New Job... New Beginnings

So after a looong drawn out period of searching for employment, I am finally working. I had been looking for a long time for anything other than what I was doing with my last steady job. I was at the vets office for a while but that began to wear on me with all the cruelty I saw and the death. I kind of just left one day and never came back. They never even called me to see if I was ok, whatever, I dont think they were the brightest people anyway. After working in the clinic and seeing what has happened and happens behind closed doors I wouldnt bring my cats there. They lost 3 animals the week I left

Note: this was 10/29/09 just decided to post my drafts

Why does it come to this...

I am not sure what makes someone decide why there life isnt worth it anymore... I can only give my own perspective. Many people think its a selfish act but how selfish is it to give up the rest of ones life and not because of frivolous reasons, have you considered how hard it is to die alone, or even die. We all have thoughts and dreams we want to accomplish. Can you imagine being so hurt that the only thing left for you is to leave. Nothing that made you happy, makes you happy anymore. You are lost and alone, whether real or imagined that is the way you feel. Maybe you were wrong, you didnt give the one you love what they want, despite what they said. The rest of your family is gone... you are stuck in a situation you truly cant see a way out of. If you get to the point where you truly dont want to live anymore, I feel sorry for you, not the family you leave behind. They tend to hide behind BS excuses as to why they couldnt see it or recognize where you were. They had their own lifes going on... no one would say it but I bet that tends to be a reason. I say that with a heavy heart, knowing that the same applies to those I love. I wouldn't say everyone, but those who have know you longest or best would apply. For instance my dads family would probably do a lot if they thought that was where I was headed but my moms family, who has known me my whole life would be slower to react. Weird I suppose, but true.

My ADD has really been tough for me lately. I cant afford to see a doctor for it, and even if I could, I wouldnt be able to afford the medication. Really, $250+ for adderall is ridiculous, and I thought the patent was suppose to be up soon. Its really sick what the pharmaceutical companies get away with, I know I would rather not have to take anything and just be normal. The cost is just an added "Bonus" for me, just to be able to focus like most people. I think I could do great things if I could focus on something for more than 10 seconds. The worst part is I dont even know when I will have the insurance to be able to see a doc and when I do he/she may not be willing to prescribe me the adderall. Its a sad world when those who need it cant get it because of those who "want" it. Either way I need to do something, its not such a big deal while im not really doing anything, although that may be why I have not really been doing anything. Lol. I had to laugh at myself because I started a sentence then my phone went off and when I came back to the sentence I had no idea where I was going with it... Yes it can happen to anyone but such a typical ADD moment.

My sister has been in the hospital for the last 8 days... they moved her from where she was about 45 min south to a bigger hospital. She was in for pneumonia, then they told her she had Mersa, then finally they transferred her for a collapsed lung. I dont personally see the connection between the 3 but I guess thats why Im not a doctor... Anyway she says she is doing better finally, which knowing her could mean anything, she just doesnt want me worrying. I feel bad that she is less than 15 min from the family we grew up in and they still havent visited her. My older sis has been a few times, for which I am thankful.

I was freaking out about how I was going to get all my bills paid... My phone was shut off today but luckily a friend paid it and didnt tell me until they said call me when its on. Now I am worried about my car insurance, it is suppose to come out tomm but tomm is a Sun so im not sure how that works... anyways Im almost $30 short and since Im still on that account with Lo I feel really bad about it taking anything out much less putting it in overdraft. I still need to pay for the last time they took out insurance and another $40 I spent... I am putting my pride aside and asking my step dad if he can help me out so that I can put the cash back... Even though Lo took what seemed like a lot of extra cash out when I had my tax return in there I still feel bad. Besides, im sure she felt that I owed her which im sure I really did, I just feel like she should have told me. I told her as much, so I didnt feel terribly about the last insurance and money I needed to take for the car. I just dont want her to think I am taking advantage because if there were any other way I would do it. The last thing I want is her thinking im not responsible or cant handle myself... It just hit at a bad time in the month.

Im sick of feeling like crap all the time, every morning I wake up wondering why I did. I started a book then realized I already read it... "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom In it this guy tries to kill himself and at one point he says, those who want to die are the ones that have the hardest time doing so. It would be interesting to see what the statistics are for those who die by there own hand and those who dont but by the same method... for instance, how many people shot in the head survive vs. the amount of people who die by self inflicted gunshot to the same area... of course accounting for number differences in both categories. I guess my mom would be a good example of that for me... She tried to OD on pills so many times but then according to the M.E. she just took her meds twice in one night and poof, shes gone. After all she had been through, she dies on the smallest overdose. Of course I have my own theories about that but for now this is case in point.

Anyway, my whole point was on suicide, I just dont agree with the whole selfish thing. Having been at that point myself I know how much pain it takes to get there. The despair and anguish I have felt at that point is unbearable, im sure anyone who saw a way out would take it. The whole point is ending the pain you are in. I think saying it is selfish is just another way of throwing blame rather than accepting it. That being said, there are exceptions to everything. Some people overestimate anothers ability to deal with something they think is "part of life". For instance the loss of a partner or significant other, it happens to everyone at some point or another. What if someone feels like they have lost "the one"... that can mean something different for everyone and probably means more to those who have already found that person. There was a case in the news about an Asian couple, I use the generalization because im not exactly sure of the nationality. Anyway, the woman died, im not sure of the causes, and her husband was absolutely bereft. In the end he went to wherever she was (morgue or funeral home) swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and lay in the crypt with her until her died. I can imagine a lot of people would think this was sick, but I can understand. Having been in a relationship that I feel that strongly about someone, I use present tense because I still do, if that were to have happened I would have done the same. Who would understand but someone who has been that close to someone? Obviously a lot of other factors can work into that or what makes a person commit suicide in general but that is just my very general opinion. As I write this I realize there is really a lot more I could add but for now ill leave it at that....

What a mess.

I need to start a new job, any job cautiously optimistic about Cheese, need to call today to find out what the outcome of my interview and subsequent call to my old GM was. I am no where near patient and so I called myself to my old store and asked what my outcome was when I left. He said everything was good, so it will be interesting to hear any excuses if there are any. Im worried about not having insurance and not being able to get my adderall. I went to get my last script anticipating starting a new job but it had been to long since I dropped it off, so they wanted me to get it rewritten. Ha, it would cost me $250 for the appt, if I could even get a hold of him and then an additional $200+ for the script. Not having health insurance sucks. Ive never been political, but im starting to pay a little bit more attention to the whole health care thing. I don't pretend to know for a second whats best but I know it would help me a hell of a lot if I had insurance and could get the med's I need. I would definitely be more of what people would call a productive member of society. It seems like I focus less as the days go by, and I've developed plenty of bad habits to add to my general lack of focus. I feel like I'm losing my mind, it sucks to not be able to be interested in something for more than a few minutes. It always amazes me that I can even get through an entire post, which is why they tend to be few and far between. I know things need to change but im afraid of getting sick of things so fast that regardless of how much I want the job, I wont be able to keep with it. The more I think about it, the more I realize these last 8 or so months has flown by and I hardly remember any of it. I have become the thing I feared the most and as of now im really not seeing many options for getting out of it. I have plenty of ideas but having ideas and putting them into action are entirely different stories.
I am actually listening to music today, Ive found that for the most part Ive lost interest in things that used to interest me, the most of which being music. It also doesn't help that I am horrible about keeping in touch with people so I've pretty much isolated myself. My sister is not doing well, how you can go from pneumonia to mersa to collapsed lung, is beyond me. I feel like I should be there but im barely hanging on myself and I know I can't afford it. If she wants me there then I will go... Im feeling so much desperation right now, im not even sure what makes me happy anymore. I don't even know why I get out of bed in the morning right now. This isn't exactly where I pictured myself at this point in my life. I guess no one really ever ends up where they think they will. No amount of hiding or burying myself in books will change what my reality is now.

mistakes

"What matters more than the mistakes you make, is what you learn from them" T.I.

