Im flying up to MI today with Ed, I am terrified because of a dream I had that I would die in a plane crash in water. I started taking my adderall again yesterday and I hadn't really thought about the fact that its going to add to my anxiety today. Oh well, Live and learn. I found this when I was looking up fear of flying... Gives you a different point of view...
"He was a successful man who through hard work and perseverance built up his own business. His wife, too, owned her business. They had two fine children.
He traveled frequently, and because of an odd premonition that he would someday die in an airplane crash, he refused to fly. For shorter trips he drove his car. For longer trips, he took trains, and even boats, to his destinations.
One spring night a pilot of a small plane experienced a complete engine failure. On top of that, he lost his electrical system, and with it, the use of his radio and navigation instruments. Mist filled the sky. The moon had not yet risen. The plane went down helplessly and blindly in the darkness.
Though injured, the pilot survived the crash. He still cannot remember anything that happened as the plane struck the ground and plowed into a motel just outside of a large town. There was only one casualty: a man sleeping safely in the bed of his motel room. On that sad night, that man’s life-long premonition that he would someday die in an airplane crash found its conclusion."
I know, I know, you are way more likely to die in a car crash and seeing as how I live in South Florida, Im much more likely to die in a car crash.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
"Common Symptoms of Adult ADD
Common Symptoms of ADD in Adults
1. We are easily distracted and have difficulty paying attention. We have a tendency to tune out or drift away. For example, we might say:
It is a struggle for me to stay focused or centered. When I least expect it, my brain changes channels, and I respond to the beat of another drum.
Although I can hyperfocus a times, I am more often distracted, and have difficulty staying on target.
At times I feel scattered and confused, like iron shavings attracted by competing magnetic fields.
I set out to clean the kitchen, and often find myself reading a cookbook and deciding to try a new recipe. I eventually finish the kitchen, but it takes me a while.
2. We are impulsive, and we make hasty decisions without considering the consequences. For example, we might say:
I make plans without consulting my family, and then wonder why they don't share my enthusiasm. I jump to conclusions before analyzing all the facts. This creates problems in my personal and business life. I make decisions, commitments, purchases, even major life changes without adequately considering the consequences. I buy things I don't need, and then wonder where all my money went. The worst part is having to justify my actions.
3. We are restless, often hyperactive, and full of nervous energy. For example, we might say:
I usually feel edgy and am always "on the go." My insides are constantly churning. I drum my fingers, twist my hair, pace, shift positions while seated, or leave the room frequently. I'm always looking for a way to release my excess energy. I channel-surf with the TV remote control and find it hard to relax. I am an aggressive driver and love to weave in and out of traffic. My favorite game is looking for "hole shots" and creating my own car race.
4. We have a strong sense of underachievement and always feel that we fail to live up to our potential. For example, we might say:
Whether I am highly accomplished or floundering, I feel incapable of realizing my true potential. I feel like a failure and view success as something that only others achieve. In spite of my accomplishments and a satisfying relationship, I find it difficult to feel happy and fulfilled. In school I was called an underachiever, and that message still affects me today. I tend to be critical of my performance, even if others compliment me for a job well done.
5. We have difficulty in relationships. For example, we might say:
My inability to stay focused in the present moment gives others the impression that I don't care. I get bored easily and have a hard time listening to others. I feel uncomfortable in group activities where social interaction is required. I prefer not to be noticed, because I'm afraid I will say the wrong thing. Sometimes I forget to say hello or goodbye, and others accuse me of being rude.
6. We are procrastinators and have trouble getting started or feeling motivated. For example, we might say:
I put things off until the last minute, but the last-minute adrenaline rush makes the task possible, more interesting, and stimulating. I use deadlines as a way to create panic and chaos. This enables me to hyperfocus, so that I can complete the task on time. I allow piles of work to accumulate because I can't get organized. Only in times of hyperfocus can I actually get something accomplished. I'm inclined to start a project the night before it is due, stay up all night to finish it, and be totally burned out the next day.
7. We cannot tolerate boredom and are always looking for something to do. For example, we might say:
I become bored with activities, conversations and situations that do not interest me. I'm always looking for highly stimulating activities that keep my adrenaline flowing. When I sense boredom approaching, I look for something new and stimulating, rather than accept the idea of being bored. All of my waking moments need to be filled with something to do or something to think about. I cannot risk the possibility of having nothing to do.
8. We have difficulty getting organized. For example, we might say:
I have organizational plans, to-do lists, schedules and resolutions, but still end up with piles on my desk, missed appointments and unanswered phone calls. I have difficulty managing my time effectively. I am often late for meetings, and I lose track of everything from keys to commitments. I often feel out of control and confused because I don't know how to organize my time and activities. My kids do a better job of organizing than I do. I do better when others remind me of appointments and give me direction and structure.
9. We are impatient and have a low tolerance for frustration. For example, we might say:
I become impatient when things don't happen fast enough for me. I have a tendency to withdraw or react in anger. I like to know the bottom line without having to listen to all the details that I consider unimportant. If a line is held up because of coupons, price checks or check cashing, I get impatient and want to lash out at the person creating the delay. I don't like waiting for people or dealing with people's problems.
10. We have mood swings with periods of anxiety, depression or loneliness. For example, we might say:
Periods of depression affect my work, relationships and perception of reality. I sometimes withdraw and isolate myself. A simple setback can bring on feelings of overwhelming hopelessness for me. My moods are unpredictable and can cause me to be either verbally and physically active or quiet and inactive. In the midst of a seemingly endless stream of thoughts, a memory of past failure or loss can submerge my mood instantly.
11. We worry excessively and often have a sense of impending doom. For example, we might say:
Within minutes after awakening or after arriving at work, I seem to search my mind for a topic to worry about. I use worry as a way to stay focused. It's like cutting my finger; all my attention can be in one place. A feeling of impending doom seems to hover over me. I worry constantly about my health. I fear that I'm too fat, too thin, or have some fatal or debilitating disease.
12. We have trouble going through established channels or following proper procedures. For example, we might say:
I am a maverick at heart and do not like to follow rules or go through proper channels to complete a task. I tend to be critical of those in charge, and prefer being free to do things my own way. I feel smothered by procedures, policies, and being directed by others. Being required to conform stifles my productivity. I have a hard time teaching my children to respect authority and follow the rules, because I have a hard time doing those things myself.
13. We have many projects going simultaneously, and have trouble following through with a project or task. For example, we might say:
I assume responsibility for more projects than I can realistically accomplish. I lose interest quickly and have difficulty completing one task before starting a new one. I prefer simple tasks that I can complete before I get an urge to start another one. I am capable of juggling lots of projects or commitments at the same time, but it creates anxiety and pressure for me.
14. We are poor observers of ourselves and are often unaware of our effect on others. For example, we might say:
I have difficulty discerning how others perceive me. I rarely pick up the signals that indicate how well I am being received or if I'm talking too much. I tend to monopolize a conversation without knowing it. My friends tell me I talk too much about myself and don't give them a chance to share their story. I often exaggerate a story to make my point, and don't notice that others don't believe me. At work I think others agree with me. In reality they are confused by my "idea-a-minute" mentality.
15. We tend to say what comes to mind without considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark. For example, we might say:
I blurt out inappropriate comments without considering the possible consequences. Later, when I take time to reflect on what I said, I beat myself up for saying something so stupid. I have a hard time waiting my turn in conversations, and I interrupt others while they are talking. I speak out of turn in meetings. This makes people angry, and I often lose the main point of the meeting or lose the respect of those present. I have a reputation for making one-liner comments that hurt people's feelings.
16. We have a tendency toward addictive behavior, and use mood-altering substances to medicate ourselves. For example, we might say:
I use cocaine to help me focus, alcohol or marijuana to calm me down, and food to comfort me. I take prescription drugs as a way to speed up or slow down, depending on my needs of the moment. I use coffee and cigarettes to keep me energized and to numb my feelings. I use work to give me focus, motivation, and a sense of accomplishment. At times I use it as a way to avoid boredom.
17. We have difficulty in the workplace. We either change jobs frequently or have trouble getting along with our coworkers. For example, we might say:
I become bored with a job and cannot convince myself to stay, even though my financial security is at stake. I assume too much responsibility or take on too many tasks, and then cannot fulfill my obligations. I change my mind frequently and create confusion among my coworkers. I waste time and resources on insignificant projects and spend time on things that keep my interest but have little value to the overall scheme of things.
Adapted from The Twelve Steps: A Key to Living With Attention Deficit Disorder (Friends in Recovery, RPI Publishing Inc
1. We are easily distracted and have difficulty paying attention. We have a tendency to tune out or drift away. For example, we might say:
It is a struggle for me to stay focused or centered. When I least expect it, my brain changes channels, and I respond to the beat of another drum.
Although I can hyperfocus a times, I am more often distracted, and have difficulty staying on target.
