Gone Again

Ed is gone again and as hard as I tried this time we still ended up arguing. We dont seem to argue any less we just seem to get more effective at arguing. At least this time we were able to calm down before it turned into another full fledged fight. It will be another ten days or so before he comes home and I dont know if the time will be good or bad. I think the more time he spends away the less time I can really see us being where I want us to be. Cant tell him that, I would be being pushy and pressing him. It would only be the truth.

Been on the adderall consistently though I have taken it late the past couple days. It seems to work for the first couple days I take it but after that its back to the same restlessness and agitation. I think that I may need a higher dose now but asking for it is the cardinal sin with drugs like that. Am I trying to get high? I dont think so, its a matter of it working or not. I would rather not take it at this point because it really doesnt help that much.

Still havent really shaken this desire to experiment and be F***ed up. This is a dangerous road to be heading down. I can almost see the same mistakes my mother must have made. I dont want to go there or end up like her and somehow I feel like its almost calling me, like its my fate. I read somewhere that its human, the desire to experiment and feel high, we are seeking alternate stages of consciousness. Thats the excuse im gonna use for now.

Sampling legal alternatives, inconclusive thus far...