New roads on the horizon?

Im not really sure what to make of myself right now... Maybe just because I am reading the books, but I feel like Bella when Edward left her in the forest. I could I have been so stupid, even with being able to see this coming, I did nothing to stop it... i put too much stock in the word of another.. I wonder if she is missing me too. No doubt I am in by far the worst shape I have been in my whole life. Drinking only makes it worse but I feel like ill crumple from the pressure of my own broken heart if I dont black it out somehow. I dont even know how I make it through the day... not that others havent been through this but I feel truly bereft and after 6 months or more you would think I would start seeing the light... I dont know if i cant or dont want too. I just dont feel whole, i dont think i ever will. I cant imagine ever having that type of relationship with anyone. I was told at one point that my lot in life was to suffer for others... is that the whole leaving her alone part, and remaining unhappy to keep others happy? Its nothing less than I deserve, even if I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I have made my mistakes but this is a heavy karmic punishment, even for my behavior... i waiting for my last chance angel next lol. I hope she sees this for what it is, i would be by her side in a heartbeat, but i think she is happier without me. I love her enough to want her happy, even if it kills me. Which it may, i would have thought ive drank enough to put down a horse...I think ive blacked out everynight for the last month or more. The mechanic where i get my car fixed said they lost one of their mechanics too tequila... it took 7 years or more. I cant wait that long, however a passive route ive taken.. and not that it does anything to aid my postition with her. She would think me as weak and worthless as ever. She is mistaking inability as just that when its more like just not seeing what the point is to moving on without her. Im going through the motions, im sure it will take alot to pull me out of that.. if its possible. I wish i had some support or understanding but im pretty much stuck. I want to run away but im afraid of losing even the proximity of her. Why did it take this to realize I was completely lost withhout her, my soul mate. And does she not feel the same? This may be the death of me yet.

Dads family for the first time

" Lately ive been hard to reach, ive been to long on my own, everybody has a private world where they can be alone. Are you calling me, are you tryin to get through, are you reaching out for me, and im reaching out for you." " im just f*ckin depressed I just cant seem to get out this slump, if i could just get out this hump but i need something to get me out this dump i took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and got right back up...."I dont know how or why, or when i ended up in this position im in im starting to feel distant again.... I dont know how i got into this situation again, but I know one thing, ill be one tough act to follow." Not exactly the lyrics but close... Eminem song beautiful perfectly describes how I feel. I just dont think anyone can understand without walking in my shoes... the one I lost. I feel like im just going throug the motions. I wish I could qoute the song but it takes forever, just download it if interested. Meeting my dads family was an experience, I missed them almost as soon as I left. They are the only part of him I have left, I am left with more questions than answers. He may have shot himself, but he lived for a reason and the fact that his gf pulled the plug gives me murderous rage. She had no right and I will hunt her down till the day I die. She had no right and I feel that urge to kill when it comes to her. Movies show the same, you feel that obligation to your parents. He was coming home, maybe she killed him herself, who knows. I can tell you, she will regret ever meeting me thats for sure.

Where Am I?

So, its been a couple months since my last post and im not really sure im any further from that spot... That being said, I didnt re-read it because I probably would be embaressed by what I wrote, it is after all entitled Patron 3/4 bottle... That should say it all. The biggest things that have happened are a family reunion, that I nearly didnt go to, for lack of invitation and that I hadnt talked to grandma in nearly 6 months. Not such a great idea when it comes to family relations. I need to call her now that Im thinking about it. I am currently seething over a situation that happened while I was at said reunion. I left my cats in the car of a neighbor for 1 day and she says she locked the key in the house... She then took it upon herself to have a locksmith come out and change the locks on my door. If that werent enough to piss me off in itself, she then handed me the bill.... $200. Absolutely f*cking ridiculous, they took the old lock and changed a top lock that she told them had no key, which was done purposefully. When I contacted the lock company they of course tried to put all the blame on the neighbor saying they only pushed the door open and she was the one who decided to have the locks changed AFTER the door had been opened. I asked them very specifically if they used any tools at all to open the door and they said no, they simply pushed it open, could someone please explain to me then why she didnt just take the key and say thank you and leave? I need anger management, im ready to strangle someone for this. It may seem petty but really who has $200 dollars to spend on a lock that didnt need changing. That and the fact that this nosey freakin neighbor made a decision without even consulting me. Meddling does not even cover this person, that and she got a hold of someone I work with to take care of my cats because apparently she felt that one day was too much for them to be alone. I have not paid of course and I refuse to do so. This is going to lead to somewhat of a neighborhood feud im sure but seriously, what right did she have? The lock company is just as liable for changing the locks on someones place without even talking to them, just taking the word of a neighbor. I really could go on and on about this but im doing everything I can to make the company pay and if I have to, I will go after the neighbor. Yea it may only be $200 but its also the principle of it and the fact that the damn door looks ridiculous now and Im gonna have to pay for another lock that looks reasonable anyway. Someone is lying, either she is about locking the key in or the company saying that she decided after they simply pushed the door open to change the lock. Ok, still really seeing red about it but ill leave it at that for now.

Anyway, the family reunion, much less stressful then I thought, apparently my sister told my aunt that I was suicidal, my aunt then told my grandmother and I got a phone call that night. No animosity and everyone seemed closer then before at the reunion, the could be the influence of the gin though. It was fun to be around everyone and my sisters, hasnt been that way since mom was alive and we were young. That and I whipped everyone in pool. Guess all that time playing at the rec center with my sister when we were young paid off, for me at least... she still lost to me ha ha. Oh and the more interesting highlight, my sister was staying at my aunts and I at my grandmas, they only live a few blocks apart. So I went to my aunts and my sister and I went to 7-11 a couple streets from my aunts so I could get a phillie and get my sister cigarettes. I got my philly and put it to good use. Rather than smoke in my grandmothers car we decided to sit outside the car in the parking lot behind 7-11 and talk while smoking. We had talked for awhile and one car passed and I got nervous for a second thinking it was a cop, it wasnt... damn paranoia. A little bit passed and I turned to put out my philly... Not even 2 minutes later a bright light was shining on us and I was having a heart attack. The cop got out of his car and asked us our names, I of course was talking as fast as my heart was beating... being under the influence was not helping. I explained that we were just out here talking, that I was staying at my grandmothers and she was staying with my aunt, we just came out to talk. I offered up that I was here from out of state... stupid on my part I know. He asked if we walked and I said no that the car in front of us was mine. He said people dont usually sit behind closed businesses.. I replied that we could leave if he wanted. He said no thats ok, shined the light into the car, where my open container was sitting in a cup holder and then left. Talk about dodging a bullet. I dont know why he didnt see the can or even give us a hard time for that matter, maybe because it was 2 girls? Whatever, new respect for MI cops definitely earned. My sister and I were cracking up after that, she was far calmer then I was, of course she had nothing on her. I was the only idiot there. I hope that was a sign of my luck changing. It was luck for sure.

