Im feeling crazy, my behavior feels extreme even to me. I feel like I just want to be f**ked up. Maybe its the adderall, I dont know. I've been drinking so much more and taking more pills, I just want to get away from my life. Im doing stupid things but even though I know I know how stupid they are I cant seem to get away from it. Its scares me but I can see how easily my mother fell into this and how close I am to falling into it too.
Ed is coming home tommorow so I know that will help. He has no idea what I am going through right now, Im tip toeing on that ledge and I cant tell him that. He would probably flip out if he even had an inkling about what I was looking into. I just want to pass out because its passing the time. Will I ever be interested in anything for more than a week? What is this craving for feeling and experience and extremes. Its gonna get me in trouble...
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