At times I feel scattered and confused, like iron shavings attracted by competing magnetic fields.
I set out to clean the kitchen, and often find myself reading a cookbook and deciding to try a new recipe. I eventually finish the kitchen, but it takes me a while.
2. We are impulsive, and we make hasty decisions without considering the consequences. For example, we might say:
I make plans without consulting my family, and then wonder why they don't share my enthusiasm. I jump to conclusions before analyzing all the facts. This creates problems in my personal and business life. I make decisions, commitments, purchases, even major life changes without adequately considering the consequences. I buy things I don't need, and then wonder where all my money went. The worst part is having to justify my actions.
3. We are restless, often hyperactive, and full of nervous energy. For example, we might say:
I usually feel edgy and am always "on the go." My insides are constantly churning. I drum my fingers, twist my hair, pace, shift positions while seated, or leave the room frequently. I'm always looking for a way to release my excess energy. I channel-surf with the TV remote control and find it hard to relax. I am an aggressive driver and love to weave in and out of traffic. My favorite game is looking for "hole shots" and creating my own car race.
4. We have a strong sense of underachievement and always feel that we fail to live up to our potential. For example, we might say:
Whether I am highly accomplished or floundering, I feel incapable of realizing my true potential. I feel like a failure and view success as something that only others achieve. In spite of my accomplishments and a satisfying relationship, I find it difficult to feel happy and fulfilled. In school I was called an underachiever, and that message still affects me today. I tend to be critical of my performance, even if others compliment me for a job well done.
5. We have difficulty in relationships. For example, we might say:
My inability to stay focused in the present moment gives others the impression that I don't care. I get bored easily and have a hard time listening to others. I feel uncomfortable in group activities where social interaction is required. I prefer not to be noticed, because I'm afraid I will say the wrong thing. Sometimes I forget to say hello or goodbye, and others accuse me of being rude.
6. We are procrastinators and have trouble getting started or feeling motivated. For example, we might say:
I put things off until the last minute, but the last-minute adrenaline rush makes the task possible, more interesting, and stimulating. I use deadlines as a way to create panic and chaos. This enables me to hyperfocus, so that I can complete the task on time. I allow piles of work to accumulate because I can't get organized. Only in times of hyperfocus can I actually get something accomplished. I'm inclined to start a project the night before it is due, stay up all night to finish it, and be totally burned out the next day.
7. We cannot tolerate boredom and are always looking for something to do. For example, we might say:
I become bored with activities, conversations and situations that do not interest me. I'm always looking for highly stimulating activities that keep my adrenaline flowing. When I sense boredom approaching, I look for something new and stimulating, rather than accept the idea of being bored. All of my waking moments need to be filled with something to do or something to think about. I cannot risk the possibility of having nothing to do.
8. We have difficulty getting organized. For example, we might say:
I have organizational plans, to-do lists, schedules and resolutions, but still end up with piles on my desk, missed appointments and unanswered phone calls. I have difficulty managing my time effectively. I am often late for meetings, and I lose track of everything from keys to commitments. I often feel out of control and confused because I don't know how to organize my time and activities. My kids do a better job of organizing than I do. I do better when others remind me of appointments and give me direction and structure.
9. We are impatient and have a low tolerance for frustration. For example, we might say:
I become impatient when things don't happen fast enough for me. I have a tendency to withdraw or react in anger. I like to know the bottom line without having to listen to all the details that I consider unimportant. If a line is held up because of coupons, price checks or check cashing, I get impatient and want to lash out at the person creating the delay. I don't like waiting for people or dealing with people's problems.
10. We have mood swings with periods of anxiety, depression or loneliness. For example, we might say:
Periods of depression affect my work, relationships and perception of reality. I sometimes withdraw and isolate myself. A simple setback can bring on feelings of overwhelming hopelessness for me. My moods are unpredictable and can cause me to be either verbally and physically active or quiet and inactive. In the midst of a seemingly endless stream of thoughts, a memory of past failure or loss can submerge my mood instantly.
11. We worry excessively and often have a sense of impending doom. For example, we might say:
Within minutes after awakening or after arriving at work, I seem to search my mind for a topic to worry about. I use worry as a way to stay focused. It's like cutting my finger; all my attention can be in one place. A feeling of impending doom seems to hover over me. I worry constantly about my health. I fear that I'm too fat, too thin, or have some fatal or debilitating disease.
12. We have trouble going through established channels or following proper procedures. For example, we might say:
I am a maverick at heart and do not like to follow rules or go through proper channels to complete a task. I tend to be critical of those in charge, and prefer being free to do things my own way. I feel smothered by procedures, policies, and being directed by others. Being required to conform stifles my productivity. I have a hard time teaching my children to respect authority and follow the rules, because I have a hard time doing those things myself.
13. We have many projects going simultaneously, and have trouble following through with a project or task. For example, we might say:
I assume responsibility for more projects than I can realistically accomplish. I lose interest quickly and have difficulty completing one task before starting a new one. I prefer simple tasks that I can complete before I get an urge to start another one. I am capable of juggling lots of projects or commitments at the same time, but it creates anxiety and pressure for me.
14. We are poor observers of ourselves and are often unaware of our effect on others. For example, we might say:
I have difficulty discerning how others perceive me. I rarely pick up the signals that indicate how well I am being received or if I'm talking too much. I tend to monopolize a conversation without knowing it. My friends tell me I talk too much about myself and don't give them a chance to share their story. I often exaggerate a story to make my point, and don't notice that others don't believe me. At work I think others agree with me. In reality they are confused by my "idea-a-minute" mentality.
15. We tend to say what comes to mind without considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark. For example, we might say:
I blurt out inappropriate comments without considering the possible consequences. Later, when I take time to reflect on what I said, I beat myself up for saying something so stupid. I have a hard time waiting my turn in conversations, and I interrupt others while they are talking. I speak out of turn in meetings. This makes people angry, and I often lose the main point of the meeting or lose the respect of those present. I have a reputation for making one-liner comments that hurt people's feelings.
16. We have a tendency toward addictive behavior, and use mood-altering substances to medicate ourselves. For example, we might say:
I use cocaine to help me focus, alcohol or marijuana to calm me down, and food to comfort me. I take prescription drugs as a way to speed up or slow down, depending on my needs of the moment. I use coffee and cigarettes to keep me energized and to numb my feelings. I use work to give me focus, motivation, and a sense of accomplishment. At times I use it as a way to avoid boredom.
17. We have difficulty in the workplace. We either change jobs frequently or have trouble getting along with our coworkers. For example, we might say:
I become bored with a job and cannot convince myself to stay, even though my financial security is at stake. I assume too much responsibility or take on too many tasks, and then cannot fulfill my obligations. I change my mind frequently and create confusion among my coworkers. I waste time and resources on insignificant projects and spend time on things that keep my interest but have little value to the overall scheme of things.
Adapted from The Twelve Steps: A Key to Living With Attention Deficit Disorder (Friends in Recovery, RPI Publishing Inc
Monday, December 24, 2007
You Know You Have ADD When...
-You know you have ADD when...you have mastered the art of making piles
-You know you have ADD when...you're reading a web page about ADD, but you can't focus long enough to read what it says!
-you find your keys on the lawn when the snow melts
-You know you have ADD when...you have replaced the entire contents of your wallet at least twice
-You know you have ADD when...you're adding submissions instead of doing your research
-You know you have ADD when...You know you have ADD when you have misplace your coffee three times in the same morning, and each time its in a different cup.
-You know you have ADD when...you lose your glasses...and they were on your face the entire time.
-You know you have ADD when...When...wait. What was I writing about again?
-You know you have ADD when...you can talk to someone for 15 minutes and not remember what the other person said, let alone what you said.
-You know you have ADD when...you went to college four times, had seven majors, and have no degree because you never finished!
-You know you have ADD when...you are channel-sufring on TV, with an open book on your lap that you are highlighting in two colors while listening to music, playing with the cat and talking on the phone, when your partner enters the room to ask a question and you get annoyed at the interruption!
-You know you have ADD when...your IQ is 100 time greater then your attention span
-You know you have ADD when...you can't organize your own stuff, but it makes you crazy to be around other people's chaos and messy disorganization.
-You know you have ADD when...you are only attracted to those loud "alpha-males" with so much charisma, but you can't stay with them 'cause you both need a wife to pick up the loose ends so you keep breaking up and getting into the same scene again.
-You know you have ADD when...You have 3000 bookmarks in your browser.
-You know you have ADD when...you try to fix one line in a program and end up redesigning the whole system.
-You know you have ADD when...you realize the dinner you put in the microwave yesterday must be done by now.
-You know you have ADD when...You read all these unfortunate behaviors and realize they describe you
-You know you have ADD when...everyone driving too slow is a slug, and everyone driving faster than you is an idiot!
-You know you have ADD when...you have pleanty of great ideas, and no motivation to do anything with them.