On another slightly less ridiculous note, I have gotten caught up in the Twilight series. I never watch a movie more than once and im ashamed to admit I have seen Twilight I think 4-5 times and just bought the movie. I also finished the all the books in about 4 days. I hardly consider myself someone to get caught up in things like this but for some reason its got me. I cant wait for New Moon to come out, even though I just cringed thinking that. Whatever, I guess it will be my little guilty pleasure. Im not particularly attracted to anyone in the movie, guess I just wish my life was as exciting. Probably what it is for most people I would think, that and I wish I could write like that. Ive wanted to write a book for so long, I used to write books when I was young, I dont know what happened to the ideas or the creativity but I cant seem to find it now.

So took a little break to go talk to the neighbor about not being happy with the lock, talk about shooting the messenger, she threatened to tell the whole damn neighborhood about not being paid and where I work on top of that... and I didnt even say she wasnt getting paid, I just said I wasnt happy with the lock and the lock company said that she lied. She practically threw me out of the house. I now despise her more, however, my anger is somewhat tempered by the way she reacted before I even had a chance to get angry. She threatened to sic her crazy gun collecting son on me on top of that. Geez people are effin crazy. I need to get out of here... I now know where that saying, drive you to drink comes from.

Part 3 Last Third

I dont know if I will actually get through the last 3rd tonight but it should stand as a testament to my state of mind that I have made it to this point in relatively little time. That being said, pause for another shot. I forgot I already set it up, probably a good indication I dont need it. Bottoms up... I have come to realize if Lo is reading this, it will just reiterate the fact that I am a loser. Not totally irresponsible but still a loser. No wonder she had resorted to emailing me on facebook and myspace rather than just texting or calling, how nice of her to make the effort at all. Again refer to above state of mind..

The sting I feel now, barely touches the pain I feel in my heart. This is the next day, passed out before I could write anymore and consequently post it. Not that im any better state of mind to being writing or posting this morning... Long story, and not morning anymore... 2 15 300 im sorry, ill be back and in the meantme ill watch out

Note: posted draft 6/20/09

Patron part 2. 2/3 bottle left

I was hoping that I hadnt actually posted that post last night but as I was reading it I became more convinced that my theory of people being there most honest when drunk was proven. I would believe a drunk over a sober person any day when it comes to saying how they really feel or what they really think. They may regret having said it, if they remember, and lie about it later but for the most part drunk people are incredibly honest. The time Ed choked me 3 different time in one night he was so drunk he didnt remember it, but it was always a feeling seething under the surface for him. That incident represented everything he hated and feared about my relationship with Lo, that he effectively ruined both directly and indirectly. The intensity of his anger I have always known, he had just shown me a degree I knew was there but hadnt seen yet. Not that I ever wanted to see it, and to be honest it took me by complete surprise, I know I posted about it. The whole situation was so ridiculous I still cant believe it. Contrary to what im sure he thinks, I really dont think about it that much, another piece of abuse in a history riddled with it. Maybe thats why it slips my mind so easily. It really was unforgivable, when I look at the past incidents with that as a culmination and everything else being much milder. Im less than half his age and he is more than twice my size height and weight. No way that was a fair fight, I know everyone that knew about it thought I was crazy to stay. Where else can I go, Lo just isnt an option, shes made it pretty clear where I stand with her. I have resisted asking her for any support and therefore have ended up not talking to her, typical me. I dont want to bother her or mess with her life any more then she feels I already have. She emails me she misses me and still uses that word, the one that had always held for me the love truly felt. For everything about her has become a mystery. I feel I am forced to walk this earth with a piece of my soul forever missing. I guess I deserve this, and really it doesnt matter whether I do or not, I feel I have sealed my fate. What I said, the promises I made, I am true to myself. Those feelings and words were true, even if im the only one who believed in them. The life I live now is one of fear and punishment, mental more than physical which I feel makes me the weak one, perhaps I deserve it. I would let myself get off with nothing less with the guilt and pain I feel now.

Why cant we all just be honest?

As I went through my old emails on an account I rarely ever check, there were a bunch of emails in there from ed. I guess not a bunch, like 3... Two of them nice and one of them typical him. I dont know what the situation was but he was obviously very upset and I think we had broken up and he was talking about how he couldnt stop crying and how he loved me so much. Reading that and the others I realized how little had changed and at the same time how much has changed. I was going to post the emails, just to give a better idea of what he is like, I may still.

This whole situation, the last few years really, have taken a huge toll on me. I feel so desperate and trapped right now. I really have no one to turn too, E will be gone soon if he hasnt left already... mixed feelings on that. Ed is really a constant stress, I feel like im on eggshells around him. I need to get on me feet and learn to be more comfortable with myself. Im in a tail spin right now and its really scary. Good example... right now, bottle of patron, great chaser so I cant taste it and the great green god has smiled upon me... bad combo and thank god for spell check.

Smoked way to many cigarettes this morning and ended up puking, thats it for smokes for a while. It seems like smoking cigarettes is involved in my restless legs too, I become more aware of it when im not smoking. Dont have a problem with any other type of smoking though, thank above. I dont know if I really would be able to function without it. I wouldnt eat, Id have trouble sleeping, my anxiety would be through the roof, and it helps my legs. I think thats part of what makes it so difficult when Ed is around, I cant smoke around him and its very stressful trying to sneak it in around times he is gone. As long as I have to be here I have to obey his rules, as much as even typing that makes me want to puke. I really see the manipulative commandeering nature when I take a step back, like reading those old emails it crazy some of the mean things he said... I guess ill put it in and edit for others privacy

"It's because I love you so deeply I writing to you now.If you remember what you wrote or said the month before that had us both so upset it is a repeat of this event. It is a pattern that I'm afraid Is one that you have been through before. I said get some help I'm telling you why. **** is a poor sole that is caught in the you trap of loving you and being with you and getting nothing in return except the occasional hug you give her. That what you had in store for me.You can't handle love like I have for you so you will destroy it. I'm afraid you will just move on to do the same to someone else. It will never get better for you until you get help. Please don't take this wrong I'm doing it and crying at the same time as I only want you to be happy.I felt because of my life experiences I was the man that could help you with all your issues by always reassuring you of love like someone younger wouldn't;t be able to do through your cruel behavior but I just made it worse ran faster. Nell thank you for the good things you did for me and you know what they were. I will love you for ever Ed"

Then this is from about a month before....

