The Roller Coaster... hasnt ended so far.

Here I am again mixing and trying to generally be F***ked up. Who knows what trouble I am going to find myself in tonight. Lo is at work and I am once again passing the time, the best way I know how. I might be getting some fun stuff tonight, depends on Lo. We could have some fun or we could improvise with some of my other things. I hope that things come through, missing that crazy fun and good feeling. I have been taking the adderall regularly but I think its just adding to this bad behavior and craving for other things. I want to get away from it but at the same time I want to stay in it and take Lo with me. Not in a negative way, just feel safe and comfortable with her and that includes our recreational use together. She is now I think after the same thing I am and we both try what I recommend to get there.
I dont know what effect this is having on her, what she is going through with my phases... She is with me in whatever I do.

I think about Ed and the relationship we have now, we have come so far yet he still has no idea what I am going through right now and even if he did I dont think he would know what to do. In fact I think that it would scare him and make him think it was beyond his understanding and ability to heal. I want to tell him, I want to ask for his support, and yet at the same time I want him to engage in the same behavior with him too. I want to be crazy and our relationship intense and completely honest. I want him to want to do what I do so that we can do it together. I want to be with him in the same crazy state of mind that im in now. Or he can save me from this destruction that I am falling into. I am trying not to see the relationship with the way I am now and the path that my mother took but I am seeing many similarities and I am even younger now then she was when she seemed to check out.

I am already dependent on somethings, I am scared of stopping the klonopin now because of all the things that ive read about withdrawal from benzos. Cant believe I used to carry a prescription bottle of ativan in my car in case something happened at work and it eventually disintergrated in the heat to a powder. I think I threw it out which I also realize now was stupid.

We'll see how well tonight goes... Hopefully something works out.