-You know you have ADD when...you own a timer, a pocket organizer, and a note pad, but not really sure where there at.
-You know you have ADD when...someone just gave you a phone number 5 times, but as soon as you pick up the handset, you dont know what to dial.
-You know you have ADD when...you have to check back to the phone book a thousand times before you sucessfully dial the correct number.
-You know you have ADD when...you ask the same thing 3 time in an hour because your not sure if you ever asked the question.
-You know you have ADD when...suddenly you realize somebody has been talking to you and you don't have a clue what they said.
-You know you have ADD when...you're introduced to a person and you forget their name before the handshake is over
-You know you have ADD when...you have more books than the local library, you haven't read many of them, yet you still spend more money on them than on food.
-You know you have ADD when...most ( if not all) of your mail is still unopened...
-You know you have ADD when...You hide your dirty dishes in the oven from unexpected guests and then melt them the next day when you preheat the oven for cookies!
-You know you have ADD when...You watch a terrific movie, but the next day you cant even remeber what it was about....or who played in it....
-
-You know you have ADD when...you're reading a web page about ADD, but you can't focus long enough to read what it says!
-you find your keys on the lawn when the snow melts
-You know you have ADD when...you have replaced the entire contents of your wallet at least twice
-You know you have ADD when...you're adding submissions instead of doing your research
-You know you have ADD when...You know you have ADD when you have misplace your coffee three times in the same morning, and each time its in a different cup.
-You know you have ADD when...you lose your glasses...and they were on your face the entire time.
-You know you have ADD when...When...wait. What was I writing about again?
-You know you have ADD when...you can talk to someone for 15 minutes and not remember what the other person said, let alone what you said.
-You know you have ADD when...you went to college four times, had seven majors, and have no degree because you never finished!
-You know you have ADD when...you are channel-sufring on TV, with an open book on your lap that you are highlighting in two colors while listening to music, playing with the cat and talking on the phone, when your partner enters the room to ask a question and you get annoyed at the interruption!
-You know you have ADD when...your IQ is 100 time greater then your attention span
-You know you have ADD when...you can't organize your own stuff, but it makes you crazy to be around other people's chaos and messy disorganization.
-You know you have ADD when...you are only attracted to those loud "alpha-males" with so much charisma, but you can't stay with them 'cause you both need a wife to pick up the loose ends so you keep breaking up and getting into the same scene again.
-You know you have ADD when...You have 3000 bookmarks in your browser.
-You know you have ADD when...you try to fix one line in a program and end up redesigning the whole system.
-You know you have ADD when...you realize the dinner you put in the microwave yesterday must be done by now.
-You know you have ADD when...You read all these unfortunate behaviors and realize they describe you
-You know you have ADD when...everyone driving too slow is a slug, and everyone driving faster than you is an idiot!
-You know you have ADD when...you have pleanty of great ideas, and no motivation to do anything with them.
-You know you have ADD when...you own a timer, a pocket organizer, and a note pad, but not really sure where there at.
-You know you have ADD when...someone just gave you a phone number 5 times, but as soon as you pick up the handset, you dont know what to dial.
-You know you have ADD when...you have to check back to the phone book a thousand times before you sucessfully dial the correct number.
-You know you have ADD when...you ask the same thing 3 time in an hour because your not sure if you ever asked the question.
-You know you have ADD when...suddenly you realize somebody has been talking to you and you don't have a clue what they said.
-You know you have ADD when...you're introduced to a person and you forget their name before the handshake is over
-You know you have ADD when...you have more books than the local library, you haven't read many of them, yet you still spend more money on them than on food.
-You know you have ADD when...most ( if not all) of your mail is still unopened...
-You know you have ADD when...You hide your dirty dishes in the oven from unexpected guests and then melt them the next day when you preheat the oven for cookies!
-You know you have ADD when...You watch a terrific movie, but the next day you cant even remeber what it was about....or who played in it....
-
Hmmm...
Why Do I Love This Person?: Understanding Your Motivation in Relationships
Published by info June 27th, 2007 in Relationships.
"As a psychotherapist specializing in couples and marital therapy, one of the first things I ask is “What do you love about one another?” If the answers indicate little depth, serious trouble is indicated. Replies such “because she’s pretty,” “he’s fun to be with,” are troubling signs, indicating surface attraction. Once, to my horror, a client replied “Because we like the same kind of pizza.” Needless to say, this is not a foundation for a long lasting relationship!
All of this begs many questions: Do we truly love someone or simply what they do for us? Without question, we all know that money and wealth can be insidious manipulators in any union. So how does a relationship evolve from the meeting of facile needs to a stable, committed, companionship? Happily, after considerable introspection, many couples are able to identify their attraction to positive partner qualities such as compassion, intelligence, and an ability and willingness to communicate effectively. After all, if we cannot speak openly with our partners, what hope do we have? Perhaps more important, self-aware couples are able to recognize areas for potential growth, and develop a plan to jointly work on their relationship.
While some, especially new, couples may view such questioning as cynically casting doubt upon their whirlwind romance, nonetheless this type of critical self-reflection is vital in determining ultimate compatibility. Indeed, a little work now could save a lot of heartache later.
Action For The Day: After reading this article, perform a critical self-assessment in order to determine both you and your partner’s motivation for continuing your relationship."
About The Author
Emily Kensington is a psychotherapist specializing in couples and marital therapy. Her website is http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com.
Copyright 2007. Reprint permission granted ONLY if author’s link, name, and credit included.
Published by info June 27th, 2007 in Relationships.
"As a psychotherapist specializing in couples and marital therapy, one of the first things I ask is “What do you love about one another?” If the answers indicate little depth, serious trouble is indicated. Replies such “because she’s pretty,” “he’s fun to be with,” are troubling signs, indicating surface attraction. Once, to my horror, a client replied “Because we like the same kind of pizza.” Needless to say, this is not a foundation for a long lasting relationship!
All of this begs many questions: Do we truly love someone or simply what they do for us? Without question, we all know that money and wealth can be insidious manipulators in any union. So how does a relationship evolve from the meeting of facile needs to a stable, committed, companionship? Happily, after considerable introspection, many couples are able to identify their attraction to positive partner qualities such as compassion, intelligence, and an ability and willingness to communicate effectively. After all, if we cannot speak openly with our partners, what hope do we have? Perhaps more important, self-aware couples are able to recognize areas for potential growth, and develop a plan to jointly work on their relationship.
While some, especially new, couples may view such questioning as cynically casting doubt upon their whirlwind romance, nonetheless this type of critical self-reflection is vital in determining ultimate compatibility. Indeed, a little work now could save a lot of heartache later.
Action For The Day: After reading this article, perform a critical self-assessment in order to determine both you and your partner’s motivation for continuing your relationship."
About The Author
Emily Kensington is a psychotherapist specializing in couples and marital therapy. Her website is http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com.
Copyright 2007. Reprint permission granted ONLY if author’s link, name, and credit included.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Christmas is almost here
Two more days till Ed goes home, he hasnt been here much in the day but we have been together every night. I have no idea where we are and from my point of view things are just a little different, im not sure if in a good way or bad. The whole family christmas thing is not going to work out and I should be upset about it but im really not. He put it off till the last minute and now its just not going to happen, coordinating flights this late is nearly impossible. I dont know if I should just go without him or what but I cant imagine spending all that time there by myself. Lo has to be back to work two days after christmas I think, the problem was we couldnt get a flight out until christmas day cause she had to work the day before.
The other side of that was that really the whole reason we were trying to coordinate it is because I dont want to fly and I definetely dont want to fly alone. Grandmas gonna be pissed im sure, I will have to make up something good to make up for this one. Ed said we could take a few days in the next couple weeks and go but I doubt that would end up happening either. I cant believe how much of a let down he can be sometimes. He keeps asking Lo what to get me for christmas but I really dont want anything. I want to be able to get things for at least Lo and my sisters. Plus I cant get him anything so it would just make me feel worse if he got something for me. I just want to be able to cover everything right now, I hate that feeling of scraping.
I hate the holidays
The other side of that was that really the whole reason we were trying to coordinate it is because I dont want to fly and I definetely dont want to fly alone. Grandmas gonna be pissed im sure, I will have to make up something good to make up for this one. Ed said we could take a few days in the next couple weeks and go but I doubt that would end up happening either. I cant believe how much of a let down he can be sometimes. He keeps asking Lo what to get me for christmas but I really dont want anything. I want to be able to get things for at least Lo and my sisters. Plus I cant get him anything so it would just make me feel worse if he got something for me. I just want to be able to cover everything right now, I hate that feeling of scraping.