"I'm going to bed early in simpathy with you. Nel. Nell. Nel. When we are
together we need to be together I want you to sleep but I want you next to me.
You need someone to show you your beauty. Wrong I know everyone you meet loves
you. I'm going to cry all night I'm so weepy now. My heart is breaking. I'm so
sad without you. Sleep tight my love remember I'm there for you"

and this

"I was more upset today then I've been in 100 years. I m a tough guy with most
everthing but not with you."

and finally

"I just walked out to the pool area. I'm so lonely here in our get away without
you I can stop crying Nel I'm a mess. Tears are running down my face. I love
you"

As time has gone by his emotions are not nearly as strong and it could be that ive thrown it in his face so many time he has resolved not to let them show anymore. I dont know that I care anymore. I want to survive and thats the mind set I have when Im not wishing I were on another chemical plane of reality.

A quarter or more into the bottle of patron.. thats was a little while ago, now more like half gone and on a green stick. This wont be an interesting night, Im sure I will just pass out. Again I refer to the comment about this being a dangerous situation for me. I need to motivated toward something, school is my main goal right now. Laughable considering the state im in now.

Some how I know im never going to get over this period in my life. Ive contemplated alot of things in this time, fear is the thing that holds me back in any decision I make. I truly feel I have nothing to live for anymore. Lindsy will be ok, she is much stronger than me, they both are. Lo obviously has no need for me and Ed will be fine. If no one needs me, I would just rather be where I belong.. with my parents. I miss them, I need them. Maybe im just not cut out for the world, I dont want to spend my life suffering. I cant shake the feeling that thats where I will end up, my destiny if you will. My heart is gone, what else is left?

Day and Night

Things are at somewhat of a standstill, with everything. Im finally away from all the sub, never going back there. Things have happened with Eds work, the company was sold and Ed is basically reduced to a consult to keep the important accounts that he has such rapport with, that they will likely find other options if he isnt part of the working relationship with the new company. One of the 3rd largest in the US. It is acknowledging without acknowledging that he is an asset to the company but without really giving him anything and taking his job and making it seem much less important,,, yet they want 100% account retention that basically rests on him and depends on whether he really gets the 2nd year of the contract. Its really messed up, I feel bad that a 30+ year career has come down this. Everything gone in the course of one conversation. No more responsibility like before, suddenly everything is new and alot depends on understanding that new role and mastering it before you really know what it is. That being said, thats what you get for making your entire life your work, when its gone, you are left holding onto strings and everything you sacrificed to get to where you were is still gone... youre not left with much. Everyone deals differently, some reinvent themselves, others cant take it. Im not sure where Ed falls but im leaning towards him reinventing himself... Unfortunetly its not just the work area of his life that needs revamping. We hardly talk anymore, its a relief while at the same time being a source of anxiety.

I need to get my shit together and get myself into a situation that im truly happy in. I truly miss Lo but if I really stop to think about it, im not sure what it is im missing. Im not sure if its the company, a true love, a soul mate, a best friend, a romantic notion of true love in my head? I know that I will base every person I ever come into a relationship with on her. At the same time she turned out to be everything that scared me and like the devil is somewhat of a fallen angel in my head and heart now. Everything she said she did the opposite of and in the end took the only thing sacred to me, trust, I trusted her implicitly and she knew that and counted on it in the end. She was the only one I have ever truly trusted and perhaps that is where my true lonliness comes from, not trusting anyone is being on your own, whether you are surrounded or not.

Ill never return to the path I just came from, the damage ive caused to others and the consequences thereof have been felt and are done. I wont further damage myself by playing with fire, but ive learned there is more than one way to light a fire and I need to be careful with matches as much as the fire they create. It seems like every turn I make right now has negativity attached to get by. Its a viscious cycle I really want to break. I should know by now how quickly something can turn on you, ive found that to be true with anything, people, pets, meds, drink, food... best friends, those who say they love you more than anything in the world, more than their life. Let me just say on that, I ve heard that more than once and yet still, here I am alone.... Ive made my mistakes, its hard for me to accept love will not forgive them all..

30-60 Days...

Ok, so now having been through the worst year of my life and on somewhat of a continuum from mediocre to worst still as a daily measure now. I thought that I made a life changing decision when I decided to get on the Sub, no other method worked for me. Not that I tried anything other than trying myself but still, I tried many ways myself. I have no desire to do anything I was doing before but im finding out now that even with a slow taper and going all the way down to crumbs... Im going to go through hell for at least a month to two months. Now I knew that there would be WDs with the sub and that was one of my reasonings for not going on it right away when I first heard of it...

As time went on, and at the same time it became apparent as I was losing everything that nothing was working as far as getting off, I still never really thought about going on it. Knowing what the WDs were for what I was already going through were enough to scare me away from just substituting. I finally heard of someone who had a habit close to me that took the sub for a week to get away from the other chain and was able to quit with no problem. Still not having really done alot of my own research I didnt really give any thought to the problem of RIDICULOUSLY LONG HALF LIFE. The combination of knowing someone who was able to jump off with no problem and knowing that this was my final chance for a lot of things, most importantly saving some shred of dignity (not sure I have accomplished that) I finally called the doc an made the appt as you know from previous posts. Now after having done alot more reasearch I realize that this could have been an even bigger mistake and now, when I really have no support as far as anyone being around or really having anyone to talk to, this may be the worst part of this horrific trip i've been on.

I planned right away to do less than what the doc prescribed and pretty much taper after a week. Still not fully comprehending how long the half life was, never actually having heard anyone give an exact number or range. I planned for only a week and ended up being on it for more like a week and a half to two weeks. I jumped off at I think a quarter of the 8mg so like 2 mg... I had no problem it seemed, I was still on the klonopin prescribed by the same doc. Also the greens.. thats it. The first few days were ok and then it seemed looking back that I just started to lose a little more energy and gain a little more restlessness every day. One day I was on the roof deck with a smoke and as I walked back into the house I realized I forgot something out where I was sitting. Literally I didn't think I would have the energy to walk back out to get it. I did due to the possibility of inclement weather, which is always a possibility here, but it took a ton of effort. By the time I got downstairs I crashed on the couch and felt like I couldn't breathe, giving myself a little panic attack. It passed eventually but that general feeling of exhaustion was always there and seemed to be getting worse. My anxiety was getting worse at the same time and being on my own that alone was/is terrifying. Sleep was difficult, I started taking advil PM but thought the antihistamine was messing with my legs which seemed to be getting worse. They generally ached and had that vaguely restless feeling that I have felt much worse but know so well. Not to mention depression and total lack of motivation, most likely related to my inability to sleep or get off the couch. If I had someone here a lot of things would be helped like the anxiety and depression and I would be forced to get off the couch (shred of dignity thing). Being completely isolated is definetly not a good idea when attempting a WD from anything or thereafter for that matter. Having some kind of constant support physically around, at least through the first 30-60 days I think is essential for moral support and general help when you cant pick yourself up off the floor. Not that its realistic just what I think is very important, personally.

