So kind of had a melt down on the way back to WPB. We got to detroit airport early and ended drinking in the airport till the flight was suppose to leave. That right there was my first mistake. We boarded a half hour late and then sat on the runway for another 20 minutes after that. I was already anxious by that point because there wasnt much time between this flight landing and the one for home taking off. We finally took off but much later and by the time we landed in Baltimore we were an hour late for the connecting. Needless to say we didnt make it. I flew off the handle, I was so pissed. I just felt so helpless and out of control about it, Half that was the alcohol and the other half was my lowered patience since starting to take adderall again. I was being totally unreasonable and refused to stay in Baltimore for the night. There was nothing we could do and instead booked the first flight to Ft. Lauderdale in the AM. From there I was set in anger mode, I knew Ed felt bad and even worse I knew it wasnt his fault but I couldnt break myself out of it. The airline put us up in the airport hotel for the night and almost as soon as we got in the room we started fighting. The flight was at 640 AM and niether of us got more than two hours of sleep before heading back to the airport. I was throwing up from the anxiety of it all and didnt take any of my meds which im sure compounded the problem. Ed and I were really still at odds and that was adding to the crappy feeling. We made the flight though and arrived early in Ft. Lauderdale. By the time he left again for New York later that afternoon we were ok, just sad to being saying good-bye once more.
Since he left I just feel like being F**cked up. It didnt help he left new years eve so pretty much all that day and new years day I was drinking. I didnt drink last night but found myself smoking alot more. That was the other thing. I quit smoking cigarettes. Its been almost a week and a half, Im doing ok besides being generally moody but again I cant tell, that might be the adderall. I picked a hell of a time to quit, when I starting taking my meds again, that when I crave it most. Im really just replacing it though because I just make up for the smoking with the trees. I think I would go insane if I didnt at least have that.
Its scaring me a little because the desire to just be fucked up is so strong. Im also broke so whatever I do is on top of not eating. Oh the irony, I pay my health insurance so I can see the doc and get my meds but today I couldnt even go to the doc because I didnt have the money for the co-pay. Yesterday the exterminator came and I didnt have the money for that either. I hate being broke, it makes it so much easier to be depressed.
Taking the adderall again is a double edged thing for me. I know that I am eventually going to have to stop again for a period of time and then I will have to go through the withdrawal again. The up and down of taking it is that it helps with the concentration and focus but it makes me very short tempered and impatient and thats on top of the way I am naturally. I have about a month or two before I need to stop taking it again, I guess i'll just try to accomplish as much as possible in the mean time and maybe find something else that works for me. I started to take the elavil the doc prescribed last time but I just cant handle the side effects and the weight gain, they are just as damaging to me as what the pill is prescribed for. I'll have to reschedule my appointment when I have the co- pay and talk to him about it then. I never did pick up the other prescription he wrote out for me. Christmas time, some things are more important.
No comments:
Post a Comment