I hate the holidays
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Here we sit
So I guess everything is ok with Ed now, we havent really talked things out but decided that the way we were acting was hurting us both. we went out to dinner tonight... I think we had some really good conversation. I think that we are both really unsure of what happens from here and now we have no direction. He is trying and so am I but then that ends up being the problem, that we both feel that we have to try so hard and then it just seems like the relationship is hard Eds thought was that we are trying to hard and thats why it seems so hard but I think he is wrong. I think its not working out is because niether of us is ready for what the other wants. How can we be so happy together but still not be able to get it right. He is about to leave for the next couple weeks too. We cant work out family Christmas so that we will be together and that really has more to do with me than him. I just dont want to fly by myself but it will be nearly impossible for him to fly from NY to FL to MI with me. We have checked all the airlines and it just wont work. We were going to have Lo fly with me from here to MI and then Ed meet me in MI and we fly back to FL together but we cant manage to work that out either.
It all seems so difficult and thats what it shouldnt seem by my point of view. Love shouldnt be this difficult, i know I have ideals but this isnt something that should have to fall into the ideal catagory in order to work.
He asked me what I want for X mas and all I really want is to be able to get everyone what they want. I told him that and he said that was fine so at least that will be out of the way. I dont know if he really understands that but he seemes like he did. I just want to get them something that they really want and not just something that they need. We went that route when we were kids, getting things because it was what we wanted and not necessarily what we need. I know Lindsy would rather have A DS then anything else. I should just give her mine since I never use it...
I think I am going to so phone cards and some essentials like a phone card and a bag of tobacco. I have no idea what to get Donny but I will call her before I get up there and see what I can do.
I am disappointed that Ed isnt going with me but more because he had all this time to do it and it came down to the 2 weeks before. I dont want to go by myself, it isnt just about the flying, it has to do with not going crazy without any company too. Ill die if I cant smoke and its much easier to get away when you have another excuse with you.
I was suppose to call her (grandma) on Friday too and I didnt. Im gonna hear about that later but I really just dont want to hear it. I know she will be happy to hear we are doing well but it all seems so fake. I cant believe that he is begging out of this, he had so much time to work it out and now it comes down to the end and I have no idea what I am going to do. I need to get out of a situation that I need to rely on Ed for cash and a place to stay. This is never going to feel comfortable until I can survive without him. Its never going to be equal and I think thats something that we both realize.
I tried to twll him tonight that he doesnt have to smoke with me if he doesnt want to and he wanted to know why I was telling him that and really it had nothing to do with anything excep feeling bad because I felt like I was pressuring him, even though Ive never asked him to do it.
I worry about his health and age to with the smoking and just because he hasnt in a long time... He passed on the smoking tonight, I just offered and he turned it down. More for me, I dont really care if he smokes or not, as long as he doenst offer his opinion on my habit of it. I told him from the beginning of this relationship that that wasnt going to change. Im proud of myself for sticking to that right away, to bad im not like that about other things in my life.
In other areas, I went on myspace and facebook with the sole purpose of finding Jamie from High school. I did a name search and came up with nothing, eventually got caught up finding people from my class and when I moved on to the class after me I found her. Funny thing was I found her sister first... It will be fun to catch up. Its so weird to see people from high school in the 7 year later category. Some people look exactly the same and others like me look totally different. Ten year reunion ought to be interesting.
It all seems so difficult and thats what it shouldnt seem by my point of view. Love shouldnt be this difficult, i know I have ideals but this isnt something that should have to fall into the ideal catagory in order to work.
He asked me what I want for X mas and all I really want is to be able to get everyone what they want. I told him that and he said that was fine so at least that will be out of the way. I dont know if he really understands that but he seemes like he did. I just want to get them something that they really want and not just something that they need. We went that route when we were kids, getting things because it was what we wanted and not necessarily what we need. I know Lindsy would rather have A DS then anything else. I should just give her mine since I never use it...
I think I am going to so phone cards and some essentials like a phone card and a bag of tobacco. I have no idea what to get Donny but I will call her before I get up there and see what I can do.
I am disappointed that Ed isnt going with me but more because he had all this time to do it and it came down to the 2 weeks before. I dont want to go by myself, it isnt just about the flying, it has to do with not going crazy without any company too. Ill die if I cant smoke and its much easier to get away when you have another excuse with you.
I was suppose to call her (grandma) on Friday too and I didnt. Im gonna hear about that later but I really just dont want to hear it. I know she will be happy to hear we are doing well but it all seems so fake. I cant believe that he is begging out of this, he had so much time to work it out and now it comes down to the end and I have no idea what I am going to do. I need to get out of a situation that I need to rely on Ed for cash and a place to stay. This is never going to feel comfortable until I can survive without him. Its never going to be equal and I think thats something that we both realize.
I tried to twll him tonight that he doesnt have to smoke with me if he doesnt want to and he wanted to know why I was telling him that and really it had nothing to do with anything excep feeling bad because I felt like I was pressuring him, even though Ive never asked him to do it.
I worry about his health and age to with the smoking and just because he hasnt in a long time... He passed on the smoking tonight, I just offered and he turned it down. More for me, I dont really care if he smokes or not, as long as he doenst offer his opinion on my habit of it. I told him from the beginning of this relationship that that wasnt going to change. Im proud of myself for sticking to that right away, to bad im not like that about other things in my life.
In other areas, I went on myspace and facebook with the sole purpose of finding Jamie from High school. I did a name search and came up with nothing, eventually got caught up finding people from my class and when I moved on to the class after me I found her. Funny thing was I found her sister first... It will be fun to catch up. Its so weird to see people from high school in the 7 year later category. Some people look exactly the same and others like me look totally different. Ten year reunion ought to be interesting.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The Resolution
Last time I wrote I had just gotten in a huge fight with Ed, I havent had the energy to write since. After a very long and creul couple of days he finally decided that I had been punished enough and that he did still love me afterall. I wrote him a long email telling him how much I wanted to be with him and making a general attempt at explaining myself. He didnt answer it that day and sounded if anything more unsure... Just when I was about to say fine be that way he decided to call me and stop being a jerk.
Fast forward to now and we are sitting here at Barnes and Noble and Ive made an attempt to be super close since he got here but for some reason something just isnt right. I keep asking whats wrong and he isnt saying anything, I dont think Ive done anything wrong since hes been here but I dont have to be the one to think its wrong so who knows. Its such a beautiful day out and yet things seem so off. I dont know where my heads at right now. I want everything to be fine, but i think we both feel that it isnt. Thinking back to my other relationships I can see that this one can easily fall into the same pattern and thats what I am trying to avoid. I really do want to change myself, not just for him but for me too. I feel like im kind of faking it right now, maybe thats what he feels. Im not faking that I love him, just the happiness and trying to be super cheery when really all I want to do is cry. I cant believe how much he says he loves me and yet he is so clueless at the same time. How difficult is it to see what makes someone happy? I mean, if you know whats stressing a person out than thats probably what I would start with, but thats just me.
I just want to start settling into life now. I think its really important for me to go back to school but whenever I mention it he doenst say anything about it. He knows I cant do anything without his help. I wish I had never put myself into a situation where someone else has so much power over me. If we fight and he says get out then I really dont have that much of a choice, thats a big factor when we are fighting and he was the one to bring it up this last time. I hate having things held over my head.
Getting a job is becoming a top priority for me, as long as I know I can provide for myself then I will be able to be myself and not worry that my actions may mean the difference between being thrown out or not. I hate feeling this unsettled, I feel like im walking on eggshells now. I dont want to say anything for fear he will take it the wrong way and I will be headed for another night of hell. Ughhh! So here we go again, I just want to make it through the week without arguing and I am going to do everything I can to make that happen. Ill figure out what to do from there.
Fast forward to now and we are sitting here at Barnes and Noble and Ive made an attempt to be super close since he got here but for some reason something just isnt right. I keep asking whats wrong and he isnt saying anything, I dont think Ive done anything wrong since hes been here but I dont have to be the one to think its wrong so who knows. Its such a beautiful day out and yet things seem so off. I dont know where my heads at right now. I want everything to be fine, but i think we both feel that it isnt. Thinking back to my other relationships I can see that this one can easily fall into the same pattern and thats what I am trying to avoid. I really do want to change myself, not just for him but for me too. I feel like im kind of faking it right now, maybe thats what he feels. Im not faking that I love him, just the happiness and trying to be super cheery when really all I want to do is cry. I cant believe how much he says he loves me and yet he is so clueless at the same time. How difficult is it to see what makes someone happy? I mean, if you know whats stressing a person out than thats probably what I would start with, but thats just me.
I just want to start settling into life now. I think its really important for me to go back to school but whenever I mention it he doenst say anything about it. He knows I cant do anything without his help. I wish I had never put myself into a situation where someone else has so much power over me. If we fight and he says get out then I really dont have that much of a choice, thats a big factor when we are fighting and he was the one to bring it up this last time. I hate having things held over my head.