Back to my point, if I have one.. So finally got to the no sleeping point and that too im sure contributed to the exhaustion. I was probably at two weeks at this point and then realized it may be the sub... I took a quarter and my hunch was right. My legs quieted down completely, the anxiety abated, I actually had some energy and motivation to get something important done. Most importantly, I was able to sleep with relative ease. I still didnt really attribute anything to sub WD, I thought I just stopped to soon and didnt give myself enough time to cleanse myself. Little did I know it was the opposite and it was the sub that stayed there forever.

Anyway this led me to do research about people getting off sub in earnst and thats when I learned of the ridiculous half life and the likliehood I had progressively felt like crap. Sub can stay in your system for up to 11 days and while you are WD during that period you really dont start a complete WD until possibly up till 11 days. That being said there are factors that lengthen or shorten that period and possibly severity of WD. Most of what I am reading about these incredibly long WD periods is from long time users, like two years or more. There is very little on those who were on sub for short periods. Plus there is a difference between suboxone and subutex that im sure makes a difference in time period too. I dont know if im on the good or bad side of that. Everyone had symptoms similar to mine and im sure would have only gotten more similar had I not reset that clock. So even though I was only on it for a limited amount of time, I know this is going to be a rotten WD. Im hoping that because I know what im going through this time and I was on it for such a short period of time, I will only have a couple weeks of hell before I start to feel better. From what I experienced and have experienced the WD is still nowhere near as bad as it could have been with the other, it just lasts forever. Im not sure whats worse now, the short period of severe hell I would have been in stopping the other or what im going through now with this. At least I knew what to expect for the most part with the other, this comes and goes after an acute period for who knows how long. Every individual is truly different with this, whereas most people know the length of time for the worst and be able to measure feeling better in days and not weeks like I am reading about sub. A week seems like an eternity, especially alone and having nothing going on, I cant imagine measuring 5-10% increments of feeling better by weeks and not days. Thats just one persons estimate and story but I like to prepare for the worst if I can so im just gonna take it as the baseline.

The worst part is that the stigma for me is still attached even with the sub which was another reason for jumping off so soon. What seemed like the solution, seems to me, and echoed by many others, may have just put off the solution. So I can only hope that I will be on the shorter and less severe end of this and do what I can to ease what I can. Im just waiting for the worst to start, probably not the best mindset but knowing how long this can take I know there is worse to come. I just want to come through this... I just want an end to this hell that has been my life for the last 1.5 years and generally the anxious depressed person ive been for the last 4 years.

"So sick and tired of being sick and tired"

Candle (sick and tired) by White Tie Affair... This is a perfect song for me right now.

I feel like Im being swallowed in by myself, im losing myself to the quiet and shame and sadness and inability to really wrap my head around anything right now except those feelings... I feel selfish in that I turn become lost in myself and shut everyone out, the isolation I feel on the inside becomes my hell on the outside. I cant help it, ive spent so much of my life doing it. I cant reach out, I feel so frozen and unsure. Where did I lose my confidence? I can pretend for only so long before I feel the anxiety and sadness grip me.

I havent talked to my family, im pretty sure my grandmother has disowned me for not calling in a couple months, I just cant face talking to her. It sounds crazy but the longer I didn't call her the harder it got to to call and when I called on her birthday she was very short and it was clear she was pissed. That kind of rejection right now is just more than I can handle.

LOL, I am listening to a Pitbull song thinking of a cheerleading routine to it. I hate cheerleading and it in no way is appropriate for the song. Sorry thats the greens talking.

At least I still have moments of humor I guess I have that to be thankful for... good note to end on. I need to start writing more often, Im suprised ive had the focus for the last few posts. I hope that is a sign of a general upward trend.... we'll see.

Seriously?!

Ugh... I feel like I've had it. Im struggling from day to day, hour to hour. Im so alone and this is really a time that I have needed support the most. I hate this feeling of never knowing when its going to end, having really no one to talk to about it or anything else for that matter and feeling so paralyzed with anxiety and depression. I need to get a job, I know that will help, but it could also hurt and the anxiety of the process of getting a job seems daunting. I need to be in a laid back place, make at least enough to save a bit and have understanding bosses. It would really really help if it was at least half way interesting too. I know thats going out on a limb but if im going to succeed I know at least part of the recipe.

Of course if I could focus for any length of time, that would be great too. I cant take my adderall for two reasons right now... soon to be three. First, not sure how it will interact with subutex and I dont want to put myself through a day of possible panic and hee bee jee bees in my legs to find out. Second, I have no insurance and the script is obviously very expensive... which brings me too my third soon to be reason. I only have one script in the pharmacy and I stopped seeing that doc when I went to MI to try to get clean. When I came back he didnt return the phone calls. I guess 4 months was a bit long for him to wait on a patient? Now I have to find a doc that isnt going to hassle me about prescribing the klonopin or adderall and if he would throw in a litle bit of xanax for breakthrough panic and not sleeping, that would be nice too... Luckily the sub doc is prescribing klonopin
and im just not filling the extra sub scripts so I have a little bit of time to find a psychiatrist that will treat... I was thinking about going back on the triavil because it worked so well for me before, but again, afraid of it interacting with any sub or sub withdrawals. Wouldnt hurt to have an appetite again either since that will help replenish and stock essentials for my brain to start getting back into some sort of normal chemical pattern, which I hope is still possible.

I hope im doing this the right way, there is a long list of things that still need to happen before I will really consider myself "living" i.e. friends, job, good relationship etc but there are alot of little things within myself that have to happen too before those big things are possible. Being able to make it through the day, go to bed at night, sleep through too the morning and wake up without feeling like crap is a good place to start. Obviously I will have to multi-task and work on the job and all the other stuff at the same time.

I just would like maybe a weekend of relief. Of feeling happy, of being able to just drift asleep when I want too, of not knowing any anxiety and everything being alright with the world, having someone that I love and truly enjoy to talk to and do just about anything with, there to bask in the glow of not having a worry for once.

I just need a break.

The End

Such mixed emotions, I am finally free from that devil on my shoulder and yet now I have to face the fact that im left with nothing. Ive lost my best friend, I am on my own and dont even know where to start. I guess I could look at it as a new lease on life but right now I know I still have alot of healing to do. Ive done this with no support and I know its made me a stronger and smarter person, I just wish I had someone to share that with. I've had a tough time with being alone all the time and the only human voices i've heard in almost a week are on the TV. I've takin to talkin to the cats. I don't know when I've ever been this alone, im trying to take what solace I can from what I have accomplished but its hard when the harshness of reality sets in. Im not meant to be alone like this, some people like to be alone and dont get me wrong I like my solace but I feel like im going crazy here. Any friends I have, are at least an hour away and its just as sad when I have to leave.

