt die on my plane trek to the north... Things went ok going there, no missed flights or even delays to speak of. The weather started to get nasty as we made our way from Detroit to GR but for that we had and all wheel drive car and really the temperature held just above freezing so we werent to worried about black ice, or any ice for that matter. The time at home was good but short it was nice to see everyone though and it was snowy so that was nice too. Now I get back home and its in the low 40's here, mother nature is cruel!

So kind of had a melt down on the way back to WPB. We got to detroit airport early and ended drinking in the airport till the flight was suppose to leave. That right there was my first mistake. We boarded a half hour late and then sat on the runway for another 20 minutes after that. I was already anxious by that point because there wasnt much time between this flight landing and the one for home taking off. We finally took off but much later and by the time we landed in Baltimore we were an hour late for the connecting. Needless to say we didnt make it. I flew off the handle, I was so pissed. I just felt so helpless and out of control about it, Half that was the alcohol and the other half was my lowered patience since starting to take adderall again. I was being totally unreasonable and refused to stay in Baltimore for the night. There was nothing we could do and instead booked the first flight to Ft. Lauderdale in the AM. From there I was set in anger mode, I knew Ed felt bad and even worse I knew it wasnt his fault but I couldnt break myself out of it. The airline put us up in the airport hotel for the night and almost as soon as we got in the room we started fighting. The flight was at 640 AM and niether of us got more than two hours of sleep before heading back to the airport. I was throwing up from the anxiety of it all and didnt take any of my meds which im sure compounded the problem. Ed and I were really still at odds and that was adding to the crappy feeling. We made the flight though and arrived early in Ft. Lauderdale. By the time he left again for New York later that afternoon we were ok, just sad to being saying good-bye once more.

Since he left I just feel like being F**cked up. It didnt help he left new years eve so pretty much all that day and new years day I was drinking. I didnt drink last night but found myself smoking alot more. That was the other thing. I quit smoking cigarettes. Its been almost a week and a half, Im doing ok besides being generally moody but again I cant tell, that might be the adderall. I picked a hell of a time to quit, when I starting taking my meds again, that when I crave it most. Im really just replacing it though because I just make up for the smoking with the trees. I think I would go insane if I didnt at least have that.

Its scaring me a little because the desire to just be fucked up is so strong. Im also broke so whatever I do is on top of not eating. Oh the irony, I pay my health insurance so I can see the doc and get my meds but today I couldnt even go to the doc because I didnt have the money for the co-pay. Yesterday the exterminator came and I didnt have the money for that either. I hate being broke, it makes it so much easier to be depressed.

Taking the adderall again is a double edged thing for me. I know that I am eventually going to have to stop again for a period of time and then I will have to go through the withdrawal again. The up and down of taking it is that it helps with the concentration and focus but it makes me very short tempered and impatient and thats on top of the way I am naturally. I have about a month or two before I need to stop taking it again, I guess i'll just try to accomplish as much as possible in the mean time and maybe find something else that works for me. I started to take the elavil the doc prescribed last time but I just cant handle the side effects and the weight gain, they are just as damaging to me as what the pill is prescribed for. I'll have to reschedule my appointment when I have the co- pay and talk to him about it then. I never did pick up the other prescription he wrote out for me. Christmas time, some things are more important.