Getting a job is becoming a top priority for me, as long as I know I can provide for myself then I will be able to be myself and not worry that my actions may mean the difference between being thrown out or not. I hate feeling this unsettled, I feel like im walking on eggshells now. I dont want to say anything for fear he will take it the wrong way and I will be headed for another night of hell. Ughhh! So here we go again, I just want to make it through the week without arguing and I am going to do everything I can to make that happen. Ill figure out what to do from there.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Break Up
Note to self anger is BAD! Ed and I got in a major fight last night, that is an understatement actually. I kind of went crazy on him and I was totally crazy. It started because the night before last he told me he thought he was going to have a hard time being the man I want him to be in the future. My reaction was to get upset immediately, I took it exactly how he said it. It sounded to me like he was telling me we just werent going to work out. Then really the annoyance and anger about just boiled over to yesterday. He explained that what he was looking for in saying that was for me to tell him that he already was the man I wanted. He was just looking for some validation I guess. Then yesterday during the day he texts me and asks me if I want him to try and stay another day. I told him of course, that that was a stupid question. He agreed saying that he was having a blond Polish moment. He didnt mention anything else about when he was leaving all day. He texted me around 2 and asked me if I wanted to eat when he got home at 3. Since his flight was around 6 I asked him if that meant he was flying out then or waiting until the next day. He never answered my text. Then when he got home he kind of seemed like he was in a hurry so I asked him again if he was leaving today. He did that little look when he knows hes done something wrong and is going to be scolded for it. I said since youre leaving tonight lets go eat, he asked what him leaving tonight had to do with leaving? I had just assumed that he wanted to eat before he left and that was why he asked me and I said as much. Then he leans in to me and says "eddie I really want you to stay another night, I miss you and need you here." I felt like he was playing games with me and that it wasnt fair. Of course I wanted him to stay, he knew that, why does he always have to play this attention games.
I told him it was ridiculous and went out to lay on the bed. We talked about how frustrating it was for him to do that. I hate games and the decietfulness with which he goes about trying to get attention. I told him that, he agreed with me. We didnt talk for awhile and then got up to go to dinner. I didnt really want to go out and I had told him that, then I consented to just go out for drinks. We really didnt talk the whole time either on the way there or during dinner. Then at dinner I had three beers, which was a bad idea and he was drinking three glasses of wine. I just got upset and obstinate and I was a little more then tipsy, I didnt eat much. I just wouldnt let it go, its like I was intent on blow by blow til he finally blew up at me. Everything that I was afraid of him saying he said, he was just as hurtful to me as I had been to him. He basically said I was a piece of shit nothing and that when someone mentioned my name in a week he was going to have forgotten all about me. I went back and forth between shock and anger and desperation. It was not a pretty moment for me. I told him he might as well kill me, even squeezed his hand around my throat, yes I can be dramatic. He pulled over and I pulled the keys out, opened the door and chucked them. I spent the next hour being verbally abused and begging for forgiveness for a craziness I hadnt even grasped yet. I finally got him to say he would stay at home instead of going to a hotel. Then I went and grabbed the keys and gave them back. When we got home he said he was going out for drinks with a couple friends and took off. I just walked into the house and was sobbing to Lo. He came back after probably half an hour with coffee and a bottle of wine.
In the mean time I called my grandma sobbing and asked her to call him, talk about desperation. I could tell she was really sad and concerned for me though. She said she would try. He came home before she called him and I asked him if he had his phone on him. He asked why and I said because he was going to get a phone call, he looked scared at first, like I had called sharyn or something. I told him to relax that I didnt do anything wrong. He said he didnt want to talk to her but he picked up the phone when she called. He went outside to talk to her so I dont know what was said. He went in and went right to bed, I grabbed my pillow and told him that I loved him and please forgive me and went out on the couch. I eventually went back in and sat on the bed and talked to him. He was harsh, and silent. I once again went back out to the couch. Then he texts me and asks if im playing games now, I have no idea what sparked that but I took my chances grabbed my pillow and went back into bed. He let me hold him and I fell asleep. I dont think he slept the whole night. I was in pain in the morning, I hadnt moved positions and my body was kinked but I was afraid to move thinking he would push me away. He seemed calmer this morning but still a little obstinate streak. I finally got him to say that he would try and he held me and said stop crying and it would be ok. He said never do this to me again, I promised I wouldnt. He also said never cheat on me which had no relevance to the conversation at all nor was it brought up at all in the last two days.
So here we are now, hes at the airport and he has called me twice and and texted me a few times. I think I know wheres hes at because the behavior is all too familiar. He is acting just like me but 35 years later. He stayed in the car with me, he could have gotten the keys and taken off. I threatened to get out of the car at a light and he grabbed me and said that if I did it was over for good. I stayed in the car. He stayed sitting for hour or more while I talked and cried and he berated me. He could have left though. He let me stay with him last night and didnt push me off when I held him. He didnt go out for drinks with anyone and he didnt even open the bottle of wine. He doesnt want it to be like this either, he is looking for reassurance and im trying to give it all to him right now. I dont know yet if its going to work, he said he would try and he hoped we could get through this. Thats encouraging at least. If he really is like me then there is a reason hes held on. Hes acting out until he feels I get the point and hopefully we can get past it. All I can do is wait and see...
I told him it was ridiculous and went out to lay on the bed. We talked about how frustrating it was for him to do that. I hate games and the decietfulness with which he goes about trying to get attention. I told him that, he agreed with me. We didnt talk for awhile and then got up to go to dinner. I didnt really want to go out and I had told him that, then I consented to just go out for drinks. We really didnt talk the whole time either on the way there or during dinner. Then at dinner I had three beers, which was a bad idea and he was drinking three glasses of wine. I just got upset and obstinate and I was a little more then tipsy, I didnt eat much. I just wouldnt let it go, its like I was intent on blow by blow til he finally blew up at me. Everything that I was afraid of him saying he said, he was just as hurtful to me as I had been to him. He basically said I was a piece of shit nothing and that when someone mentioned my name in a week he was going to have forgotten all about me. I went back and forth between shock and anger and desperation. It was not a pretty moment for me. I told him he might as well kill me, even squeezed his hand around my throat, yes I can be dramatic. He pulled over and I pulled the keys out, opened the door and chucked them. I spent the next hour being verbally abused and begging for forgiveness for a craziness I hadnt even grasped yet. I finally got him to say he would stay at home instead of going to a hotel. Then I went and grabbed the keys and gave them back. When we got home he said he was going out for drinks with a couple friends and took off. I just walked into the house and was sobbing to Lo. He came back after probably half an hour with coffee and a bottle of wine.
In the mean time I called my grandma sobbing and asked her to call him, talk about desperation. I could tell she was really sad and concerned for me though. She said she would try. He came home before she called him and I asked him if he had his phone on him. He asked why and I said because he was going to get a phone call, he looked scared at first, like I had called sharyn or something. I told him to relax that I didnt do anything wrong. He said he didnt want to talk to her but he picked up the phone when she called. He went outside to talk to her so I dont know what was said. He went in and went right to bed, I grabbed my pillow and told him that I loved him and please forgive me and went out on the couch. I eventually went back in and sat on the bed and talked to him. He was harsh, and silent. I once again went back out to the couch. Then he texts me and asks if im playing games now, I have no idea what sparked that but I took my chances grabbed my pillow and went back into bed. He let me hold him and I fell asleep. I dont think he slept the whole night. I was in pain in the morning, I hadnt moved positions and my body was kinked but I was afraid to move thinking he would push me away. He seemed calmer this morning but still a little obstinate streak. I finally got him to say that he would try and he held me and said stop crying and it would be ok. He said never do this to me again, I promised I wouldnt. He also said never cheat on me which had no relevance to the conversation at all nor was it brought up at all in the last two days.
So here we are now, hes at the airport and he has called me twice and and texted me a few times. I think I know wheres hes at because the behavior is all too familiar. He is acting just like me but 35 years later. He stayed in the car with me, he could have gotten the keys and taken off. I threatened to get out of the car at a light and he grabbed me and said that if I did it was over for good. I stayed in the car. He stayed sitting for hour or more while I talked and cried and he berated me. He could have left though. He let me stay with him last night and didnt push me off when I held him. He didnt go out for drinks with anyone and he didnt even open the bottle of wine. He doesnt want it to be like this either, he is looking for reassurance and im trying to give it all to him right now. I dont know yet if its going to work, he said he would try and he hoped we could get through this. Thats encouraging at least. If he really is like me then there is a reason hes held on. Hes acting out until he feels I get the point and hopefully we can get past it. All I can do is wait and see...
Monday, December 3, 2007
Back in Town
Ed came back into town a day early... He nearly missed the flight, literally was on it 20 minutes before take off. Things seem kind of weird, he has seemed upset nearly since he got here. He thinks that I am not interested in him anymore. I told him all the issues I was having and that I am flat broke. I mentioned him helping me get a loan and he said sure but then never mentioned it again. I used the last of the 200 he gave me a couple days ago to cover my health insurance. I think I may have $10 left. There is not much gas in the car either. I have no source of income coming in until Lo gets paid next Tues. I plan on asking him to leave cash before he goes but to be honest Im dreading it. I hate asking anyone for money but for some reason especially him. I know he has it and will give it to me if I ask, I just feel so useless. Everyone is working and taking care of me and I cant even manage to find myself a job.