I know time will heal a lot but right now it hurts like hell to be in this situation, and i've never been one for patience. I need to find a good support system and try to find my true friends in life. It sucks to learn things the hard way but once you've learned the lesson all you have to do is go to bed and wake up and let the time pass hopefully healing a little bit everyday. Thats what im trying to do, I just want to get as much time between me and this situation as possible. I have a lot of choices to make and deciding to pry this devil off me was just the beginning in what I have a feeling is going to be a line of decisions that may or may not determine the course of my life, then again I guess every decision plays a part in what the course of the rest of your life will be. I've made a long string of bad decisions and im hoping that is the end of that streak and I can start getting some good Karma back.

The Beginning

Well finally being at the end of my rope, which I thought I was at before, I finally made an appt and went the 12 hours without and am now almost 3 days without that devil on my shoulder. In the process... I have lost nearly everything. I cant believe the end to this nightmare is almost here. I have lost so much but at the same time I have to say I learned alot about myself... Though it was a very tough lesson to learn and I obviously needed a blatant wake up call.

Lo packed all her stuff, mostly behind my back. One day it occurred to me that she moved out right in front of me and yet I barely saw it or comprehended it. I looked around and sure enough only the bare essentials were left. It all happened to so suddenly, though probably not for her. She was very secretive about it and never said a word. I slid back again and she couldnt take it anymore. The heart wrenching gut sickness I felt was enough to make me schedule and appt with the doc for the next day. It was not nearly as bad as I thought, I had taken xanax to help me be somewhat relaxed or at least tired when I went in. This proved to be a good strategy, though I was afraid I hadnt spent enough time without I had gone 12 hours and they only required 8. I had smoked also the night before and the combo of xanax and smoke were helping the mild symptoms I was feeling so even though I waited enough time in between seeing the doc and my last dose, I wasnt as sick as I could have been.

I had run out of my klonopin almost a week ago and thank god Dr. S prescribed that in combination with the other so that takes care of that other discomfort. Ive been doing really well so far and this is day 3 so I would think it will only start to get better from here. I know they recimmend at least 6 weeks but I really want to be off it in 2 weeks tops. I know the statistics but I also know my luck with tapering off something else that can be addictive. I dont want to hit that point. Im not worried about ever going back to this devil again. It took so much to get here and it was a painful and expensive process, there is no way im going back.

Will keep an update on progress

My Poem

I wonder do you feel as lonely as I do?

Does your heart beat in time with the rythum of mine
Do you feel as I do when ours hands entertwine?

I miss your touch, the fun we had
How can I sit here and feel so sad

The tears that fall hold so much sorrow,
Neither or us know the amount of tommorows

I feel it should rain and never stop,
Too match the pain thats in my heart.

Sleepless nights and mindless days,
feeling hurt in so many ways.
So much to say, so much left unspoken,
So much trust that was so easily broken,
you took my heart and broke it wide open.

All those times I fought for you,
so much you said that was untrue, guess im just annoying and not worth it to you.
You've said it so much why should I be suprised,
you never needed to say it when I could see it in your eyes.

I cry so much, not that you care,
you say you cry but mostly just stare.
You say you hurt so much but I just don;t see it,
I think you feel more like that song, just beat it.

All the times you're so hurtful and try and pass it off on me,
seems like an excuse fir what youre really starting to see.

Your calls mean nothing, I can already hear the sarcasm on rhe other end,
I know how you are, you dont break and you never bend.

I sit and I wonder what i've done thats so wrong, but I know it doesnt matter cause to you i've always been wrong.
One of the worst mistakes you've made in your life, I can almost garuntee you won't make this mistake twice.

Just anoother stupid girl, who doesnt see it your way.
Just another stupid girl that for you is just another stupid, wasted day.

No matter the hurt, I know you don't care,
just lay it on me and pretend that its fair.

Dont look at my phone or the messages you leave, so I can be hurt and you can be pleased.
What does it matter, you dont think I care, dont think I hurt, and donr see rhe tears.

Its been a couple years and all I do is suffer, im never right and you'd rather I suffer.
Im always so wrong and I should put up with it, as it is the pain I feel, its what I self inflict.

Over The Line

So I went to G's house to work on the survey thing for E's job, he decided that he was going to call G and find out what else needed to be done and what the next steps were. G said he didn't know when the next meeting was going to be taking place. G assumed that he was talking about the three of us, him and Sherri and I. So he said he didn't know, that nothing was planned and didn't mention the fact that I was coming down there or actually at the time, was on my way there. So E read into that and decided that I was lying to him. He called me and said that he was "chewing the fat" with G and that G never mentioned me coming down there or working on anything that had to do with the project. He said that it wasn't a good idea to be lying to him and that I set the ground rules or some sh*t like that. I was pissed that he would involve my friends in order for him to check on me.
So I went about my business, G, his roommate and I went to lunch, then to publix then we went back to his condo and started to work on the surveys. We went to a site aimed at designing surveys and started working on putting the survey together, had a little help from a survey that Barry was already doing on their food service. G wanted me to stay and said that I needed to relax but I already knew that E was going to be pissed because the last contact we had was the phone call about not lying to him. I finally extricated myself from the house and started for home.
When I got home, E was not home and I just changed into something more comfortable and turned on the TV. I'm not sure how much later he came home but when he did I could tell right away that something was not right. I went to go talk to him, saying his name as I went and he suddenly turned around and flipped out on me. He was saying that I was a liar and calling me every name in the book in the process, he proceeded to grab my throat, I guess to make his point better and get right in my face saying that I needed to get out of his house now. He pushed me face in a half smack, half punch and grabbed my throat at least two more times. He was absolutely crazy, I couldn't even believe he put his hands on me much less trying to ring my neck. I was in shock and couldn't do much to defend myself seeing as how he refused to believe me and was convinced that I could get anyone I could use as proof to lie to him and just tell him that i was there. I couldn't even get out of him what it was that I was supposedly lying about. He just kept saying I was a lying b*tch and whatever other names he could possibly say and getting in my face. He pushed me around a little bit after the choking and face hit. By that time though I was getting so angry I couldn't see straight. I couldn't believe this was happening and I really did absolutely nothing wrong. The one man I was suppose to trust in my life had just shattered that all to hell. Especially after the last couple weeks and the fights we had and the promises of not ever getting verbally abusive again. I should have known, especially with my background in psychology that eventually it would escalate and that he would never be able to change that many years of obviously getting what he wanted by acting like that.
Finally he said that I was lying about going to G's and that really I went to spend the day with Lo. Lo was in Orlando visiting with her new girlfriend K and had no idea what was going on. I couldn't believe that was what the whole thing was about, and there wasn't even any proof, only the fact that G didn't say that I was coming down there to work on the survey that day. When I first talked to him on the phone when he said it was a bad idea to lie to him, I thought he was pissed because he didn't think I was going there to work on the survey and that I was just going there to get away from him. I call G because I didn't know who else to call and he couldn't believe that this was happening. He told his roommate what happened then told me that I needed to get out of the house and call the cops and let them handle it. I don't know why I didn't, I guess because that's what E said to do too and I was thinking that he was going to be able to turn it around on me somehow. I hardly did any damage to him considering the size difference but I pushed him around too after he was done pushing me around. Mainly because i was so angry at what was going on. I tried calling Lo in the meantime but she didn't answer the phone. I spent a lot of time after that trying to convince him that I wasn't lying and that I was where I said I was, doing what I said I went there to do. He refused to accept anything I said and was acting completely irrationally. Insisting we were completely over and that he wasn't going to let anyone play him like he was stupid or take advantage of him like that. I didn't even know what to say, what could I say? I didn't do anything wrong and he didn't want any proof of that, not that he would have accepted it anyway.
It was a pretty vicious night I kept telling him how ridiculous it all was that he had no proof I did anything wrong and that his logic didn't even make sense. He seemed to calm down finally and though it had nothing to do with me and he was still convinced I was lying and still acting like he hated me it was at least better then the violence from before. Im sure by that time the alcohol was making him tired. He was going to leave and get coffee earlier but I took his glasses because I was so p*ssed at him so eventually he gave up and got ready for bed and turned off the light and got in bed telling me to leave him alone and go watch TV or something. I was done arguing with him and he obviously wasn't going to listen to anything I had enough of the whole fighting yelling and defending myself when it obviously wasn't working. Finally I left the stupid glasses and just walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me.
Eventually Lo came home and she took pictures of all the marks and the cut on my throat the chain I had been wearing left from him squuezing my neck so hard. We stayed up for awhile talking about everything and then got tired and we decided to go to bed. E came out not to long after and said something about going to sleep with my girlfriend so I went back in the room and started yelling at him and telling him what a piece of sh*t he was and how nothing made sense and I pointed out all the wrong things he had done to people and the life's he had messed up, how he wasn't even a real man because he had to hide behind his attitude and now his physical abuse. I just brought up anything and everything to make him feel as crappy as I did. I turned the room light on and told him there was no way he was getting any sleep tonight, I poured a little bit of water on his head to make my point. To my surprise the whole time I was bashing him he didn't say anything, he pretty much just listened, or pretended to anyway. Finally he said something that made me really upset and I dumped the whole bottle of water on his head and walked out of the room. He was getting up and changing when I walked out of the room and I just came out to the living room and just laid on the couch. After awhile E came out to the living room where I awake but suppose to be sleeping. He came out and asked if I was sleeping out there, I said this is where you told me to sleep. Finally he said come on, I really didn't know how to respond so I just grabbed my pillow and went into the bedroom. He was like a totally different person again, like he could not believe what he had done, I hardly knew what to say myself. He was almost acting like nothing had happened. It could have been the bottle of water i poured on his head. Im surprised he didn't flip out on me then. So I went in and asked what the hell happened and he just said he couldnt sleep without me. I ended up falling asleep and the next day he was apologetic and upset, brought me a card and flowers, saying if what I said was true he was completely in the wrong, to which I said he was completely in the wrong anyway. So that pretty much brings us to where we are now, he is upset about it, he says, but is not nearly as remorseful as I think he should be. Its only been a couple days, so I guess I will have to wait and see what happens. I know I shouldn't even be waiting, I should just take this as a big sign that things are never going to change and leave.

Its definitely given me a whole new perspective on abused women and why it is they stay with their abuser even though the obvious solution is to leave... I feel stupid for being in the situation when I used to criticize those in the same position im in now for not leaving... Completely different when the shoe is on the other foot.

Recovering?

Since ive gotten back to WPB things have gotten better rather than worse like I thought. I finally stood up to E and told him his bullsh*t was just that, bullsh*t. I was sick of it and really what it boiled down to was emotional abuse. I finally called his bluff, something I should have done a long time ago but never got the guts to do so. I guess losing everything will give you a new perspective on things and a lack of fear in losing anything else. I was standoffish the whole time he was here and even though we still slept in the same bed there was nothing there but sleeping and I was fine with that. I stayed up late to watch TV or mess around on the computer, whatever I could but go to bed. I dont sleep well anyway so its not a stretch for me to stay up and out of the room. Lo helped me move the TV out of my room, actually turning the living room into a living room. This is actually the first time since the furniture was bought that ive actually used it. I brought the table down from upstairs and a side table to put my laptop on. Later I brought out another table/stand with a drawer and empty middle out from the sunroom so I could put my speaker system for the laptop and other random stuff on and in it. Its turned into a nice little space and its out of the bedroom which makes it a great little space. Ive been sleeping on the couch since he left and I sleep better out here then I ever have in there. Im up later but really the only reason is because I feel like im not going to get sh*t for it. I would stay up that late on the regular if I could but I feel like im going to get in trouble if im not in bed by a certain time. I guess I just sleep out here because its convienent. Ive been so tired lately so I could fall asleep around 11 and probably stay asleep all night but with Lo coming home late I tend to wake up then and stay up for a little while before passing out again. I dont sleep any later than 10, 1030 at the latest even though I usually dont go to sleep until around 2 or so.
He is coming back tonight, I am really not looking forward to it and I just hope it doesnt through off any progress ive made so far. The blue devil, ever present has at least been at a consistent level and im making that move to bring it down more. I cant believe ive managed to quit everything except that. Im still on the klonopin, which is prescribed and ive been on for a few years now but thats it. Trees are definetely something I never thought I would be able to quit and that seems like a breeze compared to this. Then again there isnt any physical pain or discomfort from quiting that, unless you count the lack of appetite. Thats going to be a problem once I start taking my adderall again too, Im going to have to do something to eat or ill be way to thin again before I know it. I need to start taking my adderall again. Even though I have health insurance though, it isnt great and it will still be a very expensive script. Its hard to cover that and the blue devils. Im not getting anything done though and I need to get moving before I get back into the same pattern I was in before I left here. I am doing some work for E's company, just some survey stuff to help them get a foot in at Barry for food service. Im really more of a "middle man" so they can get to a friend of mine who is still working on the campus and an alumni. I dont really think there is a large potential to make any money there, but I suppose anything is experience and that cant hurt.
Garrett texted me tonight and asked what I was doing later or tomm, it would be nice to just get away from here. I guess I can get away with that seeing as how we are suppose to be working on this project together. I told him about Lo and K and he seemed a little surprised but thought that she would be good for her. I guess so but I think for the wrong reasons. He said because she is mothering like, a very good insight considering the way her mother is. I always thought she was very cold and treated Lo like more of a student then her child but I can see where Lo gets very impatient with her mother and can be frustrating too. Too her credit she has relaxed alot in her old age and seems more caring then I have seen her in the whole time that I have known Lo. Not a good reason to be with someone and can lead to disaster... I know that firsthand with what I have been through with E. Not a good place to be for sure and easy to get caught up in. Its difficult to be in a relationship where someone else has an upper hand age wise. Its easy to feel like you are being scolded and you are doing something wrong, like a kid hence the problem with age difference thing. If they have been talking a lot, I haven't noticed it. Whenever she is texting or talking to someone, she always says its someone else. I never ask but she offers it up which is what makes me think she isnt telling the truth.
An old friend from college, one of my best friends emailed me back yesterday too and said that she was here for me and we could meet up and talk, ended it with love you and miss you. I thought that was strange just because of the type of relationship we had and the lack of relationship we have had for so long. I can remember staying up all night talking about anything and everything when we were in school. She knows nothing about whats going on and only knows about E, which sruprised her and she is one of the few people, friend wise, that do know about it. Im surprised it never really changed her opinion about me, or if it did she never let on to it and she certainly isnt letting it effect her now. Either way I need to get as much support around me as I can, no matter whats gonna happen and just in case.