Im gonna take the job with the Post I think. I ve always wanted a night job and that said something about $500 a week. That would be perfect for me money wise. I might even be able to start saving again. Whatever happens, I need to come up with something soon. The last batch of trees I got has to last till I have money next and thats gonna be tricky. Funny I was telling Ed last night that I hate that it has now come down to choosing between trees and other necessities, like food. I know how wrong that is and yet I still cant make myself quit. Im going to really try and cut back though. Its getting to be a really expensive habit and I just cant afford it.
I think I dont really understand Ed most of the time. He keeps saying all he wants is for me to be happy and that he is here for me but then when I tell him all my problems or what is stressing me out he offers no solution. He was talking about setting up a business for me and startup cost around 5 grand then proceeded to say that I could always pay him back later, or never, whatever I wanted. If I had 5 grand right now I could pay off my student loan and get back into school where I can continue to study for a real career.
Ed started to talk about me needing a regular 9-5 job so that I could do school too. What he doesnt realize is that I dont think I could do both. I got through college in 3 1/2 years but that was taking 21 credits a semester and not working. I dont think it would be the same with a job. The ADD will make it hard to garuntee something like that. I still havent even started taking my adderall again. He basically left me hanging as far as what I could or should do or any indication on what he thought about the loan to pay off my loans and start school again. That is exactly what I mean by him making me ask for things. He sees the need is there and he knows I have nothing and yet he leaves me hanging. I know he needs to feel needed but I need to feel that I am not asking for something outrageous and that im asking for something that he says he has no problem giving.
I only get bold enough to tell him how im feeling or what I need when Ive been drinking or im fed up with the way he is acting. Asking him about that loan was so hard for me because I felt like he was thinking that I was just asking him for the money. I know he has it but he cant do anything without explaining to Sharyn where its going and maybe thats the big hangup. He even knows about the credit card shit and hasnt offered to help. If he is trying to impart a lesson about earning things, now is not the time to do it. I have no problem paying him back every penny, with interest if he will just help me out of this mess now. I was thinking about it in my head the other day that if I borrowed 10 grand than 20% interest would be 2, for a total of 12 grand. Sounds like he would definetely be getting the better end of that deal and I will be getting an education that is totally worth the 2 grand in interest.
Christ its expensive to live, even more so if you have a habit. Why couldnt I have been and alcoholic, at least then I could be buying $6 bottles of liquor a day.... a much cheaper habit.
Im gonna take the job with the Post I think. I ve always wanted a night job and that said something about $500 a week. That would be perfect for me money wise. I might even be able to start saving again. Whatever happens, I need to come up with something soon. The last batch of trees I got has to last till I have money next and thats gonna be tricky. Funny I was telling Ed last night that I hate that it has now come down to choosing between trees and other necessities, like food. I know how wrong that is and yet I still cant make myself quit. Im going to really try and cut back though. Its getting to be a really expensive habit and I just cant afford it.
I think I dont really understand Ed most of the time. He keeps saying all he wants is for me to be happy and that he is here for me but then when I tell him all my problems or what is stressing me out he offers no solution. He was talking about setting up a business for me and startup cost around 5 grand then proceeded to say that I could always pay him back later, or never, whatever I wanted. If I had 5 grand right now I could pay off my student loan and get back into school where I can continue to study for a real career.
Ed started to talk about me needing a regular 9-5 job so that I could do school too. What he doesnt realize is that I dont think I could do both. I got through college in 3 1/2 years but that was taking 21 credits a semester and not working. I dont think it would be the same with a job. The ADD will make it hard to garuntee something like that. I still havent even started taking my adderall again. He basically left me hanging as far as what I could or should do or any indication on what he thought about the loan to pay off my loans and start school again. That is exactly what I mean by him making me ask for things. He sees the need is there and he knows I have nothing and yet he leaves me hanging. I know he needs to feel needed but I need to feel that I am not asking for something outrageous and that im asking for something that he says he has no problem giving.
I only get bold enough to tell him how im feeling or what I need when Ive been drinking or im fed up with the way he is acting. Asking him about that loan was so hard for me because I felt like he was thinking that I was just asking him for the money. I know he has it but he cant do anything without explaining to Sharyn where its going and maybe thats the big hangup. He even knows about the credit card shit and hasnt offered to help. If he is trying to impart a lesson about earning things, now is not the time to do it. I have no problem paying him back every penny, with interest if he will just help me out of this mess now. I was thinking about it in my head the other day that if I borrowed 10 grand than 20% interest would be 2, for a total of 12 grand. Sounds like he would definetely be getting the better end of that deal and I will be getting an education that is totally worth the 2 grand in interest.
Christ its expensive to live, even more so if you have a habit. Why couldnt I have been and alcoholic, at least then I could be buying $6 bottles of liquor a day.... a much cheaper habit.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Happy Birthday Mom
Im walking around in circles today, its eing moms birthday and I still cant believe she is gone. I still feel as blindsided by it as the day Dorrie called me and told me, I was at work and it was crazy and I was being impatient because I had to get back. Time just stopped...
Friday, November 30, 2007
A bottle of Cabernet Later...
So I decided to start playing a game of mine again yesterday, ps2, God of War 2. I think its good to get that aggression out but thats not the point of this. So Lo goes to work and I decide that since im flat broke and alone for the night I basically have a choice between a red wine or a white cause other than liquor thats all there is. I chose the red and proceeded to pour myself a glass and settle into the game. It felt good to be occupied by something, im sure that was helped by the red wine too. I played late and passed out on the couch til Lo got home from work. We smoked and I went back to sleep on the couch not going back to bed until 5 or so then I slept til almost 10.
Its gotta be the meds that are causing me to be so tired, I cant even remember the last time I slept in this late. I woke up really agitated to, I was kinda shaky and just edgy. Ed texted me about a job possiblity with the Post. 2am to 11am, I felt like he slapped me in the face. So then we would never see each other and that makes sense how? I got really pissed off, I said that I could see how important it was to him to spend time with me. To which he replied that wasnt fair and he would go with me in the morning when he could.... There are so many things wrong with that statement. First of all what job is going to let you have someone else there with you, thats a pretty obvious one. Then why would he think he would be able to get up at those hours and then continue on to his full day of work. There is no way, if he goes one night without decent sleep he is like a monster the next day, I would give that all of a week max. I would take time to wind down from the night and would most likely be drinking tons of coffee or Red Bull. By the time I got around to sleeping it would be around the time that he would be getting home from work. So that leaves no time. I fail to see the logic in this.
Then there is the neighbor Rich, that he says we are going to meet Tuesday and he supposedly "has a few leads". Im gonna talk to him about the loan and getting my student loans paid off so I can go to school. I feel so useless, he seems so desperate to get me working and then in the next breathe tells me not to worry about money that we'll find a way etc. why does he make me ask for help? I hate that and it nearly turns my ears red with shame for not being able to make it on my own. He just doesnt think and then I feel like an ass when I point it out and he understands and then beats himself up for it. Ugh... Frustrating
Its gotta be the meds that are causing me to be so tired, I cant even remember the last time I slept in this late. I woke up really agitated to, I was kinda shaky and just edgy. Ed texted me about a job possiblity with the Post. 2am to 11am, I felt like he slapped me in the face. So then we would never see each other and that makes sense how? I got really pissed off, I said that I could see how important it was to him to spend time with me. To which he replied that wasnt fair and he would go with me in the morning when he could.... There are so many things wrong with that statement. First of all what job is going to let you have someone else there with you, thats a pretty obvious one. Then why would he think he would be able to get up at those hours and then continue on to his full day of work. There is no way, if he goes one night without decent sleep he is like a monster the next day, I would give that all of a week max. I would take time to wind down from the night and would most likely be drinking tons of coffee or Red Bull. By the time I got around to sleeping it would be around the time that he would be getting home from work. So that leaves no time. I fail to see the logic in this.
Then there is the neighbor Rich, that he says we are going to meet Tuesday and he supposedly "has a few leads". Im gonna talk to him about the loan and getting my student loans paid off so I can go to school. I feel so useless, he seems so desperate to get me working and then in the next breathe tells me not to worry about money that we'll find a way etc. why does he make me ask for help? I hate that and it nearly turns my ears red with shame for not being able to make it on my own. He just doesnt think and then I feel like an ass when I point it out and he understands and then beats himself up for it. Ugh... Frustrating
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Health Insurance Paid
I mananged to get enough together for my health insurance, thats it though, I am completely broke and there is only a quarter tank of gas in the car. I tried hitting up people for work but that was a fairly fruitless effort as well. Im so close to asking Ed to deposit some money in my account, I dont want to if I can at all help it but its between asking him or asking the other and I really dont want to deal with him. I asked him for work and he has nothing. I am weighing the consequences of asking Ed. I know he would do it but its my pride that holding me back. I dont know if I could face him after that, he already left me the cash for my health insurance before he left and that was gone in a week. The phone bill was 100 then stuff for the cats and gas and everyday living and I still barely covered health insurance and I wouldnt have had it at all if Lo hadnt paid rent in cash. I still have to talk to him about that. Damn these stupid addictions, they are leaving me in a spot I never wanted to be in and always said I wouldnt be in. I really have no more options as far as cash goes, I already cashed in my change and my savings is tapped I think there is maybe three dollars in it. I am out of options as far as cash goes. Fuck I really dont know what Im going to do.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
New Meds
So I told the doctor about my attempt to cut the use of the anti depressants. I told him the reason and I thought that he would be negative about it but he actually wasnt. I dont know why he doesnt just split the meds and only give me the anti depressant and not the anxiety one. He mentioned it but then in the end is having me try Cymbalta. I agree it was time for a change but I am still taking the one triavil a day with it and the klonopin. I still havent taken the adderall. The only thing that sucks about the Cymbalta is its $1oo and if it doesnt work for me then that is a huge waste of money. Taken my second dose today and so far no problem, as long as it doesnt make me hungry or nauseous Ill stick to it and try it.
Ed has finally calmed down and is no longer convinced that he is going to die. Im still depressed about the whole situation but I do miss him. He is coming home Sunday and supposedly staying for two weeks this time. He has to make something up for Sharyn for next weekend but I dont think it will be too difficult. Then comes the Holidays, between christmas and new years I will hardly seem him in December and the first part of January. I hate the holidays as it is and Im sure this is not going to make it any better.
I need to start taking the adderall soon and find myself a job, this house is driving me crazy, that and a general lack of funds. Theres gotta be something out there that I can do and not get bored with. I just cant think of it right now.
Ed has finally calmed down and is no longer convinced that he is going to die. Im still depressed about the whole situation but I do miss him. He is coming home Sunday and supposedly staying for two weeks this time. He has to make something up for Sharyn for next weekend but I dont think it will be too difficult. Then comes the Holidays, between christmas and new years I will hardly seem him in December and the first part of January. I hate the holidays as it is and Im sure this is not going to make it any better.
I need to start taking the adderall soon and find myself a job, this house is driving me crazy, that and a general lack of funds. Theres gotta be something out there that I can do and not get bored with. I just cant think of it right now.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Stress and the Doc
Eds stress test is this morning, he is convinced he is going to die. Imagine how that makes me feel. Last night he called and was really upset about how things are and how he really has gone about everything in the wrong way. What can I say to that when he is sobbing on the phone upset about how things are for me then in other fights he acts like I am being impatient and asking for way too much. Ugh, men!
I have my own shrink appt today. I feel like we talk about the same things over and over again and nothing ever really get resolved. He doesnt want to mess with my medication which I am not taking correctly anyway, he says that we shouldnt mess with the medication until I am at a little less stressful point in my life. The thing is im never going to have less stress, I worry thats what causes it and I have been like that my whole life. Im going to tell him that I've tried cutting back on the triavil but it puts me in a major depression. The flip side of that is that it makes me hungry all the time and I cant handle the weight gain from it. I need the anti depressant without the extra medication for nausea cause thats what its coming from.. I've lost at least 6 pounds since I cut back the meds. For my mental health I cant handle the weight gain. I need to get it back under control now before I really get to the point that I hate myself again. He is really old school so I worry about suggesting anything to do with meds because he could do just the opposite. All I know is that I need to get out of this destructive rut im in and if I need a little chemical assistance, im ok with that.
Still havent taken the adderall, I feel like its almost a game of waiting to see how long I can go without it before I drive myself half crazy. I thinks its been close to three weeks now. Some days I do ok and others seem like they drag on forever and I dont get anything accomplished beyond sitting on the couch and staring out the window.
That reminds me, my health insurance is coming up I cant lose that, my adderall alone without the script will be $200+ a month. That is the source of more than a little worry. Im gonna to talk to Ed about a personal loan, I need to pay my student loans and get health insurance and then possibly enroll in a program. I know it will be hard but it will keep me busy and right now I think thats what I need.
My appt starts when eds does, guess Ill be stuck waiting until its done at 2. Im nervous but not much I can so once he goes in.
I have my own shrink appt today. I feel like we talk about the same things over and over again and nothing ever really get resolved. He doesnt want to mess with my medication which I am not taking correctly anyway, he says that we shouldnt mess with the medication until I am at a little less stressful point in my life. The thing is im never going to have less stress, I worry thats what causes it and I have been like that my whole life. Im going to tell him that I've tried cutting back on the triavil but it puts me in a major depression. The flip side of that is that it makes me hungry all the time and I cant handle the weight gain from it. I need the anti depressant without the extra medication for nausea cause thats what its coming from.. I've lost at least 6 pounds since I cut back the meds. For my mental health I cant handle the weight gain. I need to get it back under control now before I really get to the point that I hate myself again. He is really old school so I worry about suggesting anything to do with meds because he could do just the opposite. All I know is that I need to get out of this destructive rut im in and if I need a little chemical assistance, im ok with that.
Still havent taken the adderall, I feel like its almost a game of waiting to see how long I can go without it before I drive myself half crazy. I thinks its been close to three weeks now. Some days I do ok and others seem like they drag on forever and I dont get anything accomplished beyond sitting on the couch and staring out the window.
That reminds me, my health insurance is coming up I cant lose that, my adderall alone without the script will be $200+ a month. That is the source of more than a little worry. Im gonna to talk to Ed about a personal loan, I need to pay my student loans and get health insurance and then possibly enroll in a program. I know it will be hard but it will keep me busy and right now I think thats what I need.
My appt starts when eds does, guess Ill be stuck waiting until its done at 2. Im nervous but not much I can so once he goes in.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Been sitting here for hours
I slept on the couch last night, sleeping in the bedroom is giving me anxiety. I feel so strung out for some reason. I havent even been drinking that much, I had a couple beers and two mixed drinks with Chris over the course of yesterday.... I guess I did finish off a case before that. The other night when I was fighting with Ed I had two drinks that really did me in for some reason. I think the emotional toll is taking and of course im not helping it.
Still havent taken my adderall and im back down to one anti depressent a day with the one klonopin. I am suppose to be taking 2 20 mg adderall XR, 4 triavil, and two klonopin every day with two .5 mg xanax thrown in when needed. If I actually took all that I would be psycho, I cant imagine what I would have been like, and then trying to get off of it would have been absolute hell. Multiplying what Ive been going through as it is by the extra pills id be going through withdrawal on, would honestly be a death sentence for me.
Its dreary out today but it kinda matches how I feel so I dont mind, that and we could really use the rain.
Still havent taken my adderall and im back down to one anti depressent a day with the one klonopin. I am suppose to be taking 2 20 mg adderall XR, 4 triavil, and two klonopin every day with two .5 mg xanax thrown in when needed. If I actually took all that I would be psycho, I cant imagine what I would have been like, and then trying to get off of it would have been absolute hell. Multiplying what Ive been going through as it is by the extra pills id be going through withdrawal on, would honestly be a death sentence for me.
Its dreary out today but it kinda matches how I feel so I dont mind, that and we could really use the rain.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Fighting... Again
So we ended the night fighting and after I passed out he had texted me three more time, two of which ended with saying that I was difficult. Duh! It doesnt take a genius to figure that one out and what does it accomplish by telling me that? Then the text this morning were I understand and im sorry yesterday was rough for us. Two such texts like that and the one asking me to say good morning when I was awake. The last before I finally texted him back was please say something I feel terrible. To that I replyed that I was up and had slept in a little late, I love and miss you too. What else can I say after all that was said last night? An hour later he texts me asking if I have nothing to say to him and he feels terrible, is that what I want? I told him I didnt know what else to say. Im defeated because everything I say he has the comeback of either things take time, im being impatient and why does it have to be on my time.
Talking on the phone seems so pointless because either of us could just hang up and that defeats the purpose of talking.
2 hours later...
We talked on the phone for almost two hours and I only feel slightly better about the whole thing. He is spoiled and at times I think very inconsiderate. Im sick of fighting about shit that isnt going to change until he has the time for it. He says he hates it when I get to this point but is stopping to consider why it always gets there. I feel like we are beating a dead horse and nothing has been resolved.
Talking on the phone seems so pointless because either of us could just hang up and that defeats the purpose of talking.
2 hours later...
We talked on the phone for almost two hours and I only feel slightly better about the whole thing. He is spoiled and at times I think very inconsiderate. Im sick of fighting about shit that isnt going to change until he has the time for it. He says he hates it when I get to this point but is stopping to consider why it always gets there. I feel like we are beating a dead horse and nothing has been resolved.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Ugh!