He will be here soon and already im anxious about it. I know I gotta be strong about this again for this next few days. Im not going to let it get me down again.

Sticks and Stones

Its been a tough road since my last post. I let my life be taken over by the sh*t that I knew was going to be a battle for me. It finally got to the point where I went down to three a day and even got down to 1 3/4 a day. Considering a couple weeks before that I was ten a day I made a huge jump. Then it kept going up whenever E came home. Eventually I tried even having him stay away for a couple weeks just so that I could try to get off without the potential trauma or fighting. We agreed not to talk for a couple weeks because things had gotten really hard for us, especially with these blue fairys in the way. In the end, that didnt work either and I just kept getting thinner and thinner, not eating and barely drinking and working myself to the point that eventually is was in my room all the time. Finally decided what I needed to do was come home to get away and try to get off. Lo sent me packages so that I could try to ween off and I went to my sisters to try and do it cause it was quieter and no drama. Then a friend of hers came up from Georgia with baby daddy drama, as my sister puts it, and it was all over from there, between her drama and her annoying ass kid, I wasnt able to come back down. I finally decided id been up here long enough and it was time to go home. Within days of me getting ready to go home I get the shock of my life. I had felt that Lo and I had grown apart in the last few days especially and I brought it up, she said is was nothing just missing me so much and working alot on top of that.
Ive finally lost all I have in this not so long battle with the devil on my shoulder. It has taken all that is important to me and now finally the person I love most in the world.
Ive always drempt about things happening and when I remember them so clearly they usually end up happening. I used to have these dreams in college about Lo leaving me. It was so much more practical then because it was a relationship we had just started but I was always reassured and eventually as time went on it became an impossible thought as i listened to all the times that I will never leave you were said, that I couldnt do anything that would drive Lo away. We've been through hell together and always said if we could go through the things we have gone through, we could make it through anything. Apparently thats not the case.
I'd been feeling sick and anxious for the last five days or so had a few nightmares and hadnt been sleeping well at all. I remembered all the nightmares very clearly, and especially the last. I had a dream once again that Lo had left me, it was a strange dream but one with a clear point. I told her about the dream and she said wow that is a weird dream. Fast forward a couple days and I just feel like something is wrong. It was late at night and I couldnt get ahold of her, I was flipping out worrying that she didnt make it home from work safely or something crazy had happened. Then I finally asked her the question I thought would have an obvious answer... Is there someone else, she says no but someone has expressed interest. That didnt even really throw me off, then I started wondering who it was and she didnt want to tell me, saying that it didnt matter. I made two guesses and I was right on the last which blew me away, it was a friend of ours, someone we had gone to college with someone who lived in Orlando. Then she went on to say she wasnt sure she wanted to be with me anymore, which freaked me out, because even though we havent been together for the last 6 years, we have still had a closer than close relationship. I couldnt and still cant believe she was basically saying she didnt want to be with me anymore, which obviously meant have the same type of relationship anymore. She really doesnt even want to live with me anymore, even though she says she still wants to be best friends and she still loves me and that she will see me through this blue devil issue, which by the way has sky-rocketed with everything that has gone on.
Then comes E and I tell him im sick of the in and out, that it hurts so much when he leaves because I do love him, I just dont know where he falls with everything else. He says that I need to be strong and that I wont be alone as much as I think because he is going to unravel things quickly and try to be in FL. For a few days we had been talking about it and we both had our turns sobbing over the phone. I didnt know how I was gonna juggle him not being there and Retta not wanting to be there. So my sis starts talking to E and telling him that I just cant deal with the in and out and that he needs to give me some time to get on my feet before he starts doing that to me again. He ended up getting pissed because she mentioned me talking to Lo and I had already told him when he said that i wouldnt be alone that Lo was leaving and that i was going to be alone. Something my sister said just made that change and made him think it was about her. Which really made no sense because then I would just take the ways out he has given me. He offered to put me up in an apt so i could get back on my feet and figure shit out. I never really talked to him, she did and then I had to practically beg for him to call me since I need to pay my cell bill and couldnt just call him. He has made all kinds of threats, told her that I was NOT coming home and then wanted me to move my flight from tomm to next week when he would be gone so that I could go back and figure shit out with Lo. Ive been up here long enough though and being up here def hasnt helped my situation with Lo. I just know I cant stay away and try to deal with things up here, its easy to hang up a phone or not even answer and you can always sign off or not sign in, or just put up an away message and ignore IMs. If I had agreed to wait he would have just used that against me too, so really it was a no win as far as pissing him off.

E tried telling me I wouldnt get in that house, that he would have it locked down before I ever got near it but first of all he thought my flight was a day later and second he doesnt know that the door handle on our bedroom door was changed a long time ago and im the only one with keys, to both the door and the deadbolt. I told him by law he cant keep me out because after two weeks, whether I pay or not im considered a tenant and he has to go through land lord court to get me evicted and even then I would have 30 days. On top of that, if we got in a fight and Lo were to lets say call the police, they would make him leave because in domestic disputes, its the man they make leave the house. He said fine ill see your dead ass in court and by the time im done, you wont live anywhere in FL. I dont know who he thinks he has pull with but really I think he is kidding himself. He tried saying no sheriff in Florida would come near that house. What a joke. Apparently he isnt realizing how much damage I could do to him. I could call his wife, I could call his job and all his accounts and tell them they should question the integrity of someone who makes threats like that and is dating someone 30 years his junior when he has been married for as long. There is just so much I could do that its not even funny, i think its him who doesnt know who hes messing with.

When I finally talked to him tonight I thought i had gotten through to him about loving him and it not being about Lo, he said I love you whatever. Then when he said goodnight, he was like goodnight buddy, then next IM was I do love you travel well and asking if i had a working phone, but by the time he was on his last text it was when you land use your girlfriends phone and call me. He knew it would get under my skin, just as much as the goodnight buddy did.

So thats where im left, with no idea what tommorow will bring and no idea where I will be sleeping tommorrow night. Im at a scary point in life and unfortunetly all I can do is take it as it comes and deal with it from there. Nothing is a garuntee, not even the person I thought would always be there for me. Ive been completely knocked down and all I can do is react to things, im trying to be as proactive as possible but theres not much I can do when its his house and I only have so much money to my name, I doubt he will be giving me anymore. Ive emailed my two closest friends over the years, besides Lo and all I can hope for is there support and help as well. I already talked to Erik and he said he would be there for me over the rocky times, so at least I have one person... I will try to post an update as soon as I can. Its an hour and 45 min before I have to get up for my early ass flight so its off to try to get some sleep. At least being so emotionally exhausted ive been able to do some of that. I passed out earlier knowing I need to pack and get ready and I still cant take everything... Oh well. Im losing everything, why not some material sh*t too.