I get so angry sometimes and I feel like I want to rip my skin off and just be without it for awhile. I feel like Ed is so far away from me, he has no idea what I go through. We seem to be fighting constantly and im already moving on to the next thing. I need to get my life going despite this, guess I should take the docs advice, he says to use the next six months to better myself. I need to find myself because this may or may not happen and right now im not even sure its what I want anymore.
I need to find a program that I can immerse myself in, I really need a distraction which is the biggest oxymoron ive seen in awhile.
I need to find a program that I can immerse myself in, I really need a distraction which is the biggest oxymoron ive seen in awhile.
1 Beer Left
Im drinking my last beer (really just the last one in the house) and im thinking about the mess im in now that is more commonly know as my life
I just got off the phone with Ed, we spent the last hour arguing over our relationship and the mess its in. He keeps telling me that things take time and I need to be more patient. What the Fuck for? Why do I have to be patient now when he had no patience for me at the beginning of this relationship. He makes me feel like I am crazy and obsessed, that I am being so irrational about how I feel, but at the same time he says the same things to me. Im so sick of waiting for shit to happen. I told him I am sick of reacting to the things in my life, he is putting me in a holding pattern and then today comes out with he is not ready to leave his career that he has been saying he hates for the last few months.
Its funny that when he met me he said that I made him realize that he was missing out and that there was life beyond where he was now, obviously hes not ready to leave that because thats where the resistence is coming from. Then its that he cant be without me all the time so I would have to get over my fear of flying so we could go back and forth. We somehow skipped from Sharyn, who has been the only issue hes ever talked about to now him not being able to go without me..... Hello, lets not walk before we crawl. How can I not feel that im just not good enough. Ive done everything I can short of begging him to come home and there is always something. I asked him why he couldnt have been here over the weekend and that was because then he would have to come up with a story for Sharyn as to why he would be leaving. Its a bunch of excuses. He doesnt see it because he doesnt want to, because he can only find the fault it others. I asked him why he should get his way when thats the way its been his whole life, hes had 35 years more than I to have it done his way. He tells me to be patient when he is the exact opposite of that. This is not going to go down his way, and if he fights it he will lose me along the way.
I just got off the phone with Ed, we spent the last hour arguing over our relationship and the mess its in. He keeps telling me that things take time and I need to be more patient. What the Fuck for? Why do I have to be patient now when he had no patience for me at the beginning of this relationship. He makes me feel like I am crazy and obsessed, that I am being so irrational about how I feel, but at the same time he says the same things to me. Im so sick of waiting for shit to happen. I told him I am sick of reacting to the things in my life, he is putting me in a holding pattern and then today comes out with he is not ready to leave his career that he has been saying he hates for the last few months.
Its funny that when he met me he said that I made him realize that he was missing out and that there was life beyond where he was now, obviously hes not ready to leave that because thats where the resistence is coming from. Then its that he cant be without me all the time so I would have to get over my fear of flying so we could go back and forth. We somehow skipped from Sharyn, who has been the only issue hes ever talked about to now him not being able to go without me..... Hello, lets not walk before we crawl. How can I not feel that im just not good enough. Ive done everything I can short of begging him to come home and there is always something. I asked him why he couldnt have been here over the weekend and that was because then he would have to come up with a story for Sharyn as to why he would be leaving. Its a bunch of excuses. He doesnt see it because he doesnt want to, because he can only find the fault it others. I asked him why he should get his way when thats the way its been his whole life, hes had 35 years more than I to have it done his way. He tells me to be patient when he is the exact opposite of that. This is not going to go down his way, and if he fights it he will lose me along the way.
Still Here
So I got up and went to get coffee with Lo, now here I am again. At least the coffee is gone, I accomplished something. I was thinking about going to have a smoke but they seem to be making me dizzy since I cut back so much on the triavil. Everyday I think about starting the adderall again, so far im dealing but I know it wont be long, if nothing else ill just need the change again.
I havent been listening to music very much, that kind of worries me because music is my life. I can see the gradual change in my personality from the meds. I hate it and it makes me wonder if I even really remember who I was before all this shit started.
Ever since getting sick, I havent been the same and that was almost two years ago now. Its like someone flipped a switch and I became the opposite of what I was before then. Why cant I focus on anything?
I havent been listening to music very much, that kind of worries me because music is my life. I can see the gradual change in my personality from the meds. I hate it and it makes me wonder if I even really remember who I was before all this shit started.
Ever since getting sick, I havent been the same and that was almost two years ago now. Its like someone flipped a switch and I became the opposite of what I was before then. Why cant I focus on anything?
The Long Day
Im sitting here and the day is just stretching out endlessly before me. I am trying to organize my thoughts and get to the starting point. I've already considered endless things to keep me busy for the day but I feel that familiar boredom creeping up. I thought about going for a bike ride but I dont know where to go. The water seems so far without Lo. Sometimes I think im gonna go crazy alone in this big house.
The new roommate moved in last night, he seems pretty cool. Shy I think, like me. It feels weird to have a stranger going in and out of the house. I suppose Ill get used to that soon enough.
I need to get out of this house, I wish there was a coffee shop or something close enough for me to bike too. Even if there was I would probably worry about my bike the whole time. Its not exactly cheap and I definetely dont have the cash to replace it. I was actually considering selling it to help out but I love that bike so until im desperate im holding onto it.
I should be looking for a job in my spare time but I dont even know what to look for, I dont even know what I want to do. I cant think of anything that would hold my attention for long and I cannot do something once ive lost attention for it.
The new roommate moved in last night, he seems pretty cool. Shy I think, like me. It feels weird to have a stranger going in and out of the house. I suppose Ill get used to that soon enough.
I need to get out of this house, I wish there was a coffee shop or something close enough for me to bike too. Even if there was I would probably worry about my bike the whole time. Its not exactly cheap and I definetely dont have the cash to replace it. I was actually considering selling it to help out but I love that bike so until im desperate im holding onto it.
I should be looking for a job in my spare time but I dont even know what to look for, I dont even know what I want to do. I cant think of anything that would hold my attention for long and I cannot do something once ive lost attention for it.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Frustrating
I feel like I have a hundred ideas going on in my head at any one time but I cant seem to hold on to just one at a time. I get caught in this cycle of thinking about what to do and I find myself wasting hours away, stuck there. I take a break, smoke a cigarette, grab another beer, and its back to the same spot. Occasionally I have bursts of brightness and I manage to get a couple things done.
Im on a break from my adderall, I dont know what happens but it seems like every month or so I just have to stop it, its almost like it stops working for me. Its tough, I get mood swings really bad, appetite changes, depression. I feel sick for the first week and then when I get past that I think about never going back on it.... Then I feel like this again, Im depressed and I cant focus long enough to really get anything meaningful done. Its a cycle, im beginning to feel that neverending pressure from knowing its a cycle. Drink a little more, smoke a little more....
I decided recently that it was a good time to cut back the anti anxiety/anti depressants, not so sure that was a good idea. I just couldnt handle the appetite changes, Ive been on it for almost a year and i've gained like 20 pounds over the course of that time. Im not going to gain weight like that, I can't. Its been tough, i've gotten really depressed. This coupled with not taking the adderall, I forgot how it felt to be this depressed. Not that I dont have shit going on besides but thats everyones life. I know I have to wade through this, if I start it again im just going to land back at square one.
Ill probably start taking the adderall again next week, by then I might be still sane somewhat. Im not going to take the triavil if I can manage the depression. Im only taking one a day and Ill probably only do that for the next week or two and mostly because im scared to take the adderall without it, it could give me a panic attack.
Im on a break from my adderall, I dont know what happens but it seems like every month or so I just have to stop it, its almost like it stops working for me. Its tough, I get mood swings really bad, appetite changes, depression. I feel sick for the first week and then when I get past that I think about never going back on it.... Then I feel like this again, Im depressed and I cant focus long enough to really get anything meaningful done. Its a cycle, im beginning to feel that neverending pressure from knowing its a cycle. Drink a little more, smoke a little more....
I decided recently that it was a good time to cut back the anti anxiety/anti depressants, not so sure that was a good idea. I just couldnt handle the appetite changes, Ive been on it for almost a year and i've gained like 20 pounds over the course of that time. Im not going to gain weight like that, I can't. Its been tough, i've gotten really depressed. This coupled with not taking the adderall, I forgot how it felt to be this depressed. Not that I dont have shit going on besides but thats everyones life. I know I have to wade through this, if I start it again im just going to land back at square one.
Ill probably start taking the adderall again next week, by then I might be still sane somewhat. Im not going to take the triavil if I can manage the depression. Im only taking one a day and Ill probably only do that for the next week or two and mostly because im scared to take the adderall without it, it could give me a panic attack.
The first post
Ive been thinking about starting this for awhile now, very typical of me. Funny that really one of the biggest hinderances to me was how to start it, more specifically the first post. So here it is, more to follow...
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